by Elle Casey
Come on, come on. My chest is aching, both from the need to feed my baby and also out of fear. Tee is too far away. Anyone could grab him. The only thing keeping me from totally losing it is knowing Thibault is with him. He wouldn’t let anything happen to my baby. I take several calming breaths, trying to slow my racing heart. I’m freezing cold but sweating.
The checkout takes forever. When Thibault’s almost done, I walk briskly to the exit, not looking up when an employee waves at me and tells me he needs to check my purchases. Since I have none and I can’t afford to waste any time hanging around where Sebastian might see me, I go straight to the back of the parking lot and stand next to some bushes on a high curb, hoping to get an elevated viewpoint from which to spy on Thibault. As soon as he gets to the car, I’ll move.
Thibault finally comes limping out of the exit. He stops and looks all over the place, shaking his head when he doesn’t see me. I’m relieved because if he can’t find me, neither can Sebastian.
When he’s at the SUV and puts the lift-gate up, I take off walking as fast as I can, looking left and right, ready to move in another direction if I see Sebastian’s face or the bright-red shirt he was wearing. As soon as I’m just one row over, I start running.
“Where have you been?” he hisses at me, slamming the back shut.
I hold out my hands. They’re shaking uncontrollably. “Give me the baby. We have to leave.”
Thibault’s expression changes in an instant. He goes from pissed to taking charge. “I’ve got him. Get in the truck. The back windows are tinted. No one’ll be able to see you.”
As soon as I’m inside, he hands me my son and shuts the door. I gather Tee in close, leaning down so I can inhale his scent. “I’m so sorry, baby. I left you. I’ll never do that again.” I feel like throwing up. I can’t believe that just happened.
Tee fusses, so I quickly do what I can to feed him. I’m sweating, shaking, and my head is spinning, but as soon as he latches on, I’m finally able to breathe properly. “Jesus Christ, save me from those evil bastards,” I whisper.
Thibault gets into the front seat and looks at me in the rearview mirror. “I won’t go anywhere until the baby’s all strapped in. You can relax. You’re invisible to anyone in the parking lot.” He wipes sweat from his temples and upper lip.
“Okay.”
He stares out the front windshield, his arm stretched across the top of the steering wheel. The silence grows between us, but as awkward as it is, I can’t speak. There’s nothing to say. This event was a reminder of the dangerous game I’m playing, informing on Pavel and trying to stay alive in the process. I must be insane to think I can pull it off. I battle tears as I think about what this means for my child.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
The drive to the cabin goes smoothly. I catch a nap between feedings, and Thibault only stops the car when I have to take the baby out of his seat. The more miles that go by, the more relief I feel trickling in. My past is back in New Orleans and my future is somewhere out in the world, but my present is in this car with Superman, and for once I don’t mind him suffering a hero complex.
I’m resting with my eyes closed when I feel the car slowing down. A gas station appears up ahead, and Thibault is stopping. I close my eyes again and try to relax.
He pulls up to the pumps and turns off the car, getting out and limping over to the side of the truck. The vehicle sways a little as he starts filling the tank and then settles when he walks a few feet away and pulls out his phone. The windows are closed in the back, but Thibault’s front one is open. I can hear every word.
“Hey. It’s me. Do you have a minute?” He pauses. “Yeah, listen, I’m with Mika, and we’re headed out of town for a little while. Ozzie told me to take a couple weeks off before my surgery, so that’s what I’m going to do. At least, for now.”
I really want to sit up and look at his expression, but I stay in my fake-sleeping position. I’m shameless. My trust issues make it impossible for me to not take advantage of the situation. What if he has other plans for me? What if he isn’t being totally honest? My grandmother always told me people who eavesdrop deserve what they hear about themselves, but I’m not going to let that stop me.
“Yes, as a matter of fact, there is,” he says. “Could you do me a favor and call the detective working on her case and talk to him a little bit more about the relationship? He was pretty open to it before; maybe he has more to share now that she’s gone missing. Maybe there’s some talk he’s picked up on the street. And could you ask him about a guy named Sebastian?”
