Conviction (Consolation Duet #2)

by Corinne Michaels

  “After we got back from the mission where we lost Brian, Fernando, and Devon . . . I don’t think any of us were right. I’m, you know . . . me,” he pauses and I smile. “Jackson had Maddie, and we know he didn’t handle it well, but Aaron was just quiet. I figured it was him dealing with it. I feel like we all failed each other.”

  Mark pours his heart out, and for the first time, I really try to see when it all happened. That mission destroyed and bonded the three of them. Aaron, Mark, and Jackson all left the Navy after that. Aaron was injured, but he finished his enlistment. He went through his therapy and never spoke about it. I just assumed he was dealing with it.

  “I think I’m as much to blame for that. After all of that, having a baby became my only goal. If he died, I would have something of him,” I sigh and look away.

  “Forgive yourself, Lee. We all make choices and some of them aren’t the best, but in the end, none of us are perfect. Aaron made some pretty shitty decisions, but you don’t have to bear his demons—he has to,” he squeezes my hand. “Now, about our beautiful bundle of joy . . .”

  My hand rubs my stomach and I get choked up. “I don’t even know if I can be pregnant, let alone carry. You have to promise me you’ll keep your mouth shut.” I look at him as fear begins to swirl. If I’m pregnant by some miracle, there’s no guarantee I can carry full term.

  He raises his hands. “I won’t say a word.”

  “I’m serious. Liam has been out of touch a few days, and again, I don’t think this is possible.” I start to tremble.

  “Hey,” he wraps his arm around me. “Relax. We’ll see what the doctor says and go from there.”

  I focus on staying calm and wait for the OBGYN to come for a consult. My mind wanders to Liam and how he’ll feel about me being pregnant. We never used protection because I never thought this was a possibility. Mark stays with me, and of course, continues to drive me insane.

  We talk about the investigation into Cole Security Forces and how he found something suspicious in the files. He explains how he’ll be heading out of town a little more often to check on things.

  “Charlie and I are working together on some leads,” Mark says absently.

  “Mrs. Gilcher, I’m Dr. Wynn.” He enters and heads over with my chart. Mark stands and shakes his hand.

  “I’m going to step out and call the office . . . let them know you’re alive,” Mark winks and I nod.

  “Do you want to wait for your husband?” the doctor asks, looking perplexed at the fact he left.

  I scoot up and shake my head. “No, he’s just a friend.”

  “Okay, I ran your labs again and you are in fact pregnant,” he confirms.

  My lips turn and my heart races. I’m going to have a baby—Liam’s baby. “I have a lot of history.” I attempt to rein it in. The bottom line is that I’ve lost a hell of a lot more babies than I’ve given birth to. I know the pain that comes along with getting excited or being hopeful. I need to make sure I don’t get too far ahead of myself.

  I go over my past fertility issues and miscarriages. He listens patiently as I give details and start to get slightly emotional. I explain that the baby’s father is overseas and how I need to be certain everything is okay. The big mystery is how pregnant am I. Because I don’t have regular cycles, I could be a few weeks, or I could be a few months.

  Dr. Wynn steps to the side of the bed. “Well, I’d like to do an ultrasound and see how far along you are. Then we can get you set up with your doctor, but at least we’ll get a good idea today. Sound good?”

  I brace myself and let out a deep shaky breath. This is it. “Let’s do this.”

  “I’m just pointing out you’re whipped,” Quinn razzes me as we unload the gear. It’s been two weeks since I’ve heard her voice. Two long weeks where I’ve wondered and worried. All the damn shit I swore I wouldn’t do.

  Our simple in and out mission was of course delayed once we got boots on the ground. I’m tired, irritable, and need to see her.

  “At least I’m not calling and going to voicemail.”

  Quinn shouldn’t talk shit considering he’s called Ashton at least five times and she refuses to answer. But the asshat keeps trying.

  “She’ll come around.”

  “Whatever . . . I’d rather be whipped than a pussy who can’t get the girl.”

  He snuffs, “I am what I eat.”

