by JM Stewart
Finally, her gaze landed on him, and she stopped. Tyler held his breath and waited.
“What are you doing here?” She darted a glance around, confusion written in the lines of her forehead. “I was expecting to meet your mother.”
“I know. And I’m sorry for the deception, but I wasn’t sure you’d come if you knew it was me.” He tucked his free hand in his pocket and readjusted the bag he held under his right arm. “I have something to share with you. I asked Mom to get you downtown, because I wanted to say it in a place that holds good memories for us.”
She folded her arms and looked off to her left. Despite the stiffness of her stance, something vulnerable hung on her. “It’s been a week, Tyler. You haven’t so much as called me. You could’ve let me know you were okay, you know.”
Guilt caged his chest. She was right. “I know. At first, I was just lost and overwhelmed. I didn’t trust myself with you. I could’ve really hurt you, Cass. I don’t think I could live with myself if I ever did.”
“And now?” She turned her head, hope infusing her searching gaze, filling him with the same emotion.
He pulled the bag out from under his arm, holding it up to show her. “Now I’m a bit better armed. I’ve started seeing a therapist and we’ve been going through ways he thinks could help me get a handle on this. I have so much I want to tell you, to show you. I just need five minutes.”
She stared for so long he was sure she’d turn him down, but she drew a breath, her shoulders slumping as she blew it out. “Okay.”
Joy exploded through him, expanding in his chest like the sun blooming inside of him. Feeling too much like a little kid hopped up on too much sugar and let loose in a toy store, he could barely contain himself. It was all he could do to simply stand there. He wanted to shout. To pick her up and twirl her around. Christ. He hadn’t expected her to say that.
“Thank you.” He gripped the shopping bag in trembling hands, swallowed down the icy fear rising over him, and stepped toward her. Now came the moment of truth. “But I need to ask you something first, and I need you to be honest with me.”
She stared for a moment, gaze reaching and searching, before finally nodding. “What?”
He took another step toward her, hovering over her now. The soft scent of her perfume blew in on a soft breeze, curling around his senses like a lure. It was the most vulnerable damn thing he’d ever asked her. “Do you still love me?”
Shock moved over her features. Her eyes widened. Her jaw dropped open. Tears slowly gathered in the corners of her eyes. “How could you even ask me that?”
The quiet disbelief and hurt that laced her tone cut into him like a knife with a jagged blade, but that she’d asked him had to be good.
“I just need to need to hear you say it. I walked out on you, Cassie, not knowing if I’d ever see you again. I didn’t trust myself. If I ever hurt you…” Fear rose over him like a suffocating shroud, but he swallowed it down. Forced himself to focus on the moment. On her. “My point is, I wouldn’t exactly blame you if you decided you were done with me. But I have to admit I’m kind of hoping you aren’t.”
Cassie, stubborn, willful woman that she was, squared her shoulders and hiked her chin a notch. “You know damn well I love you.”
For a moment, he couldn’t breathe, could only stand there and stare at the vision she made. Those words from her sweet mouth were like feeling the sun on his face for the first time after months of being kept in the dark. They illuminated the dark places inside of him.
“Thank you. I just needed to hear you say it.” He wanted to cup her face in his hands, plaster his mouth on hers, and kiss the hell out of her. As it was, he needed to take this slowly, one step at a time. So he glanced down at the bag in his hands, opened the top, and held it out to her. “I bought something. Mostly for me, but really, well, for us.”
She glanced at the bag but didn’t take it. “What is it?”
Hands shaking, Tyler reached inside and pulled out the small box, then slung the bag’s handles over his forearm. “It’s a heart rate monitor. Most people use it for training, but it has an alarm that goes off when you go above your target heart rate.”
She shook her head. “I’m not following you. What’s this have to do with us?”
He pulled the small, black plastic wristband out of the box and held it up to show her. It was a cross between a bracelet and a stopwatch. “I spoke to a therapist and more than a dozen ex-military who all have the same problems I do. PTSD with night terrors. A lot of them told me they use something like this to help them get through the night.”
