The Ice Monster

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The Ice Monster Page 15

by David Walliams


  Tears rolled down Elsie’s face again, as Dotty and Titch put their arms round the girl and held her tight. The storm passed as quickly as it had appeared, leaving the three alone on the Arctic wasteland.

  If the long sail back to London was sombre, the journey up the Thames was anything but. All of London turned out to watch HMS Victory, which had seen off the entire British naval fleet, make its way along the river. The news of the mammoth’s adventures had made headlines all across the world.

  Folk lined the banks to wave and cheer, and this lifted Elsie’s mood a little. During the long voyage, the girl missed her friend terribly. She had grown accustomed to the mammoth’s smell and sound and touch. She yearned for her trunk to be wrapped round her again. It was like a part of her was missing.

  A month or more had gone by since they’d left London. The ice over the Thames had melted away, and HMS Victory made fast progress towards the centre of London.

  Despite seeing the obvious delight of the crowds, all on board were nervous as the ship came into dock. A pack of policemen, led by Commissioner Barker, of course, were waiting on the riverbank for them.

  “Don’t you worry, officers. We only, ahem, borrowed the Victory. Took her for a quick spin,” the admiral called over.

  Barker’s face soured. His lip quivered in barely disguised rage, causing his tiny moustache to twitch.

  “Our orders are to take you straight to Buckingham Palace,” he announced. “Her Majesty the Queen wants a word with you!”

  The pensioners all gulped. By the sound of it, they were all in

  deep,

  deep

  trouble.

  A fleet of horse-drawn carriages raced across London to Buckingham Palace. Elsie sat between Dotty and Titch in the first one. Both grown-ups looked sick with nerves.

  Dotty pulled out a handkerchief and spat on it. “Elsie, I just need to give you a quick wash.” She then proceeded to furiously polish the girl’s face.

  “GET OFF ME!” yelled Elsie.

  “You’re meeting the Queen! When was the last time you had a bath?”

  “A what?”

  “That’s what I thought!”

  The fleet of carriages passed through the tall iron gates into the grounds of Buckingham Palace. Elsie, Dotty and Titch all pressed their faces up against the window to get a better look.

  “WOW!” exclaimed the girl.

  “It’s magnificent,” added Titch.

  “It could be fit for royalty,” remarked Dotty.

  “It is fit for royalty!” said Titch. “The royals live here.”

  “They must have come from a very rich family,” observed the lady.

  The carriage stopped outside the entrance to the palace itself. A footman opened the carriage door, and the three stepped out on to the red carpet. All the old soldiers put on their tricorne hats and white gloves, and straightened their scarlet coats. They formed a neat line, and marched into Buckingham Palace.

  Elsie’s eyes were dazzled by the riches. Never in her wildest dreams could she have believed anyone lived like this. Gold and marble and velvet spread across every space. Oil paintings, sculptures and ornaments lined the hallways. She wanted to stop and marvel at every last one, but there wasn’t time. Her Majesty the Queen was waiting.

  “Needs a good dust,” remarked Dotty. “I’ve counted three cobwebs.”

  “Shush!” shushed Titch.

  Eventually, a tall pair of wooden doors was opened by the Queen’s attendant Abdul.

  “Her Majesty has been expecting you,” he announced.

  At the far end of the room was a little old lady, sitting alone on a chair with a blanket over her knees. Her skin was as white as snow, her dress was black, and her white hair crouched on top of her head in a tidy bun.

  It was . Unsmiling, she looked Elsie straight in the eye.

  “So, you must be the urchin who stole my mammoth?”

  For the first time in her life Elsie was too shy to speak, so she just nodded.

  “It weren’t just her that stole the manmoth!” said Dotty. “I done it an’ all.”

  “Don’t forget your manners,” hissed the admiral. “It’s ‘I done it and all, ma’am’. ‘Ma’am’ not ‘Marm’. It rhymes with ‘ham’ or ‘jam’.”

  “I done it an’ all, ham,” said Dotty.

