by S S Bazinet
“Of course not! I love Kevin. I do!” Peggy cried out.
“Of course you do,” Arel said quickly. “Besides, there’s more to it. You left before I had a chance to discuss Kevin’s part in all of this, his lack of responsibility.”
Peggy flashed sad but hopeful eyes in his direction. “What do you mean?”
“I think that it works like this. We all play roles for each other in each life. In this one, Kevin never really stopped you from doing what you do, even as an adult, did he? Deep down, I don’t believe that he wanted to stop you.”
“He’s tried,” Peggy protested. “But I’m too much of a bully to let him.”
“No, I don’t believe that’s it,” Tim said. “Kevin can stand up for himself if he really wants to.”
“It’s true,” Arel agreed. “He let you stay in that role. Now he’s backing away from a new responsibility, being a husband and father.”
“But why would he do that? And why did he let me hurt him? What part did he have in our past life together?”
Arel gestured to the living room. “Let’s go sit down, and we can talk about what I know.”
Ninety-Two
CAROL'S FINGERS TREMBLED as she buttoned up her flannel pajamas. She looked over at the corner chair. “My world is coming apart, Charlie Bear. I’m going to be one of those moms who have to raise their baby alone.”
She paused listening to the sound of the television in the living room. Kevin had come home from the hospital that afternoon, but he went straight to the couch and had remained there for the last six hours. She snatched up the bear, took him back to her bed, and climbed in. “Kevin hardly talks to me anymore. He’s made it plain that he doesn’t want to be with me.”
She looked over at the shopping bag in the corner. A yellow teddy bear peeked out over the rim. Arel had purchased an early baby gift and hadn’t been able to resist giving it to Carol right away. She’d loved it when she first saw it, now it made her sad. She swiped at her eyes, then dug down into the nearly empty tissue box and snagged a tissue.
“Kevin should be that excited,” she sniffled. “But the truth is that he doesn’t really want to be a father. Peggy was right. He refuses to grow up.” She blew her nose and threw the tissue into the overflowing trash can. “So I’ll have to be the strong one.” She turned out the light and slid down under the covers. She held Charlie in a hug and stared out at the darkness. “I know what it feels like to be forgotten by parents who get too involved in their own problems. I refuse to let that happen to our child.”
* * * * *
Arel groaned as Michael shook him awake. “Go away. Too tired.” After his episode at the hospital the day before and his talk with Peggy and Tim afterwards, he’d gone to bed early, hoping to recharge his batteries. He’d slept for ten hours straight. He would have slept longer if it weren’t for Michael urging him to open his eyes. “What? What’s the problem?” he asked, trying to pull the cover over his head.
Michael shook him again. “Carol is waiting for you upstairs.”
“Carol is here?” He threw back the cover and stared hard at the angel, trying to understand his message. As his mind started working again, he frowned. “What about Kevin?”
“Carol said that he’s home from the hospital, but that’s all she said.”
Arel grunted out a protest as he forced himself out of bed. “Maybe Carol’s like Peggy. She probably just needs someone to talk to.” He stretched, did a couple of neck rolls and went to the closet to retrieve some clothes. He was still trying to button up his shirt as he started for the bedroom door. He paused and glanced back at his bed. “Maybe after Carol’s gone, I’ll climb back in for a nap.”
Michael held up a hand and gestured for him to wait. “I better fill you in on everything. Carol has a suitcase with her.”
“A suitcase?”
“I think she’s left Kevin.”
“Oh hell, not now. The poor guy’s in trouble, Michael, and you said that my job was to believe in him, but he doesn’t believe in himself. Now, if Carol’s left him, I don’t know what to say to either of them.”
“Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen.”
Arel grimaced. “Don’t you know that this is a crisis? What other suggestions do you have?”
“Don’t try to take on both of their problems at the same time. Work with Carol now, and then you can talk to Kevin.”
“Is that the best you can come up with? What about a miracle?”
“I believe in them, don’t you?”
