by Jeff Kinney
wearing Bampy’s armor, he was still
kind of scared to leave his village all by
himself.
So Roland went to see if his friend Garg
the Barbarian wanted to come WITH him.
24
Roland met Garg when they were both little
kids and ever since then they have been
Since Garg was a barbarian he was
always using his muscles to smash things.
And that’s why Roland’s parents didn’t let
Garg come to their house for sleepovers.
25
Garg’s parents didn’t make him read
books or play the flute so mostly Garg
just worked out in his garage. And
sometimes Roland worked out WITH him.
Since Garg didn’t read a lot of books he
didn’t know that many words. But Roland
always understood him anyway.
26
Roland told Garg that the White Warlock
kidnapped his mom and that he needed
some help RESCUING her. And Garg didn’t
even ask his parents for permission to go
because they never really cared what he
did anyway.
But before Roland and Garg could leave
for their trip they needed to go to the
village shop and get some SUPPLIES.
Roland used his allowance to buy a bunch
of food and torches and camping stuff.
Then Garg picked out some things HE
wanted to bring on the trip.
27
Roland asked Garg to chip in but as usual
Garg didn’t have any money.
The guy at the shop said Garg was going
to need some armor if they were going on
a dangerous journey but Roland explained
that Garg doesn’t wear a lot of clothes
because he likes to show off his muscles.
Roland used his last gold coins to pay for
a map of the world outside the village.
And even though Roland was nervous
about leaving the village that he’d lived in
his whole life he was pretty excited too.
30
As soon as I was done with Chapter Two
I brought it to Greg's house so he could
read it. I was a little worried that he
wasn't gonna like Roland's best friend but
he thought Garg was GREAT.
Greg said Garg would make an awesome
action figure who could say different
phrases when you pressed down on his head.
31
I said maybe Roland could be an action
figure TOO but Greg said no one would
buy a Roland toy because he's just a
regular kid and he doesn't really do a lot.
Then I said maybe Roland could be a
young WIZARD who has a wand and casts
spells. But Greg said I needed to come up
with something BETTER because no one
would read a book about a boy wizard.
32
Greg said Roland needed to be TOUGH
like Garg. He said boys would like Garg
but girls would be in LOVE with him
and they'd put Garg posters in their
bedrooms.
Then Greg said when they make the
MOVIE they'll have to bring in bodybuilders
to try out for the part of Garg.
33
I said maybe girls would put posters of
ROLAND up in their bedrooms too. And
Greg said yeah maybe after Roland hits
puberty and gets braces.
Greg told me once I finish this book I
should write a PREQUEL where Garg is a
BABY. And that way we could sell dolls and
make millions of dollars.
34
But what Greg was MOST excited
about was the MAP. He said it was great
that there were a ton of different
environments because that meant we
could get kids to buy the same action
figures a bunch of times.
35
And Greg said we could sell all sorts of
playsets for the action figures because
that's where the REAL money is.
He said his only problem with the map
is that it doesn't make a whole lot of
SENSE. He said I can't have a desert right
next to a place that's snowy because
that's not the way things work in real life.
Plus he said there were some things I
was gonna have to fix like the river that
went in a CIRCLE since that's not even
physically possible.
36
But I said it was a LAZY river and
it's MAGIC. And I told him my story is
FANTASY so it doesn't HAVE to make
sense anyway.
Greg said if this is supposed to be
fantasy then I can't have REAL places
on the map like the North Pole.
But I told him I put the North Pole on
there because I'm hoping Roland and Garg
might get to visit Santa Claus at his
workshop.
37
Greg said if I put Santa Claus in the
story he was gonna QUIT.
Then Greg told me he didn't really CARE
what was on the map as long as the
next chapter's not just about Garg and
Roland SHOPPING. And I told Greg not
to worry because now the adventure is
about to start for REAL.
But hopefully Roland and Garg get to
meet Santa somewhere on their journey
because that would be pretty cool.
CHAPTER 3
39
Roland and Garg left their village behind
and started out on their adventure.
On the first day they walked for miles and
miles. Garg’s feet were as tough as leather
so all that walking didn’t bother him.
But Roland’s feet were soft and tender
from spending most of his time indoors
and he got a blister on his heel after a
few hours and needed Garg to carry him.
That night Garg and Roland pitched their
tents and sat by the campfire.
40
Whenever Roland got a blister or a
splinter back home his mom always made
him feel better. And thinking about his
mom made Roland very sad.
The next morning Roland and Garg came
to a village that was just like theirs.