  We both laugh and finish with the offload. Unfortunately, I still have a ton of shit to do before I can even be close to calling home. There’s a stack of paperwork with my name on it.

  After about three hours of mindless crap and a debrief with the Commander, I head back to my barracks. Luckily, I have my own room and don’t have to deal with anyone. I want to sleep for days, but tomorrow we have another meeting for an upcoming mission and need to prepare.

  I grab my phone and pray to God the Wi-Fi isn’t going to give me shit today.

  “Liam?” her voice is sleepy, and I would give my left nut to be able to touch her.

  “Hi, sweetheart.”

  “Hi, are you okay?” she asks disoriented. I look at the clock for the first time and feel like shit. It’s three a.m. her time.

  “I’m sorry I woke you. I just got back to my room and missed you.”

  She groans and I picture her stretching. “I miss you. I’m awake.”

  “Go back to bed,” I give her an out.

  “Liam Dempsey, shut your face and talk to me.”

  “Kinda counterproductive there, isn’t it?” I joke and smile, lying back down.

  If I close my eyes, I can pretend I’m with her. The silence stretches between us as I imagine myself holding her.

  “Everything okay?” Her quiet voice soothes me.

  “Now it is.”

  The mission was one thing after another. And I’ll be gone a lot more frequently as there’s movement again in Africa. My team is the most ready to handle that region and the other team is already tasked to another area. I don’t want to fucking think about it.

  “Good.” She sounds wary. “How long will we be in touch for?”

  “Not long. I swear this deployment is going to destroy me,” I admit to her. “I can’t fucking handle the bullshit. Every time I get something in place, something goes wrong. My mind is all over the place, and I’m snapping at everyone. I swear one more person adds something to my plate, and I’m going to lose it.”

  “You seem overwhelmed.” Her voice rings of defeat. But why?

  “What’s wrong, Lee?” Her long pause does nothing to calm me. I hear her sigh and my adrenaline spikes. “Natalie,” I say, sitting up.

  “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.”

  “That word again.” My voice is harsh, but I hate this. “Talk to me, sweetheart.” I calm myself because she doesn’t need to deal with my shit.

  She lets out a deep breath. “I’m just missing you. Aaron moved out this week, and there’s some stuff going on at the office.”

  Just the news of Aaron moving out of the house is enough to make me feel better. I would’ve never been the one to push it, but knowing he’s gone will help me relax a little. The idea of him being there when I couldn’t was killing me.

  “How’s he doing?” I wonder. No matter what, our friendship will never be the same. I could never look at him knowing he got the girl and I can’t imagine he’ll be calling me for a beer anytime soon. There is no way this can end well enough for either of us to the point where we can go back to what we were. If she picked him, I could never go around there. Looking at her with him would destroy me. Aaron will always be tied to Natalie through Aarabelle, and I respect that. She’s his daughter, and though I may love her like she’s my own, she’s not. The loss of his friendship weighs heavily on me.

  “He’s good. I hope he is at least. He’s in counseling and Mark is helping a lot. Is this weird?” she asks.

  “It’s not pleasant, but he’s a part of our lives.”

  “Yeah,” she sighs.

 
“I was thinking of Krissy today.” I mention my sister for the first time in a long time.

  “Oh? You never mention her anymore,” Natalie notes with her voice sounding more alert.

  I feel like a dirtbag for not talking about her. Krissy was my younger sister, and I doted on her. When we were kids, we were best friends and later I protected her from asshole guys who wanted to fuck her. Which, considering we were Irish twins and only ten months apart, meant I broke a lot of my friends’ jaws.

  “Just wishing she could see me now . . . changing diapers and shit.”

  Natalie laughs and I smile. I love the sound she makes and how her eyes brighten. I can see it in my head. “You don’t change diapers. You massacre them. But you’ll have a lot of time to learn.”

  “Fuck that. I’ll let you handle all of it.” My eyes close, and I could pass out.

  “I don’t know . . .” she trails off.