Arel paused in front of his dresser mirror and took a long look at himself. “Yes, I guess I do. I’m still here. I haven’t incinerated myself yet or blown myself up.”
Michael smiled. “Maybe when you go upstairs, you can do a little angel work.”
“Angel work? No way. I’m swearing off all my idealistic ideas. After yesterday’s fiasco at the hospital and nearly sending Peggy into a state of guilt-ridden despair, I’m going to keep my mouth shut, period.”
* * * * *
Arel sat in his chair, eyes forward, observing Carol's strange attitude. He’d changed his mind. He decided that he did want to help, but Carol wasn’t letting him. She sat stoically at the kitchen table, not asking for anything. Instead, she quietly sipped her morning tea. Wearing a linen dress instead of her usual slacks and t-shirt, she held up her chin. When she spoke, her tone was crisp and curt. He felt like they were having a business meeting instead of a friend-to-friend chat.
“Can I get you anything else? I could make you breakfast,” he suggested.
“No, thanks. I stopped and had something on the way over. And again, I want to say ‘Thank you’ for letting me stay here for a few days. It’s only until Kevin can move back into a place of his own. After that, I’m going to arrange to work from home.” She paused for a moment and folded her napkin neatly before she looked up again. “I have to act like an adult now that I’m having a baby. There’s no more time to behave childishly.”
“It sounds like you’ve thought a lot about what you want to do.”
The set of Carol’s mouth tightened. “What a person wants and what is required are two separate things.”
“What about you and Kevin?”
Carol sucked in her breath, then shrugged as if she’d been asked about the weather. “I can’t worry about him.” She put her hand on her stomach. “If I have my say, this baby is not going to be saddled with a couple of emotional cripples.”
“You know that I’ll do whatever I can to help, but maybe you’re dismissing Kevin too quickly. He needs—”
“Arel, please, you’re the person I thought about when I was making the decision to change my life. You didn’t stay a casualty of your situation. My goodness, look at you. You’re strong and capable of doing whatever you want to do.”
“I had lots of support.”
Carol’s eyes were locked into a grim determination. “Whatever, the point is you’re doing fine. And you did a great job at the hospital too. You put an end to the battle that Peggy and Kevin had going. Unfortunately, Kevin won’t even fight with me.” Carol smiled and frowned at the same time. “But I won’t worry about that anymore.”
Arel sat back, almost afraid to disturb the unusual air of containment that surrounded Carol, but he was her friend. If she needed to express herself more openly, he wanted to be there for her. “Tell me, where did this new Carol come from? You always struck me as a little more fragile.”
The question made Carol pull back slightly, but otherwise, she seemed unmovable. She gave him another frowning smile. “That’s easy. I’m tired of crying, and I’m tired of putting myself through the emotional wringer. It doesn’t help.”
He pressed on bravely. “I hear you, but expressing your feelings can take the pressure off. I know that you want the best for your child, but are you forgetting about yourself, about needing a loving partner?”
“Kevin has taken that choice off of the table.” As Carol spoke, a tear slipped down
her cheek. She quickly batted it away. “So, if that’s the way it is, I have to forget my needs and desires and concentrate on being a parent.”
“I see.” He’d come upstairs prepared to hold Carol’s hand, to dry her tears, but he wasn’t prepared to hear that she’d given up on a loving relationship. He leaned forward. “I know you can do whatever you set out to do, but maybe, just maybe, you can have everything that you want. And if you let me, I’m going to do everything in my power to help you to achieve that goal. All that you have to do is agree to let me try.”
Carol pushed her cup and saucer away. Then she got up from her chair and brushed down her dress. Bending over, she kissed his cheek. “You’re the most loyal friend I’ll ever have. I’ll keep an open mind because I believe in you too, but let me warn you now, I think Kevin is a lost cause.”
As Carol let him go, Arel could tell that she was fighting to stay strong and succeeding. He hoped he could be just as strong. “I’m determined to prove you wrong.”