  Titch shook his head in despair.

  “And what gave you the right to break into my Natural History Museum, bring a long-extinct prehistoric animal back to life and then set it free?”

  Elsie looked down at her feet.

  “Well?” pressed the Queen.

  “I don’t know, ma’am,” she replied.

  “Well, you must have some sort of idea!”

  The girl looked over to Dotty and Titch, who gave her nods of encouragement.

  “Well, I, erm, I suppose…”

  “Spit it out, child.”

  “Well, I, erm, I looked at Woolly…”

  “I beg your pardon, who is Woolly?”

  “Oh, that’s the name I gave the mammoth, ma’am.”

  gestured for the girl to continue. “Do carry on!”

  “You see, Your Majesty, everyone was calling the mammoth a monster. But I looked on Woolly as a friend.”

  “A friend?” asked the Queen, incredulous.

  “Yes. A friend, and like me she seemed lost without her mother and father. So I wanted to help her. Help her find her way home.”

  The Queen listened and nodded her head. “Looking at you, child, I take it you are an orphan?”

  “Yes, ma’am,” replied the girl. “I was left on the steps of an orphanage when I was a baby. I never knew me ma or pa.”

  The Queen leaned in. “Do you know if they’re out there somewhere?”

  “No, ma’am. I don’t know if they’re alive or dead.”

  This hit like a thunderbolt. She was overcome with emotion. Her eyes closed, and she struggled for breath.

  “Are you all right, Your Majesty?” asked Elsie. The little girl broke strict royal protocol and stepped forward to hold the old lady’s hand.

  looked down at the grubby little hand holding hers. This simple act of kindness made a tear well in the old lady’s eye.

  “Here. Use my sleeve,” said Elsie, offering up her arm to wipe the lady’s face. This made the Queen smile.

  “You, child, are a very special young lady,” said .

  The little girl was rather taken aback. No one had ever told her that before.

  opened her arms, and folded Elsie into them. For a moment, these two people, separated by oceans of age, class and wealth, held each other tight.

  It felt like all the world stopped.

  “Thank you, child,” said . “I needed that.”

  “We both did.”

  “It’s been so long since anyone has given this old lady a jolly good hug. Being the Queen, no one ever gives you one.”

  “Any time, Your Majesty.”

  The pair broke away from each other.

  “Well…” began the Queen. “The whole world has been following this story in the newspapers. Myself included. Little did I know what was behind this extraordinary adventure. A deep and special friendship between an orphan girl and an innocent creature who just needed to find her way home.”

  Elsie nodded. “That’s right, Your Majesty.”

  “This story has moved me. Not least because of all your incredible bravery. So I declare that some prize-giving is in order. Munshi!”

  “Yes, Your Majesty?” replied Abdul.

  “Be a dear and bring me my box of medals…”

  The Chelsea Pensioners all stood proudly to attention.

  “Now, I have something here for all of you,” began the Queen, opening the shiny wooden box. “For my brave soldiers.”

  “And sailor!” prompted the admiral.

  “Oh, and sailor. My apologies, Captain.”

  “Admiral!” corrected the old man grandly.

  “Well, I asked my commander-in
-chief to look into all of you. And I was told you never rose above the rank of captain.”

  The old soldiers all stared at him.

  “Well, I, erm…” the man spluttered. “I think there was some sort of mix-up, Your Majesty.”

  “Really?” asked the brigadier. “I’m the confused one, not you!”

  “Yes. I think when I was asked to leave the old sailors’ home, and arrived at the Royal Hospital, all the old soldiers just started calling me ‘Admiral’. Heaven knows why!”

  There were murmurs of…

  “You told us to call you that!”

  “Big fat liar.”

  “I would love to stick that leg of yours where the sun don’t shine!”

  “Shark should have swallowed you whole!”

  “Does this pub serve any food?”

  “Did they, indeed?” The Queen was not convinced. “Well, Captain, approach and collect your medal.”

  Nervously, the man limped over to the Queen.

