by Abby Brooks
I told myself those things would unfold in their own time, but a nagging voice whispered to me in the quiet moments. How could we build a relationship that meant anything if we never got past the surface? It was one thing to love each other, but love wasn’t enough to keep a marriage going when things got hard.
And inevitably, things would get hard.
Tonight, Jess was managing the bar, so I had my husband to myself. I intended to coax him into opening up with me. Into sharing more of what made him tick. I wanted all of him, the deep stuff, the hard stuff, the real stuff. It drove me crazy that I didn’t know anything about why his mother left his father and the time had come to fix that. When I got home from Sweet Stuff, I found Jude in the kitchen, sipping whiskey as he prepped dinner.
“There’s my beautiful girl,” he said as I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. “How was your day?” He bent down to put his ear against my belly. “What was that, Little One? You had a marvelous day but wish Mommy would eat more chocolate? I’ll see what I can do.” He dropped me a wink as he straightened.
“Our day was busy,” I replied with a smile.” People are stocking up for Valentine’s, which means candy is in demand.” I plucked a carrot off the cutting board and popped it into my mouth. “This looks good.”
“It’s gonna be better than good. This is beef stew a la Mama Malone. She used to make it all the time when I was a kid and I would look forward to it all damn day.”
And there it was, the perfect inroad to bring up his past.
“I can’t wait,” I said as I leaned on the counter. “You know, I’ve been so curious, how much time did you spend with your dad? Did he cook like this?”
Jude’s knife paused and his jaw pulsed. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t the perfect segue. “I spent enough time with him to know Mom was right to leave,” he said with a curt shrug.
“I remembered you weren’t born yet when they broke up, but I wasn’t sure if he ever came around.”
“He’d show up for the odd birthday or a random Tuesday. Mom hated it, but she let me go. Probably thought it was better for me to see who he was for myself.”
“Why did she leave him?”
Jude swiped a hand across his mouth. “He wasn’t a good guy, Izzy. What else do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know. Why wasn’t he a good guy? I want to know you, Charming.” I gave him my best smile, hoping to smooth over the bumps in the conversation.
“You do know me.” He cleared his throat. “This sounds more like you want to know my dad.”
“We never talk about who we were. Who we want to be. I want to know all of you. The good, the bad…”
“The ugly?” Jude offered a crooked smile and I laughed lightly.
“I love you. I love you so much and I want this crazy relationship of ours to work. I worry that we won’t make it if we don’t open up. Like, how can I be the best partner for you if I don’t understand what made you who you are or where you want to go?”
“You’re perfect for me, Izzy. Knowing about my dad isn’t going to change that.”
“Jude…”
“I’m ashamed, okay? Ashamed that his genes are in here.” He put down his knife and thumped his chest. “He drank and he did drugs and he spent money he didn’t have on things he didn’t need. He was filled with rage and said and did awful things to people who loved him until there wasn’t anyone left. I’m ashamed that I might be even a little like him. I work damn hard to be my own person and I’m gonna work even harder to make sure Brennen does the same. And I refuse to let our child know what it feels like to live in the shadow of a parent who just absolutely sucked.”
Jude stalked over to the sink and clutched it with both hands, his shoulders slumped as he let out a long, slow breath.
I crossed the kitchen and put a hand on his back. “I’m sorry…”
“Don’t.” He shrugged out of my touch and I pulled away.
“Jude…” I wanted to help him, to hear him, to love away his pain.
He turned, his eyes swimming in emotion. “Please, Iz. I don’t want to talk about this. Can’t we just have some dinner and enjoy each other’s company?”
My stomach spun with worry, with questions, with concern. What did it mean that he couldn’t open up to me? But I’d pushed hard enough for one night. “I’ll drop it. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”
He cupped my cheek. “I really do love you, Iz. Please don’t doubt that.”