“I’m happy that one of us can dream,” Carol said as she started out of the room. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to make some calls.”
Watching her leave, Arel frowned too.
She wants Kevin. I know she does. And I know he wants her.
But desire didn’t guarantee anything. If it did, he would have married Justina and lived out a long and happy life with the woman he loved. Now, he might have to accept that another love story was going to end tragically.
No, I can’t and won’t accept that without at least trying to change the situation.
Ninety-Three
KEVIN WOKE UP, touched his swollen face, and pulled back with a wince. He started to get up and pain shot through his bruised ribs. He had to stop halfway up and grit his teeth. If he’d been alone, he’d let out a yell of pain, but he didn’t want to let Carol hear him.
She’s already completely turned off when she looks at me. And can I blame her? I’m screwed up.
Peggy was right. He’d run out into traffic like a child. What was wrong with him? As he limped his way to the bathroom, he stopped. The bedroom door was open. When he investigated further, he noted that there were a number of empty hangers dangling in the closet, all on Carol’s side.
“What the hell?” Making his way through the apartment, he started to get a queasy feeling. “Carol, where are you?”
He went back to the bedroom, scanning it carefully, still trying to deny the obvious. That’s when he realized that it wasn’t just clothes that were missing. “Charlie’s gone.” The old, stuffed bear that always sat on the chair close to Carol’s side of the bed was also missing. Kevin’s stomach flip-flopped. He was sick.
I’ve driven her away with all my crap!
His first thought was to find her. His second thought was to sit down and think about what to say when he accomplished that goal. He drew a blank. But he had to get her back. Carol and the baby were the most important things in his life.
The next thought made him even queasier. He’d have to call Arel, again. Before he could find his cell phone, it rang. It was Arel’s ringtone. Arel was calling him.
* * * * *
As Arel drove to Kevin’s apartment, he went over his list. No preaching. No judgment. No fixing. The last item was the most important. He wasn’t going to interfere with other people’s lives ever again. He’d simply be Kevin’s friend.
He repeated his intention a couple of times as he walked up to Kevin’s unit. Straightening his shoulders, he knocked on the door and waited. He knocked again. Another long wait. “Come on, Kevin, where are you?”
When the door finally cracked open, Kevin hung unto its edge. He looked out with an unwelcoming expression of pain. “Hi Arel, glad you’re here.”
Arel noted the distaste in Kevin’s tone. It could have been used on a funeral director after someone died. He’d been hoping to project a better image than that. “Glad to be here,” he said, trying to muster some enthusiasm. That enthusiasm waned very quickly. After using his new “aura vision” to scan Kevin, he knew the young man was in trouble. His energy field was even duller and more muddied than before. The guy was a walking orb of gloom and doom.
Arel made a decision. He’d forget about auras during the visit. They were too distracting. That left the physical side of things. In Kevin’s case it wasn’t pretty either. The man’s face was like raw meat that oozed. Instead of fixating on it, Arel reached out and tapped Kevin’s arm gingerly. “Are you going to invite me in?”
“Yeah, sure. Come in,” Kevin said as he turned and led the way to the living room. Each step seemed labored, with Kevin adopting a hunched over posture as he held his side. Arel followed him, remembering the hospital. He’d seen people with walkers who moved faster than Kevin. “Do you need something for the pain?” he asked with concern.
“No, not right now,” Kevin said as he slowly seated himself on the sofa. “So, I haven’t asked, but how are you?”
Arel took a seat across from the couch. “I’m just fine, thanks.”
Kevin’s eyes went from cloudy to resentful. “Well, I’m not fine. I’m in deep shit. Carol’s left me, and it’s all my fault. I’ve messed up everything.” He clenched a damaged fist and winced. “Dammit, it makes me so mad?”
