by Gow, Kailin
But I can't feel hurt for too long. Not with Xander's arms around my bared shoulders, showing me such attention, acting like he really is in love with me. Like he really wants me. Staci Atussi, my girlfriend. That's how he introduces me to everyone.
Like I matter to him.
Like he wants the whole world to know how much I matter to him.
“Save me,” he whispers. “From all the cougars and the sharks and the jaguars. Save me from everyone who smells money the way beasts of prey smell spilled blood. Save me from that, at least. All they want is a quick wedding and a quicker divorce – and a favorable prenup in the meanwhile.” His smile turns serious. “It isn't easy, you know,” he says, “being surrounded by people who only care for you because of your name, your money. And some of them don't even stay faithful for the six months it takes for them to fleece you.”
“You're not speaking from experience, are you?”
“Not my own,” he admits. “But remember Clarence Blue's wife, Roni?”
Roni Taylor? I remember her well enough. I remember her sniffing around Mr. X.'s room the other week. I remember that she's apparently one of the main shareholders and founders of the Blue Room. Not that she's ever been present in their day-to-day operations.
“I remember,” I say.
“She worked her way around all the Blues boys. Figured once Clarence got too old to be useful to her she could have a handsomer husband with the same fortune in his pocket. She's been with Terrence, with Danny...”
“With you?” I blurt it out before I can help myself. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business...”
“Let's just say I'm avoiding her at all costs,” Xander gives a little laugh. “She did say she was coming to this – sent me a letter asking if I was coming too. But that's a road I certainly don't want to go down on. That woman's not even separated from her comatose husband, and she's throwing herself relentlessly at both me and Terrence. Ever since Danny made it clear that he's only interested in that Never Knight girl, I think she's more desperate that one of us settle down with her instead. She's an ambitious woman, is Roni, but she's also a fool if she thinks I don't see right through her. I like women to love me for me.”
Do I love him for him?
I hardly know him.
I know the desire is there. I know that my feelings are strong. But I wonder how much of Mr. X's life I don't know about, even know. Until a few hours ago I didn't even know his name, or that he was a Blue. But does that matter? When he looks at me with those distinctive, piercing eyes of his, it feels like we know each other. That we understand one another. That we have the ability to make one another happy.
“Just keep her away from me?” He kisses me on the forehead, laughing. “You see, my darling, when Roni sees how in love with you I am, she'll know to back off.”
It shouldn't hurt, but it does. Is that why I'm here, I wonder? To keep Roni off Xander's back? Am I just a distraction, designed to get Roni out of the way? Or...am I his girlfriend?
This feels so real. It feels too real. It feels dangerous. He's using his real name. He's using my real name. Like we're an actual couple.
Then somebody taps on a champagne glass with a knife and the sound rings out across the room. It's time for Xander to make a speech.
“Just a second, darling.” He kisses me on the cheek and ascends to the front of the room.
“Now,” he says to the crowd, “the Blue Foundation is all about giving back. Making a difference in the lives of those who are less fortunate than we are. And in the past few weeks, I've realized how much changing someone's life really matters. My own life has been changed – irrevocably, completely – by falling in love. I am continually astounded, impressed, overwhelmed by my girlfriend, Staci.”
Roni is staring daggers at both of us.
His girlfriend, Staci. It sounds so nice.
How I wish it were true!
“I first fell in love with Staci the first time I heard her voice. She was singing at a cabaret not too far from here – a heavy rock song, but she sang with such incredible sweetness, such incredible, haunting beauty, it just overwhelmed me. Do you remember, Staci?”
Is he talking about the one and only night I sang at the Blue Room? Was he there for that?
“I remember,” I whisper.
“Do you remember the song you sang?”
I nod, slowly.
“Would you sing it now?”
Dazed, in shock – I feel like I'm in a dream – I open my mouth. My lips part and I sing the song again, a capella. My voice is light, nervous at first and then grows strong. My fear vanishes as I look into his eyes and see what is there: his look of devotion, his look of love.
