"I talked to Balidor," he said, still caressing my face with his fingers. "...Just now. I told him what happened. He felt it...felt you, when you sent up the alarm. His team is looking at the shields now...trying to figure out how they got in..."
"Should we go back?" I said, fear still in my voice. "Should we make sure everyone's okay?"
"We could," he said, kissing me again. "Do you want to?"
"No." I held him tighter. "It was about you, wasn't it? That felt directed at you. Not at anyone else...not even me, except by proxy..."
Revik raised his head. I saw his eyes blur faintly as he slid back into the Barrier. After another few seconds, he made an affirmative gesture with his hand.
"They agree with you," he said. "Balidor...and Wreg. Yumi, too."
"Does he want us back there?" I said again. "Wreg. Does he need us in camp?"
"He says no," Revik said, shaking his head. "It may not have been aimed at them, but they felt it," he added, glancing at me. "You pulled the whole camp out of it...enough to allow them to compensate, and to realize we were under attack..."
"That was an attack?"
Revik nodded, nuzzling my face with his. "Yes." Raising his head, he gave me a more serious look. "Balidor agrees...we need to train you more in infiltration, wife. You need to be integrated into his team, and using all of their signals, not just providing irregular input when these things happen. You should have a direct link to them at all times...Balidor, at any rate. I've asked him to see if he can set one up temporarily for this op, before we move out." Kissing me again, he stroked my hair back from my face, adjusting his weight over me again. "You have an incredible knack for spotting psychic attacks...you know that, don't you?"
"I do when they're aimed at my husband," I said.
I tried to make it sound like a joke, but my voice shook a little.
When he smiled at me, I averted my eyes, wiping my face with the back of one hand. I was sweating, but I kind of doubted it was from the sex at that point. Something about seeing and feeling that wash of silver light had actually broken me out into a cold sweat. My whole body still felt clenched, as if I'd been groped by someone or something repulsive, something that continued to feel nearby, as if right within reach.
"Revik," I said, covering my face with the same hand. "What are we going to do? You're not safe here, are you?"
"I'm fairly sure none of us is safe here, Allie."
"Did I make a huge mistake, talking everyone into coming down here?"
When I glanced up from under my fingers that time, he met my gaze. I felt him wavering between saying different things, maybe to reassure me or to take more of the blame onto himself. I saw him dismiss each of those things, one by one, as his frown deepened. Once his expression had cleared, he gave a low sigh. Kissing my face, then my mouth, he laid his head on my shoulder, expanding his light into mine.
"I honestly don't know," he said. "Maybe this is a huge mistake." He tugged on my hair, blowing more warmth into my chest. "But we can't leave them here, Allie. We can't leave Cass. Or Chan. Or Maygar. Or that intermediary, Stanley." He kissed my neck, caressing my face with his. "...We can't even leave Feigran," he said, softer. "Whatever else he's been, he has a chance to be different now. If he stays here, we'll never get him back. He'll be lost forever."
I turned my head, looking at him.
It had never occurred to me before, that Revik thought we had a chance of helping Terian, at least not like that. When he said it though, I realized he was right. Terian had been made out of Feigran, just like Syrimne had been made out of Nenzi of Algathe. We couldn't abandon him, any more than I could abandon Revik.
We couldn't leave him here. We couldn't leave any of them.
Something in realizing that actually made me relax.
"We're not really here to negotiate, are we, husband?" I asked him after a pause.
Looking up at me, he seemed to think about my words. Clicking a little, he kissed my palm, shaking his head.
"No," he said. "I guess we aren't."
Before I could really think about what that might mean, to all of us, we were kissing again. In not too long a time, we were kissing harder, and he was rocking his body against me, fully extended again. Pain swam over me from him, but it felt different that time, more open. I felt his heart in it, and when I opened my light, he opened his even more...so much so that I lost myself in him again, still holding onto that white, high space. When I pulled him deeper into that, too, he wrapped his arms around me, coiling more of his light into mine.
