by Maisey Yates
“She didn’t,” Logan said. “But I’ve had one for her. Probably a hell of a lot longer than is okay.”
Hard look. “Did you touch her then?”
“No.”
“Then it’s not a problem, is it? You didn’t touch her before it was legal. You didn’t touch her before she wanted you to.”
“Well, it’s over. That’s the thing.”
Then Ryder’s face turned to stone. “Did you break my sister’s heart?”
And that question was asked with such gravity, such intensity, that Logan knew whatever lack of response he had gotten out of the admission that he had slept with Rose, he was about to get it here.
“Yes.”
“There we have a problem,” Ryder said. “Because you’re right. I can’t let you just hang around here if you broke her heart. And I have some choice words for you on that score.”
“Which are?”
“Stop being a raging fucking idiot.”
“I’m not being a dumbass. It just is what it is...”
“Right. Just like it was what it was with me and Sammy, right? Except you were full of all kinds of advice then. But you know what, I don’t know that I would have taken that advice if I’d realized you couldn’t take it. And the Daltons were right there...”
“My mom died,” he said through gritted teeth. “I just did my best to make a life out of that.”
“Except what if your mom was wrong, and what Tammy Dalton said is true and Hank didn’t know? What if he didn’t reject you or her?”
“What does it matter? She and I were all I needed. And I wanted to protect her reputation. I...”
“That’s noble, and no less than I expect out of you, Logan. But it’s an awful lot of baggage to carry that just doesn’t need to be carried anymore. And if it’s for nothing, then maybe you breaking my sister’s heart is for nothing.”
“It’s not. You want her to have better than me, believe me.”
“Better than a decent man who works the land and treats her with respect? Why the hell would I want better for her than that? Better for her than a man who cares about the same land I care about and won’t take her somewhere far away? You’re my best friend. You’re one of the best men I’ve ever known. You’re...about the only asshole I’d ever think was good enough for her.”
“Because I... Look, I paid for my mom to go on that trip. The Christmas before. It was my gift to her. I wrapped it up and put it under the tree and it might as well have been a loaded gun. Maybe if I hadn’t done that none of our parents would’ve gone.”
“Is that supposed to shock me? I’m sorry that you’re wandering around feeling that way, but I don’t... Maybe the pilot could’ve gotten sick. Maybe my dad might’ve decided not to go. Something could’ve come up at work. One of the kids could’ve gotten sick, and they could’ve decided to stay home. Any number of things could’ve come up to prevent them from going that day, and any number of things could’ve enabled them to go. But nothing came up. And they did go. And there’s just nothing anyone can do about that. There’s no amount of what-if that brings anyone back. I’ve never been able to play the what-if game. It just doesn’t work. I’ve had a lot of problems in life. And you know it was... Well, it took Sammy telling me she was going to go off and have a baby with another man for me to finally do something about the fact that I was in love with a woman that I wouldn’t let myself have. But I’ve never done the what-if game. Because that’s the kind of thing that drives a man crazy, Logan, and I can see that you’ve damn well driven yourself there.”
“You were supposed to get angry at me.”
“Oh, I’m plenty pissed at you.” Ryder paused. “Oh. For what? Was I supposed to be pissed at you for sleeping with her? Got it. I was supposed to punch you in the face and tell you to never touch her again. Or, I was supposed to get mad at you and say, you bastard, you killed our parents, get out of here and never come back. Is that what you’re looking for?”
Logan didn’t speak. He just stood there and listened to his friend as he pulled all these deep dark truths from the bottom of his scarred soul.
“Damn,” Ryder said. “All of this must be confronting for you. Because Hank Dalton didn’t know about you, so he didn’t reject you. So you could just wander over there and have a family if you felt like it. And I’m not going to condemn you, so you could just stay here. I’m not going to tell you to keep your hands off Rose, because if you could love her, if you could really be with her and give her everything that she deserved—and I believe that you could—then I have no issue with her being in a relationship with you. You’re my best friend, you idiot. My best friend in the whole damned world. Why wouldn’t I think you were good enough for my sister?”
“Aren’t you supposed to get all protective and say that I can’t have my dirty hands on her or something?”
“I never thought that my sister was going to stay a virgin for her entire life. Frankly, I’d rather her or Iris sleep with you than Johnny Khakis.”
“Well, that’s the damn truth.”
“But I’m not going to take the heat off you. And I think that’s what you want. I think you want me to tell you to walk away. But I’m not going to. Nobody’s telling you that.”
“Rose did. She said I couldn’t just break her heart and then stay.”
“Well, that’s her call. And your call if you want to listen.”
“I...”
“Nobody’s gonna give you what you want, jackass. All I’m going to do is tell you to get your shit together. You were friend enough to tell me that when I needed to hear it. I feel like I ought to tell you the same thing. But you should quit being in the way of your own happiness.”
“You make it sound like it’s simple. That it’s not just... I spent so long keeping everyone out I don’t know how to let them in.”
