by Ciara Shayee
I tell myself I’m not stalling.
I know I’m lying.
*
It’s almost two hours later when I walk through the doors of the maternity unit and give my name, then Ashley’s, to the nurse manning the desk. She beams and leads me down the hall to a door with ‘Cross’ written on the attached whiteboard.
“Thanks,” I murmur, watching her walk away as I white-knuckle the handles of the gift bag.
As soon as I step inside, an involuntary smile curls my lips. However hard this is for me, I am happy for my friends, so seeing them so blissed out—tired, but obviously blissfully happy—puts a grin on my face.
“You made it!” Brayden says, leaving Ashley and their new bundle on the bed to pull me in for an enthusiastic hug. I spot his surprise before he hides it; he clearly didn’t expect me to show.
It stings, but I get it.
“Of course! Miss a chance to tell you how fucked you are? No chance.”
Snorting, Ashley waves me over. “Whatever, KP. Come meet your newest goddaughter.”
Wide-eyed, I look between my friends. “My…what?”
“You heard her, man.” Brayden squeezes my shoulder before steering me toward his wife. “We were planning to ask before she arrived, but little miss Ivy here beat us to the punch.”
Ivy.
Wistfulness rushes through me. I’ve always liked nature-themed names.
Ivy, Savanna, Oakley, River…
Willow.
Before I can back away, Brayden has removed the gift bag from my hand and Ashley is pressing the pink-wrapped bundle in her arms into mine. I cradle her instinctively, my eyes burning as I peer down at her, my newest goddaughter, for the first time. She’s all scrunched up and I don’t care what anyone says, babies don’t look all that great at first, but when Ivy slowly opens her eyes and looks back at me, she’s Ashley made over.
“She’s beautiful, Ash. Well done.”
Her wide smile says it all, really. “Thanks, KP. So, what do you say? If me and Bray end up killing each other one day, do you reckon you’d be up for watching this one as well as her crazy sisters? There’s no one we trust more than you with them.”
My chest aches as I nod and reflexively hold the baby a tiny bit tighter, a thousand and one worst-case scenarios rushing through my head. Handing her back to her mom, I clear my throat. “Don’t go killin’ each other, all right? I need you back at the restaurant eventually.”
Silence blankets the room. I’m about to excuse myself, my lungs squashed by the sudden, tense atmosphere, when there’s a light tap on the door before it swings open.
Piper?
“Hey, guys. I hope this is okay…Mom is having a bit of a crisis at the hotel, but she asked me to bring these over.”
“Come in, come in,” Ashley urges, gingerly sitting herself up while holding Ivy in one arm. “I’ll trade my newborn for that box if it’s full of Bethany’s chocolate chip cookies.”
“Hey! Quit trading away my baby, woman,” Brayden protests half-heartedly, eyeing the box in Piper’s hands just as hopefully as she is.
Laughing, Piper sets the box down on the table and releases the sparkly pink balloons in her hand so they hover by the ceiling. “She packed a mixture.” Ticking the flavors off on her fingers, she makes their day—well, more than Ivy’s arrival already has. “Peanut butter, chocolate chip, and pecan…I think. Don’t take my word for it. Jax told me he ‘helped,’ so there could be Legos mixed in there for all I know.”
“I’ll take ‘em anyway,” Ashley says cheerfully. “Do you want a cuddle with Ivy while you’re here, or are you in a rush?”
Checking her watch, Piper beams at Ashley and skirts around me with a murmured “hi” to get to the baby. “I’ll make time. Oh, you guys, she’s gorgeous!”
While the women gush over the baby, Piper cradling her like a pro, I motion to Brayden. “I’ve got some stuff for you all in the car.”
Shooting a quick glance at Ashley, Piper, and Ivy, Brayden chuckles. “I reckon we can escape for a bit without being missed. Will you be all right for a few, Ash?”
Waving us off without even looking our way, Ashley continues telling Piper all about Ivy’s birth—and that’s my cue to leave. Anything more than ‘we’re all happy and healthy’ is too much information.
“You up for a coffee? I’m totally wiped.”
