by S S Bazinet
“Thank you, Mike. Your understanding means the world to me.”
He managed a smile as he replied. “Good. Now tell me what this is all about.” He tried to pretend for her sake, to assume the role of a gallant counselor. “What’s going on?”
“Mike, I met someone. His name is Kevin.”
He felt the impact of her message hit him with a brutal force. It came out of nowhere, crushing his chest. He couldn’t breathe.
You idiot! You wouldn’t admit it, but you’ve been pretending that Carol was another Justina.
He knew it now, but it had been an unconscious act up until a second ago.
And I pretended that Carol cared about me, that she wanted me. Oh, how utterly stupid I am.
Carol’s next message came up on the screen. “Mike, I didn’t plan it. It just happened, out of the blue, isn’t that weird?”
He still couldn’t breathe.
Don’t talk to me, Carol! We have nothing to say to each other!
Grabbing the computer mouse, he positioned it over the log off button. For a moment, he was a stationary object, rooted to the ground of his own folly. Then the pain flooded in. It was a kind of pain that he’d felt once before, long ago, when he was stabbed by a sailor over a game of cards. But that knife had entered his shoulder. Carol’s knife penetrated his heart.
Another message appeared on the monitor. “Mike, did you mean it? Am I forgiven?”
He sucked in his breath, his mind spinning, unable to get a grip on anything. He went into an auto-response mode. His hand eased off of the mouse. He typed a reply.
“Sure.”
He could practically feel Carol’s relief when he read her next message.
“You’re the best.”
“Right.”
Carol typed on. “Now tell me your news.”
A few minutes earlier, his news made him queasy. It made him feel small and guilty. Now, all that changed. His feelings were in transition. They were in a temporary limbo. He felt quite stoic about confessing his wrong doing. What did he care what Carol thought of him? He already knew that he didn’t matter. There was someone else in her life. As his mind turned over the concept of the person she called Kevin, the stoicism was replaced by anger, the deep smoldering kind that came from his gut.
So I never meant a damned thing. I was just some loser you used when you were lonely. Thanks a helluva lot, Carol.
Suddenly the anger exploded. It went from smoldering to flaming resentment. His hands clawed at the keyboard. His words were fast and cutting. He wanted to hurt Carol like she’d hurt him. He wanted to retaliate.
“How can you be so uncaring? I actually thought you liked me. But you’re like the rest. This whole damn world is pitiless.” Before he sent the message, his hand stalled for a moment. In that brief space of time, he glimpsed a bit of gold sticking out from under some papers on his desk. He swallowed hard as his hands left the keyboard. He knew what had caught his eye. Reaching out, he retrieved the gilded frame that housed the picture of Justina.
Oh my darling! I miss you so much. You were the only one I could ever count on.
He fingered her face slowly, forgetting about keyboards and confessions and Carol. Justina began filling up his mind, mixing with the pain in his heart, turning back time. He could see her so clearly. She was standing in his arms, laughing with him, loving him. She was telling him something.
As he listened to her whispering in his ear, he began deleting the message on the monitor. He watched as all of his hateful words disappeared. Long ago, he’d hurt the one person he loved. Now he was trying to hurt this woman named Carol.
Why? Because she told a lie? Because she found someone to love? What right do I have to chastise her for that?
Instead, he knew that he’d tell her the truth about himself, except of course for one important fact. He’d leave out the part about being a vampire for a hundred years.
As he began typing again, his expressions of anger were replaced by a simple message. “I’ve lied to you too, Carol, even about my name. I’m not Mike. My name is Arel.”
* * * * *
Carol didn’t interrupt the message that came across her screen, a paragraph at a time. She was too stunned, too angry.
“So, dear Carol, now you know who I really am,” Arel concluded. “I’m a fraud and a liar, but most of all, I guess that I’m a coward. I don’t expect forgiveness. I do expect that we’ll part ways now. I’m sorry. I wish you the best.”
Carol’s eyes narrowed as she read his closing statement. “Wait a minute!” she typed back. “I’m not letting you off the hook that easy, AREL!” She was shouting the words in her mind each time she sent her replies.
Arel’s response was slow in coming. “What do you mean? What more can I say?”
Carol never thought of herself as a fighter. In fact, she hated conflict. But her hackles were up, and she was furious. She had lied once. The man she thought of as honorable had been lying all along, playing her like some patsy.
“Listen to me. I think you owe me a few more minutes. Sure you can disconnect right now and run away from facing this situation, but I don’t think that you should.”
The answer was very slow in coming this time.
“Why not?”
She scowled at the screen, trying to remember that only a few minutes ago, she was talking to a friend, a friend who had cheered her up on countless occasions, a friend who advised her about how to feel better about herself. She couldn’t simply forget all that. Mike or Arel, whatever his name, was more than his lies. He was a person who had to be hurting to resort to such devious ways of communicating.
“I just thought of something,” she typed. “A couple of days ago you told me that you needed to have this conversation. Why did you want to blow your cover? Did you want to get rid of me? End our friendship?”
His answer was almost immediate. “No!”
“Then why?” she asked, still angry.