She took the device and turned it over in her hands, darting a glance at him as she examined it. “And you think this could help us?”
“When my heart rate starts to go up, when the dreams start, the alarm will go off. I’m told if it doesn’t wake me up outright, it should, at least, shift the dreams and calm me down. A lot of the men I spoke with said it helped stop the nightmares and that they slept better. I’ll need time to test it out, though. Three nights. If it helps, have dinner with me. Your place, Friday night, six o’clock. I’ll cook. Or maybe we can order in. Hell. I don’t know. I wanted to tell you first.”
She opened her mouth, but he put his finger to her lips, halting the words before they left her mouth.
“I love you, Cassie. I scared the hell out of myself last week. I’ll admit it. But I’m not giving up. I have more I want to tell you, but this is the most important. I need to know this works before I’ll really be able to trust myself. What do you say, sweetheart? Three more days, then dinner on Friday?”
She closed her mouth, stared for so long he was sure she’d turn him down, then finally nodded. “Okay. Dinner on Friday.”
Unable to resist touching her any longer, he cupped her face in his palms and kissed her softly. “Thank you. For having faith in me. I won’t be late. I promise.”
* * *
Five minutes past six on Friday evening, the hope Cassie had built for three days sank into her toes. Standing in the center of her immaculate kitchen, staring at the Styrofoam containers on the counter, her heart thumped a dull, painful beat. It was only five minutes, but it had her mind spinning into awful places. Maybe the heart monitor hadn’t worked.
The last three days had driven her crazy. Too many hours spent lying in her bed, waiting, worrying. If this didn’t work…
The doorbell sounded through the condo, and Cassie jerked her gaze in the direction of the entry hallway; then she ran for the front door, flinging it open in abandon.
Tyler stood in the vestibule, thumbs casually hooked in his pockets, and for a moment, she soaked in the sight of him. He looked good. Not as tired. His eyes were bright, the smile he gave her soft. “Hey.”
What she wanted to do was to fling herself at him. This was a good sign. This was a damn good sign. That he’d come had to mean the heart monitor had worked. Didn’t it?
She fisted her hands but couldn’t contain the giddy hopefulness blossoming in her chest. “Does this mean what I think it does?”
He hitched a shoulder. “It worked. I slept better than I have in…well, three years.”
“Oh God.” Relief flooded her system, and she blew out a breath. Her knees wobbled, and she covered her mouth to contain the choked sob that threatened to escape. Overcome by more gratitude than she had it in her to express, the tears fell and his tall form blurred before her.
“Hey.” Voice soft, he pulled her hand away from her mouth, holding it in his as he stroked his thumb over her knuckles. “This is supposed to be good news, babe.”
“You were late. You’re never late. I thought…” She shook her head in helplessness, unable to finish the sentence. Her cheeks flamed. Only with Tyler was she this vulnerable, this exposed. She drew a shuddering breath, swiped at her eyes. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter. You’re here.”
“Sorry, baby. I had something I wanted to finish before I came over and it took a little longer than expected.
” He cupped her face in the warmth of his palms, stood for a moment, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs. “I have more to show you. Is that okay?”
When she nodded, he took her hand again and led her back to the bedroom. Once inside, he moved to stand behind her and settled his hands on her hips.
“First thing is that speaker system by your bed.” He held an arm out, pointing. “I’ve downloaded all kinds of ambience albums onto my phone, everything from ocean waves to the tropical rain forest to instrumental music. I find I like the sound of rain. It reminds me of home, I guess.
“I also recall you waking me one night flipping on the light, so that was another suggestion my therapist gave me. To put in track lighting, something aimed at the bed, that you can turn on with a remote.”
She nodded. “I’ll call someone tomorrow.”
He laughed softly. “Just like that?”
She peered over her shoulder at him, so he’d know she meant every word. “You’re here, Ty. That’s all that matters.”
