My mouth opens and Liam’s tongue clashes with mine. He licks and pushes me back into my seat. I let him take the lead as I hold his lips against mine. I want to kiss him forever, but we have to go. I push him back, but when his blue eyes hone in on me, I pull him to me again.
Liam smiles against my mouth and gives me a small peck. “You’re so cute when you want me.”
“I’ve missed your smart ass,” I laugh and he kisses me once more before closing the door.
We head to the airport and the sweet mood of reunion morphs into the fear of what we’re heading to. During the drive, I explain to Liam the information I have and he calls his father while we wait for the plane to board. Liam slips into his mask but keeps his hands on me in some way. His hands never leave my skin other than when he has no choice.
Early in the flight to Cincinnati, Liam and I talk briefly about what he’s missed with Aaron and Aarabelle.
“Are you going to tell me why no one could get in touch with you?” I ask. It’s been driving me insane, but I wasn’t sure whether to bring it up.
“It was a clusterfuck.” He looks away.
“Is that all I get?” I ask softly. There’s a line between significant other and SEAL. He and I have to establish it and this is one of those defining moments. It’s not a matter of trust and I know this. It’s a matter of protection.
Aaron wouldn’t tell me much other than it was no day at the beach. I knew that was his way of saying the discussion was over. Only once did he ever go in depth about a mission, and it was when they lost their three friends. He came home and lost it. I held him in my arms as he sobbed. That funeral was the most horrific day. All three caskets draped in our nation’s colors. The tears flowed relentlessly through the entire ceremony.
“I wish I could tell you, but it’s a lot. There wasn’t one fucking thing that went right. Not one. It was as if there was someone sabotaging every move we made.” He runs his hands down his face. “I swear, Lee, I work with some really smart guys, but they were all dumb that day.”
I nod and hope he’ll go on.
“They forgot batteries, rounds, a clip, I mean either that or someone was swiping shit before we left. But then we’d get it straight and all set and then something would break. We got to this one area to do some intel and none of our radios would work. I couldn’t communicate with anyone. The guys were pinned down in one area of the village, and I stayed hidden until Quinn made visual. I figured the coast was clear, but it wasn’t. As soon as we figured out we were being trailed, we split off again. The radio wasn’t working, and I couldn’t risk using the sat phone.”
Liam grips my hand and looks away. His head rests against the seat as I wait.
“We’re lucky. It was straight luck that we were able to get out of that one, but we had to double back a different route to make sure nothing led us back to the rest of the team. There were hostiles watching our every move. I wasn’t able to get the intel we needed because of what a mess everything was. As soon as we got to a safer place, I got the message, and we high-tailed it home.”
“I was so worried.”
“I can imagine. But you’d have never known if this wasn’t happening.”
I let out a deep sigh and look down at our joined hands. “That doesn’t comfort me either. I know you’re at risk, but I’m pregnant again. I don’t want to raise two babies as a single mom.”
Liam lifts our hands then kisses the top of my hand. “I can’t promise you anything in regards to this, Lee. You know that. I know it sucks worrying about me when I’m gone, but I can only promise that I love you and I’m doing everything I can.”
He’s right and I know that I have to be strong. I don’t doubt our love. I know what we have is special but it’s also fragile. We live in a world where they are trained to think they’re invincible. They take chances everyday people don’t take.
“You mean so much to me,” I explain.
“Relax, I’m here now. We’ve got a long few days ahead of us.”
I lay my head against his shoulder and inhale his scent. The sandalwood and cologne takes me back to where it all started. The way he held me and calmed me. I allow that feeling to wash over me again.
He doesn’t say anything, but I know it’s because his mind is lost on his mother. He lifts the seat divider and tucks me against his chest. My hand rests on his heart, and he keeps his on my belly. The exhaustion and overload of emotions takes over and we both fall asleep.
“Hey,” Liam’s voice breaks through my sleep-induced fog. “Come on, sweetheart.”
He nudges me a little and I get up. “I haven’t slept that good in a long time.” I smile, and he looks at my stomach.
