by Jeff Kinney
Whenever Rowley comes over to my house these days, he gets the same greeting:
[Image: A cartoon of a man opening the door and warning the boy as he enters.] "The Basement is off Limits
Yes, Sir."
29
Rowley's dad doesn't like ME, either. That's why I don't go over to his house much anymore.
The last time I spent the night at Rowley's, we watched this movie where some kids taught themselves a secret language that no grown-ups could understand.
[Image: A cartoon of two children sitting and speaking in a secret language.] "Beegle Boddle Brup Bop!
Bork!"
TRANSLATION: AT EXACTLY 2:30 P.M., LET'S ALL DROP OUR BOOKS ON THE FLOOR.
Me and Rowley thought that was pretty cool, and we tried to figure out how to talk in the same language the kids were using in the movie.
But we couldn't really get the hang of it, so we made up our OWN secret language.
30
Then we tried it out at dinner.
[Image: A cartoon of a family at dinner time. The two boys talking to each other in a secret language.] "Your- pa dad-pa smells -pa like -pa a woman-pa!
Hee Hee Hee!"
But Rowley's dad must have cracked our code, because I ended up getting sent home before dessert. And I haven't been invited to spend the night at Rowley's ever since.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy leaving the house in the night.]
31
When Rowley came over to my house today, he brought a bunch of pictures form his trip with him. He said the best part of his vacation was when they went on a river safari, and he showed me all these blurry pictures of birds and stuff.
Now, I've been to the Wild Kingdom amusement park a bunch of times, and they have this River Rapids ride where they have these awesome robot animals like gorillas and dinosaurs.
If you ask me, Rowley's parents should have just saved their money and taken him there instead.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys talking in the room.] "Did you see any sharks fighting giant tarantulas on your safari?
No, and sharks don't fight tarantulas.
Well, at wild kingdom they do."
32
But of course Rowley didn't want to hear about MY experiences, so he just gathered up his pictures and went back home.
Tonight after dinner, Mom made Dad watch one of the movies she rented, but Dad really wanted to work on his Civil War battlefield.
When Mom got up to go to the bathroom, Dad stuffed a bunch of pillows under the blanket on his side of the bed to make it look like he was asleep.
Mom didn't find out about Dad's decoy until after the movie was over.
[Image: A cartoon of a woman standing behind a man as he works on the model.]
She made Dad come to bed, even though it was only 8:30.
33
And now Manny sleeps in Mom and Dad's bed, because he's afraid of the monster that lives in the furnace room.
[Image: A cartoon of a man lying awake as his wife sleeps beside him.]
Tuesday
I thought I was done hearing about Rowley's trip, but I was wrong. Yesterday, our Social Studies teacher asked Rowley to tell the class all about his vacation, and today he came to school wearing this ridiculous costume. But what was even WORSE was when some girls came up to Rowley at lunch and started kissing his butt.
[Image: A cartoon of two girls talking to the boys at the dinning table in school.] "Will tells us more about your trip?
"SI!" Heh,Heh"
34
But then I realized maybe that wasn't such a bad thing after all. So I started parading Rowley around the cafeteria, because after all, he IS my best friend.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys talking and a girl looking at them.] "Rowley here just go back from south Dakota!
South America!
Whatever!"
Saturday
Dad has been taking me to the mall every Saturday for the past few weeks. At first, I thought it was because he wanted to spend more time with me. But then I realized he's just making sure he's out of the house for Rodrick's band practices, which I can totally understand.
Rodrick and his heavy-metal band practice in the basement on weekends.
35
The lead singer of the band is this guy named Bill Walter, and me and Dad bumped into Bill on the way out the door today.
[Image: A cartoon of a guitarist greeting the man and his son.] "Mornin' Mr. Heffley!"
Bill doesn't have a job, and he still lives with his parents, even though he's thirty-five years old.
I'm pretty sure Dad's worst fear is that Rodrick is going to see Bill as some kind of role model, and that Rodrick will want to follow in Bill's footsteps.
So whenever Dad sees Bill, it just puts him in a bad mood for the rest of the day.
36
The reason Rodrick invited Bill to be in his band was because Bill got voted "Most Likely to Be a Rock Star" when HE was in high school.
Most Likely to Be a Rock Star
[Image: A picture of two people.] "Bill Walter
Anna Wrentham"
That hasn't really worked out for Bill yet. And I think I heard Anna Wrentham is in prison.
Anyway, me and Dad went to the mall for a few hours today, but when we got back, Rodrick's band practice wasn't over yet. You could hear the guitars and drums from a block away, and there were a bunch of random teenagers hanging out in our driveway.
37
I guess they must have heard the music coming out of the basement and got drawn to it, sort of like how moths get drawn to a light.
When Dad saw all those teenagers in the driveway, he TOTALLY freaked out.
[Image: A cartoon of four boys in the driveway and a boy in a truck.]