Arel sighed penitently. The glass breaking rampage he’d gone on after Mrs. Hayes’ death was still a cause for regret. He sat up straighter, trying to forget his own shortcomings, searching for something he could offer Kevin that might help. Michael’s words of wisdom came to mind. “I know how that is, but getting angry isn’t going to get Carol back.” Next, he threw in his own observation. “But let’s face facts, there’s a lot going on here besides your problem with Carol. A car hit you.”
“I wasn’t paying attention. You should know all about that. How many times did you forget about traffic when I was getting you back in shape?”
“Yes, you’re right.” Their training workouts were still fresh in Arel’s mind. He’d been the intimidated rookie, struggling to put one foot in front of the other. All the while Kevin growled out orders with all the compassion of a well-trained Rottweiler.
I didn’t pay attention for a reason. The only way that I had the strength to keep going was to indulge in some fantasies.
He’d conjured up countless ways to make Kevin disappear, to transport him to the other side of the planet. Even now, the daydreams could be sweet when he thought about Kevin’s coaching methods. But his present visit wasn’t about Arel’s difficulties. He took a deep breath, pushing back the memories. “I was simply preoccupied. I wasn’t out to hurt myself.”
“And you think that I was?”
“I don’t believe in accidents, but here you are, in all this pain. So tell me what happened.”
Kevin glared at him. “Let it go! I need your help, not reminders of my mistakes.” His tone was sharp and reprimanding.
“I’m trying to help.”
“Well, it’s not working!”
“I’m doing my best!” As soon as Arel realized he was raising his voice too, he tried to correct the situation. He had to remain calm and let Kevin vent. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to shout,” he said as he offered Kevin his most understanding smile. “I’m not saying that you did anything wrong.”
“But you’re thinking it, aren’t you? You think I’m a jerk, that I’ve been horrible to Carol.”
Arel stiffened, holding back his feelings. He wouldn’t say what was obvious.
Of course you’re a jerk! Carol is alone and afraid too, but she’s putting aside her feelings, trying to be mature. She’s taking responsibility!
The thoughts fired off in Arel’s brain, making him ashamed of himself. Who was he to judge? He’d been a jerk countless times. Yet Michael was always kind and understanding. “All of us make mistakes, Kevin, but there are reasons why we act like we do.”
Kevin let out a loud moan. “Forget that crap, just help me get Carol back. Tell me what I need to do to show her that I care.”
> “First you have to understand why you’re acting this way.”
“Dammit! I need some advice!”
The Rottweiler’s bark was back, but Arel was determined to stay in control. “No, you need to stop hiding from what’s bothering you.”
Kevin targeted him with a sullen, defiant face, refusing to answer.
“Please, Kevin, don’t be like this. I’m trying to be your friend. Don’t shut me out.” Again, he found himself in Michael’s position, having to deal with someone who was stubborn and unyielding. He glanced heavenward.
And I hate it!
His fingers went from rubbing the chair fabric to drumming out a staccato beat of frustration. Kevin was leaving him no choice. He already knew all the answers to the questions he was asking. He’d seen Kevin’s problems clear as day when he sucked in his energy at the hospital. Still, he knew what Michael did in similar situations. He didn’t push. He let Arel figure things out.
But this isn’t just about Kevin, I have to think about Carol too.
It was time for a little directive counseling. “Tell me about the dream.”
Kevin’s gaze had been directed at the floor. Now he glared up at Arel. “What?”
“You’ve been having a bad dream. Tell me about it.”
“How could you know about that?”
A flush of embarrassment warmed Arel’s face and he stared back mutely. What could he say to the young man?
Sorry, Kevin, I violated your privacy when I sucked up all your energy yesterday.
Kevin gave him a threatening scowl. “I asked you a question.”
“I can’t explain it. I guess I’m a little like Peggy. Sometimes, I know things.”
“Yeah, well you and Peggy can both stop interfering in stuff that’s none of your business.”
“I’m asking you these things because I care.”
“I said ‘No,’ and that’s final!”
Arel took a deep, slow breath and stood up, going over to where Kevin was sitting. He gave himself explicit instructions before he continued.