  DUFF! DUFF! DUFF!

  As he saluted, pinned the medal to his chest. “As head of the British armed forces, I hereby promote you to the rank of admiral, retired.”

  The newly appointed admiral turned round and looked at the others smugly.

  “Thank you, Your Majesty.”

  “Now get back to your place before I change my mind.”

  “Yes, of course, Your Majesty,” he replied, limping as fast as his leg would carry him.

  DUFF! DUFF! DUFF! DUFF! DUFF! DUFF!

  One by one, she called all the old soldiers up, and pinned medals to their chests. Finally, it was Titch’s turn. The soldier with just one lonely medal. The medal every soldier receives for service.

  “Well, Private Thomas,” began the Queen, “I have learned that your time in the military has not been distinguished. Despite serving in my army for over fifty years, you never rose beyond the rank of private. Somehow, despite being in some of the greatest battles in history, you’ve failed to fire even a single shot.”

  “I don’t like loud bangs, Your Majesty.”

  “Over the years, Private Thomas, you have been mocked for your stature, but this extraordinary adventure has shown that you are a giant among men. Do you know what this is?” she asked, dangling a cross-shaped medal.

  Titch’s eyes lit up. “Of course, ma’am. That is the highest honour a soldier can receive. The Victoria Cross.”

  “I rarely give these out. They only go to the bravest of soldiers. The Victoria Cross goes to you, Private ‘Titch’ Thomas, and you shall henceforth be known as Private ‘Towering’ Thomas.”

  The Queen bent down to pin the Victoria Cross to his chest. Titch looked at it, his eyes welling with tears.

  “Thank you, Your Majesty.”

  As he turned round to face his comrades, they gave him an almighty “HURRAH!”.

  “This just proves, if ever there were any doubt, that heroes come in all shapes and sizes,” said the Queen.

  Private Thomas smiled proudly.

  Then the Queen turned her attention to Elsie and Dotty. “Of course, heroism isn’t something reserved for men only. Look at some of the great heroes of my reign. So many of them are women. Florence Nightingale,* Elizabeth Garrett Anderson** or Millicent Fawcett*** to name but a few. So I would like to award medals to you both as well. Dotty?”

  The lady didn’t move.

  “DOTTY!”

  “Me?” asked Dotty.

  “Yes, you are called Dotty, aren’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, approach me, then, please.”

  “Now?”

  “Yes. Now.”

  The lady curtsied with every step she took.

  “Get a move on!” ordered the Queen.

  “Apologies, jam.”

  rolled her eyes, and went to pin the medal to Dotty’s chest.

  “Let me help, Your Queen the Majesty,” she said. All fingers and thumbs because of nerves, Dotty managed to stab herself with the pin.

  “OW!”

  “Are you all right?” asked the Queen.

  “Yes. I’m fine. OUCH!”

  “Are you sure?”

  “I’ve just stabbed meself. But I’m fine. Really. I’m fine. OWEEE!”

  Dotty then retreated, curtsying again with every step.

  “Now, last but not least, Elsie!” said the Queen.

  The girl curtsied respectfully, and she once again approached the old lady.

  “Elsie, you have been the bravest of all. Living on the streets of London is brave enough, but you have been the driving force behind this extraordinary adventure. You did all this, not for yourself, not for personal gain, but to help, in your words, ‘a friend’. Elsie, you have shown uncommon valour.”

  reached into her box for the final medal.

  Then the girl spoke up.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t want to be rude and that. But I don’t want a medal, ma’am.”

  A gasp echoed around the room.

  “You don’t want a medal?” spluttered the Queen. “Everyone, but everyone, likes medals.”

  “All I want is for you to help orphans like me,” replied Elsie.

  The Queen thought for a moment. “Well, after all that’s happened, I can hardly hurl you back out on to the streets of London, can I?”

  Then a smile spread across the old lady’s face. “All right. Young Elsie, why don’t you come and live with me here at Buckingham Palace? You can keep me company in my old age.”