For a long moment, somewhere in all of that, I got lost again.
That lost feeling swam in fear, a feeling of nearly having blown everything.
He felt like himself again, but somehow that only made the fear worse, and brought up that grief of the past few years, when I didn't know if I'd ever get him back. His own light softened, trying to comfort mine, but I couldn't make myself wholly let it go. That glimpse of him as he had been...broken, closed, filled with self-hate and hatred of pretty much everyone else, especially me...had been enough to scare the living shit out of me. However brief, the reminder of how close he'd come to being that other person permanently made me feel like something in me had been hit hard with a heavy board. I could feel that vulnerable part of his heart, and it terrified me how lost both of us could get, and how easily.
It also made me feel like I'd been kidding myself, thinking either of us could be entirely safe from his past.
When he couldn't distract me with his light, he tried to distract me with his body, until both of us were clinging to one another again, half out of our heads as he pulled on me, bringing me to the edge and holding me there. He kept me in that space until I couldn't hold out anymore, until I opened more of my light into his, releasing the fear as I let go.
I don't know how long we were doing that exactly, but at one point he rolled over to his back with me and sat up, tugging me deeper into his lap as he braced his weight on the nearby rock wall. From there, I found myself looking at his face, and that fear worsened again, however briefly, until he managed to help me soften it once more with his light.
I held onto the shield, though.
Even when he brought me to a slow climax, some time after that, I held on to that shield as if my life depended on it, gripping it tighter than I held even him...maybe tighter than I'd ever held onto anything in my life.
26
INVITATION
WHEN WE GOT back to camp, Wreg was waiting for us. I saw Jon not far from him, by Wreg's tent, sitting on the ground and shoving his socked feet into the same type of heavy, armored boots that already weighted down mine. From the bleary-eyed expression on his face, and how pale his skin looked, he hadn't gotten much sleep, either.
With my urging, Revik managed to pass out for about an hour.
Despite Balidor's assurances and my own good intentions, I hadn't been able to do the same.
Instead I lay next to Revik under two of the blankets, his arm around me as I stared up at the morning sky. I found myself still obsessively focused on that shield I held over his light. Not only that, I'd started to doubt our approach plan to Shadow's actual headquarters. If their construct had been able to get past Balidor and Wreg, we had even less chance of disguising our numbers or intent in any real way.
So I lay there, running scenarios. I even ran a few past Balidor to get his opinion, and he'd been able to help me refine a few of the things I'd missed. Like me, he had his doubts that we would be able to do much more than engage them in a standing fight, when push came to shove. We talked about whether he should bring his own people into the fray more directly if that happened, or if they would be more effective behind the lines.
We also talked about whether Revik might be more vulnerable to this guy than the rest of us, given his past. We also discussed whether we should actually pull him, or whether I could keep him safe if we followed the original plan and had me shielding him full time, while Balidor and his team hand
led the shielding for everyone else. The consensus between us ended up being no on pulling him...but for my part, it wasn't a particularly hard no.
In any case, sleep didn't happen. I'd still been in pain, which hadn't exactly helped. Revik was too, and he pulled on me even as he slept.
When we got back to the camp, I wondered if most of the others slept, either.
I found myself studying Jon's face as we approached Wreg's tent, seeing the tense look there. He didn't look at Wreg when the Chinese seer got up to talk to us, but I felt his attention on Wreg anyway. I also noticed the fact that nether of their lights seemed to be able to leave the other one alone for more than a few seconds at a time.
Even as I thought it, Revik stepped closer to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. The possessiveness behind the gesture didn't go unnoticed by Wreg...or by Jon.
Jon glanced at me instead of Revik though, raising an eyebrow.