He puts his bags down and grabs my hips. I watch in awe as his head lowers and he kisses my belly. “Hi.” Tears well in my eyes. “I’m going to be your Daddy.”
A woman behind Liam stands with her hand over her chest. My fingers touch his dark brown hair and gently move of their own accord. He amazes me with the amount of care and tenderness he has. He’s killed people, interrogated terrorists, climbed mountains, and who knows what, but with me . . . he’s different.
Liam’s head lifts and he kisses me, grabs the bags, and smiles.
“Why do you have to be so perfect?”
“Because I was made for you.”
“There you go again.” I smile and shake my head.
“You like me this way.”
“I guess so,” I shrug my shoulders and start to turn, but Liam grabs my hand. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know that I can say goodbye to her,” he admits. “I didn’t even see her before I left. I mean, what kind of piece of shit doesn’t say goodbye to his own mom before deployment?”
The guilt rises because instead of Liam going home to see his family, we went away.
“I’ll be with you the entire time,” I try to reassure him. This will be hard on him and his father. I know what loss feels like, and I can only hope I give them a tiny amount of comfort.
We grab a cab then head toward the hospital. Liam is filled with nervous energy as his leg bounces and he keeps grabbing his neck. I’ve been there and I’m relying on my own memories to help get him through this. I remember the things I hated, but then in my situation, I also didn’t know it was coming. I was distraught, but I try to imagine how it would be to know this is happening. To watch someone you love die must be worse.
Liam calls his father and he instructs us where to go.
“Liam,” his father says in a half cry as he sees him.
“Dad.” He takes him into his arms and both men begin to lose it.
“I can’t lose her, son. I don’t know a world without her.” He cries on his shoulder and tears stream down my cheek. His father looks up and steps back. “You must be Natalie.”
I nod and walk to him. “I am. I’m so sorry we are meeting this way.” I go to shake his hand, but he embraces me immediately.
“I’ve heard so much about you and your daughter.” He lets me go and Liam smiles.
Liam pulls me to his side then kisses my temple. He murmurs, “Go sit. It’s been a lot of time on your feet.”
I nod my agreement. I head over to a chair while the two men talk. He fills Liam in on more details, and Liam’s head falls into his hands. They both cry with each other as they mourn the fact that she will never recover. She’s on full life support and Aidan has been keeping her alive so Liam could say goodbye.
Liam heads over to me and squats down, taking my hand in his and rubbing his calloused thumb across the delicate skin. “I have to go in there,” A tear falls. “I need you with me. I need to introduce you to her and tell her about our baby.”
The sorrow in his eyes mirrors mine. I don’t say anything, but I stand. He tugs me against his side and holds my hip. We walk slowly and I wrap my arms around his torso. I hold him while he holds me. I know he’s hurting. You can feel it coming off of him. The smell of bleach and despair filters through the air.
>
He stops and glimpses at me as the mask I know all too well slips into place. He’s shutting himself off to try to ease the pain. But I’m also aware that it doesn’t stop it. You may think it does. You only hope to cloak yourself in the delusions of being fine. The pain though doesn’t care. It penetrates through the open fibers, seeps through your soul, and eats at you if you let it. I won’t let it consume him though. I’ll fight for him to come to the light just as he did for me.
I’m supposed to be a man. A man’s man, the ones who can do anything. I’m a goddamn Navy SEAL. I’ve been to war and seen some awful shit. I’ve battled through things most men can only imagine. Yet here I stand like a little bitch hesitating to open that door.
This is the woman who fucking raised me. She gave me everything. Taught me how to treat a woman, slapped me around when I did it wrong. I never really thought about what it would be like to lose a parent. They’re still young and I’m not ready to lose her.
“Liam,” Natalie encourages. Her thin arms stay wrapped around me as if she’s holding me together. And right now—she is. I look down at her and wait for some sort of courage to arrive. But it’s there in her eyes. Her strength and love are there in her face. Even with all the crap that’s come between us, she’s been strong.
I nod and open the door. She lies there with tubes and monitors everywhere. The steady beeping tells me that she’s alive, but only thanks to the machines. A white sheet is draped over her, keeping her warm, but everything around me is ice cold.
