by Ciara Shayee
The first night they all stay over, I leave Sullivan entertaining Max and the boys and take Piper’s hand to lead her up the stairs. My heart begins to race as we stop at the top, her feet taking her left, mine taking us right.
“This way, I urge her gently, licking my dry lips.
Confused but not unwilling, she follows me down the hall and waits patiently as I slowly slide the door open. Her quiet sigh when the room comes into view makes me nervous. My palms are clammy, but her fingers squeeze tighter around mine so I can only wipe one hand on my shorts.
“Kellan…”
The pale purple walls are no more. The carpet Shannon insisted on is also gone, the gorgeous hardwood underneath varnished and gleaming in the evening sunlight streaming through the window. Sullivan and I spent all our spare time this week painting the room a soft mint green and tossing out all the old furniture that matched the old color scheme.
Stepping further into the room, Piper pulls me with her. I watch with bated breath as her fingertips trail over the top of the new dresser before finding the footboard of my new bed.
“When I took you to the guest room before, it wasn’t because I didn’t want you in here.” My voice seems overly loud in the otherwise silent room. Piper tilts her head in my direction, but doesn’t make eye contact. “I didn’t want my memories of this room,” of Shannon and I, “to taint us. The bed is new, all the bedding…”
“It’s a fresh start,” she finally whispers just when I’m beginning to think I’ve made a monumental error.
“Yes,” I agree hesitantly, a sigh of relief gusting from me when she abruptly turns to wrap her arms around my waist and press her face against my chest. “Do you like it?”
I want her to like it. I want her to want to be here, with me. I want to make new memories here, with her.
“It’s beautiful, Kellan.” Stretching up on her tiptoes, she presses her mouth against mine, the salty taste of tears on her lips. Worried, I pull back and brush the back of my hand over her wet cheek. Her smile puts my mind at ease, but not completely. “This is a huge step for you. I’m proud and happy and all the feels.”
All the…Right.
Smiling, I pop a kiss on the tip of her nose. “It’s a huge step for us, not just me.”
As September passes us by, my trip looms on the horizon. I’m looking forward to seeing my parents, my brother and his family, but I’m going to miss the shit out of Piper and the boys. I’m also concerned that Mom is going to take the opportunity to press me about Shannon, but that will have to be dealt with if it comes up and not before. I don’t want to start out on a bad foot and I definitely don’t want to bring her up in case Mom isn’t going to.
The day before my flight out, I spend a rare lazy morning sunning myself by the pool. It will be a good deal colder in Utah than it is here, so I make use of the new Adirondack chairs Bethany and Carson got me for my birthday and park myself in the back yard. Throughout the morning, I receive texts from Mom, Sullivan, and Piper.
Mom wants to remind me that she’s going to have Dad or Lucas collect me from the airport, so I don’t need to rent a car.
Sullivan is having a whale of a time with his buddies in Miami. He’ll fly out to Salt Lake City from there, joining me at the end of my first week there. He’s looking forward to seeing Dad, Lucas, Sabrina, and Matty. Mom…not so much. I don’t blame him, really. Their relationship has always been strained.
And Piper…I snort when I open her message and see the attached picture. She’s at an intensive puppy training course with Max run by the shelter she adopted him from.
I hate him.
In the picture, all the other dogs are sitting nicely. Max, however, is sprawled out on his back with his legs in the air and his tongue lolling out the side of his jowls.
At least you can’t say you have a boring dog, I type, grinning when she sends back an eyeroll emoji.
The morning passes slowly with no Max, no boys, Sullivan, or Piper to distract me. In fact, I’m so sick of my own company that I jump up when my cell starts ringing just after noon, hoping to see Jones’s or Brayden’s names so they can ask me to come help at the restaurant.
Hot Stuff calling…
“Fuckin’ Sully,” I grumble, sliding the green button across the screen to answer the call as I glance at the clock. I thought the class was running until two, but it’s barely past noon. “Hey, short stuff. Is everythin’ okay? Max didn’t get the boot already, did he?”