My pulse quickens at the name. Sebastian. They won’t find anything about him—he works in the background, always keeping his hands clean and letting other people do his dirty work. It doesn’t mean he’s not dangerous as hell, though.
He goes quiet for a few seconds. “I have no idea. We ran into him today. He recognized her and she was afraid of him, but I don’t know anything other than that.” He waits and then sighs. “No, she’s not holding out on me. Not really. She’s just . . . nervous. I don’t think she trusts anyone right now, but I don’t blame her. I’m just going to keep asking her questions, and hopefully one of these days she’ll start answering. Maybe if she sees that all I want to do is help . . .”
He hisses and then kind of laughs. “Would you cut that out? Seriously. Talk with your wife or May if you want to analyze the finer points of the relationship. That’s their gig; I’m not your guy for that.”
My heart beats faster. It must be Jenny’s husband, Dev, and it sounds like he’s teasing Thibault about what’s going on between us. I know I shouldn’t want him to have any feelings toward me, but I can’t seem to control my emotions at all these days. That half a kiss we shared only made things worse.
“Anyway, I’m going to try to get her to talk to me about what she’s feeding Holloway, so if she does, I’ll text you whatever I think might be helpful.”
There’s a really long pause as he listens before he speaks again. “If this makes you uncomfortable, just let me know. I can do it myself. It’s just that my cell signal’s not that good out here, and I’d really like to focus on Mika and the baby while I have her undivided attention. She’s scared and she’s convinced she needs to leave, but she doesn’t have a plan. I want to try to help her come up with one, at the very least.”
His kindness is both a gift and a curse. Its value is quickly diminished when I know he wouldn’t feel the same way if he knew everything there was to know about me.
I hear gravel crunching and his voice grows fainter. “Okay, cool. Thank Ozzie for me, would you? I need to go pay for my gas.” He stops all of a sudden. “Yeah, what?” Then he coughs out a laugh. “Are you serious? Holy shit . . . congratulations!”
I sit up and turn around, peeking over the top of the seats. Thibault is resting his hand on his head. “Seriously? That’s awesome news. I’m so happy for you guys. Damn. That’s going to be a hell of a houseful. When is she due?”
Jenny’s pregnant? I turn back around and close my eyes again, resting my head against the seat. I’m happy for her. Her husband seems nice, and they both have good jobs with normal, non-criminal co-workers. I try not to be jealous, but it’s really hard. I want that so badly for myself and Tee. As I sit in this man’s truck running from a gangster, it seems like an impossible dream.
Thibault told Dev that he wants to help me come up with a plan. I’ve been trying to resist his offers of assistance as much as possible because I’m not used to depending on other people or trusting them enough to do that—it’s all I know. But now that we’re on our way out to his cabin and I’ll finally feel like I have some time and space to think in a safe place, continuing to block him seems silly. I just listened to him having a private conversation, and he didn’t say anything that made me worry about ulterior motives. I haven’t regretted him being in my life so far. Maybe I should consider hearing him out. It can’t hurt just to get his opinion, right?
CHAPTER TWENTY-THR
EE
Everything okay back there?” Thibault asks, settling into his seat.
“Yep. Who were you talking to?” I decide to play innocent to see how much he’ll tell me. It’s a test. I really, really want to trust him. I hang on to the armrest of my door tightly as I wait for his answer.
“A friend from work. He’s going to make some phone calls for me. There’s not much of a cell signal out at the cabin.”
“Are those phone calls about me by any chance?”
“Yes.”
Honesty. Good. Point for Thibault. “Thanks for letting me sleep. I was really exhausted.”
“Sure. No problem.”
I suddenly notice how brightly the sun is shining. It makes it seem like the hood of Thibault’s car is sparkling. “It’s a pretty day out today.”
“Sure is. Very mild. Nice breeze.”