I step toward her slowly. Her chest rises and falls, but there’s no life there. All I can pray for is that she doesn’t feel any pain.
“Hi, Mom,” I say as I reach her bedside. “I got here as soon as I could. It’s a long story, but you know how it goes.” I try to stay strong, but this is my mother. The woman who apparently did diapers and didn’t rip the tabs. She’s the one who wiped my knee and made me a cape when I needed to be Superman. Shannon Dempsey is the strongest woman in the world. She had kids, buried one, raised another, and I never saw her break down and lose it. I swear she could run laps around the SEALs and put us all to shame.
I failed her. I wasn’t here to protect her.
“Please wake up, Mom. I don’t know that there’s any chance, but I’m begging you, please, if you can . . . do it now. I’m sorry . . . for so many things. I don’t know how to say goodbye to you like this.” I need to take a second, because I’m going to lose it.
Natalie rubs her fingers down my arm, and I close my eyes. “Hi, Mrs. Dempsey. We met once, but I’m Natalie.”
The woman of my dreams stands here talking to my mother while I try to keep it together. She gives me the out so I don’t feel so weak.
“I remember you loved to bake. I wish I had the chance to learn from you since I literally am the worst.” Natalie smiles and releases my hand. Before I can grab it back, she grips my mother’s. “Thank you for giving Liam life. Thank you for raising him to be the man he is. I’ll be eternally grateful to you for the joy he’s brought into my life.” Natalie looks over at me with tears streaming down her face. “He loves me more than I deserve. He loves my daughter and he’s given me more than he’ll ever understand.” She turns back, and I wipe my eyes. “I can only hope to raise my children to be like the man you’ve raised. He really is the best man I’ve ever known, and I attribute that to you, so thank you.”
She leans down and kisses my mother’s cheek. A woman she’s only met once. Then she whispers in her ear and squeezes her hand once more.
That’s my undoing.
I fall to my knees and they hit the cold tile. My head falls on the side of the bed and I grip my mother’s leg. “Haven’t we lost enough? Hasn’t my family suffered enough?” I mutter aloud.
We grew up with strict Irish-Catholic parents. Mom stayed home, but I think she worked harder than my father. He got to go to work and come home after Mom had the entire house cleaned and food on the table. Dad is a lawyer and worked his ass off to put me and Krissy in private school. He showed me that hard work was for the family, and when you want something, you don’t slack off. You push harder and make your own destiny. So why can’t I work to make her better?
“Talk to her, Liam,” Natalie encourages while I keep my head bowed. I can’t let her see me like this. “Tell her what you want to let her know. She loves you.” Her soft voice calms me and I try to hold it, but it’s all too fucking much. Everything crashes around me and I remember my sister. I remember her telling me the same thing. She would always tell me that Mom loved me, so I could tell her the truth.
“I’m so sorry, Mom! I’m so fucking sorry! I haven’t seen you in a long time and I didn’t say goodbye to you.” I break apart as Natalie’s hand rubs my back. “I lied to you and I didn’t tell you all the things that you should’ve heard. I didn’t tell you about how much I wished it were me and not Krissy. I didn’t tell you about how much you mean to me. I should’ve always told you the truth. Like how I really did put gum in Krissy’s hair on Easter. Or how I broke your rules about sneaking girls in the house. I took your car that day and then told you it was Krissy. I’m sorry I lied! I failed you.”
“Shhh.” Natalie runs her fingers through my hair as I sob, crying at my mother’s bedside. “It’s okay, trust me, she’s not upset or mad. She loves you, Liam. And she knew it was you, you didn’t lie. She knows.”
I pull back and look at her as we both cry for the pain that surrounds us. There’s been so much we’ve dealt with, but I need Natalie by my side. I only wish my mom could’ve seen how special she is. That she could’ve held our children and they would know her love. She would’ve doted on them, baked cookies, spoiled them until they never wanted to come home to us. She would’ve been the best grandmother our children ever knew.