“No, the problem is I think you do. I think you don’t want to. Keep Hank and everybody else sectioned off into a part of your life you’re never going to go into. What did you tell my sister? That it was going to just be sex?”
“Basically,” he said through gritted teeth.
“Right. Like that was ever going to work. You were going to just sleep with my sister, and then go back to working with her like it was nothing? Watch her date other men? Marry another man?”
“That was the plan,” he said. “So maybe you want to get rid of me now. Because my plan was to take her virginity and then let her go.”
Ryder looked suddenly aggrieved. “I don’t know why everybody seems to think I need to know they took my sister’s virginity, but, you poor idiot. You got taken down by a virgin. And I don’t even feel bad for you. Again, not my problem to solve. This is between the two of you. I’m going to repeat my firm suggestion to you. Sort your shit out. Because if you don’t, you’re going to make my sister miserable. And the fact of the matter is at twenty-three she was able to sort it out. I think that you should be able to sort it out then, at your advanced age. I was able to sort it out. Sammy got it together. Pansy’s just fine. Why can’t you figure it out?”
“Because I...”
“Because you’re so uniquely broken? Join the damn club. I thought that was the entire point of this ranch. That we were broken, but we weren’t by ourselves. We might not have had everything, but we had enough here. And from one closed-off asshole to another, let me just tell you, when a good woman wants to love you, you just get down on your knees and thank God, thank her, and you don’t question it.”
“Glad that works for you. But I don’t think it’s going to work for me.”
“There been a whole lot about things in our life that we didn’t choose. You’re choosing this. And there’s no absolving yourself from it. So you just know that. You didn’t choose to have your mother die. You didn’t choose for Hank Dalton to be your daddy. But you’re choosing to be alone. You’re choosing t
o let this break you.”
“Are you going to buy me out or what?”
“If you want me to. I’m not going beg you to stay.” He rocked back on his heels. “Sounds to me like my sister might have already done that. And I don’t think you need two Daniels begging you for anything. But when you come back, and I think you will, because I think you’re going to realize that what you chose for yourself really sucked... I hope she makes you do some begging of your own.”
Then Ryder turned and left him, shutting the door quietly behind him.
And Logan realized that he wished his friend would’ve just punched him in the face. That he wished he would’ve ended it with fists.
Because that at least would’ve been... Well, it would’ve felt like something he deserved. Would’ve felt like no less than he had earned. But instead, all had been quiet. There had been no anger to offer Logan justification. There had been no recrimination. There was nothing to rail at except for...himself.
Yeah, he would’ve preferred a punch in the face over that.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
ROSE DIDN’T KNOW how she managed to get through Christmas without weeping. Nobody had asked her where Logan was, and she hadn’t said his name at all. But now she felt wretched, like a pathetic creature, ready to curl up in a ball and wail. She was avoiding her chores, because she didn’t want to run into Logan. And she knew she couldn’t do that. Not for a serious length of time, because they were a practical reality in ranching.
Cows didn’t care if your heart was broken.
When she finally slunk down to breakfast, it was late. And the only one in the kitchen was Iris.
“All right,” Iris said, putting her hands on her hips. “It’s time for you to tell me what’s going on.”
Rose looked at her. “You never meddle.”
“I am about to meddle hard-core. Because you’re upset, and I can tell. And things have changed over the last few weeks, and you were baking cookies for Logan Heath, and I need to know what’s going on.”
“I...” She found herself helpless to find the words, and the more she searched for them, the more it all hurt. Her eyes began to fill with tears, much to her horror, and then one escaped. “I... I think my heart is broken,” she said. “I’m so... I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any of this. I wanted to do something for you. I wanted to set you up with somebody, and I ruined that, I hurt you. And somehow... Somehow it made everything go wrong between me and Logan. There was just supposed to be a blacksmithing demonstration, and then he got mad at me, and he backed me against the wall. And then... And then we kissed.” She closed her eyes. “He was mad at me. Because Elliott wanted me and I didn’t know. And he warned me. He did. He told me I didn’t know what it looked like when a man wanted me.” She shook her head. “I didn’t. I wish I could go back to not knowing. I was so thrilled with myself. So thrilled that I had uncovered the mysteries of the universe.”
“The mysteries of the universe?” Iris asked.
“Well. Predominantly what men look like naked in person. I just thought... That I was in some kind of golden age of discovery. I guess I am. I guess I’m discovering. What it’s like when you find someone. What it’s like when you lose them. It’s not fair. We lost Mom and Dad—why do I have to lose him, too?”
Iris sat down heavily at the table. “Are you telling me that you slept with Logan?”
“Yes. A lot of times. Like, a lot of times in the last month. A very lot of them.”
“Oh.” The look of absolute distress on Iris’s face would have almost been funny if Rose didn’t feel devastated down to the very bottom of her soul.