Dad ran inside to call the cops, but Mom stopped him before he could dial 911.
Mom said those teenagers weren't doing any harm, and that they were just "appreciating" Rodrick's music. But I don't even know how she could say that with a straight face. And if you ever heard Rodrick's band, you'd know what I mean.
38
Dad couldn't relax with all those teenagers out in our driveway.
[Image: A cartoon of a person peeping out of the window to look at the two boys talking.]
So Dad went upstairs and got his boom box. Then he put in a classical music CD and let it play. And you would not BELIEVE how quickly the driveway cleared out after that.
[Image: A cartoon of a man playing music from the window and three children walking away.]
39
Dad was pretty proud of himself for thinking up that one. But Mom accused him of getting rid of Rodrick's "fans" on purpose.
[Image: A cartoon of a man and a waman talking as the music plays on.] "What? I can't enjoy my music, too?"
Sunday
Today, on the car ride to church, I was making faces at Manny, trying to get him to laugh. I made this one face that made Manny laugh so hard that apple juice came out of his nose.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy making faces at the small child and making him laugh.] "Bwah Ha Ha!"
40
But then Mom said:
[Image: A cartoon of the two children in the back of the car and their mother driving.] "You could have killed him!"
Well, once Mom put that thought in Manny's head, it was all over.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy looking at the crying child.]
See? This is the reason I keep my distance from Manny. Every time I try to have a little fun with him, I end up regretting it.
I remember when I was younger, and Mom and Dad told me I was getting a little brother. I was REALLY excited.
41
After all those years of getting pushed around by Rodrick, I was definitely ready to move up a notch on the totem pole.
[Image: Cartoons of a boy kicking the small child.] "Yaah!
Yaah!"
But Mom and Dad have always been SUPER protective of Manny, and they won't let me lay a finger
on him, even if he totally deserves it.
Like the other day, I plugged in my video game system, and it wouldn't start. I opened it up and found out that Manny had stuffed a chocolate-chip cookie in the disc drive.
42
And of course Manny used the same excuse he ALWAYS uses when he breaks my stuff.
[Image: A cartoon of a child complaining to his parents.] "I'm Ownwy Thwee!
I really wanted to let Manny have it, but I couldn't do anything with Mom standing right there.
Mom said she would have a "talk" with Manny, and they went downstairs. A half hour later, they came back up to my room, and Manny was holding something in his hands.
[Image: A cartoon of a child apologizing to his brother as the mother looks at them.] "I'm Sowwy, Bubby."
43
It was a ball of tinfoil with a bunch of toothpicks sticking out of it.
[Image: A cartoon of a foil ball with toothpicks stuck in it.]
Don't ask me how that was supposed to make up for my broken video game system. I went to throw the stupid thing away, but Mom wouldn't even let me do THAT.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy throwing the ball in the dustbin and the mother scolding him for that.] "Your brother made that for you!"
The first chance I get, that thing's going in the trash. Because mark my words, if I don't get rid of it, I'm gonna end up sitting on it.
44
Even though Manny drives me totally nuts, there is ONE reason I like having him around. Ever since Manny started talking, Rodrick has stopped making me sell chocolate bars for his school fund-raisers. And believe me, I'm grateful for THAT.
[Image: A cartoon of a asking the man behind the door for help.] "Before"
[Image: A cartoon of a child asking the couple for help as his brother looks at him happily.] "Now..."
Um...hello sir...would you like to help support...
Not interested!
Now...
Wood you wike some chokwits?
How precious!"
45
Monday
Madame Lefrere made us write our first pen-pal letters today. I got assigned to this kid named Mamadou Montpierre, and I guess he lives someplace in France.
I know I'm supposed to write in French and Mamadou is supposed to write in English, but to be honest with you, writing in a foreign language is pretty hard.
So I really don't see the need for both of us to stress out over this whole pen-pal thing.
Dear Mamadou,
First of all, I think we should both just write in English to keep things simple.
By the way, remember how I said I was gonna end up sitting on Manny's spiky tinfoil ball thing? Well, I was half right.
46
Rowley came over today to play video games, and HE ended up sitting on it.
I'm actually kind of relieved, to be honest with you. I lost track of that thing a couple of days ago, and I'm just glad it finally turned up.
[Image: A cartoon of a lady dabbing the aching ass of the boy as the another boy looks at them.]
And in all the commotion, I threw Manny's "gift" in the garbage. But something tells me Mom wouldn't have stopped me this time.
Wednesday
Rodrick has an English paper due tomorrow, and Mom's actually making him do it himself for once. Rodrick doesn't know how to type, so he usually writes his papers out on notebook paper and then hands them off to Dad.
47
But when Dad reads over Rodrick's work, he finds all sorts of factual errors.
[Image: A cartoon of a man talking to his son in their drawing room.] "Well, for starters, Abraham Lincoln didn't write "to kill a mockingbird."