  “I hate to cut you off, but we just got back and I’m exhausted. Can we talk later? I’m beat and I have another shit day tomorrow. Let’s hope everyone steers clear because I’m liable to snap.”

  “Of course. Get some sleep. I love you.” Her voice is low and my eyes keep closing.

  “Yeah, I need a nap. Love you. I’ll call soon.” We say our goodbyes and I swear I’m asleep before we disconnect.

  “You still haven’t told him?” Reanell asks as we sit at the Plaza Azteca. She grabs another nacho and pops it in her mouth, waiting for my answer.

  “No, I don’t want to stress him out, and when I miscarry, I don’t want to have to tell him. It’s easier this way.”

  It’s been a month since I found out I’m pregnant, and whenever I talk to Liam, he seems stressed beyond his max. Each time I go to the bathroom, I’m terrified. It’s like I know it’s coming and I just wish it would happen.

  “I think he deserves to know,” she says, grabbing her giant fishbowl-sized margarita.

  “I fully plan to tell him. But if I tell him now and then lose the baby, he’ll be devastated and still be deployed. If I tell him and his mind goes elsewhere and he gets hurt—then what?” I ask her and stare. She knows I’m right. He’s been stressed, crabby, and he leaves again for another time down-range, as he calls it. So, for now it’s better for me to keep this quiet and keep him focused on the task at hand.

  She nods and sits back. “I get it. You have a good point. There are so many things I don’t tell Mason when he’s gone.”

  “Like?”

  “Well, he doesn’t know about how the stupid, piece of shit hot water heater went again. He’ll get upset that he didn’t fix it, and then I’ll have to stroke his ego about how he’s so amazing. And really, I’d rather buy myself some Jimmy Choos and say it was my reward.”

  I laugh and snort, “I don’t know how that man deals with you.”

  Rea smiles and throws back her drink. “I promise that Mason has more cracks than the San Andreas Fault. He spends more money on his stupid sports memorabilia than I do in shoes and purses. We even out and we don’t have kids.”

  Reanell’s eyes fall and I know what she’s feeling. She and Mason tried for years, and instead of killing themselves over it, they just resolved that if it happened, it happened. I admire that they put their marriage first, but I couldn’t possibly imagine a life where Aarabelle didn’t exist. My hand drifts to my stomach and I think about the baby inside. If I lose him or her, it will wreck me. I know the pain both emotionally and physically. The agony of not being woman enough gnaws its way up my throat.

  “Lee?” Rea’s hand touches my arm.

  “I can’t lose this baby,” I admit with tears forming.

  “No matter what happens . . . I’m here. I’ll hold your hand, rub your back, and then we’ll get drunk, but I think this baby is a miracle.” She raises her glass, and I raise mine. “To Dreambaby.”

  “Dreambaby?”

  “Well, he’s Dreamboat, so he has Dreambabies.”

  “Oh, Jesus.”

  We both laugh and talk about my doctor’s appointment. According to them, everything is on track and I conceived while we were in South Carolina. I’m only six weeks pregnant and my plan is to let Liam know once I make it through the twelve week period. I’ve lost two babies during the first trimester and the other was at fourteen weeks. I can’t worry him, and I don’t want to have him distracted.

  Reanell sits back in the booth with a look that I know too well.

  “What?” I ask.

  “How are you handling Aarabelle and Aaron?”

  I sigh and look away. “It’s hard sharing her like this, but it’s the way it is. Aaron is trying really hard and we’re getting along surprisingly well. He’s going to therapy and he loves her.”

  Right now he’s taking her for short periods of time and nothing overnight. He said he’s not ready with his sleep schedule and the nightmares being as bad as they are. I’m proud that he’s aware of his PTSD and how it’s affecting him. The decision not to keep Aarbelle overnight is his decision instead of something I have to fight him on. Our lives have drifted through rougher seas, but he’s trying to calm them.

  “How do you think he’s going to handle . . . ?”

  “Not well. But he knows I’m moving on. I filed for divorce and he signed it.”

  “Wow, that’s surprising.”

