by Abby Brooks
“Hello?”
“Where the hell is my sister?”
Seemed to be the question of the day.
“She’s here.” My gaze traced her steps out of the kitchen. “In her room.”
Because it’s the only way either of us can breathe. The thought clenched my jaw. We couldn’t keep going like this. We needed to talk about whatever the hell was going on because I just got her. I couldn’t lose her. Not like this.
“I’ve been trying to call her for hours,” Alex said. “First, I show up at the store and she’s already gone, then mom says Greta Macmillan saw her going into the doctor’s office at two, which is when Iz told me to show up.”
My stomach dropped. “The doctor’s office?”
“If she’s pissed at me for being late,” Alex continued, “that’s on her because I showed up exactly when she told me. Could you tell her to just answer her phone already?”
“I don’t think she’s pissed at you, Alex. She forgot her phone on the counter when she left for work.”
What the hell was she doing at the doctor’s office? Our next appointment wasn’t for almost a month. I stared after her again, uneasy.
“Hey.” The frustration in Alex’s voice faded. “What are you doing home anyway? Shouldn’t you be at work?”
“I’m…uh…not feeling great. Jess said she’d handle things for me. Look, man, I gotta go.”
“Gotcha. Feel better and tell Iz she’s not allowed to hold a grudge on this!”
My shoulders tightened as I ended the call, taking the stairs two at a time and almost breaking my nose as I tried to push through her locked door. “Izzy!” I knocked once. Twice. “Come on, babe, Let me in.”
“Go away.” Her voice was muffled, thickened with tears.
“Please open the door. Alex called…you were at the doctor? Are you okay? Is…is Lily okay?” My voice cracked and I leaned my forehead against the wall.
Her footsteps softly padded my way. The doorknob rattled, then the door swung open. Izzy turned away, heading back to perch on the bed. I raced into the room, drawing up short when she wouldn’t look at me. “Please talk to me. What happened today?”
“The baby’s okay.” Her face was puffy from crying. She looked gray and colorless and so damn tired.
I crouched in front of her, craning my neck to meet her eyes. “Are you okay?”
She just sat there, staring over my head before she blinked and met my gaze. “I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine.”
“Well, it’s not been a great day,” she replied with a harsh laugh.
“What happened?”
My heart clenched as she explained going to the bathroom and finding blood in her underwear. “I’ve been so tired lately,” she continued, “and today was worse than usual. I sat there on the toilet, afraid it was a sign something was really wrong. A sign I’d ignored and let the something wrong get worse and worse. When I called the doctor and they wanted to see me immediately, I didn’t even think about Brennen. Or Alex.”
“Or me?” Did I not even warrant a phone call? The thought sunk an ice pick in my chest.
Her eyes blinked my way. “I didn’t want to worry you until there was something to worry about.”
“I see.”
“I don’t think you do. This whole thing is killing me, Jude. First, you spent a decade never seeing me. Then you suddenly love me. Now, it’s like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around you. I keep saying the wrong thing and asking the wrong questions. I don’t know what’s right anymore. I was so scared and had ten minutes to make it to the appointment. I didn’t have my phone to call you, so I just went.” She shook her head and swallowed hard, the hurt in her eyes seething between us. “Did you really believe I stood Brennen up on purpose? Is that really how you see me?”
I stood, paced to the door and then back again. “I was in a panic, Iz. Had no idea where you were. I was just about to start calling hospitals when you walked in and I lashed out because I just…it’s been a lot lately. I’m sorry I said those things.” I sat on the bed beside her. “I love you. I know you aren’t that kind of person. I do.”
The inch of space between us could hold an ocean. Each second of silence contained an infinity.
“I love you too,” she finally responded. A solitary tear trailed down her cheek. “I just wish this wasn’t so complicated.”
“Me too, Iz. Me too.” I held out an arm and she curled in, her head in my lap. Her body shook. Her breath hitched. “It’s okay, baby. It’s going to be okay.”
I ran my hand through her hair, wondering who I was trying to convince.
Her?
Or me.
Izzy
Jude held me while I cried. Time didn’t have meaning and when my tears dried up, the sun had set and the room was dark, even though I felt like only minutes had passed. We ate even though I wasn’t hungry, then curled back into bed.
He held me close, his breath rustling in my hair as he succumbed to sleep.
I lay awake in the dark, exhausted. Numb. Confused.
This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.
Newlyweds at the start of their life together, expecting a baby.
This couldn’t be what marriage felt like.
Not a good one, anyway.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Jude
I slowed as I made the turn into our driveway, a bouquet of lilies bouncing against the bag of Mike’s burgers on the passenger seat. It had felt wrong, being at work, separated from Izzy after everything that happened yesterday. She’d seemed so broken. So sad. So alone.
And I’d been such a fucking asshole.
I asked Jess to cover for me again, stopped for dinner and made my way home because damn it, Izzy and I needed an evening of laughing and joking, an evening of remembering how much we loved each other. I needed to apologize and show her how much she meant to me.
After parking in front of the closed garage door because I fully intended on taking Izzy out for a night on the town, I pushed through the front door, my arms full of flowers and fast food.