“I love you too,” I replied, surprised to find myself on the verge of tears.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Jude
Valentine’s Day arrived. I bought Izzy a bouquet of red lilies and a silver necklace with a compass pendant that reminded me of her wedding gift to me. Carrying them proudly, I stepped from the garage into the kitchen…and found Izzy sitting on the counter in a red lace negligee. Her hair was a sexy mess of waves. The sapphire earrings sparkled in her ears. Her lips were red and her eyes flashed with desire. Her fuller breasts and barely noticeable baby bump made her the sexiest creature I’d ever laid eyes on. As I moved toward her, she spread her legs, grinning like she knew exactly what she was doing to me.
“Fuck, Iz. You win Valentine’s Day,” I said, depositing my gifts beside her.
“I didn’t know you could win at Valentine’s.” She slipped off the counter and ran a finger down my cheek.
“Me either, but you did it.” I smacked her ass and chased her up the stairs. We tumbled into bed, her hair fanning out on the pillow as she grinned up at me.
She was beautiful.
She was everything.
After several attempts at proving I was just as good at Valentine’s Day as she was, Izzy and I curled up on the couch together. The lilies were in a vase on the coffee table and she played with the compass around her neck, while she stared dreamily off into space. Her feet were in my lap and a fire crackled in the fireplace.
I was content.
I was fucking happy.
Everything was working so much better than I could have expected.
“What made you want to open the bar?” she asked, her eyes on the fire. “I don’t remember you talking about that as something you wanted to do when we were kids.”
The question was simple, but her tone had my hackles up. It was the tone she used whenever she wanted to sound like she wasn’t digging for info.
I sucked in my lips and sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Can we not do this tonight?”
“Can we not do what tonight? I just asked a question.” She sounded almost hurt by my reaction and somehow, that annoyed me even more.
“You and I both know it’s not just a question. I’ll answer this one and you’ll ask another, and another, and suddenly it’s the biography of Jude Malone, all out in the open.” I waved my arm in front of me then dropped it with a sigh.
“Why does that bother you so much? Why do you care if I know who you are?”
“Because you do know who I am.” I raked my fingers through my hair then held out my hands. “This is me. This has always been me. Why is that suddenly not enough for you?”
“Are you hiding something from me? Is there some deep, dark secret you don’t want me to know?” She frowned as a log tumbled off the fire, sending a shower of sparks up the chimney. “Otherwise, I don’t understand what’s so hard about my questions.”
“Yes, Izzy. You nailed it. I murdered a man when I was seven and I’m afraid that after all these years, I’ll get sloppy and let it slip.” I put a sarcastic hand to my heart and dropped my jaw. “Oh no! There was the slip. It’s everything I was afraid of! Whatever will I do now that you know?”
Izzy pulled her feet out of my lap and sat up. “You don’t have to be a dick about it.”
She was right, of course. But damn, I was tired of feeling like I let her down because I didn’t want to talk about my dad. He wasn’t me and I wasn’t him and whoever he was before he died had no meaning in our life.
But if I
didn’t tell her something, she’d close up and get weird and a really great night would be ruined. Lately, that had been happening more than seemed healthy and I always felt like such an asshole afterwards.
Couldn’t we just have one night where things were nice and easy?
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “My dad, he really let me down, okay? Knowing he couldn’t take care of my mom, of me, I’m so disgusted by his…his weakness. He did nothing but spread ugliness in the world.” I sighed as I met her gaze. “And that’s why I opened the bar. Because most people come to a place like Cheers ‘n Beers to have a good time with friends and I wanted to put goodness into the world to counteract his shit.”
I’d never said the words aloud before and for whatever reason, they made me feel so damn dirty. I scrubbed my face then turned to Izzy. “Is that what you want to hear? That I’m afraid letting people down is my legacy?”
She nodded, her honey eyes holding mine captive. “That’s the you I want to know.”
The admission set my teeth on edge. Why did she want to know some broken version of me and not who I really was?
I pressed a kiss into her hair and settled back into the couch, feeling uneasy for the rest of the night.