  It was a shock, but I was glad it wasn’t drawn out. Aaron and I had tears in our eyes when I gave him the papers, but nonetheless he didn’t fight me. It was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It was truly admitting that the marriage was dissolved on our own choice.

  “He said he loves me and he wants us both to be happy.” She nods and looks around. “You don’t think so?”

  Reanell smiles. “I think you both are handling this difficult situation the best you can. I keep trying to imagine how I’d act if this was me. I think the divorce was more than a long time coming. I just want you all to be happy and in a good place. I know he was in a bad way when he got back, but considering he’s in counseling, it should help when he finds out about the baby.”

  Since the fertility problems were basically the beginning of the end for us, I know this will kill him. I’ve thought about it and how to handle telling him, and I come up empty each time. Mark is the only person other than Reanell who knows. I owe it to Liam to let him know before anyone else. While having more children has always been something I wanted, I never thought it was a possibility. Now here I sit, pregnant with Liam’s baby.

  “Do you think Liam will be happy?” I ask the burning question.

  “Did you guys ever talk about it?”

  “No, not really. I mean, he loves Aarabelle so much, I assume he won’t be upset, but . . .”

  It’s the one black cloud that looms over me. I worry that he’ll think I tricked him before he was ready, but then knowing Liam, I doubt that at the same time. He loves me and we weren’t some one-night fling. He’s already made mention of marrying me and moving forward together.

  Reanell grabs my hand. “I think Liam and you have a love that’s real and true. He’s patient, kind, loyal, and most of all, he adores you. He’s chosen you over a friendship that lasted far longer and he loves Aara. I mean, not many men would do what he has. Liam is your forever love.”

  A tear falls as I allow my wall to come down for a minute and think about him. I miss him and can’t imagine my life with anyone else. Liam fills the cracks that formed in my heart. He makes me whole again, and gives me something I didn’t know I was missing. Just the sound of his voice can calm or excite me. I fall asleep thinking of him and wake up wishing he was next to me. I don’t think I could ever get over him. He would forever exist inside of my soul.

  “I’m such an emotional mess. Damn hormones,” I laugh and wipe under my eyes. “I think Liam allowed me to see the difference between a comfortable love and a love that shatters your world. I loved Aaron, don’t get me wrong . . . but it was just something I think we did. We dated, got married, then hav
ing children became what we should do next. When we couldn’t, I felt like we were broken. Does that make sense?”

  It’s Reanell’s turn to wipe her eyes. “It does.”

  My heart breaks for her. As much as she puts on the front about her purses and shoes, she wanted children. “I’m so sorry, Rea.”

  “I didn’t want to go through it. I couldn’t after watching you. My faith in God broke each time you’d call me and say it didn’t work or you lost a baby. You’re so much stronger than me, sister.”

  I come around the other side of the booth and hug her. There’s a sisterhood we share. One of understanding, support, and unending friendship. When half our hearts leave, we bind our remaining pieces to get through the days. Not everyone can understand what we do. They say they can, but it’s not all sunshine and unicorns. We put our fears aside and wear plastic smiles because that’s what you do. Military wives aren’t strong because they want to be. They have to be. I know the chance that Liam can be returning in a box is real, but I love him regardless.

  Reanell returns my hug and sniffles. It’s not often she breaks down, and she never shares this with Mason. “You have no idea how strong you are.” I pull her close and we both cry out a little of the pain we share.

  Another two weeks pass.

  Another two weeks of Liam being gone.

  I hate deployments.

  I look at the beach filled with happy couples, and I want to scream. Aarabelle and I are playing in the sand. Liam hasn’t called in a week, and I keep having horrible nightmares. I woke up last night and ran to the front door thinking someone was there to tell me he died. It was so real. I was already crying hysterically when I ripped the door open.

  “Hey,” Aaron’s voice calls out from behind us.

  “Hi.” I smile as he looks at Aarabelle.

  In the last six weeks, Aaron has started to look like the man I fell in love with. We haven’t really spoken about anything deep, but he said he understands my need to move on.

  “How are you?” he asks as Aara gets up and runs to him.