When I am finished, the applause is overwhelming. Everyone is screaming “bravo!” at the top of their lungs, applauding my voice, applauding me.
Only Roni does not clap. She stares at me with eyes that make me afraid.
“Come on,” whispers Mr. X. He takes my hand. “Let's go.”
Before I can respond he has whisked me away – across the room, out of the building.
We drive in silence to the beach house. The moment we arrive, Mr. X. grabs hold of me and pulls down my dress, ripping off my clothes, making the most passionate love to me – it is unlike anything I have ever experienced. Intimate. Real. As though he wants to possess me, as though he cannot get enough.
“I've waited so long to see you again,” he whispers. “It's been excruciating, Staci. You're all I can think about.” Then he says it: the words I've been waiting for him to say without knowing it. “I want you to quit, Staci. Stop being a Blues Girl. Just be mine: all mine. That's all I ask.”
“I wish I could...” I sigh. But not until I know what's happened to Rita. “But there are reasons...”
“It's not safe for you, Staci. I know it.”
“What do you mean?”
He kisses me again. “I need to tell you, something, Staci. It's top secret, but the more I fall for you, the harder it is to keep things from you. I told you I was Clarence's distance cousin. But I didn't tell you the whole story. I'm not a patron, Staci – or at least, I wasn't. I was only involved in the business side of things. But once Clarence became debilitated, once that poor girl was killed...we were all nervous. Terrence wanted a man on the inside. A secret agent, if you will. Someone to take on the identity of the old Mr. X...” He sighs. “You see, Staci. I'm not the same Mr. X that was on the books before. I never knew Roz. But I had to pretend – to investigate Roz's murder.”
My mouth falls open.
Investigate Roz's murder.
For the first time, it feels like Mr. X. and I are on the same side.
“I wanted to tell you – but I couldn't. I wanted to keep you safe, keep our operation safe. But this...I never dreamed I'd fall for the only virgin at the club. You see, all this is new to me, too. All that about me being a playboy – that was a cover story. The relationships I have had indeed been romantic, authentic – I've never been to a call girl before in my life!” He sighs. “So – this. For me. It felt real. It still feels real. And if I've misread you, I apologize, but the truth is, it feels like it's real for you too.”
Tears spring to my eyes. “It is real,” I whisper.
I am overwhelmed by feelings of relief, of adoration, of love. I can trust Mr. X. Mr. X has feelings for me, too. He loves me, too. He isn't a liar – in fact, he's quite the opposite. He's helping to figure out what's rotten at the Blue Room. He's just like me.
“We have more in common than you could ever know,” I say.
“What do you mean?”
“I want to find out what happened to Roz, too,” I said. “That's why...that's why I asked to be assigned to you.”
He looks shocked, then laughs softly. “And I thought you might know something about Roz's death – the way you insisted on being assigned to Mr. X. I fear we have led one another off the path, my darling.”
“I want to stay in the Blue R
oom,” I say. “To help you. To figure out Roz's murder.” And what happened to Rita. That I do not add.
He kisses me. Gently. “But, my darling, I want you safe. And I fear I cannot keep you safe. The police stay far away from anything to do with the Blue family. And one girl has already been killed. This world isn't safe for you.” He sighs. “When I first saw you, I was so happy that my Blue Girl was the pretty girl I so loved talking to and seeing at the gym. But I'm worried for your safety. And I can't be your only patron – forever. I'm jealous – and I'm not sure I could stand that.”
I'd heard those words before – from another Blue, Terrence. He too was jealous of me being with other men. Was he extra-jealous, knowing that the patron I was falling for was his own cousin?
All I know is that right now, Xander Blue is the only Blue I want.