Two weeks later, I went with Izzy to her OB/GYN appointment. The sun shone brightly and expectancy hung in the air, the first hints of spring that would tease and taunt us until the weather finally broke. We were quiet on the drive over, Izzy’s hand resting on the tiniest little baby bump as she watched the scenery slide by her window.
“Is everything okay?” she asked as we pulled into the parking lot.
“Yep. Great.” I put the truck in park and killed the engine. “Why?”
A light shrug.
A tentative smile.
She’d been so damn nervous around me lately, and I hated it.
“You’ve been quiet. That’s all.”
“Just tired, I guess,” I said as I pushed open the driver’s door. When we met in front of the truck, I took her hand. “You haven’t exactly been Miss Talkative yourself, you know.”
“Just trying to honor your needs.” Her furtive glance my way had tension building in my shoulders.
“I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean.”
“You’ve just been kind of withdrawn since Valentine’s Day, like your energy’s been off. And I don’t know what I did wrong, so I’m trying to give you space.”
I stopped just outside the door to the building and dropped her hand. “I told you what you wanted to hear, right? About my dad. I didn’t want to, but I did. And now that’s not enough for you?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Then what are you saying? Because what I’m hearing is that I can’t seem to get it right.”
Izzy sighed sadly. “I’m sorry, Jude. I didn’t mean anything by it. I just…you matter to me.”
“And you matter to me.” I dropped my gaze to my feet. “If I’ve been off lately, I’ll…” I shrugged. “I’ll try to do better, okay?”
This was the kind of complicated relationship bullshit I couldn’t stand. I loved her so damn much. Why couldn’t she love me back the way I was? Why was she poking and prodding, looking for some stupid wound left over from my childhood? I had Mom and Tim and they made up for whatever mark my father might have left. We checked in at reception and sat awkwardly in the waiting room, then painted on overly bright smiles to cover the tension once we were in the room with the doctor.
“We’re gonna do an ultrasound today,” said Dr. Windsor. “There’s a good chance we’ll be able to see the baby’s sex, if you’re interested.”
“We talked about it last night and definitely want to know,” Izzy replied, glancing my way. “Hit us with the truth, Doc. Is there a Frederick or a Matilda in there?”
I barked a laugh while the doctor pretended to be cool with the outdated names. She squirted gel on Izzy’s tummy, then readied the machine. When the image came up, my heart stuttered. There was a beautiful baby on the screen. My baby. A perfect head. Perfect feet. Little hands balled into fists.
My eyes burned and my throat thickened.
Dr. Windsor smiled. “Mr. and Mrs. Malone, let me introduce you to little Matilda.”
“It’s a girl?” I stood and took Izzy’s hand, pressing it to my lips as a tear escaped down my cheek. I stared at the screen as if my daughter could feel me looking at her and know I was here, right here, and would always keep her safe.
“It’s a girl,” repeated the doctor with a gentle nod.
Lily.
Our little Lily.
I adored her already.
CHAPTER THIRTY
Izzy
“Everything just feels so complicated.” I sat back in a plush chair at Brewhaha and sipped my herbal tea. “You know what? I don’t even like tea. All I want is some damn caffeine.” I put the cardboard cup on the end table beside me with a dramatic sigh.
Amelia patted my knee. “Sometimes our paths twist and turn, but they always lead us where we need to go.”
Part of me wanted to tell her exactly where she could put her stupid fortune cookie bullshit, but I knew she was just trying to help. And I loved her for it, even if that side of her personality made me feel a little extra stabby lately. Nothing about my life felt like I was on the right path. Everywhere I turned, I ran headfirst into a wall and I was so damn ready to find a door.
“But we’re here for you,” she continued, gesturing toward Evie. “We’re here to talk you through the twisty turny parts. Or to just listen, if that’s what you need.”
“We really are.” Evie leaned forward. “Relationships aren’t easy under the best circumstances and you and Jude jumped into this one, just head first, you know? It’s totally normal for things to be feeling a little bumpy.”
