by Judith Pella
He glanced down at his hand, blood crusting on his raw knuckles. He could still feel her, and he could still taste her lips on his. And the scent of lilac still lingered on his shirt. Like phantom pains he’d heard amputees feel, he curled his hands into fists, wincing at the pain.
He could stop looking at her and touching her, but how could he ever stop needing her?
CHAPTER
48
ELISE BENT OVER THE HEARTH, scraped away a layer of hot coals that were covering the cast-iron Dutch oven, and lifted the lid. A sweet aroma of vanilla wafted up to her nose. It smelled right. It looked right. She slipped a knife into the center of the cake. If felt right. The knife pulled out clean.
Smiling, Elise took the Dutch oven from the coals and carried it to the sideboard. “Thank you, Lord!” she murmured.
Today was Micah’s birthday, and she had prayed the cake would turn out. She so wanted to make this a special day for him. In the last month he had been working hard with his father and John Hunter to build the addition. He deserved a celebration.
Unfortunately, she feared it wasn’t going to be much of a party. Things had been so tense around the cabin in the weeks since that ill-conceived scene in the barn that it was going to take a Herculean effort for both her and Benjamin to lay aside their personal difficulties long enough to offer a festive atmosphere for Micah.
If Elise had harbored a distant hope that she and Benjamin might be sharing that new room, it was more than hopeless now. Benjamin did not even move into the cabin when the room was completed but steadfastly continued to sleep in the barn. He came into the cabin only for meals and to play a bit with the children, all but ignoring Elise.
She told herself it was for the best. She could not bear another rejection. And she dare not do anything to risk ruining the good life she had found for herself and for Hannah by clinging to an unrequited love. She could be distant, too, and she would be that if it was the only way to make this arrangement work. In time she would forget those stirrings she had been feeling. Why, those feelings probably had nothing to do with love at all. She’d just been lonely for companionship, that’s all.
It had no doubt been the same for Benjamin.
Yes, he was wise with this new tack. The companionship that had grown between them before had been a dangerous mistake. They were both too wounded to take such risks.
After supper Elise presented her cake to Micah. He seemed pleased and surprised. For a few minutes some of the tension in the household lifted. Benjamin even acknowledged Elise by complimenting her on the success of the cake.
When Elise presented the buckskin shirt to Micah, he was actually speechless for a moment, his mouth hanging ajar as he gazed at the garment.
“It’s a bit large, I know,” Elise explained. “I used one of your father’s shirts for a pattern, because I thought you’d be filling it out in no time.”
He slipped it over his head, then fastened his leather belt at his waist, which took up enough of the excess so that it did not look ungainly at all, especially after he rolled up the sleeves. He fingered the soft, supple fabric.
“Thank you,” he said, looking directly at Elise.
“Your father worked on the hide at night after you went to bed.” Elise felt obliged to tell him, because Benjamin was not going to say anything to take credit for his part in the gift.
She was gratified when Micah jerked his gaze toward his father and said, “Thanks.” He appeared to mean it, too.
Then the party was over, the children put to bed, and Benjamin made a hasty exit to the barn, though before leaving he announced he would be going to San Felipe in the morning for supplies. He would leave at first light, so she shouldn’t expect him for breakfast.
Elise took a lighted candle and went to the new room. How cold and empty it felt now, though with the door left open during the day, the heat from the hearth penetrated the room nicely. Her shiver had little to do with the room’s temperature. How she longed for things to be as they were before she had made such a fool of herself in the barn.
Climbing into her soft bed of prairie grass, she thought her silly notion of love had ruined everything, and she feared this new cool aloofness would not help matters. Wildly, irrationally, she wondered about taking the great risk and declaring her love to Benjamin. What was the worst that could happen? He could reject her more pointedly than he had in the barn. He could turn her out from his home, nullifying their marriage, which he’d have every right to do since it had never been consummated.
That was the worst. And though the prospect was horrible to Elise, she reminded herself she had experienced worse things and had survived.
But Benjamin was too decent to take such an action with her. . . . Yet hadn’t she thought that of Kendell?
Benjamin is a different man, she argued silently with herself.
Could declaring her love really hurt any more than the pain she now felt? It might be all he needed to open up to her. Maybe if there had been more than physical desire in what had happened in the barn, he feared declaring himself because he didn’t want her to feel any obligation. Or maybe . . .
Who knew what motivations were driving him? Her own emotions were so tangled and confused she hardly knew what was going on. Perhaps he felt the same. Perhaps all that was needed was for one of them to step out and speak their heart.
She should have gone to the barn that very moment and had it out with him. She even started to do so, swinging her feet from the bed.
Then panic gripped her as she thought about actually going to him and revealing her heart.
“I love you, Benjamin! You have filled my heart and soul with such contentment and happiness that those small words can only barely express it.” She murmured the words, and they rang in her ears.
Suddenly she knew the true depth of what she felt for him, and the intensity of her love frightened her more than ever. Benjamin had touched a part of her that had never been touched by any man before.