“Sure, if you’re sure Ash won’t mind.”
Brayden promises that she won’t, so we’re soon settled at a table with our steaming cups in front of us. Sighing, he offers me a grateful grin. “Thanks for coming, man. I know it’s not your favorite place.”
Understatement.
“You don’t have to thank me. I don’t love it here, true, but you and Ash—and the girls—you’re family.”
Thankfully reading into my ‘I couldn’t hate this topic more’ tone, he simply nods and changes the subject. “Did you find someone to cover Ash while she’s off yet?”
Oh, good. Another topic I’d rather not think about.
“No,” I mutter. “At this rate, I’m gonna have to give Jones a raise and tell him to pick up the extra shifts. He’s been buggin’ me about more responsibility, but I don’t know.” Smirking faintly, I admit his woman isn’t so easy to replace.
“I’ll tell her you said that. It’ll cheer her right up.”
“Cheer her up?”
“Yeah, the doc says she’s gotta stay overnight. They just want to keep an eye on her blood pressure or somethin’. She’s not happy. She keeps going on about the girls, but they’ll be fine. She just wants to get home and get Ivy settled in, you know?”
“Anything I can do?”
“Nah, I think we’re set. Thanks, though. Lucy, Callie, and Lily should be fine with Ash’s parents for another night.”
“Well, let me know.”
After a sleepless, busy night, Brayden’s more than happy to catch a few z’s while I respond to a couple of emails on my phone. Promising to wake him up in five, I reply to a possible new cheese supplier before realizing I can feel someone staring at me. Glancing around, I spy a nurse waiting in line at the coffee station.
My stomach falls to my feet. It takes a moment, then recognition lights her eyes, too.
“What’s goin’ on?”
The sudden blaring of alarms drowns out the silly music coming from my cell as I stand so quickly it tumbles off my lap, hitting the hard floor with a crack. The door flies open, medical personnel in all colors rushing in. I get shoved out of the way and eventually pulled toward the door as my whole world crashes down around me.
That noise…that beeping. Someone stop the beeping, dammit. I can’t think.
Grabbing the nearest nurse, the one who’s good with the hair bows and stuff, I shout, “What the hell is goin’ on? What’s wrong?”
‘Kerstin,’ her name tag reads. I’ll never forget that name or her determined but worried expression.
“Mr. Patterson, please wait right here and I’ll see what’s going on, okay? She’s in good hands.”
Good hands…
Collapsing in a chair right outside the room that’s become my home the last two weeks, I ignore the pain tearing up my leg and pray to a god I’m not sure I believe in anymore.
Five minutes or an eternity later, Kerstin steps back out into the corridor with red-rimmed eyes and a look on her face that slays me.
“No…”
“Mr. Patterson?”
It takes a few seconds for me to realize I’m being addressed now, not in my memories.
Kerstin.
Same name tag, same sympathetic expression.
“I’m sorry, but I…” Shaking her head, Kerstin fiddles with something in her the pocket of her scrubs. “I, uh, I just wanted to say ‘hello.’ I’ve never forgotten you, or—”
I can’t do this.
As she speaks, I spot Piper waving over her shoulder as she heads our way. “I think
…I think you’ve mistaken me for someone else,” I choke out.
Her eyes soften as Piper joins us, laughing. “So here you are. Ash bet me five dollars that you’d be hiding out. Oh, sorry, did I interrupt?”
“No, no.” Kerstin offers me a small smile, her eyes the same kind brown gaze I remember. “I’m sorry to have bothered you, Sir. Take care.”
Once Kerstin is out of earshot, Piper grins up at me. “Well, she was nice!”
“Yeah, I guess she was,” I murmur, shaking off the sudden bout of nostalgic melancholy as the nurse disappears around the corner with one last glance back at me.
“I’ve got to run. Arlo’s at a playdate with a new friend and I’m fairly sure he’s got too much crazy in him for the parents to handle.” Leaning in, she whispers, “They’re normal.”
The sparkle in her eyes and the unabashed grin on her face is infectious. It helps me push away the memories trying to force their way to the front of my mind.
