“Well, sometimes people are afraid of the past returning.
After all, we all have our secrets we’d just as soon remain hidden.”
Sunny sat beside her father’s bed and watched his chest as he drew slow, shallow breaths. How could anyone be so very sick and not yet die?
He opened his eyes and attempted to smile. “Sorry. I didn’t . . . know you were here.”
“That’s all right. I just wanted to be near you. I spent so much time so far away, I didn’t want to pass up a chance to share your company.”
“What time . . . is it?”
“Past midnight.”
“Why are you up?” He seemed a little more coherent— as if the time had suddenly startled him into clarity.
“I couldn’t sleep. Sometimes I have trouble with that,” she admitted. “Memories, you know.”
He reached out to hold her hand. Sunny cherished the moment. “Past . . . can’t hurt you, unless you let it.”
“I don’t believe that, Dad. I know God forgives, but I can’t forget. The hideous things I’ve done—that were done to me—they haunt me. It’s like Satan uses them against me.”
“Of course he does.”
“So how can you say that they can’t hurt me?” She felt so vulnerable, almost like being a child again. Weak and scared. Why did this have to happen to her? Kathy always seemed so strong.
“Satan’s a liar,” Dad began slowly. “Bible says so. John . . . chapter eight—can’t remember the verse—it says that lies are Satan’s native tongue. He brings up the past . . . to make you afraid . . . hoping you’ll feel guilty.” Dad rested for a moment and squeezed her hand ever so slightly. “He doesn’t have any power over you, Sunshine. He can’t touch you, because you belong to God.”
“But there are still problems in my life. Things I have to go and face. I’d like to say that everything got perfect when I got right with God, but it didn’t.”
Dad nodded. “I know, babe. Lotta folks think it ought to. It doesn’t change what’s happened. There are still consequences. But it does change the future—how you deal with those consequences.”
“I’m afraid, Daddy. I’m so afraid of everything. I don’t want to be, but I’m just not strong like you.”
“I’m not strong. Not strong at all,” Dad whispered, grimacing in pain. “But He is, and that’s enough.”
Glynnis and Will stayed for two days, then made their way back to Colorado Springs with a promise to return for the funeral. Kathy knew they’d added the extra day because everyone felt certain that Dad’s hours were numbered. He was slipping further and further away, and Kathy found herself drawn almost constantly to his side.
She sat beside him several days later, stroking his hand and remembering all the good times. Her favorite memories were of when she and Amy had been young. Dad had been a workhorse then, as he always had been, but he would sometimes take time out to spend with his girls. She remembered him teaching them to ride horses.
“Do you remember that?” she whispered. Dad didn’t even stir. “You taught us to ride the horses. I was so scared because they were so big, but you just kept telling me not to think about their size.”
After she and Amy had learned to ride fairly well, Dad would sometimes take them on long rides around the property. He would tell them funny stories about his childhood. She especially liked the one about Grandpa throwing Dad into the lake to teach him to swim. Dad had taken to water like a fish. Grandpa had teased that if he threw Dad into the air he’d probably just fly away. The memory made her smile.
“You always gave me good counsel, Dad.” She studied his hand. The skin seemed so loose and pale. She thought of her aunt’s observation that he was really more gone than here. It was true.
Kathy thought the house strangely empty without her aunt and uncle. How much worse would it be when Dad was gone? It was when she thought of that loneliness that she was glad to be leaving this big house. The memories of her life here could offer comfort, but they could also strangle her and leave her without hope. She could see this now.
“It would have been nice if Aunt Glynnis and Uncle Will could have stayed,” she murmured. Kathy sighed. Glynnis and Will were a constant in her life that she desperately needed right now. With Dad dying and Sunny newly returned, their support was the only thing that helped to balance the chaos and confusion. Everyone else, even Sylvia, seemed at arm’s length.
Renea Stover had called twice since her comments at church. She wanted to know how things were going and whether or not Sunny had left. Kathy had listened to the woman’s vengeful, hateful words and realized that a few weeks earlier she had been saying all the same things herself. Was that how she had sounded? The thought made Kathy sick to her stomach.
“Oh, Dad. I know you’ll soon be gone, and I wouldn’t want you to stay—what with the pain and all.” She leaned down and kissed his cheek. “I love you so much. You were such a good father.”
“I tried.” His response startled her. He opened his eyes and met her gaze. “I love you too.”
She hugged him, placing her cheek on his chest. He put his arms around her and the action comforted Kathy in such a precious way. He stroked her hair the way he had when she’d been little.
“It’s been . . . a good life . . . for the most part,” he said. Then added, “But I’m ready . . . not sorry to go.”
Kathy pulled up and looked into his eyes. “It’s all right. I think I understand—maybe for the first time. You know where you’re going. Kind of like when we’d take a trip to Hays when I was little. It seemed so far away—so foreign. But I knew where we were going, so there was such an excitement.”
He nodded and closed his eyes. “Excitement,” he whispered. “That’s how it is.”
“I’ll let you sleep,” Kathy said, straightening. To her surprise, Dad took hold of her hand.