Chapter 10
My night with Mr. X. turns into another weekend at his beach house. Another idyll. Another paradise. Once again I feel that familiar sense of security: that I've never been this happy before, that I'll never be this happy again. It's different from the last time, though. This time I know his name. This time he knows all about me. We're no longer prostitute and client, undercover agent and mark. We're just two people, getting to know one another, falling slowly into something that might be love. I forget about everything else: the rest of the Blue Room, the whole outside world. Even Rita. I just focus on learning about Mr. X: what books he likes (19th century English literature), what he likes to eat (Italian), his favorite flavors and spices, (chili peppers) his favorite music (jazz and classical). Every hour with him is the start of a new adventure, a new way of understanding him.
“Staci?”
“Yes, Xander?” I love saying his name.
“Come to bed, Staci,” his smile is wicked.
“Yes, Xander.” I could say his name over and over every second of my life. That's how happy I am right now. That's how happy I am with him.
He starts by licking my shoulders, my neck. He bites softly, his teeth closing down around my quivering flesh. He follows up every ounce of pain he inflicts with delirious pleasure. Biting, then licking. Caressing, then bruising. A pattern that brings me to the brink of orgasm, every single time. But it's only when he's inside of me, thrusting with an intensity I have never known before, that I come – for the first time, crying out his name when I do. I feel so close to him, with him inside me, with so little separating my body from his. I never want this to end.
Would it be worth it, I wonder? If only I knew where Rita was – I could leave behind the Blue Room. Be Xander Blue's girlfriend. Be – can I even dare to think about it? – Mrs. Xander Blue.
I like the thought.
“I love having you here,” Xander whispers. “I wish I could have you in my bed every night of my life. I wish I could have you in my bed, every night to come.”
This time I don't wonder whether or not it's real.
But then Monday comes. And I resent it – every part of it. I resent having to go back to the Blue Room. I want to stay here with Xander, forever.
“Just think about it,” that's all he says. “Being my girlfriend. My love. I'll take care of you. I'll keep you safe.”
I'm in a dream. And it's only when I get back to my room, see the cell phone I've left on the desk, see the ten missed calls from Terrence, that I realize how long I've been gone. How much I've missed.
I have to talk to you, he'd said.
I call the number back; it's been disconnected.
But when I go straight to his office, I find it empty, locked. His name isn't even on the door.
I see Ben in the hallway.
“Ben? What's going on?”
“What do you mean?”
“Terrence. His office is locked. He said he wanted to meet....”
“You didn't hear?” Ben smiles. “Where have you been all weekend? The board voted him out on Friday.”
“What?”
“Apparently all that stuff with Roz – not to mention you. They thought it was unprofessional.”
“Do you know where he went?”
I realize, with a jolt, that this is my last hope. I can't ask Mrs. Walters – she's not supposed to know anything about the relationship between a Blue Room owner and a Blue girl. I can't ask Xander – that would make him jealous.
Ben shrugs.
“Ben – please! Anything you know – anything at all...”
My heart sinks. I hadn't expected to be at Xander's beach house all weekend. I'd expected to go back to the hotel after the gala. Terrence had wanted to meet with me – he'd said it was too important – and now it was too late.
“I have no idea,” says Ben. “He was always really private about his personal life. Some of the owners, they move into the Towers. Not Terrence. He always wanted some part of his life outside the Blue Room. Some part of his own.”
“I let him down...” I feel the tears come, streaking down my cheeks. “Oh, Ben, I let him down! He wanted to talk – he said it was important – I figured he just wanted to hook up or something. Had I known he was...” I stop myself. I shouldn't talk about Terrence and Xander's plan to find Roz's killer inside the Blue Room. Not even in front of a friend like Ben. “I just I got attached to him, after all. And now he's gone.”
“Word of advice.” Ben's voice is almost cold. “Don't get attached. Makes everything simpler. Remember, Staci… here, everybody's expendable.”
“I hate this place sometimes,” I say, out loud.