“I couldn’t lie anymore. Because I really like you, Carol. I haven’t had anyone, not in a long, long time. You were my friend. When I really believed that, I wanted to tell you the truth.”
She blinked and took a deep breath. She could feel her resolve to stay angry melting. It wasn’t in her nature to hold a grudge.
“What are we going to do with you, Arel?” she typed.
Again, there was a long pause. “Do with me? What do you mean?”
She smiled sympathetically. After so many hours of talking with Arel, she could feel his alarm.
“I’ve been thinking. You and I have something in common. We’ve both hidden ourselves from the real world of relationship. But now that I’ve met someone, I realize how silly I’ve been. I should have broken out of my shell years ago. And that’s what you need to do.”
This time she waited, but he didn’t reply.
“Arel? Mike? What would you like me to call you?”
After a moment she got an answer.
“Arel.”
She said the name aloud.
“That’s a beautiful name. It fits you when I think about the bottom line.”
“What bottom line?”
“I forgive you. You’re still my friend if that’s what you want.”
Again, no reply. She realized that he hadn’t expected her to forgive him.
“Would you like to stay friends?” she typed back.
“I guess so.”
“And one more thing,” she added.
“What’s that?”
“I have to know where you live. Not your address, just the city you live in. Please.”
A very long pause. Finally, a one word response. “Why?”
“Just tell me, silly! It’s no big deal.”
Again, no reply.
“My goodness, I think you’re more introverted than I am. But you can tell me the city, right?”
“Chicago.”
“Really? I live in Chicago too,” she replied. “Arel, I’m getting a very strong hunch.
We definitely need to meet and have a cup of coffee together.”
“No. I don’t drink coffee. I forgot to include that in my list of lies. I’m sorry.”
“Tea? Soda?”
“I’ve got to go.”
“Wait a second, please. Meet me at the Salt and Pepper Diner, on Clark Street, on Thursday night. Eight o’clock. I won’t take no for an answer. Bye.”
She sent the last message and logged off before he could refuse. Afterwards, she sat staring at the monitor. She often had a sense about people that she attributed to womanly intuition.
“Peggy was so wrong about you, Arel. You’re not dangerous. You’re a very frightened soul. I’m sure of it.”
Eighteen
MICHAEL STOOD NEXT to Abrigail as they both observed Arel from the bottom of his grand, king-sized bed. Arel had taken refuge there ever since his interaction with Carol. He stared at Michael with glowering eyes, eyes that were almost the same color as the fancy linens. Like a shrinking, young prince holding court, Arel lay propped up on a half dozen, silky, cognac-gold pillows. The matching, di Firenze, luxury bedspread had been kicked aside, but now he was clutching at it as he covered himself again. Michael came forward beseechingly, preparing himself for a conversation.
Arel returned a wrathful look. “Whatever you’ve come here to say, I don’t want to hear it.”
Michael sighed. “I know, but we need to talk.”
Abrigail leaned in on the bottom bed rail and smiled. “Dearest, it’s not good for you or your body to stay in bed.”
Arel’s unhappy scowl deepened. “From now on I’ll decide what’s good for me. And as for being in this bed, I’m never leaving it again. I don’t care how long it takes. I’m staying here until I die.”
Michael glanced at Abrigail and then back at Arel. They had both been monitoring Arel’s energy. It was plummeting under another assault of self-pity.
“We’re here because we care,” Abrigail said.
Michael came around to the side of the bed. “I can’t stand by and let you waste away like this,” he said softly. “You asked me to help you, and I promised that I would.”
Arel stiffened. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Michael reached out and took hold of the coverlet. He began to pull it back.
Arel’s scowl turned into a glare of outrage as his bony fingers held tight to the bedding. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Michael’s eyes were kind but resolute. “You’re going to get up and exercise, even if it’s just a few turns around the room.”
“Get away!”
“No, I’m sorry,” Michael said as he continued to tug at the cover. His strength far exceeded Arel’s pitiful efforts, and he was successful in not only pulling the blanket towards him, he was moving Arel’s clinging body to the edge of the bed.
At the last moment, before he was thrown off entirely, Arel let go. “Damn you! You can’t do this!”
Throwing the cover aside, Michael reached out for Arel this time. “Just get up and move around a little, please.”
Like a wild, terrified animal, Arel jerked back, but Michael was quicker and snagged his arm. The battle that ensued was a fierce one, with Arel kicking and yelling obscenities as Michael forced him from his bed. It wasn’t a long battle. After a minute, Arel seemed to know he was doomed and quit struggling as quickly as he’d started. This time, he went limp, trying to collapse to the floor. Again, Michael wouldn’t let him have his way. Supporting Arel under his arms, he held on to him. “You have to walk, even if it’s only a few feet.”
“I won’t! I won’t do anything ever again.”
“Dearest, please, your wellbeing is at stake,” Abrigail said as she joined them. She held out her arms in a welcoming gesture as Michael handed over Arel’s sagging body. Arel collapsed against her, a burden being shifted from one angel to another. Abrigail held him tight and rocked him gently. “We couldn’t possibly stand by and let you die like this.”