“Honey! I’m home!”
The house was oddly silent. She was probably asleep, but things felt empty. Wrong.
I crept up the stairs, unease tightening my shoulders when I saw both bedroom doors open.
“Izzy?” I peeked into mine—ours—and found the bed perfectly made, then crossed the hall to check the guestroom even though I knew what I’d find. She wasn’t here.
Her bed was also made, but her comforter had been replaced with the one I’d put on the bed before she moved in. On her pillow was a note…
I lowered the bouquet of flowers, the blooms drooping toward the floor.
Crossed the room.
Blinked at the envelope, already sure of what it said. Maybe, if I stood still a little longer, I could hold off on the truth of it all. It wasn’t real until I read the words. If I stood here all night, everything still had a chance of being okay.
Finally, I put the flowers on the bed and sat beside them, picking up the note like I thought it might be poisonous. My name scrawled across the front and somehow that seemed absurd. Who else could this be for? Why else would it be here? Why bother to read it when I already knew what it said?
But still, I opened the damn thing and pulled out a folded piece of paper.
Jude—
I feel like such a coward for doing it like this. I’ve always considered myself strong but I never have been when it comes to you. I loved you for most of my life, without even a hint of encouragement on your part. A stronger person would have moved on. She would have given her heart to someone else and been happy.
But I couldn’t.
I wasn’t strong enough to take myself back from you.
I wasn’t strong enough to walk away at the reception even though I knew, I knew, you’d end up breaking my heart. You always have. When we were kids, you chose Alex. And now, I don’t know, you say you love me, but thi
ngs have been so awkward, it feels like you’re choosing Brennen and Lily—not me. And maybe it makes me selfish or weak or stupid or any number of shitty things, but I can’t be here and feel like I don’t matter as much as the other people in our lives. I feel like I’m breaking, like I’m less, and I don’t think that’s the way love is supposed to be. I think, when someone loves you, it’s supposed to make you feel more.
I’m sorry I pushed you to talk about your past, but I think I was trying to find a sense of reassurance. Like even though we did this all kinds of backwards, that we were gonna be okay. And I’m sorry I have to leave, but I just need some space. To think. To remember who I am and why I like myself. I’m still your wife in the eyes of the court. And I’ll still show up and play my part at the custody hearing for Brennen. And we’ll work something out for Lily, maybe joint custody or something. I just can’t do this anymore. The worst part? Even now, I can’t stop loving you. I hate how weak you make me feel.
--Izzy
I stared at the note for a long ass time, trying to digest what happened, but it spun in my gut like rot. I couldn’t digest this. I wouldn’t. I balled up the note, hurling it into the trashcan as I strode down the stairs, out the front door and into the darkening evening, where I got into my truck and drove to Izzy’s.
Light warmed her windows and my jaw pulsed. This was wrong. This was so wrong. This wasn’t her house anymore because we were supposed to live together. I pulled into her driveway. Stalked past her white picket fence, my feet striking the walk like a primal roar. Took the steps two at a time and rang the bell. Shoved my hands in my pockets, then rang it again. Pounding a fist into the door because damn it, I wasn’t made of patience.
“Come on, Izzy!” I swiped a hand over my mouth. “I know you’re in there.”
Silence.
I yanked my phone out of my pocket and called her.
Voicemail.
I ended the call because I needed to touch her when I begged her not to leave.
“Please, Snow,” I whispered, shifting my weight as I stared at the door. “Please let me in.”
Minutes passed. The light in the living room flipped off, leaving me standing in the dark on her porch.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Izzy
I leaned my forehead against the door, listening as Jude walked away. The thump of his truck door slamming shut echoed through the night, followed by the roar of the engine and the crunch of his tires pulling out of the driveway. If I had any tears left, I’d have broken down again, but I must have spent them all as I moved my stuff out of his house and back into my own.
“I know that was hard, but it was right.” Alex spoke from behind me, his hand on my shoulder as if he could keep me from falling to pieces. “That’s what he deserved.”
“It doesn’t feel right.”
“Maybe not now, but it will.” My brother’s voice was gentle, though I could hear the rage simmering behind it. “I told him not to break your heart. I told him this whole great plan of his better not end up with you hurt.”
I hung my head, standing in my darkened living room with my brother, my heart wailing in protest because it belonged to the man who just drove away. I was halved. Less. Incomplete. I put a hand to my belly, covering little Lily Bear, then flipped on the light.
“It’s not entirely Jude’s fault,” I said as I turned around.
“Not his fault?” Alex set his jaw and I could tell we were in for another tirade. I’d called him from Sweet Stuff this morning to apologize for standing him up yesterday. When I explained what happened, he came into the store to keep me company and we’d spent the time between customers talking. I poured my heart out to my brother in one giant dump of information and emotion. My hopes. My fears. My hurts…they all came streaming out of me while he listened. As time passed, it became clear what I needed to do.
This thing with Jude was killing me.
I needed space. To think. To breathe. To remember who I was and what I wanted.