“Careful. The wrong person might hear you.” His grin is sardonic and full of pain. “And then you'll end up like Roz, too.” He crosses his arms. “Good riddance, I say. One of the sons-of-bitches who run this place is gone. A playboy who thinks he can harass the staff, sleep with the people who work on their back to make this place run. Maybe his replacement will actually make this place legitimate for a change. Who needs a drunken, loutish, idiot playboy like Terrence Blue around? The things he oversaw here – I'm surprised you so much as looked at him, let alone let him touch you.”
“He isn't like that.”
“They all are. The whole Blue Family. Rotten, through and through. To the core. Don't you dare get corrupted by them. By any of them. I thought you were better than that.”
I wonder if he knows about Xander Blue.
I'm taken aback by Ben's harsh words. By his harsh tone. There's so much pain in his eyes – I can only imagine how much he's been through.
“Ben...I'm sorry, I didn't mean.”
“Don't waste your tears on them,” he says, “or you're no better than they are.”
He turns on his heel and walks out, leaving me alone, banging in vain on that locked door.
But without Terrence – leading Xander's undercover operation – how am I ever going to find out who killed Roz?
Epilogue
Terrence Blue
I'll forget Staci Atussi. That's what I tell myself. There's a dozen like her in every club in LA. That's what I remind myself.
We were just hooking up, that's all. I didn't mind when she went off with Xander for a bit of fun. When she went to that gala. When she didn't call me back. When she didn't go home. I mean, I'm not made for monogamy; why should she be? I never have a shortage of options. I could have called any one of a dozen girls and told them to come over for a bit of late-night naughtiness and all of them would have been over in a heartbeat. Maybe at the same time.
So why didn't I call one of them? Why was I still thinking about her?
I'd wanted to drink away the stress – getting booted from the Blue Room by my own family isn't exactly my ideal way of spending a Friday afternoon – but I tell myself that doesn't matter. I have money. What do I need to work for? What do I need responsibility for? I can just drink, smoke, have sex, have fun.
Though I shouldn't drink around here. The Golden Canyon is full of addicts in rehab: their rules are strict. Nothing mind-altering on the premises. So I'm totally sober. Waiting with my bouquet of brigh
t yellow sunflowers, wearing a nice polo top, slacks – the preppy look. I figure “clean-cut” probably goes over well around here.
A beautiful girl with luscious, chocolate-dark hair walks uncertainly toward me. It takes me a while to recognize her face. It takes her a while to recognize me – the staff member have to point me out. The eyes are the same as ever: bright and loving. But there's a hollowness in all of her. The bruises have healed. The plastic surgery isn't quite finished – her face looks different, somehow.
But her inner light hasn't abated in the least.
She smiles vaguely when she sees the flowers.
I take her in my arms, plant a big kiss on her cheeks. It's the first time, I realize, I've kissed a girl platonically in a long, long time.
Her beautiful blue eyes search mine. And I think – I just want to make this girl happy. Make her smile. She deserves that, after all she's been through. She deserves that from somebody.
“Your favorite,” I say. I take pains to keep my voice calm and slow. “Sunflowers. You always liked these, back in the Blue Room. Insisted on filling your room with them. They made you happy, didn't they?”
She nods and takes the sunflowers. But she can't hold them too tightly and they fall, between her fingers, to the floor.
“How are you feeling? They’re treating you OK, here?”
She barely nods. She leans on her cane and sways before I help her to a bench.
“You're walking now, huh?”
Another vague nod.
“You look better.” The last time I saw her, she was a mess of blood and bone. You couldn't even see her face, she'd been beaten up so bad. Nobody expected her to survive. “You were always the prettiest girl in any joint. Even here.” I brush the hair away from her face. She flinches at my touch – the fear pains me. “Don't be scared,” I say. “There. A pretty flower for a pretty girl.”
It hurts to see her like this. When I look at her, I still think of how she was when I found her – beaten to a pulp, by someone who meant to kill her. To make the pain last. I can't imagine anyone being cruel enough, hateful enough, to do something like that to a girl like her.