Arel came to life just enough to hang on to her, but he was in full scale victim mode. “No one would care if I died. I thought I had a friend, but Carol has thrown me aside like a piece of rubbish.”
“That’s not true,” Michael insisted. “Now let’s take a small stroll around the room. You need to keep your body going.”
“I said no!” Arel cried out, grasping at Abrigail like he’d grasped at the blanket. Raising his head briefly, he looked at her with eyes that were better suited to the city pound and the poor animals waiting hopelessly in their pens. “Don’t let him bully me, Abrigail!” He buried his head in her shoulder. “I don’t want to go on trying in a world that’s only waiting to punish me further.”
Abrigail gave him a motherly hug. “Michael loves you. That’s why he’s doing this. I love you too.”
“You say that, but what good is it?”
“We’re here for you. Don’t you feel that?”
Arel finally lifted his head again. “I don’t understand why the world has to be so cruel.” As he slumped with weariness, he began to disengage his tight grasp, allowing Abrigail to take one of his arms as Michael took the other.
Abrigail encouraged him to take a step. “I believe in so much more than cruelty, and I believe that you deserve so much more.”
Arel took two steps and balked again. “You two can gang up on me and force me to leave my bed, but there is no way that I’m going to meet Carol. Is that understood?”
Michael turned him around and gave him a fatherly look. “Neither I nor Abrigail would ever force you to do something like that. We’re simply trying to make your life easier. Lying in bed, waiting for death would not be enjoyable, believe me.”
Arel stared back at him and let out a deep, wretched sigh. “She’s horrible, Michael. Carol is a traitor.”
“Is she? Or do you want to see her that way?”
“She lied!”
“So did you.”
“She betrayed me!”
“How?”
Arel’s body slumped again. “I thought she liked me.”
“She did, and she still does. Why else would she want to meet you?”
“Who knows? She might be twisted. She might want to humiliate me for lying to her.” He hesitated, but finally glanced up at Michael. “I can’t believe I’m asking for your advice again, but do you think I’m right about her?”
“I don’t think that at all, but I won’t tell you that you should meet her either.”
“Why? What do you know?”
“What I know is that you’re free to make up your own mind about Carol.”
“You’re keeping something from me, aren’t you?”
When he didn’t get an answer, Arel turned and looked at Abrigail. Her eyes were full of compassion, but she shrugged.
Arel began to take a few steps on his own, paused and reached out for Michael and Abrigail’s support. “That’s just great. Two angels are here with me, and they don’t know a damn thing. How is that possible?”
It was Michael’s turn to shrug. How could he tell Arel the truth? Arel wouldn’t believe it, but it was clear that Arel’s own soul was keeping secrets from Arel’s conscious mind and from them.
Nineteen
THE CAFÉ WAS one of Carol’s favorite places to have lunch. Bright colors dominated the fifty’s theme, along with chrome legged tables and chairs. A rocket ship flying across the wall announced the name of the diner. She sat in a booth across from Peggy, smiling. “Strange, I didn’t grow up with this style, but I like the cozy feeling. I would have suggested meeting Mike here, I mean Arel, but it isn’t open in the evening.”
Peggy put her napkin down and reached in her purse for her lipstick. “I’m relieved that you asked me to be there when you meet him. He sounds like he’s the shady type.”
“I don’t think so. I know that he’s a liar, but I think it’s because he’s so insecure.”
Peggy smoothed the lipstick over her lips and then put the lid back on with a snap
. “This from the woman who recently described this creep as the man of her dreams.”
“You’re not helping. If you’re going to be like that, I don’t want you to come with me.”
Peggy’s furrowed brows remained fixed, but she sat back. “I’m sorry. I’m just looking out for your best interests.”
“If you want what’s best for me, please try to be more positive. I need support, not criticism. That’s why I liked Arel. He was always nice. Whether he was talking about a book we both read, or he was giving me advice on how to be kind to myself, he was polite and sweet.” She paused and lifted her chin. “So don’t call him a creep. He was my friend, and he’s still my friend.”
Peggy’s brown eyes widened in surprise. “Wow, you can really be very strong when you want to be.”
“I’ve had to be. In fact, I know a little more about the darker side of life than you realize.”
“Like what?”
“Remember how I told you that I was very young when I got married?”
“Yes.”
“I ran away from home when I was almost seventeen. I lived on the streets for a few months before I met someone and got married. Believe me, I know all about the shadier side of life and having to protect myself.”
Peggy didn’t respond, but stared back with alert, questioning eyes.
Carol shifted nervously. “Are you alright? I didn’t shock you, did I?”
“Sorry,” Peggy said, getting her voice back. “It’s just that you’re so steady, so down home, so pure. I would never, in a million years, ever guess that you had that kind of background.”
“Well, I was, you know, pure and innocent before I got the stupid idea to run away.”
“Why did you?”
“I don’t know. My parents loved me. I never wanted for anything. But they went through a very painful divorce. And I couldn’t stand it. I adored them both. To watch them argue constantly, tearing apart all the things that I loved was too much. One day I just ran away from it all and started hitch hiking.”
“Did they try to find you?”