“It looks like you got a lot of stuff at the warehouse place,” I say, looking over the seat into the back. Even though I took off on him before we’d put much into the cart, he had the presence of mind to get what we needed. I see two cases of diapers piled on top of tons of food and other baby items. I like his practicality and ability to keep a cool head under pressure.
“Yep. Baby Tee and I handled it together. He’s a pretty good shopper.”
Shame is making it hard for me to speak, but I have to do it. “I’m sorry I took off on you guys. Thanks for taking care of Tee for me. Being apart from him like that was horrible.”
“Yeah . . . What was that all about?”
I shrug, wondering now if I overreacted. “I just didn’t want anybody knowing my business.”
“I noticed. Can you tell me who Sebastian is?”
Tee starts to cry, so I take him from his seat and settle him in my arms so he can have a quick meal before we get back out on the road. I’m stalling for time so I can come up with my answer. Having my baby close to me helps chase away those bad feelings that were created when we were apart.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Thibault says.
He’s being so nice and patient with me, I feel bad holding out on him. And when I try to imagine the things that could happen to me as a result of him knowing my business, I come up with zilch. I sigh, still battling the fear that comes when I picture letting someone into my private life.
Please, God, don’t let me regret this. “Sebastian is one of Pavel’s associates. He’s not in the family exactly, but he’s about as close as you can come and not be blood related.”
“Is he Russian too?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so. He’s from Eastern Europe somewhere, but where exactly? I have no idea. I never asked.” I look up at him, really hoping he’ll believe me, because I’m being completely honest. “I always tried to just keep my head down and focus on what I was supposed to be doing, which was keeping the books. There was always drama with those guys, but I stayed out of it.”
He nods. “I get it. Your life was about survival. It seems like a smart move, to keep all that stuff at a distance.”
“Yes. But then when I made this arrangement with Holloway, part of the deal was that I had to get closer to their business. He wanted to know about what Pavel did on a daily basis, where he went, who he spent time with.”
“Did you tell him? Holloway, I mean? Did you get the intel for him?”
“I haven’t told him anything yet, really. I checked in with him a few times to tell him what I was trying to do, and I did what he asked as much as I could, but I just kept getting sicker. Or that’s what I thought it was. I thought me violating my personal rule of not getting involved was giving me an ulcer or irritable bowel syndrome or something. So I went to see him at the district office to tell him that I had to stop with the sneaking around until I was feeling better, but he wasn’t there. And then, well . . . I met you.”
Thibault has a half smile. “And then you had a baby.”
“Yeah. Exactly.” I look down at Tee’s precious face. “And all my plans went up in smoke. And I found out why I was gaining weight and my ankles were so puffy.”
Thibault turns more fully, gripping the edge of his seat. “So what was your plan, exactly? After you informed on Pavel, I mean.”
I look up at him, not exactly excited about his enthusiasm.
He holds up a hand. “If you want to share. Only if you’re comfortable.”
I have to smile. “You need to relax.”
“What? I am relaxed, see?” He holds up his hands and grins. Then he makes a goofy face, something I never thought I’d see him do.
He makes me laugh for a few seconds, but then I have to remind myself that this isn’t a game. And he might be as charming and cute as a man can be, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to change my reality.
“Listen . . . I get that you’re trying to help me, okay? I know that stepping back and allowing me to call the shots hasn’t been easy for you.”
He nods, calming his inner comedian. “I guess I can agree with that assessment.”
The baby has fallen asleep on my breast, so I detach him and work on trussing him up like a burrito. “And I hope you realize how hard I’m working to try to trust you.”
“I do. And I appreciate that.”
I look up at him, pausing what I’m doing. “It’s a big deal for me. I still don’t really know you, and there’s a lot on the line for me. To be honest, I think I’m just desperate at this point, so I’m taking more of a risk than I normally would with a stranger.”
He takes hold of the seat again. “How about this . . . How about we spend the next couple days at the cabin getting to know each other? So you can feel more comfortable with me and we won’t have to consider each other strangers so much anymore.”