“No, no,” Piper huffs, instantly putting me on alert. It sounds like she’s running. “I need to ask you a huge favor, and I really wouldn’t if I had another choice, but I don’t.”
Torn between worry and hurt that she’s only asking because she has to, I ask what she needs.
“I’ve just had a call from Arlo’s teacher and he’s throwing up everywhere. Mom and Dad are out of town, Rosie went with them, Bass and Gi took Danny to see their parents, and Everly is no closer than I am because she’s at a first aid course here in Jacksonville. I’ve tried everyone I can think of and nobody can get to him.”
My heart takes off at a sprint as my stomach flips. Can I do this?
“I’m so sorry, Kellan. Don’t worry, I’ll try—”
“No, it’s…” Swallowing hard, I force the words from my mouth even though I’m not sure I mean them. “It’s fine. I’ll go get him. Will they know to expect me?”
Piper quickly runs through the protocol and gives me the password I need to tell the teacher so I can collect Arlo, before promising to be as quick as she can. She’s just jumping in the car and the GPS says she’ll be a little over an hour if there’s traffic.
“Do you still have the keys to Mom and Dad’s so you can get his seat?”
“Yeah, I have the keys,” I grunt, swiping my keys from the kitchen counter on my way through the house. “I’ll see you in a bit. Drive safe.”
After running into Carson and Bethany’s on autopilot, the drive to the school takes minutes, but it feels like a lifetime. My senses start to shut down one by one, my heart pounding so hard I can feel it in my ears and my toes. I white-knuckle the steering wheel as I turn onto the street I’ve successfully avoided for six years.
I haven’t been back since that day. The day Jeremy Bowen got into his car after taking a cocktail of drugs that should have killed him, but killed my daughter instead. He wasn’t coherent enough to be driving. He swerved all over the road, slamming straight into the trunk of my Jeep.
A sick sense of irony means that the only available parking spot is almost exactly where I was parked that day.
Swallowing bile, I switch off the engine and take a few deep breaths to stave off the threatening panic attack. White spots dance in the back of my eyes, breathlessness stealing my composure until I remember that Arlo is waiting.
Willow is gone, but Arlo is here and he needs me now.
A woman who introduces herself as Miss Mickey greets me when I push through the glass doors. I’m sure I look terrible, but she doesn’t say anything. She pokes her head into a little room off the reception area, then Arlo appears. He’s white as a sheet and his face is streaked with tears as he hiccups and tells me he’s been sick, a paper bag clutched tight in his little hands.
Suddenly, my own misery is secondary.
“Oh, buddy,” I whisper, crouching to wipe his face with the sleeve of my henley. “It’s okay. Let’s get you home, huh?”
“’Kay.”
Scooping him into my arms, I thank his teacher and take Arlo’s backpack, carrying him out to the car. Once he’s buckled in, I press the back of my hand against his forehead and wince. He’s hot.
“Do you have some water in that big bag of yours?”
“I think so.” His chest heaves in a big, shaky breath and his eyes fill with tears. “B-but I don’t wanna drink it, Easy. I f-feel sick and it makes me feel sicker.”
“It’s okay, bud, you’re okay. You’re just hot, that’s
all.”
Plucking him back out of his seat as he melts down, I lean on the car and cradle him in my arms until he’s calmer and less likely to make himself throw up again. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.” Sucking in a deep breath, I rub his back and gaze up at the clear sky. “I’ve got you, buddy.”
Arlo clings tighter, his little arms wrapped around my neck, and I bury my face in his hair as my eyes squeeze shut.
*
“He’s fine now, he’s resting. He’s been drinking lots of water and managed a few crackers.” Piper passes the door, shooting me a small smile as she listens to Bethany on the phone. Looking back at Arlo, who insisted I get into his momma’s bed with him when she tucked him in, I lightly run my fingers through his hair and sigh.
It’s been a rough day.