Rodrick doesn't really care about the mistakes, so he tells Dad to just go ahead and type the paper like it is.
But Dad can't stand typing a paper with errors in it, so he just rewrites Rodrick's paper from scratch. And then a couple days later, Rodrick brings his graded paper home and acts like he did it himself.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy showing his report to his mother.]
48
This has been going on for a few years, and I guess Mom decided she's going to put an end to it. So tonight she told Dad that Rodrick was going to have to do his OWN work this time around, and that Dad wasn't allowed to help out.
Rodrick went in the computer room after dinner, and you could hear him typing about one letter a minute.
I could tell the sound of Rodrick typing was driving Dad totally bananas. On top of that, Rodrick would come out of the computer room every ten minutes and ask Dad some dumb question.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy asking his father a question.] "Where's the space bar again?"
49
After a couple of hours, Dad finally cracked.
Dad waited for Mom to go to bed, and then he typed Rodrick's whole paper for him. So I guess this means Rodrick's system is safe, at least for now.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy lying down and listening to music and another boy working hard on the type writer.] "Type type type"
I have a book report due tomorrow, but I'm really not sweating it.
I found the secret to doing book reports a long time ago. I've been milking the same book for the past five years: "Sherlock Sammy Does It Again."
50
There are about twenty short stories in "Sherlock Sammy Does It Again," but I just treat each story like it's a whole book, and the teacher never notices.
These Sherlock Sammy stories are all the same. Some grown-up commits a crime, and then Sherlock Sammy figures it out and makes the person look stupid.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy scolding the old men.] "Your first mistake Mr. Beasley, was when you forgot to convert celsius to fahrenheit!
Greek!"
I'm kind of an expert at writing book reports by now. All you have to do is write exactly what the teacher wants to hear, and you're all set.
51
Man, Sherlock Sammy is so smart, and I'll bet that's cause he reads so many books.
I'll bet you're right!
There were a bunch of hard words in this book, but I looked them up in the dictionary so now I know what they mean.
I guess you're a bit of a "sleuth" yourself!
52
OCTOBER
Monday
There was a kid named Chirag Gupta who was one of my friends last year, but he moved away in June. His family had a big going-away party, and the whole neighborhood come. But I guess Chirag's family must have changed their mind, because today Chirag was back in school.
Everyone was happy to see Chirag again, but a couple of us decided to have a little fun with him before officially welcoming him back.
So we basically pretended he was still gone.
[Image: A cartoon of three boys all talking at the same time.] "Boy, I sure do miss chirag.
Yeah... I wonder how he's doing?
Hey, guys! I'm right here!"
53
I have to admit, it was pretty funny.
[Image: A cartoon of two boys talking to each other as the third boy looks at them.] "Did you just hear something?
Nope must have been the wind!"
At lunch, Chirag sat next to me. I had an extra chocolate-chip cookie in my lunch bag, and I made a big deal about it.
[Image: A cartoon of three boys having their lunch in school.] "I wish chirag was here. Oh, how he loved chocolate-chip cookies.
But I'm sitting right next to you!
I'm not even that hungry..."
54
OK, so maybe that one was a little cruel.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy crying and the two boys looking at him.] "(Gobble Gobble Smack Smack)"
I guess we'll probably let Chirag off the hook tomorrow. But then again, this Invisible Chirag thing could turn into the next "P.U."
Tuesday
OK, so the Invisible Chirag joke is still going, and the whole CLASS is in on it now. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself or anything, but I think
I might have Class Clown in the bag for dreaming this one up.
In Science, the teacher asked me to count the number of kids in the classroom so she'd know how many pairs of safety goggles to get out of the closet.
55
So I made a big show of counting everyone in the room except Chirag.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy counting the children in the class.] "...33...34! There are 34 people in this class"
Well, that REALLY set Chirag off. He got up and started yelling, and it was really hard to stare straight ahead and act like he wasn't there.
[Image: A cartoon of a boy talking to the children in the room.] "I...am...a...human being ...too!"
56
I wanted to tell him that we never said he wasn't a human being, it's just that he's an INVISIBLE human being. But I managed to keep my mouth shut.
Before you go and say I'm a bad friend for teasing Chirag, let me just say this in my own defense: I'm smaller than about 95% of the kids at my school, so when it comes to finding someone I can actually pick on, my options are pretty limited.
And besides, I'm not 100% to blame for dreaming up this idea. Believe it or not, I got the idea from Mom. This one time when I was a kid, I was playing under the kitchen table, and Mom came looking for me.
[Image: A cartoon of a child hiding under the table as his mother searches for him.] "Has anyone seen Gregory?"
57
I don't know what made me do it, but I decided to play a joke on Mom and stay hidden.
Mom went all around the house calling my name. I think she must have finally seen me under the kitchen table, but she still pretended she didn't know where I was.