The love she thought she had carried for Kendell was a childish infatuation by comparison. Kendell had never touched her very soul.
Her throat clenched with a lump of fear. What if Benjamin responded to her with pity?
“I am sorry, Elise, but I cannot return the feelings you have for me,” he’d say. Kindly, of course.
If the depths of what she felt for Benjamin were so much deeper than her feelings for Kendell, then did it not stand to reason that her devastation upon being rejected would be that much greater?
She kicked her feet back into bed.
“Dear God, please help me know what to do. This is getting much too convoluted and twisted for me to fathom.”
When she had thought she would never sleep that night, she dozed off ten minutes later and slept soundly. She woke in the morning to find Benjamin gone.
Elise must have made ten different decisions about what she would do when Benjamin returned. When he finally did come home five days later, she questioned the wisdom once more of introducing love into their relationship. Benjamin seemed so much like his old self that she did not want to spoil the moment.
He passed out small gifts for everyone, even bringing a new thimble for Elise. He then began chatting easily about the news from the more civilized centers of Texas.
“Austin has finally returned to Texas,” he said, sipping a cup of coffee Elise had placed before him.
“He was in prison in Mexico, wasn’t he?”
“Yes, and as many predicted, that experience has made him very favorable toward breaking with Mexico. Oh, he isn’t as gung ho as William Travis and his War Party, but Austin is willing to talk now. There’s going to be a meeting in Brazoria next month, where doubtless a vote will be taken.”
“That will mean war, then, won’t it?”
“Santa Anna won’t just give Texas away, that’s for sure.”
Elise tried to keep the conversation flowing. “You used to be sup.portive of revolution. Do you still feel that way?”
They chatted for a few more minutes about the political situation, then Elise launched into a report of the happenings about the cabin in Benjamin’s absence. Oliver had started teething. Isabel had finally mastered the first primer. Micah had done an excellent job weeding the cornfield, and Leah had said her first real word—“No!”
They laughed over that, and Benjamin quipped, “Well, she’s heard it directed at her enough!”
“And Hannah stood all by herself the other day.”
Benjamin turned to Hannah, who was seated on the floor playing with some spoons Elise had given her. “Is that true, Hannah? You must be very proud of yourself.” She flashed a smile at him. Kneeling on the floor, he reached his hands out to her. “Would you like to show me?”
She placed her tiny hands in his and let him gently tug her to her feet. She grinned at her accomplishment, but when he tried to slip away his hands, she grasped them more tightly.
“Let’s see you do it all by yourself, Hannah,” he encouraged. After a bit more coaxing, she let him remove his hands, and she stood, swaying to be sure, on her own. “Wonderful!” As he spoke he scooted back a bit from her. “Can you do anything else, Hannah?”
“I’m afraid I tried everything,” Elise said, “but she seems determined not to—”
Elise stopped abruptly because even as she spoke, Hannah was refuting her words. She took one step, then another, right toward Benjamin’s beckoning arms. Elise watched in stunned and delighted silence, fearing any sound might break Hannah’s concentration. Only when the child stumbled into Benjamin’s arms did Elise voice her excitement.
She dropped to her knees and with a squeal threw her arms around her daughter, forgetting that such a gesture would essentially throw her into Benjamin’s arms as well. Her hair brushed his face, her arms skimmed across his chest. Then she froze.
Their eyes met in a single confused moment. Then they jerked away from each other as if one of them were a hot ember. Poor Hannah was left truly on her own, momentarily bewildered until Elise, recovering more quickly than Benjamin, took Hannah in her arms.
Elise covered up her awkwardness by chattering to Hannah. “You walked, Hannah! Wasn’t it fun? You are such a strong, brave thing. I’m so proud of you.”
Benjamin rose to his feet. There was a slight smile on his lips, but the turquoise of his eyes had deepened with perplexity.
“I’m glad it was Hannah,” Elise found herself saying.
“Pardon?”
“I’m glad you were there for her first steps.”
“Yes, it was an experience I’ll not soon forget. The look on her face was priceless.”
“You are the only papa she knows.” Elise didn’t know why she said it. Was she trying to use Hannah to hold Benjamin to her? She knew it wasn’t right, but she was at a loss on what else to do. She took a breath.
She’d tell him now—the timing couldn’t be better.
He spoke first. “I best go out now.” He strode to the door.
“Benjamin?”
“What?” Was that impatience in his voice? Perhaps he was just tired after his long trip.
It flustered her nonetheless. “I . . . I . . .” Her heart thudded, and blood throbbed in her head. She looked at him and saw the cold veil pulled once more around him. “G-good night.”
With a curt nod he hurried from the cabin, almost as if he had been released from prison and feared his jailer might change her mind.
Elise stared after him, her gaze boring through the wood of the closed door.
CHAPTER
49
THE GLOWERING WEATHER SEEMED TO mirror the disintegration of Benjamin and Elise’s relationship. The heavy dark sky was like a weight, and the heat was stifling. The release of rain would be a blessing.