Looking between the three of them, it hit me suddenly, how blind I'd been. The attack by Shadow scared me, but it also illuminated a few things I'd managed to miss, or dismiss as a lot less significant than maybe they were. I also realized with a start that some...maybe even most...of the problems with Wreg and Revik right now weren't wholly over questions of strategy. Neither one of them was fully rational. Given the separation problems between the four of us, it actually was a wonder it hadn't come to blows between the two of them. It made all of us paranoid, even me about Revik and Jon, if I was being fully honest with myself.
Seeing just that much helped.
Somehow, merely being aware of the problem managed to diffuse it slightly in my eyes. It also made it a lot easier to reassure Revik without overreacting to his overreaction.
I remembered what he'd told me, all those months ago, before we went to the cabin. He'd warned me that we weren't likely to be rational for awhile, at least until the bond fully stabilized. He warned me it was liable to make both of us paranoid.
We'll have to be considerate of one another, Allie. Really considerate...
Remembering this, I stepped backwards into Revik. Leaning against his body deliberately, I merged my light into his, at the same time shielding my aleimi slightly from Wreg and Jon's. The instant I did it, I felt him relax, enough that a pulse of embarrassment left his light, along with what might have been an apology. I sent him warmth in return, along with zero judgment, showing him in a condensed image what I'd realized in those few seconds, and why Shadow had been able to play him around me and Wreg.
I felt him puzzling over what I'd sent briefly, right before another layer in his light began to relax.
He held me tighter then, sending me a warm pulse of love, and relief. I felt some of his self-judgment fall away in the same instant, too. That vulnerability remained in his light, but that no longer felt like a problem, either. I felt the stronger pulse of his presence below...stronger than the fear, and completely calm.
Wreg smiled at both of us, wide enough that I wondered if he'd felt my realization, too.
"Neither one of you slept a wink, did you?" he said, clicking softly.
"He did," I said, nudging Revik with my elbow without moving away from him.
"Yeah, my wife was too busy plotting strategy with Balidor..." Revik grunted. He smiled when Wreg laughed. "...I think she's pissed that Shadow got anywhere near her shields. That has to be a first for her..." He kissed my neck, tugging lightly at my hair.
He was hard again, but the majority of what I felt off him was still relief. He felt rational again, too, and I could feel the military commander there, within that rationality. Wrapping an arm around my shoulders, he held me tighter against him, exuding another pulse of gratitude.
"Any news?" he asked Wreg.
His voice had lost that edge, too, I noticed.
Wreg visibly relaxed as well, looking between the two of us.
"Yes," he said, sighing a little. Tugging the armored coat around his chest, he glanced at Jon, and again I felt that pain around the two of them. Funnily enough, from the outside, without my light interacting with theirs, it just struck me as sort of sweet. Especially when Jon couldn't even meet the seer's gaze.
"I don't know how to put this exactly, without making us all look like incompetent jerks..." Wreg added, glancing back at Revik, then at me.
"What do you mean?" I said.
Wreg hesitated again, then exhaled.
"We got an invitation. Over our secure line."
"An invitation?" Revik said. "Do you mean what I think you mean?"
Wreg gestured a 'yes,' rolling his eyes, seer-fashion. His voice held a thread of irritation when he went on.
"...Shadow has cordially invited our leadership party to dinner tomorrow night," he said. "We've even been invited to spend the night in his house, if we so desire." Wreg gave Revik a more serious look. "Oh, and this Shadow identifies himself as a single individual, by the way, so I'm guessing your wife was right about that...that it's a code name of some kind for the seer who sees himself the lord of all this..." Wreg made a vague gesture around at the mountains and the lake at his back before adding, "...Further, this 'Shadow' assures us that we should easily make it to his property in time for a late meal, so urges us to 'take our time and enjoy the scenery in this unique part of the world.'"
Wreg snorted a bit, rolling his eyes again as he placed his hands on his hips.