“Mom, I want you to meet Lee officially. I told you how I felt a few months ago and you said to follow my heart. She’s my heart.” I look at Natalie with her glossy eyes and then I stand. I walk and pull a chair over and point to it.
She shakes her head and sits.
“Anyway, I wanted you to be the first to know we’re having a baby.” Natalie grips my hand. God, I love this woman. “We’re going to have a kid, and I’m going to marry her. She doesn’t know that yet, but I am. I’m going to love her and be the man you told me to be. I’ll give her the world because she deserves it. I’ll make you proud.”
I hear Natalie sniff and she lets her tears fall. I get down on one knee in front of her. I didn’t plan this, I don’t have a ring, but I have my heart and she already owns it.
“Natalie Gilcher, I love you more than anyone could love another. My world only makes sense since you’ve come into it. I want to marry you, love you, adore you, give you children and anything else you want. I’ll provide for you and never take you for granted. I know what life is like without you, and I only want to live in a world with you by my side. When I’m gone, my heart will remain with you. Will you allow me the honor to love you from now until the end of time?”
My heart rate is through the roof and the tears won’t stop long enough to see him clearly. I never in a million years expected him to propose now. I mean, we haven’t been together that long, and while I know that he’s the one for me in every way, I can’t think.
“Liam,” I say and he wipes the tears from my eyes. “Are you sure?”
I don’t want him to do this out of some sense of obligation because we’re having a baby. There’s not a doubt that I love him and want to be his wife, but I know in grief you can do things impulsively. I want to marry him when he’s sure that this is what he’s ready for.
“I’ve never been more sure of anything. I love you, Natalie. I love you more than I can ever tell you. I want to hold you, wipe your tears, kiss you, console you, watch you smile, make love to you every day and every night. I know I don’t have a ring—”
“Yes,” I say before he can say another word. “Yes, I want to be your wife. I don’t need a ring . . . I just need
you.”
Liam stands and takes me into his arms. He kisses me with tears spilling between the two of us. He holds my face and looks at his mother who rests peacefully. “She said yes, Mom.”
Liam’s dad enters a few seconds later and walks to the end of the bed. “Dad, I’d like to tell you that Natalie and I are getting married and she’s having our baby. I told Mom as well.”
His father smiles and his lip quivers. He looks at his wife and my chest aches. You can see how badly he wants to share this moment. I extract myself from Liam’s arms and walk to his father. He opens his arms and I embrace him.
“I’m so happy, but so sad at the same time,” he murmurs. “She would’ve loved you.”
I nod understanding exactly what he means. When I held Aarabelle for the first time when we thought Aaron was dead, I wasn’t sure if smiling was okay. I remember feeling the utter despair of being without him in that moment but also elation that she was here. His happiness is clouded by his agony. The thing about grief is it comes in many forms and there’s no right or wrong way.
“I’m sure I would’ve loved her as well. But her memory will be cherished. I promise our child will know the woman she was and how much she would’ve loved them.” I vow this and I will live up to that. She was clearly loved and a wonderful woman.
We spend the next few hours in Shannon’s room talking to her and telling her stories about Liam and Aarabelle. Aidan smiles and laughs when I tell him about Liam’s diaper issues. He tells me stories about Liam as a kid and how he was always into some kind of trouble.
“The worst was when he got into sticking things up his nose,” he chuckles and Liam groans.
“Really?”
“Oh, yeah . . . anything he could find. Shannon always wondered when he sneezed what might come out. He was always talking my Kristine into doing something too. She would get stuck and Liam would pretend he knew nothing.” Aidan gets lost in his memories. “I remember one time coming home from work and Shannon was baking a cake for a neighbor. She loved to do things for the other women on the block. She was always helping someone and bringing them food . . . anyway, she was busy, and Liam and Kristine were supposed to stay in the yard. Liam told Krissy that Shannon said it was okay for her to go to their friend’s house. I came home and asked her where Kristine was and she panicked. Liam of course claimed Krissy said she didn’t care that she wasn’t allowed to go . . .”
Conviction (Consolation Duet #2) Page 18