“Sheesh. Yeah, any kid of yours is definitely gonna be too much for normal people to handle.”
Once we’ve woken Brayden from his nap, the three of us walk outside to the parking lot where Piper congratulates him again before veering off to her mom’s car. After we’ve moved the gifts I brought into Brayden’s new minivan, I head off, too. Brayden attempts to talk me into coming back up to hang out for a bit, but I’ve had enough socialization for one day. I don’t want to push my luck while my decent mood is holding up.
Brayden and Ashley are two of my best friends, so of course I’m happy for them. But the thought of spending much more time with their beaming smiles and beautiful baby girl makes my stomach knot and my chest ache.
*
Later that night, I get a call asking me to play last-minute babysitter. It comes just as I’m about to knock Jones’s head off for forgetting to order potatoes.
“What?” I snap as I stalk down the hall into my office before I kill my stand-in head chef.
“Whoa, man,” Brayden laughs. “What’s goin’ on?”
Shit. “Sorry, shit night at the restaurant. Everythin’ okay with Ash and the baby?”
“We’re all good, no worries here. Does your offer still stand? To help out with the girls?”
“Of course. What do you need?”
“Ash’s mom has an early appointment tomorrow, so she can’t keep the girls tonight. Could you take them back to my place and just hang there until I get home? We’re just waiting on the doc, but I’ll be an hour. Two, tops.”
Watching the girls is well within my realm of capabilities, so I agree and tell him to text me the in-laws’ address before heading back to the kitchen.
“Jones, get your ass next door and pray they’ve got potatoes.”
“Sir, yes, Sir!” The little punk salutes me as he strips off his apron and takes off after making sure Kelly’s good by herself for a few.
Eyeing her, I sigh. “Are you sure you’re okay? I’ve got to run out and grab Brayden’s girls, but I can always bring them here if you need an extra hand. They can hang out in my office or somethin’.”
“Nah, boss, I’m fine. Get out of here,” she tells me with a smirk, expertly flipping patties on the grill while checking on the last batch of fries we have until Jones returns—hopefully with enough potatoes to last us the night.
“All right, well…I’ve got my cell.”
The drive to Ashley’s parents’ house doesn’t take all that long, but Lucy, Callie, and Lily—twelve, ten, and eight, respectively—are packed and raring to go when I knock on the door.
“Uncle KP! How come you’re here?” Lily asks as she rips the door open.
“I’m here to rescue you, nugget,” I tell her quietly, plastering a grin on my face for Ashley’s mom. “Hi there. Kellan Patterson, Brayden and Ashley’s—”
“I know who you are, hon,” she tells me with her daughter’s sunny smile, sticking her hand out for me to shake. I’ve met her before, I realize—at the girls’ christenings and both Brayden and Ashley’s fortieth birthday parties. “I’m Margaret, Ashley’s mother. Now, are you sure this is all right? I told Brayden I could keep them tonight, I’d just need him to collect them early tomorrow.”
“It’s no bother, honestly.” Lucy and Callie join us by the door, so I check they’re all ready before thanking Margaret, accepting the booster seats she hands me, and corralling them toward the car.
“Cool! You brought the Jeep,” Callie cheers.
“Shotgun!”
“Aw, man,” Lily shoots Lucy—who called shotgun—a sour look. “Uncle KP—”
“You know the rules, nugget,” I remind her, ruffling her hair. “She who calls it, gets it. And besides, you’re still too little to sit upfront. Give it a couple years and you’ll be tall enough, like Lucy. Now, come on, let’s get goin’.”
Once everyone is buckled in, I ask, “Have y’all eaten?”
“Yeah,” they groan; my lips curl up into a grin. “Grandma made us have tofu,” Lily tells me with a grimace. “She says it’s good for us, but it tastes like dirt.” She raises her eyebrows at me, daring me to disagree.
“Well, it is good for you,” I admit, starting the engine. “But it’s not all that flavorful.”
“See!” Callie throws her arms in the air. “That’s what we said!”
Laughing at their indignation, I promise pizza in return for good behavior. It’s no surprise that they all agree before I even finish speaking.