But the road was blocked by boulders
because there was an avalanche the night
before. Roland offered to help clear the
road and the villagers said “Sure.”
41
So Garg and Roland spent the rest of the
day moving heavy rocks which wasn’t as
easy as Roland thought it would be.
That night the villagers gave Roland and
Garg a hot meal and soft beds to sleep
in. And in the morning Roland and Garg
packed up their things so they could get
back on the road.
But the villagers told Roland and Garg
there was something ELSE they needed
help with before they headed out.
42
The villagers said the stables were a total
mess because nobody had cleaned them in
YEARS.
So they asked Roland and Garg if they
could tidy the place up a little bit. And
that was hard work too.
> It took a lot longer than Roland expected
and by the time they were done it was
nighttime again. And Roland and Garg
slept very well that night because all the
cleaning had totally wiped them out.
43
But by the morning the villagers had a
whole LIST of things for them to do. And
since Roland liked to be helpful him and
Garg stuck around for another day.
Sometimes the villagers asked Roland
and Garg to do stuff that Roland thought
the villagers should’ve been able to do
THEMSELVES.
44
But whenever Roland mentioned that to
the villagers they always said the same
thing.
And even after Roland TAUGHT them
how to do something they STILL didn’t
get it. But if you’re thinking “Gosh
those villagers were pretty dumb” well
remember this is back before schools were
invented so there were a LOT of things
people didn’t know.
Even though Roland really wanted to get
going he stayed and kept helping out in
the village because he knew that would
make his mom proud.
ef
45
This was my favorite chapter YET. I
told Greg that parents would probably
like reading this story to their KIDS
because Roland was such a good role
model for young people.
But Greg said kids would think Roland
was a SUCKER for doing all the villagers'
work FOR them.
I said Roland isn't a sucker he just likes
being HELPFUL. And Greg said if Roland
helps every person he meets on his
journey then this book is gonna be like a
thousand pages long.
I told Greg that Roland ALWAYS helps
people in need because that's how his
parents RAISED him.
And Greg said well if Superman helped
everyone who ASKED he'd never be able
to RELAX.
47
Greg said maybe Roland and Garg should
get off the main road for a while so
they don't run into any more villagers
who needed their help.
He said this book is supposed to be an
ADVENTURE but right now it's just two
guys doing a bunch of CHORES.
Then Greg said if this story's gonna be
any GOOD I was gonna have to put some
MONSTERS in it.
I said well I don't know about MONSTERS
but maybe there could be unicorns or
pixies or tree elves.
Greg said there's no such THING as tree
elves but I'm pretty sure there ARE
because one time me and my dad spotted
one during a backyard campout.
49
When I asked Greg how he's so SURE
there's no such thing as tree elves he
said the same thing he ALWAYS says to
win an argument.
Greg said if I'm gonna put PIXIES in the
story then there should be TROLLS too
because trolls EAT pixies.
I told Greg that was disgusting but he
said it's just the Circle of Life and I
needed to grow up.
CHAPTER 4
51
The villagers kept adding stuff to the list
of things they needed help with but after
a week Roland told them that him and
Garg really needed to get going so they
could save his mom.
And the villagers said OK but after you
guys rescue Roland’s mom maybe you can
all come BACK and then she can help out
TOO. So Roland promised he’d talk to his
mom about that after he saved her and he
said good-bye to his new friends.
Then Roland and Garg left the village
and took a shortcut through the Tangled
Forest.
52
Roland was nervous about leaving the
main road behind and going into the
wilderness. The trees in the Tangled
Forest were scary and it was super
spooky in the dark woods.
And Roland knew there was probably
no such thing as tree elves but he kept
checking for them anyway.
The farther Roland and Garg went into
the woods the scarier it got. But before
long they came to a clearing and were in a
beautiful enchanted pixie village.
53
The pixies welcomed Garg and Roland to
their village and brought them bowls of
wild mushroom soup. And even though
Roland didn’t really like mushrooms he
ate most of his soup anyway because he
didn’t want to be rude.
54
Roland told the pixies their village was
beautiful and they said yeah that’s
because we live in harmony with nature
and we don’t have garbage piled up
everywhere like those filthy trolls.
And when Roland said it wasn’t NICE to
call someone filthy the pixies said yeah
well wait till you MEET them.
The pixies asked Roland and Garg what
they were doing in the forest and Roland
said they were taking a shortcut to rescue
his mom from the White Warlock.
55
So the pixies told Roland they were sorry
to hear about his mom but if him and Garg
were going to defeat the White Warlock
they’d need WEAPONS.