Since getting home, Arlo’s been sick a bunch more times and cried almost constantly. He wants to be held but he’s too hot, and he wants to eat but every time he does, it comes right back up. Seeing him so miserable wrecks me. It’s even worse knowing that, come tomorrow, I’ll be leaving him—leaving Piper to handle everything by herself. She’s more than capable, but I want to help. I want to be here for her, for Arlo, for all of them.
The thought of cancelling or delaying my trip has crossed my mind once or a hundred times this afternoon. It’s only my promise to Matty to come watch the final match of his soccer tournament tomorrow that stops me checking out alternative flights later in the week.
“Hey,” Piper breathes a few minutes later, quietly closing the door behind her. “Jax and Finn are out and Max is fast asleep in his bed.”
“That’s good.” I smile, waving her over. “Get over here. You look beat.”
The dark shadows under Piper’s eyes make me feel even guiltier for leaving, but she assures me she’s fine as she ducks into the bathroom. When she returns, she’s wearing a tank top and sweats and she’s still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Snuggling down with her gaze trained intently on us, her eyes soft but her thoughts running wild behind them, Piper sighs, her smile weak. “We’re going to miss you.”
“I could stay,” I offer, trying to work out what I could tell Mom and Dad if I flew out just for the weekend rather than the planned two weeks. But there’s still Matty’s soccer game, and I promised…
I don’t break promises. One broken promise, one forgotten promise, cost me my daughter.
“No, don’t be silly. You need to go see your family.” The atmosphere in the room shifts as she fiddles with the end of the thin blanket covering Arlo.
“Go on, say whatever’s on your mind. I’m an open book when it comes to you, Piper.” It’s something I’ve wanted to say for a while now, but not until I truly meant it. I mean it now. Anything she wants to know, I’ll tell her.
Chewing her lip for a moment, she finally caves. “What happened with you and Shannon?”
Even though I’ve figured this question would be coming eventually, I wasn’t necessarily expecting it now. Blowing out a big breath, I manage a faint smile. “Starting with the big questions, huh?”
“Sorry.” She winces. “It’s been playing on my mind.”
“It’s okay. It’s a conversation we need to have. I won’t lie, I have questions for you, too.”
Piper nods. “That’s fair, and I’ll answer them.”
“All right.” Steeling myself for a heavy conversation, I shift down, almost laughing at Arlo’s sleep grumbles when I jostle him a little. Reminding myself that this is Piper, I ready myself to tell her something I’ve never told another soul, not even Kendra. I can feel the chill seeping into my veins as I cast my mind back.
“Well, Shannon and I were on the rocks long before Willow…before the accident. We were on different paths, wanted different things. She’s always wanted more than what I could give her. She never wanted Jackson Bay like I did.”
I feel like a fool now, looking back. It was so obvious that she was pulling away, that she had no intention of making Jackson Bay her home like I had. Of course, I never expected her to be unfaithful.
“She was having an affair for most of our marriage,” I admit into the quiet room, watching Piper’s brows pinch together. “She was sleeping with one of her co-workers from around a year after we got married. The whole time I was here, setting up a home for us, for our family…I was paying for our fertility tests and treatments, and the whole time…”
“She was with him,” Piper breathes, reaching across Arlo to hold my hand. “I’m so sorry, Kellan.”
“I’m not,” I admit, but my thoughts are flying around. It’s not Shannon’s infidelity that bothers me, not anymore. “I was hurt when I found out, of course, but it was…”
It was her words that undid me.
My heart thunders away in my chest, my stomach turning, as I replay the words she hurled at me the morning after we buried Willow.
Tossing a file of papers on the end table, she sighs. “I’m done, Kellan. We’re done.”
“What?” Staring blankly at her, whiskey goggles still firmly in place, I feel myself shaking my head. “Why are you doing this? Now? We just buried our daughter, Shannon.” Angry now, I bang my fist on the table. She flinches. “Our daughter just died and you’re doing this now?”