Alex had helped me bring my stuff home, ranting the whole time. We’d barely sat down in my living room when Jude showed up on my porch, pounding on the door, calling my name.
“Please don’t.” I held up my hand to stop Alex’s newest tirade. “This thing is as much my fault as it is his.”
His jaw dropped. “Oh, no. You will not take the blame for his mistakes. Jude has always been selfish when it comes to relationships and this is no different. There is no excuse for what he did yesterday. Jumping to the worst conclusion when you were going through something awful.”
“I did the same thing to him, the night of the bar fight. He was supposed to meet me at Overton’s and never showed and never texted—”
“But he had his phone.” Alex paced across my living room, then turned around, lifting a finger. “You didn’t.”
I closed my eyes and sighed. “Yesterday was awful, but I don’t blame Jude. Not completely. This whole relationship is just…it’s not built right.”
“Which is his fault.” Alex crossed the room and gripped my shoulders. “If he hadn’t been looking for shortcuts to get custody of his brother—”
“If you’d ever met the kid, you’d understand why Jude is willing to go so far to help him.”
“Why did the shortcut have to be you?”
“Who else could it be?” I stepped away, holding up my hands. “Who else did he know well enough to ask a favor that big?”
“It’s blowing my mind that you’re making excuses for him right now.”
“I’m an adult who willingly went into this relationship, knowing what it was.” I leaned against the wall near the door, wishing Jude was still on the other side. “I knew how I felt about him. I knew it would be impossible to keep my heart safe. I did it anyway. I can’t let him take all the blame. I just can’t.”
“Well, I can. I told him not to hurt you. I told him that you are more fragile than you seem and I told him if he was gonna do this, he needed to put you first or find another way.”
And for some reason, those words unlocked the tears I thought had dried up. I put my head in my hands and sobbed. “Oh, Alex…I really wanted this to work.”
My brother wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me close, rubbing a hand over my back. “I know, Iz. I wanted it to work for you. And I swear, if I see that asshole, I’m gonna punch him in his stupid face.”
I shook my head, swiping the tears from my eyes. “Oddly enough, this whole overprotective brother thing is actually making me feel better.”
“Then I’m doing my job because that’s all I want. I hate to see you hurting.”
“I’ll be fine.” I raked my hair back from my face. “I really will. Thank you for sacrificing an entire day for me. I’m sure you’re ready to get home to your wife.” I bit my tongue so Alex wouldn’t see how much it hurt to say that word because all I wanted was to go home to my husband.
We said our goodbyes and he wrapped me in a hug so tight, he must’ve thought he could smash my broken heart back together again. As soon as the door closed behind him, I spun in a slow circle in my living room. That was my couch, with the throw pillows that fit so nicely in my lap. My coffee table. The curtains I’d been so hesitant to buy but loved the moment I hung them up. This was all my stuff, but somehow the place didn’t feel like home anymore. Slowly, sadly, I made my way upstairs and tucked myself into bed. My comforter, the one that had been on the bed at Jude’s house, still smelled like his cologne. I buried my face in it and breathed deeply.
When I’d written the note, I’d told myself I only needed a little space from him to get some perspective. Now that I had that space, this whole separation felt a lot more real. Like it was the best thing for both of us.
Reality with Jude couldn’t live up to the daydream I’d fostered for years. I’d come into this with unrealistic expectations of my Prince Charming sweeping me off my feet, seeing me for who I really was and building this perfect relationship out of nothing.
Thin air.
That’s all we had to support us.
I would have thought years of friendship would have been a strong foundation, but apparently even that was weaker than I thought. Jude and I were nothing more than a fantasy. A great idea…and we all knew how those turned out.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Jude
The last few days had sucked balls. I couldn’t sleep. I barely ate. Jess had a family emergency and couldn’t take any more shifts at the bar, plus I’d already leaned on her too hard as it was. So I dragged myself out of bed. Sat like a grumpy ass at Cheers ‘n Beers until closing time, then put myself back to bed. Rinse. Repeat.
Rinse.
Repeat.
About a week after Izzy left, Austin stopped in for a drink on his way home from work. “I think Alex is ready to kill you,” he said as I handed him his beer.
“Thanks. That really goes a long way to making me feel better.”
“I didn’t say it to make you feel better.” He shrugged.
“If you’re here to kick me while I’m down, then congratulations, you’re doing a fan-fucking-tastic job.”
Alex wouldn’t speak to me. Neither would Izzy. I’d lost a friend, a wife, and my child, and nothing would ever be the same again. How could it be when Alex and Izzy were friends with all my other friends? How could we hang out at Jack’s next Cooper-Q and not feel awkward? Would Alex invite me to his next party? Fuck, this was such a mess.
And that wasn’t even taking into consideration how much I missed my wife.
“I’m sorry things didn’t work out with you and Izzy. Truly.” Austin tipped back a drink. “I was really rooting for you guys.”
“Not more than me, friend. No one more than me.”
“What are you doing about it?”
“What am I supposed to do about it? I called her. I went to her house. She didn’t answer the door. She didn’t answer the call. What else is there? How do you talk to someone who doesn’t want to listen?”