I nod. I like the low level of commitment and risk. “Okay. I can agree to that.”
“But it has to go both ways,” he says. “I work on letting go of my need to control your every movement, and you work on trusting me enough to share whatever you can. Is that a deal?”
“Yes. I agree. Deal.”
He holds out his hand. “Shake on it.”
I shift the baby into his seat and then take Thibault’s hand. It should be nothing, the two of us just forming a casual pact, but touching his skin does something to me. His eyes widen in surprise as we make contact. He feels it too.
“Deal,” I say, my voice strained. I pull my hand from his and busy myself with buckling the baby in. There’s so much tension between us, but I can’t decide if it’s being wrapped up in this dangerous situation together or some crazy form of attraction. I know I’ve never felt anything like it before. Touching his hand should have been no big deal, but it felt intimate.
“You’re getting pretty good at that.” He’s pointing at Tee. “The burrito wrap, the feeding stuff, the car seat. You look like an old pro.”
I give him a tired smile. “Well, I feel like I’ve had a lot of practice at this point. It’s only been a few days, but my body is telling me it’s been weeks.”
“How does it feel?” He looks at the baby and then me. “Being a mom. Are you enjoying it so far?”
It warms me that he’s bothering to ask, and I like how it somehow turns him from a tough, deal-making security man into a guy who enjoys being around kids.
“It’s good. I like it, but it’s not easy. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I guess for me it’s just plain strange still, because I didn’t even realize I was pregnant, and then suddenly there he was.” I take Tee’s tiny hand, his itty-bitty fingers closing over my thumb. “When it first was happening, all I could think of was what a nightmare it was. But now I realize what a miracle he is. I’m very lucky.”
“You are. You really are.” He turns around to start the car, shifting into drive so we can continue our journey. “This might sound corny, but I’m glad to be experiencing it with you.” He looks up in the rearview mirror at me. “Corny, right?”
I shake my head. “No. Not at all.” When he look
s away I find the courage to add to my response. “I’m glad you’re doing it with me too. I think I would question my sanity if I didn’t have someone like you standing there guiding me along. Teaching me how to do things like wrap him up or put a diaper on him.”
“I’m here for ya,” he says, as he pulls out onto the road.
His words give me such a sense of peace. Sadly, that makes me paranoid and suspicious, peace being such an alien concept, so the sensation only lasts a few seconds. I don’t trust destiny to do right by me, so my good humor quickly gives way to a feeling of gloom and sadness. I turn to look out the side window so he won’t see it on my face. Just because I have a problem with trusting happiness, it doesn’t mean I need to bring him down with me.
“How much farther?” I ask as trees flash by my window, one after the other. The environment has become decidedly woodsier, with nothing but that gas station around.
“Fifteen minutes or so. Once we get there we’re probably going to have to do some cleaning up before we can settle in.”
“I’ll help.”
“That’s all right. You should probably just relax.”
“I think I need to do something other than relax and feed the baby.” I sigh. “I’m not used to being so useless.”
He taps his steering wheel, following some inner rhythm for a few seconds before he stops and responds. “I know Pavel’s enterprise isn’t exactly aboveboard—at least not parts of it—but to be a bookkeeper for an operation like that takes a lot of work. I can understand why it might be frustrating for you to be just hanging around feeding a baby all day and night. The same thing happened to Toni. She was climbing the walls about a week after she recovered from the birth of the twins.”
I’m so impressed by the fact that he gets all of this. I feel a lot of respect coming from him, which is definitely not something I’m used to receiving from men. “Yeah, you’re right. It is a lot of work being his bookkeeper. And it’s not like I could call up someone with more experience and ask them how to do this or that. A couple times I emailed an old professor with some questions, but when he started demanding details about why I was asking, I had to cut him off. I learned pretty quickly that I had to stop trying to connect with people outside Pavel’s influence. It forced me to do a lot of research and figure things out on my own, but it was okay. I got used to it.”