“For God’s sake, Kellan!” she cries, throwing her hands in the air as tears leak over her cheeks. Once upon a time, I would have been sad, seeing her cry, but not now. I see her completely different now. This woman…she’s not the girl I married. Her next words bring that home.
“She’s not even your daughter.”
My ears ring so loud I can’t hear it when she curses and tugs her hair out of its messy bun.
Not even my…
“Wh-what?”
Her composure crumbles as she sags into the wingback chair across from me. “I don’t know…she might not be yours. She might be Jonathan’s.”
She might be Jonathan’s. Not…not mine?
I’m pulled from my memories by Piper’s hissed curse. Tears stream over her cheeks as she carefully slides Arlo away from me, taking his place so she can kneel over my stomach and tuck her face in the crook of my neck.
“I hate her,” she cries against my skin, squeezing me tight, knitting me back together the way she has been for weeks now. “I hate her so much. How could she do that to you?”
“She didn’t care about me,” I croak, my voice thick with the emotion that bowls me over every time I think of that day.
I’d just buried my daughter and she chose that moment to tell me Willow might not have been mine to lose in the first place. I’ll never forgive her for that.
“Willow was mine, Piper.” Pulling back to look at me, her eyes red and leaking fat tears that break my heart, Piper cocks her head. “I don’t need a DNA test to tell me that that little girl was my little girl. Nobody will take that away from me. Not Shannon and certainly not Jonathan. She had my green eyes, my personality, my smile.”
Cupping my face between her small palms, Piper breathes out a shaky sigh. “I can’t even…you’re so strong, Kellan. So much stronger than you believe.”
I’m not sure she’s right, but I choose to believe her anyway. Pulling her down into my side, I carefully slide Arlo back over and tuck him into my other side. Carefully, Piper adjusts the blanket so we’re all covered, then she presses a kiss right over my still-racing heart.
“I’ve never told anybody what I just told you,” I whisper into the darkness when she switches off the lamp.
“I’m so glad you trust me enough to share that with me. I won’t break your trust, Kellan,” she whispers back, snuggling in tight.
“I know that.”
And I do.
Just like I know that I’ve fallen head over heels for Jaxson, Finley, and Arlo as if they’re my own sons. I’m not their dad, but I wish I could be. Going forward, whatever they want from me, whatever role they need me to fill, I’ll be there.
I can honor her memory not by wallowing away and pickling my organs with whiskey, but by living.
I’m a black and white page in Arlo’s picture book. Piper and the boys are the watercolors bleeding between the lines, bringing me back to life.
The woman in my arms, she’s it for me. She’s the fire I lost when Willow slipped away from me, the joy I forgot how to feel, the calm I’ve been searching for.
She’s the woman I love.
Twenty-six
Kellan
Stepping out of Salt Lake City International Airport, I tuck my cell back in my pocket and shiver, pulling my zip-up sweater tighter around me, my eyes searching…
“Over here, Uncle Kelly!”
Of course the day I arrive in Utah would be the coldest day of the month so far. It’s still reasonably warm by most people’s standards, I reckon, but for a guy who never leaves Florida, it’s pretty damn chilly. Even Matty, a born and raised Utah native, is wearing a sweater as he hangs out of the backseat window.
“Hey, Matty,” I chuckle, ruffling his hair when I get close enough. Dad calls out to tell me the trunk is open, so I jog around and dump my luggage before slamming it shut and climbing in beside him.
“All set?” he asks, shooting me a grin—the lopsided smile I inherited—as he pulls away from the pick-up area after twisting to make sure Matty is back on his booster seat and all buckled in.
“All set,” I confirm, blowing out a breath of relief. I’m finally here.
After a delayed flight out of Jacksonville, I missed my layover in Dallas. I got lucky and managed to catch a slightly later plane but it means I’m here almost three hours later than planned, and for all my concern about leaving Piper and the boys and missing Matty’s soccer game, I’ve missed it anyway.