"...He also assures us there would be no advantage to us in arriving any sooner..." He gave Revik a hard look at this, as if trying to read behind his face to how he interpreted those words. Seeming to see what he expected, he shrugged. "...He also said he 'very much looked forward to meeting with our party,' and that he believes 'we should all be able to come to an agreement about how best to solve our apparent differences in the most amicable way possible'..."
I snorted a little myself, folding my arms, but didn't move away from Revik.
I knew that was a direct quote. Seers have photographic memories.
"He does, does he?" I said.
Wreg gave a low laugh, making a dismissive gesture with one hand. "Yeah. Well, he's a cocky fuck, but we already knew that, princess...na?"
"Are we sure he doesn't have reason to be?" I said, my voice a bit harder. I glanced back reflexively at Revik, feeling another flutter of nerves as I remembered how easily this Shadow person had gotten into his light. Somehow, I had a feeling the same individual had been behind that little display, as well. Not one of his people, but him...personally.
Revik didn't speak, but I saw the same understanding in his eyes.
When I looked back at Wreg, he seemed to be thinking the same thing.
"No, princess," he said, sighing. "We most definitely are not certain of that at all." He hesitated, looking again at Revik. "But we're still doing this, right? I mean, we don't have much choice now, do we, laoban?"
I smiled, mostly from hearing Wreg use the 'boss man' moniker with Revik again. Even so, his words made me nervous. Maybe more than I realized, as I felt Revik reacting to the change in my light. He gripped me tighter, sending another pulse of warmth through my skin. When I glanced back at him, he hadn't taken his eyes off Wreg's face.
"No," Revik said, his voice neutral. "No, I guess we don't have a choice."
"It's that or go home, right? And we aren't going home, are we?"
Revik glanced down at me. I looked back, meeting his gaze, but he already knew my answer.
"No," Revik said, softer as he pulled me tighter against his chest. "No, I guess not."
Wreg just looked at the two of us for a moment. Then he sighed, his hands on his hips as he glanced at Jon. Despite his frown, I felt him relaxing somewhat, as if he'd thought about this possibility as well, and had already come to the same conclusions.
"So we finish this then?" Wreg said.
I nodded, even as I felt Revik do the same behind me.
"We finish it," I said.
When I looked down at Jon, I was a little surprised to see relief on his face, too.
WE MADE GOOD time. Despite the more mountainous section in the last leg of the trip, and the numbers of us going through the valleys at any given point, we reached the pass that Chandre mapped out for us as the sun just began to set on the second day.
That night we spent in the valley I managed to sleep, but only when Balidor himself took over management of the shield I'd been holding over Revik, along with the map of weaknesses I'd created to document how Shadow penetrated his light the first time.
I didn't sleep long, though, or particularly deeply. Nightmares hit me off and on throughout the night, pretty bad ones. They reminded me of the kinds of dreams I got a lot when Revik had been in Terian's custody, when I spent most of my time mucking around with the Pyramid's light, trying to get at Galaith. At the time, Vash told me the Dreng were getting at my light because I was thinking about them so much. During those months in Seertown, when I thought pretty much everyone I cared about was likely dead, I didn't have a whole lot else to obsess on, apart from revenge. Those dreams were how I paid for that obsession.
That, and a heavy feeling I carried with me most days.
That time, usually Vash had been the one to pull me out of those spaces. He'd spend hours working on my light every morning...right before I went to work with his infiltrators again, once more trying to track Galaith.
This time, I didn't have Vash around to help me out...or even to make me laugh. It was too easy to get lost in that dark place, until my only option was to wake myself up.
Still, the similarities in that flavor of Barrier space helped me in a way, too. If nothing else, it kept my mind from buying into it too heavily. I knew how much b.s. lived in that version of reality...not just from Revik's past, but from my own memories of Galaith and all of his delusions. The dreams made me feel like I slept inside the Pyramid all over again...which gave me something to hold on to, when I started forgetting that it wasn't real.
I knew that over time, however, that ability to see it as not-real would diminish.
Allie's War Season Three Page 71