  “A splendid idea, Your Majesty!” remarked Abdul.

  All eyes turned to the girl.

  “I’ve got twenty-five friends,” she replied.

  “TWENTY-FIVE?” spluttered the Queen.

  “Yes, they’re all from the same orphanage as me. When I ran away, I promised I’d never forget them. And I haven’t.”

  “What is the name of this orphanage?”

  Home for Unwanted Children.”

  “Sounds frightful!”

  “It is.”

  “And you ran away, Elsie?”

  “I had to, Your Majesty. The lady who ran it used to beat me black and blue. I had to get out, or she would have killed me.”

  The Queen took a deep breath. She could barely believe what she was hearing, but she knew this girl was sincere.

  “What is the name of this ‘lady’, if indeed the creature can be called that?”

  “Mrs Curdle, Your Majesty.”

  “Hm. Munshi?”

  “Yes, Your Majesty?” replied Abdul.

  “Have this Mrs Curdle locked up in the Tower of London.”

  “With great pleasure, ma’am.”

  A huge smile spread over Elsie’s face. This story did have a happy ending after all.

  “Sometimes it’s wonderful being Queen!” said the Queen. “And, Munshi?”

  “Yes, Your Majesty?”

  “Send a fleet of my carriages to collect those poor orphans, and bring them here to Buckingham Palace.”

  “All twenty-five of them, ma’am?”

  The Queen gulped. “Yes. All twenty-five of them. We have the room!”

  “At once, Your Majesty.” With that, Abdul bowed and left.

  “Of course, child, tonight is a very special night…” began the Queen.

  “Is it?” asked Elsie. After being at sea for weeks, the girl had completely lost track of the date.

  “Yes, my child. It’s New Year’s Eve. At midnight, we welcome in a new century, as the year becomes 1900. Perhaps you and your twenty-five friends would like to join me for a midnight feast as we watch the fireworks?”

  “Yes, please, Your Majesty.”

  “Splendid. I’ll have my team of cooks lay on the feast!”

  “I can’t wait to see them all again, and tell them this incredible tale.”

  “I’m sure they’ve missed you, young lady.”

  Elsie smiled and turned to look at Dotty, before addressing the Queen again.

  “Your Majesty?”

  “Yes, Elsie?


  “Please can my friend Dotty come to the party tonight too? She’s really looked after me. She has been like a grandma, actually. I would love to see in the new century with her.”

  The Queen took a deep breath. “Yes, all right. Dotty, you can come too, but please refrain from calling me ‘ham’!”

  “Ooh, thank you, jam!” replied the lady. “OOPS!”

  Private Thomas was trying to catch Dotty’s eye, to no avail. When that didn’t work, he gave her a sharp poke with his elbow.

  “What do you want? I’m talking to Queen Majesty herself, the ruler of everybody and everything!”

  “Well, shouldn’t the love of your life come too?”

  “Who’s that?”

  “ME!”

  “I’ll ask,” replied Dotty. She put her hand in the air. “Victoria the Majesty?”

  “Yes?” replied the Queen uncertainly.

  “Please could Towering Thomas come to the party?” she asked proudly.

  “I won’t take up too much space. You’ll barely know I am there, Your Majesty,” added the man.

  sighed loudly. “Well, I suppose there’s always room for one more,” she said.

  “THANK YOU, MA’AM!” he replied.

  Just then, the admiral popped his hand in the air.

  “YES?” asked the Queen.

  “Ma’am, if I could be so bold, I have been an extremely close friend of Private Thomas’s for many a year…”

  “No, you haven’t!” he corrected.

  “SHUT UP!” hissed the admiral. “And I would miss him terribly if I couldn’t share this momentous night with him.”

  The old queen sighed. “All right!”

  “Should I bring my own rum?”

  “I am sure we have a barrel or two.”

  “Splendid! But what will everyone else drink?”

  “Anyone else want to come to the party?” she asked.

  All the old soldiers started nodding their heads enthusiastically and murmuring in agreement.

 

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