“I thought I knew what I was getting into,” Rose continued. “But I didn’t. I thought that because I wasn’t really all that romantic and I didn’t have a lot of fantasies about finding the right guy and settling down and getting married that I would be safe. That I could just... Well, he’s really hot.”
“Very hot. Yeah.”
“It’s all fun and games until you fall in love. Or realize you’ve been in love forever, or on the verge of it. I don’t really know. Do you believe in soul mates?”
Iris blinked. “I thought you weren’t a romantic.”
“I wasn’t. And now I am. Do you believe in them?”
“Well,” Iris said, her words short and clipped, “I am a romantic. So yes. I’ve always believed in that. And I guess I have always believed that...that there could be magic between two people. And you might be able to just find the one. And have there only be the one. I...I would really like to be someone’s...one.” She cleared her throat and looked away. “And I’ve never really believed in hooking up just for the sake of it.”
“Well, I thought I could. But I think I found my soul mate instead. But he doesn’t want to be my soul mate. And what are you supposed to do with that?”
“I don’t know, Rose,” Iris said. “I really don’t.”
Her sister took a deep breath, and it was as if she had conducted a miniature rally inside of herself. “But here’s what I know about you. You’re strong. You were strong for me. And you’ll be strong through this. I can’t tell you how you’ll survive. I just know that you will.”
And right then, she felt the lack of their mother more than she had in a very long time. She knew they both did. Because right about now they could both use a word from someone who knew more than they did. Someone who had wisdom and experience.
Well, they didn’t have that.
But between them they had a whole lot of love. That was what they’d always had here at Hope Springs.
Love enough to cover the shortcomings.
Except, she didn’t seem to be able to cover this thing with Logan.
He has to fix it himself.
She didn’t know where that voice came from, so certain.
But it was there, resonating in her heart.
She could only take it so far. And the rest was going to have to be his choice. She’d made a lot of choices over the past month. She’d let go of a lot of her past pain. Or at least, figured out how to allow it to exist alongside the feelings of love that she had for him.
She reached across the table and squeezed her sister’s hand. “Thank you for loving me. Even when I’m a pain in the butt.”
“Rose, I love you especially when you’re a pain in the butt. Because it makes me feel... I love who you are. I love that you’re so brave.”
“I really don’t feel all that brave right now. I feel kind of bruised.”
“Yeah. Well.” Her sister’s face looked thoughtful. “Sometimes I think you have to be bruised to get really brave. And I’m sure that you can do that. I’m sure that you can take this and turn yourself into the best Rose yet. Whether or not he’ll do the same...”
“That’s up to him,” Rose said. “But I kicked him out of the ranch.”
Iris actually laughed. “You what?”
“I kicked him out,” she said fiercely. “Because he’s an asshole. And I’m not going to work with him anymore if he’s going to be such an asshole.”
“Wow. Well, you do know that he owns part of the ranch, right? You can’t actually kick him out.”
“But I did,” she said. “I threw him out. And I’m sure that Ryder will support me.”
“Oh. I’m sure he will. But... Like all wounds, I suspect this one might just need a little bit of time.”
She did not call her sister a virgin. Because that would be mean. And she did not say that Iris didn’t understand.
But in this case, she felt like her sister didn’t understand.
She might be making her best effort toward understanding. But she had never been through anything quite like this. But Rose knew that she supported her.
She didn’t need the exact perfect advice to feel supported.
As for the rest. She was going to have to figure
out how she lived her dream when half of it was gone.
Well, she didn’t know what she could do about her dream. But she had some thoughts about being stuck and what she was going to allow her life to look like in the future. What she was going to allow from herself. Because she damn well knew that pain could make a person mean. And the only solution to that was to find a way to not let it infect you.
She had worried a few weeks ago about becoming Barbara Niedermayer.
And that was why she found herself driving into town with a plate of leftover cookies, and a thermos of spiced cider.
When she knocked on Barbara’s door, the older woman opened it. She looked shocked.
“Have you come to yell at me some more?” she asked, her tone prickly.
“No,” Rose said. “Actually thought you might like some cookies. And an apology. And maybe... Maybe a visitor.”
Maybe she couldn’t fix Logan. She couldn’t fix anyone who didn’t want to be fixed. And right now, there was no fixing her heart.
But she could mend some fences.
And all things considered, that mattered.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
HE HAD LOOKED for answers on his best friend’s front porch. He had looked for them in the bottom of a whiskey bottle.
But he was miserable.
He was out of places to look for answers. There was only one other place he could think of. One place where he might be able to find what he was looking for. He didn’t want to go there. Especially not this time of year. When the ground was frozen and everything was dead.
Guilt choked him. He never went there.
And he was the only one who would. Because he was the only one who cared about Jane Heath. But he had never been able to bring himself to go and stare at a cold, dead stone that was supposed to stand monument to everything his mother had been. Alive. Warm and beautiful. How could a rock over a hole in the ground ever be her resting place?
She wasn’t contained there. He knew it. Her soul was out somewhere else, being bright and brilliant because he could never believe that death was just the end.