Bumpy didn’t begin to describe it. I was constantly worried about his mood, about saying the wrong thing. All day long, I fought the urge to ask him if things were okay because, intellectually, I knew giving into the anxiety would only make things worse.
Staring out the windows at a sunny day, I shook my head. “I’m really starting to worry we made a mistake by getting married. It was one thing when the plan was to sleep in separate rooms and not get emotionally involved, but we failed pretty miserably at that.” I glanced at my friends and smiled sheepishly. “He’s been so withdrawn lately and it’s killing me. Everything was fine, like dreamy, wonderful, how-am-I-so-lucky fine. Right up until Valentine’s Day, then it all fell off the rails.”
Evie quirked her head. “Maybe there’s been a lot of pressure at the bar. That whole thing between Jeremiah Hinkle and Matthew Mayweather was pretty awful.”
“But that’s all taken care of. Jess is healed up, the broken tables and chairs replaced. Both Jeremiah and Matthew came in to apologize and help fix things up.” I swiped my stupid herbal tea off the table and crossed my legs. “I got Jude to open up a little about his past. It was like pulling teeth, but I kept pushing and finally he gave. It was only a tiny little glimpse into his inner workings and I was so relieved that he trusted me enough to share. It really felt like we were getting somewhere and then boom. Nothing’s been the same since.”
Evie glanced at Amelia, frowning. “Is it possible you pushed too hard?”
“I was super careful to go slowly about it. I spaced my questions out over days. Weeks. If that’s pushing too hard then there’s something fundamentally broken about our relationship.”
Like the fact that we built it completely upside down and backwards. We didn’t date, then fall in love, then get married, then start a family. Oh no. He needed a wife, I got pregnant, and here we were.
The front door pushed open and a herd of teenage girls stepped in, laughing and joking and getting excited about their orders. The unfiltered happiness on their faces hit me hard. Before this whole debacle with Jude started, I used to feel that way. I loved my job. My house. I was comfortable with who I was and prided myself on being a
strong, independent woman.
Now, I just felt weak.
And worried.
I took a long swallow of tea, then turned my focus back to my friends. “There’s this part of me that keeps worrying that if Jude really loves me, I shouldn’t have to push for info or be careful about how I do it. He should want to open up to me.”
“Iz…” Evie sighed. “You know I love you, so I say this with all the respect in the world, but pushing a private person to open up doesn’t always feel like love to them. And you know I’m speaking from experience. Being forced or guilt-tripped into vulnerability doesn’t feel great.”
“I wasn’t forcing him and definitely didn’t guilt trip him.”
Or did I?
I certainly backed off when he gave me clear indications to drop the topic.
But, I always brought it right back up again later.
Shit. Why was this so hard?
The changes between us were small. So small I thought I was imagining them at first. His smile came slower. He fell silent more frequently. I’d catch him staring at me, and instead of light and humor dancing through his eyes, all I saw was tension.
“I just want to feel like I matter to him.” I shook my head as I sat back in my chair. “No, that’s not right. For this perfect sliver of time, I felt like I did matter to him. Like I was the most important person in his world and it was like getting my happiest dreams handed to me on a silver platter. I feel like I’m losing that. And I don’t want to.” My throat tightened and I swallowed a drink of tea to chase away the tears. “I’m afraid he got carried away with everything and doesn’t really love me, or that it’s, you know, conditional. That he’s with me because of the baby. Because of Brennen. Not because of me…”
Evie shook her head. “You can’t fake the way Jude looks at you. That man loves you. There’s no doubt about it.”
Huffing a laugh, I stared at my hands. “That’s all I feel lately. Doubt. Some nights I don’t even know if I should sleep in his room or mine.” I swiped away tears as the herd of girls picked up their orders and filtered out the door. “And how stupid is it that my husband and I have separate rooms in the first place? That’s not how marriage is supposed to work.”