He kissed her cheek, then drew a breath and went on.
“There’s more. The watch I showed you also has Bluetooth capabilities. You can download apps that will monitor your heart rate and announce it, sounding an alarm when you’ve reached your target. There are also fancier gadgets for the bed. There’s one intended for epilepsy patients that will sound an alarm when you begin to move too much. And”—he ducked his head, resting his cheek against hers, and lowered his voice—“I’ve also spoken to my therapist about us. He’s willing to see us both for a while, to teach us. I have an appointment next Thursday. It would mean a lot to me if you’d come with me.”
By the time he was done, she was trembling so much she didn’t know how her knees even held her up. She’d spent the last week thinking she’d lost him, that she was going to have to learn to live without him a second time. To find out he’d spent the time researching ways to not only help himself but them, too, was…overwhelming.
He wrapped his arms around her waist and drew her gently back into him. “Baby, say something.”
Tears welled in her eyes all over again and a thick lump formed in her throat. What could she say? She wasn’t sure she had the words. “You did all that…for me?”
“You’re my world and everything in it. I spent three years thinking I’d never see you again. Damned if I’m going to just roll over and die. So I started by finding someone to help me. I’m better prepared now, and I’m not giving up without a fight.”
Cassie turned in his arms and laid her trembling hands against his chest, needing the feel of him, his warmth and solidity, to ground her. It was her turn now. Over the last week, she’d done a lot of thinking, too. “I have something I want to tell you, too. Now might not be the right time, so don’t feel pressured into answering, okay? But I have to say the words, because I need you to know where I stand.”
He drew his shoulders back, as if preparing for bad news or a fight, and nodded. “All right.”
Cassie swallowed hard. She’d rehearsed what she wanted to say so many times she ought to be able to say the words in her sleep, but staring into those blue eyes, her throat closed. Her hands shook so bad she was glad she wasn’t holding anything, because she’d have dropped it. God, was this how it was for him years ago? Her heart clenched. He’d put his heart on the line, and she’d tossed it away, flung it back in his face like his words meant nothing. Like he’d meant nothing.
“I love you, Tyler. You are…” The words she’d spent hours practicing flitted from her grasp, blown away as if on a breeze, and Cassie closed her eyes, drew a deep breath and counted to ten.
It didn’t help. She couldn’t stop trembling, and the words were elusive bastards, deserting her when she needed them most.
With a sigh, she opened her eyes, ready to admit she was so nervous she couldn’t remember what she’d wanted to say, except her gaze landed on his. The anxiousness in his eyes grounded her. Tyler wasn’t just the love of her life. He was her home base. If she’d ever believed in the notion of soul mates, she was pretty sure he was it, because her life didn’t make sense without him.
Calmer, she took a step closer, until the only thing she could see were his eyes, and spoke from the heart. “You’re the reason I breathe, Ty. You’re the reason I wake up every day, glad to be alive. The reason I smile. For three years, I haven’t done any of that. So if it means we have to get two beds and sleep separate for a while, or I have to learn to sleep with the lights and the radio on, or even if I have to watch you go overseas again, I don’t care. As long as—”
“I’m not going.” Tyler shoved his free hand into his pocket, his shoulders bunching, and dropped his gaze to the floor, shifting his feet. “I’ve decided not to reenlist. I told my CO I’d give him any intel I have. The families of the soldiers who died deserve to have closure. But I don’t want anything to do with it. They gave me honorable medical discharge.”
She furrowed her brow. “Why?”
He shrugged but didn’t look up. “Because the thought of going over there again, seeing that place, makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t want to remember anymore. I just want my life back. They took everything from me, including three years I can’t get back. I’m not going to waste one more second on them.”
He finally looked up, his expression somber. His gaze settled on hers, intense and focused, like he waited for her reaction. The question was, what did he expect her to say? She was freaking thrilled. She wanted to jump on top of him and squeal. None of which she could or ought to do yet. She needed to take this slowly. For him.