*
By the time Brayden’s headlights illuminate the living room, all three girls are fast asleep sprawled out on the couches. I grin ruefully when he steps inside and shakes his head at me. “What? I couldn’t move. I’d wake up my little nugget.”
It’s a big fat lie and he knows it as well as I do.
Lily fell asleep first. She’s got her legs thrown over my lap and her head pillowed on the arm of the couch. Lucy and Callie are sharing the other sofa across the room.
“Yeah, yeah,” he snorts. “You’re just a soft touch, and you know it.”
“Yeah, I guess.” Shifting carefully, I manage to scoop Lily into my arms and stand up without waking her. My stomach flips at the feeling of her warm weight against my chest, but I ignore it, shoving the sensation and the memories it stirs up to the back of my mind. “I’ll take her up.”
“Sure.” Brayden crouches beside his two eldest, presumably to coax them up to their bedrooms, too.
Once they’re all tucked in, he and I meet in the kitchen. “I’m not even gonna bitch about the pizza. Don’t tell Ash, though. She’s all about healthy, organic food right now. All we have in the house is rabbit food and I’m fucking starving.”
With a grin, I pull open the fridge door and slide out the pizza I hid from the girls. “Good job I got this then, huh?”
His tired face lights up. “You’re the best, man, seriously.”
“I know.” Rubbing my beard, I tip my head side to side until my neck cracks. “I’m gonna get goin’.”
Eyeing me for a second, Brayden finally nods.
I wonder if he sees how much energy this has cost me. I wonder if he knows how hard it is to be around the girls even though I love them almost like…
Like my own.
Grabbing my keys and phone from the console table next to the front door, I turn to my friend. “Oh, and I forgot to tell you. I had to promise the girls you’d bring them to Burger Co. for lunch this week in exchange for them going to sleep.”
Shaking his head with pursed lips, Brayden crosses his arms. “Fair enough. Thanks again, man. We really appreciate it.”
“They’re no trouble. Let me know if you need anythin’ else.”
“All right. See ya.”
Instead of driving home, I head back across town to Burger Co. I made a promise to get Piper home safely and I intend to keep it.
Jones and Kelly managed to power through the potato shortage earlier in the evening—next door had ple
nty, apparently, but Jones didn’t enjoy having to prep them mid-service.
Boo-fucking-hoo.
My crew out front tells me everything went smoothly there, too, so all is well with Burger Co. for another night. After handing out tips and walking them all out, I wish them a good night, leave the door unlocked for Piper, and keep myself busy in my office until I hear a soft, “Knock, knock.”
Pulling my attention away from the invoices spread across the desk, I grin. “Hey.”
Piper blinks a few times, her eyes wide as she hovers in the doorway and stares at me like a ghost or somethin’. I only get more confused when a faint blush covers her cheeks.
“Are you okay?” I ask with a frown, removing my glasses. It’s weird, but I can’t look at paperwork or my computer for long without them, but I also feel like they get in the way.
“Uh, y-yeah. I’m fine. Fine.” Smiling a little too brightly, she tugs at the end of the ponytail hanging over her shoulder. “I didn’t know…you wear glasses?”
“Oh, yeah. For a couple years.” I shrug. “They’re all right.”
“Right.” Stepping further into my office, she peers around. I take a look around, too, wondering what she thinks. It’s neat and tidy. Simple. I keep it clean and organized for my own sanity; I can’t stand mess. “If you’re busy, I can just walk home.”
“I’m not busy, don’t worry.”
After tucking everything away, I stand up and stretch out until my muscles and joints start to protest. “I was just killing some time. Are you ready to go?”
“Uh, yeah…” she breathes, shaking her head and murmuring something too soft for me to hear.
All right, then.
Quite often, I linger here long after everyone else has gone home. I usually switch on the sound system, park myself at the bar with a bottle of Jack Daniels or whatever else I’m in the mood for, and work until the early hours. When I leave, I always feel…bereft, I guess. I walk through the restaurant, flipping off lights, checking doors and windows, and locking up knowing I’m getting in an empty car to drive home to an empty house.