Around noon Elise heard the sound of approaching horses. It was too early for Benjamin to have returned from hunting. He and Micah had left after breakfast and expected to be gone all day. Had something happened?
She opened the cabin door as riders came to the edge of the yard. Her palpitating heart skipping several beats, Elise quickly slammed the door shut, drawing the bar into place with trembling fingers. Leaning against the door, she sucked in a breath like someone starved of air.
Maurice Thomson!
She had nearly forgotten he existed. She had let herself think all these months that she was indeed a simple housewife, caring for her family just like any other woman on the prairie. Despite the strained relations with Benjamin, she had felt very normal and secure. The vague images of an octoroon slave, chattel to the lusts of men, had become like a bad dream she knew she’d had, but all the details were dulled by wakefulness.
That had been a mistake—she feared a costly mistake. She had seriously underestimated Maurice. But then, he had hung on to his resentment over losing her mother for twenty years. What made her think he would give up on her after only a few months?
Of course he hadn’t. Somehow he had found her.
The horses came to a stop in the yard, and sounds reached her ears of men dismounting. Maurice was here with his brother, Lyle.
Elise had only seconds to decide what to do. Both guns were gone.
Benjamin hadn’t liked leaving her unarmed, but she had pointed out she didn’t know how to shoot anyway. He’d said he had put off giving her lessons long enough and tomorrow she was going to learn.
Tomorrow. It had seemed like such a minor goal. Now she wondered if there would be a tomorrow. Even if Maurice didn’t kill her, taking her back into his custody would be tantamount to death. She’d once said she would die before going back to that life, but the words seemed so glib now that she was faced with that very choice. She had something to live for now. She had a life she desperately wanted to live out. It wasn’t perfect, but despite all its difficulties, it had fulfilled her and made her happy.
Footsteps approached the cabin.
She shook away her fear. “Isabel,” she said softly but urgently, signaling for the child to keep quiet. “Take Oliver into the new room. Hurry.”
She spoke in a tone that commanded immediate obedience.
As Isabel gathered up her brother, Elise took Leah and Hannah in hand and half carried, half dragged them into the room. Leah attempted to protest in her noisy manner while Elise hushed her several times, finally clamping her hand harshly over the child’s mouth.
“Isabel, keep the children in here and don’t open the door,” she instructed. “Try to keep them as quiet as possible, but whatever happens stay in here. No matter what you hear outside. Stay!”
“Is . . . it . . . Indians?” Isabel stammered.
“No, but they are bad men. You must stay here until your father comes home, so you can tell him what has happened.”
“Where will you b-be, Elise?”
“I don’t know. They may make me go with them. But you are not to worry. Just pray, all right? And tell your father it was Maurice Thomson.”
“I . . . I’m afraid, Elise.” Isabel had started crying.
“I know you can be brave.” Elise bent down and kissed her. Then there was a pounding on the front door. “Don’t leave this room!” Elise admonished emphatically as she shut the bedroom door and strode to the cabin door.
“I heard someone in there,” came the rough familiar voice Elise had so dreaded to ever hear again. “I know you’re home!”
Elise debated about not opening the door. But there was easy access to the cabin through the windows, which were covered only by rawhide. Maurry need only poke his head through to see it was her. Perhaps he would climb in and cause a struggle inside that would scare the children so much they would reveal their hiding place.
Convinced it was her only recourse, Elise gripped the bar, but it to
ok every ounce of courage to throw it back. She opened the door only enough so she could step outside. No matter what happened, she must protect the children. She shut the door behind her.
“So it is you!” Maurice spoke in that tone that bordered on vulgarity.
“What do you want?” She willed her voice to steady, but her lips trembled over her words.
“Now, that’s a dumb question.” His gaze roved over her. “I come to collect my property.”
She knew she could respond with either defiance or humble supplication. And though she wanted to spit in his self-satisfied face, she knew for the children’s sake she had to avoid antagonizing him.
“Maurry, please don’t do this!” It sounded so inadequate, so pitiful, but what else could she say? He’d consider no argument, no defense from her.
“What kind of a setup do you have here, Liz? Did you go into business for yourself?” He glanced over at his brother. “Lyle, go inside and see if there’s anyone else—”
“I’m alone!” Elise cut in quickly—too quickly, for it would only raise his suspicions.
“Where’s that brat of yours?”
“She died. I . . . I have a man, but he’s out cutting wood.”
Maurice smiled, a slanted, twisted motion full of innuendo. “You are in business, then.”
“It’s not like that. We are married.”
“Oh, you got a respectable setup, eh?” He laughed. “Of course it isn’t that respectable since you already have a husband.”
“That’s not true. My marriage was annulled.”
“I heard differently. Your husband went addlepated. Wouldn’t sign papers. Seems he just sits all day living in some fantasy world.”
“When did you hear this?” Elise’s mind was suddenly in a whirl of disarray. Kendell insane? No annulment? It couldn’t be true! It had to be a mistake.
“My lawyer came through San Felipe a couple months ago and paid a visit. Had all kinds of information. Your pa’s back in the country, too.
So far he has no idea where you are.”