“Don’t waste time . . . never get enough.”
She looked at him oddly. “I don’t mean to waste it if I do.”
“You and Sunny . . . are you working it out?”
Kathy squeezed his fingers. “Yes. I think we are. It’s taking some time, but I think things are coming around.”
He smiled. “Good. Call Kyle?”
Kathy shook her head. “I . . . well . . . I’ve been afraid to call.”
“Silly . . . he loves you.”
“But that was twelve years ago.”
“It doesn’t . . . matter. Real love lasts. Call him.”
Dad had tried several times over the years to encourage her to do just that, but Kathy always put it off. “I’ll think about it, Dad.”
A heavy thunderstorm moved in that night. Kathy was glad to be back in her room after having slept on the sofa while her aunt and uncle were there, much to everyone’s protest. She found solace in the familiar as she stared out the closed window into the rainy night. The house felt cooler with the rain so it wasn’t quite so bad to have the window closed. She heard noises coming from the baby monitor that she used to keep track of Dad from her room. She strained to listen and realized it was just her father’s moaning in his sleep.
“Soon, Dad. Soon you won’t have to hurt anymore.”
Hospice was scheduled to come out the next day, and Kathy fervently hoped they’d convince her father to start on the morphine drip.
Climbing into bed, Kathy sat with her knees up under her chin. She leaned her head down and closed her eyes, praying for wisdom and strength to deal with the days to come. She thought of Kyle and glanced at the clock. He would still be awake. It was only ten-thirty in Colorado. Glynnis had given Kathy his phone number, telling her she felt confident he would want to hear from her, but Kathy was skeptical. Could she dare hope to bring Kyle back into her life?
“I’ve been so stupid. I sent away the only man I would ever love because I didn’t think I had enough love to share between him and Mom.” She pounded her hand against the mattress. “Why did I think that solved anything? Why did I let him go?”
Kathy reached for the phone and dialed the number she’d already committed to memory. Her heart beat double time. As soon as the phone began to ring, she thought about hanging up, but then it was too late.
“Hello?” Kyle’s voice was almost startling to hear. Twelve years faded away. She imagined his impish grin and the twinkle that always seemed to highlight his eyes.
“Kyle?” she questioned, but she knew it was him. For a minute there was nothing but silence. She feared it was too late. Would he hang up?
“Kathy,” he said with something of a sigh in his tone. “It’s been a long time.”
“Maybe too long?” She tried to protect her heart from his answer but knew it was no use.
“No,” he replied, reassuring her. “It hasn’t been forever, and I promised I’d wait that long.”
FOURTEEN
TALKING TO KYLE GAVE KATHY a sense of purpose that she’d not had for a long time. She told him about her mother’s death and father’s illness. She talked about the farm and her fears that no one would buy it. By the time they hung up, it was well into the night. They stopped then only because Kyle had to get ready to catch a plane.
Kyle told her she was lucky to have caught him. He was leaving that day for two weeks in England. It was business, but he intended to mix pleasure as well and enjoy a little sightseeing. Kathy couldn’t help but feel a little sad. They had always talked of doing such things together. It did comfort her, however, when he added that he wanted to hear from her when he got back to the Springs and would call her if that was all right. She assured him it was.
She awoke the next morning feeling more refreshed and at ease than she had in years. It felt as if only days had passed since they’d communicated, rather than a decade. Of course, Kathy knew Kyle had kept up-to-date on her through Glynnis and Will, just as she had learned about him. Kyle had respected her requirement that he not call or write, but over the years Kathy had convinced herself that meant he didn’t care. Now it seemed nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, he told her about a journal he’d kept since they’d parted. He hoped someday she’d read it and see that he’d never stopped loving her or thinking about her—even for a day.
“He still loves me,” Kathy said with a sigh. Even the call from the Realtor didn’t discourage Kathy that day. It seemed the only person interested in the farm wanted to know whether they would consider selling a two-acre patch of land along the road.
A knock at the door brought her out of her reflection.
“Hi, Luke,” Kathy said, opening the door to the hospice nurse. She’d come to know Luke pretty well over the last few weeks. “How’s your wife?”
“Due any day—any second.” He grinned. “Gina’s so tired. I sometimes wonder if he’ll ever come.”
“So it’s definitely a boy?” She’d been following the pregnancy with great interest. Luke’s enthusiasm made it impossible not to get caught up.
“Yup. They’re pretty confident of that. We’ve picked the name. Samuel Douglas Johnson. How’s that sound?”
“I think it sounds great. Will you call him Sam?”
“Probably. Gina says she’ll call him Sammy while he’s little.” Luke pulled a stethoscope from his bag and draped it around his neck. “How’s your dad?”
“Hurting. I think he’s finally ready to allow for the morphine.”
“Let’s check him out.”
Kathy led the way, then watched from the far side of the room as Luke examined her father. Dad cried out in pain every time Luke touched or moved him. It wasn’t a pleasant thing to endure on her part or his.
“Well, Gary, the doc’s been talking about you having something stronger for the pain. I think you’re well overdue for it. So how about letting us help you?”