She only knew his admission made what she’d planned to say next feel that much more important. So she drew a deep breath and continued.
“Well, I have to admit I’m glad to hear you say that, because the thought of losing you makes my chest hurt. Living without you isn’t a possibility for me. Not anymore.” God, here went nothing. She slid her hands around his rib cage and up his back, pressing closer. “Marry me, Tyler.”
Long moments passed in aching silence. Tyler stared at her, eyes once again wide and stunned. Cassie’s heart shot up into her throat. Would he turn her down?
His façade cracked, though, a slow grin curling across his mouth, and his eyes filled with amusement, with heat and tenderness. “Well, look at you. We have really have come full circle, huh? You know, princess”—he tugged her the tiniest bit closer and leaned down, his mouth hovering over hers, breath warm against her face—“that’s supposed to be my line.”
Her relief was so encompassing, so overwhelming, she wanted to weep. “I just wanted you to know. I want you. All of you. Forever. I want to wake up and find you in my kitchen every morning, and I want a whole army of rug rats with your gorgeous blue eyes. I want it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly. But I learned one thing over the last three years.”
He dropped his gaze, his warm hands sliding over her back. “What’s that?”
She smiled, his face blurring as her eyes misted. “I don’t do so well without you.”
He flashed a tender smile, amusement illuminating his eyes. “That makes two of us.”
She lifted a brow. “Is that a yes?”
He let out a quiet laugh and brushed a soft kiss across her mouth. “That’s a yes.”
The tears she’d barely held in check escaped, washing down her cheeks. She dropped her forehead to his chest, shaking with the profound relief flooding her system.
Tyler crushed her to him and bent his head, burying his face in her neck. His breath was warm on her skin, his voice a husky murmur. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” She murmured the words into his chest but couldn’t bring herself to let him go enough even to look up at him. “Don’t ever let go, Ty. Don’t ever let go.”
His lips brushed her neck, warm and soft. “Never again, baby. I promise.”
Time passed in eons as they held each other, both of them shaking. Part of her still feared she’d open her eyes and he’d go poof, eva
porate on the morning light. Like a dream. Tyler moved first, straightening and pulling back enough to meet her gaze.
“By the way…” He stuffed his hand into his right front pocket and came out with the ring, holding it between them. “I believe this belongs to you.”
Cassie stared at the ring for a moment before looking up at him. “Are you sure?”
“Don’t need it anymore. I have you.” He flashed a soft smile and winked before turning his gaze to the ring. Frown lines formed around his mouth. “It’s been sitting in my pocket for three years. I often slept with it clutched in my fist. So it’s kind of a mess. It needs to be polished, but I’d like you to wear it…if you want.”
The ring looked a bit like Tyler, a little rough around the edges, like it had been through hell and back. The gold band was now covered in hairline scratches that dulled the once brilliant gleam, and the small diamond had lost its luster.
“I want.” Cassie smiled, her fingers trembling as she held out her left hand. “I don’t want it polished, though. I like it exactly the way it is. Gives it character. It’ll serve as a reminder of what we went through to get here. What you went through. I won’t take you for granted ever again.”
He slid it onto her finger, bent his head to kiss her hand, and closed his fingers around hers. “I have more good news. I got a job.”
Cassie gasped and laid a hand on his chest, peering up at him. “Ty, that’s wonderful. Where?”
“A bike repair shop over in Renton. I got a call from a couple of guys I served with. We got to talking while I was there. Jay called me a few hours ago. He said the background check came back great and I passed the drug test. I start Monday.”
Cassie stared at him for a moment. He looked healthier than he had since he’d come home. He’d gained back some of the weight he’d lost and his skin had regained a healthy glow. Even the dark circles beneath his eyes weren’t as pronounced as they’d been. Right then, he looked…happy. Her heart wanted to burst. “I’m so happy for you, Ty.”