Dad nodded. “Yes.”
Kathy forced herself not to cry. It was hard to see this stalwart man give in to his condition. He’d held out so long, and for what? She really couldn’t understand.
“I’ll call the doctor as soon as I’ve finished getting your vitals.”
Kathy waited in the living room until Luke finished. He came out with his bag, cell phone to his mouth. “That’s right. No, let me ask.” He turned to Kathy. “Has he eaten or had anything to drink today?”
“No. He stopped eating the day his sister left. That’s been nearly a week. And he’s had maybe a tablespoon of water here or there. I keep trying to encourage it, but he just doesn’t want it.”
“Have his bowels stopped working?”
Kathy nodded. “He still urinates occasionally.”
Luke relayed the information to the doctor on the other end of the phone. “Sure. I’ll tell her. Yeah, I’m sure the same place where they’ve been getting the other prescriptions.” He concluded the call and turned to Kathy. “He’s ordering the morphine.”
“What do we need to do? Will it be given through IV?”
“No. He doesn’t think there’s much time, so to put your dad through all that seems kind of cruel. He’s ordering liquid that you can give to him with a dropper. You’ll just squeeze some under his tongue every so often. It’ll work like a charm, but it will also keep him pretty knocked out. I wouldn’t look to have any more detailed conversations.”
“He’s not talking much anyway. Usually seems more out of it than with it,” Kathy said. “I’ve seen him really slipping away these last two days.”
“Yeah, I see it too. I’d say maybe another couple of days at the most.”
Kathy choked back the lump in her throat. “How soon will they have the morphine ready?”
“You’ll need to pick up the written prescription at the doctor’s office. They can’t just call it in because of it being what it is. Pick up the written order, then take it over to your regular pharmacy. The doctor’s office said they’d call ahead to give them all the particulars, then when you present the orders, they’ll have you sign for the medicine.” Luke offered her a compassionate smile. “You’ve done a good job, Kathy. I probably won’t see you again.”
She drew a deep breath. “Thanks for your help with Dad, and blessings on you and your wife as you wait for your new baby.”
“We’ll send you a notice. Life ends and life begins. It’s all a circle. A very fragile circle.”
“But with Jesus, we know it goes on and on. The end here is only the beginning there,” Kathy said, taking comfort in her beliefs.
Luke nodded. “And life there is bound to be something incredible. More than we can imagine.”
Kathy gathered her things for the trip to Hays before going in search of Sunny. She found her sister working in the small garden. Kathy hadn’t planted much, knowing she’d be busy with Dad’s care and then leave before fall. There were a few tomato plants and onions, as well as a couple of bell pepper plants, but nothing more.
“I have to go to Hays. The doctor is ordering morphine for Dad, and I need to pick it up. He doesn’t think Dad has much longer—maybe a day or two.”
Sunny seemed to fight for control of her emotions. She finally drew a deep breath. “I could go for you.” Sunny got up from her knees and dusted off her pants.
“No,” Kathy replied. In the back of her mind she remembered Sunny’s addiction to drugs.
“Seriously. I know you hate to leave his side, and he’ll probably be more comforted having you with him than me. I could change clothes in five minutes.”
“I said no. I’ll go. They know me. I do want you to come in the house and be with Dad, however.”
Sunny eyed her curiously. “What gives? You’r
e acting strange. What’s wrong with me going to Hays for the medicine?”
Kathy felt uncomfortable and looked away. “Look, I don’t have time to argue about this. They’re going to be very particular about who they give the morphine to. I don’t want any delays.”
“You think that because of the past—my drug addiction—that I might be tempted to use some of Dad’s medication. Is that it?”
“Well . . . I wouldn’t . . . I don’t want you—”
“I can’t believe this!” Sunny was livid. “How could you even think something so hideous? I should have never told you anything—you hold stuff against a person forever, don’t you?”
Kathy became increasingly defensive. “Look, I don’t know anything about you except for what you’ve told me. And I know nothing about drugs, except that they’re hard to kick once you get addicted. Don’t play the wounded victim in this. You are a liability I can’t afford to risk.”
“Boy, you said it there. That’s exactly how you feel about me. It’s how you’ve treated me since I walked through the front door. I’m sure glad God doesn’t hold a grudge like you do.”
Kathy was dumbfounded by her sister’s statement. Maybe she had responded poorly to the situation, but it didn’t merit Sunny’s anger. “Look, I haven’t got time for your wounded feelings. I need to get that medicine so that Dad can be out of pain. Will you stay with him or should I call someone else?”
Sunny clenched her jaw and folded her arms against her chest. “Just go. I’ll be here, and I’ll handle things just fine without you.”
Kathy stood facing off with Sunny for another few seconds before turning to go. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
From the moment she reached the doctor’s office in Hays, things started to go wrong. Kathy was frustrated when the nurse couldn’t locate the written prescription. The doctor had gone to make a hospital call, so he couldn’t just write out a second order. Finally someone thought to look in her father’s chart and found it clipped to the outside.
Where My Heart Belongs Page 14