by Brent, Cora
Thomas examined his juice for a moment and then grimaced. “Yeah, all right. This tastes like piss anyway.”
He tossed his wheat grass in the garbage, which was exactly where it belonged, and we took a stroll next door to a dive that served terrible chicken wings and burgers but above average fries.
I ordered us two large plates of cheese fries and two large sodas, which probably cancelled out that punishing workout. However, unlike Thomas, I hadn’t been lifting just for my health. Lately I found time to increase my gym visits because jerking off wasn’t doing enough to ease the pressure. There were times when I wanted Taylor so much I could hardly function.
“What’s Taylor doing today?” Thomas wanted to know after he swallowed a mouthful of cheese fries. He grinned and I could swear he was congratulating himself for guessing where my mind was.
“She’s working. And you knew that.”
He squirted ketchup on his plate. “Dinner was nice the other night. And it was a kick to watch the way she cooked for all of us and kept fussing over the details. She and Paige really seem to be hitting it off.”
I shook salt on my fries. “Yup.”
Derek’s girlfriend had already decided that Taylor and I were meant for each other. Usually I liked when Paige worked the same shift as me but for the first time I was kind of hoping she wouldn’t be there tonight. She meant well. I knew that. She liked Taylor and she was eager to see us together.
The hang up in this situation was all mine.
I’d made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t lay a hand on Taylor while she was struggling to keep her head above water. I would never ever want her to feel like she owed me something. Every day that promise became a little tougher to keep. I almost lost it that day in the kitchen. She’d touched my chest, reached underneath my shirt. I lifted her and felt her legs wrap around my waist.
And for a second I thought, Why not? I want it. She wants it.
Before anything happened I slammed the brakes. Because I knew damn well there was a good answer to that Why not? question.
Taylor needed my friendship. She needed my respect. And, until she got a place of her own, she needed my help and my couch. She didn’t have anyone else. She’d called me her best friend for crying out loud. There was an imbalance between us at the moment. I’d rather violently rip out both of my thumbnails than take advantage of that.
“I was thinking,” Thomas said. “It’s been really cool having Taylor around. Seems like this is how it would have felt to have a sister, don’t you agree?”
I choked on my soda. “No! Jesus. That would be one hell of a fucked up family.”
“Oh yeah, that’s right, I’d forgotten about how you two got it on back in the day.”
He was laughing. He’d forgotten nothing. He was screwing with me.
“Yeah, back in the day,” I muttered. “Eons ago. When dinosaurs roamed the earth.”
His expression became all knowing. “You’re getting defensive. Clearly you’re compensating for the unwelcome presentation of the truth.”
“Check it out, someone’s taking Psych 101 this semester.”
Thomas grew serious. “Joking aside, you two just kind of fit together somehow. I wouldn’t say so if it wasn’t true. You’re more alike than you realize. And I see the way she looks at you, Kel.”
“How do you think she looks at me?”
“Like you’re the reason the sun rises and sets in her world.”
I had no answer for that. The concept made me too happy and I couldn’t fake feeling otherwise. Derek had me pegged weeks ago. I was crazy about Taylor.
“I’ve got to get to work.” I shoved my remaining cheese fries in Thomas’s direction. He was only too happy to accept them.
“What time do we need to leave for the wedding on Saturday?” he asked, carefully wiping his mouth with a napkin because he couldn’t bear to put away his good manners even when he was in the middle of pigging out.
“I guess we should plan on hitting the road to Emblem by two. The folks are leaving earlier than that to help with the setup.”
He nodded. “Sounds good. Oh, there’s a party on Friday night at Madison’s place if you’re interested. I wasn’t going to go but if you’re into the idea I might.”
“Who the hell is Madison?”
“You remember. You shared a wall with her one eventful night.”
“I’ve been trying to block out that part. I think I’m going to pass on the party.”
“Good. I didn’t really want to go anyway.” He flexed. “Got to stay focused on my training.”
“I’m sure the cheese fries will help with that.”
I really did need to get to work so I left him sitting there alone but before I left I turned around and saw he was waving to a couple of girls in soccer uniforms. They were only too delighted to scamper over and take a seat at the table. I never lacked for attention so I couldn’t be envious but I swear that kid was a veritable magnet. I shook my head and left Thomas to entertain his fans.
On the way to work my mind strayed to Sunday’s indecently hot moment in the kitchen. Taylor’s dinner party that evening was low key and enjoyable. Later on, after Paige and Derek left and Thomas went to bed so he could rise before dawn and run around the block twenty times, we cleaned up the kitchen together. Neither of us acknowledged that we were only inches from the spot where we’d nearly fornicated on the counter. When I said good night to her I had to call upon every shred of my considerable willpower not to grab her, kiss her, and carry her off to bed.
Eventually I would run out of self-discipline. I wasn’t invincible.
I couldn’t think about sex and make pizza at the same time so I had to shove my Taylor fixation to the backburner once I reached Esposito’s. It turned out Paige wasn’t working tonight so there was no one around to hassle me about my sex life or lack thereof.
There happened to be a lull in activity while I was working at the counter when an unexpected customer arrived.
Aimee walked through the front door and craned her neck around. She spotted me and dashed to the counter. “Hi, Kel.”
Her chin quivered. Her eyes were red. I was alarmed.
“Are you okay?” I asked, genuinely concerned because I couldn’t remember ever seeing her cry before.
“No. Franco and I broke up.” She heaved a deep breath. “For good this time. He was cheating.”
“Oh, shit. I’m sorry to hear that. Hold on a second, all right?”
Mira, the assistant manager, was walking by and after getting permission to take my break right now I led Aimee over to an empty table.
She sobbed out the story. While they were broken up the last time, Franco had created a profile on one of those apps where people congregate if they’re looking for easy, no strings hookups. Unfortunately, he failed to quit his new hobby after he and Aimee got back together. She found out when a girl she knew from her economics class said she’d walked in on her roommate giving Franco head on their balcony. He tried to weasel his way out when Aimee confronted him but she’d had enough and this time they were finished. Nothing about the details surprised me but I’d never gloat over the misfortune of a friend.
“He never deserved you anyway,” I assured her. “His loss.”
She smiled through her tears. “You don’t know how much I wish I’d just gone with you that night at my party instead of ditching you because I wanted to give Franco another chance. I can’t believe I was such an idiot.” She touched my hand. “You’re really a good guy, Kel. One of the best there is.”
“I’m average. And you’re not an idiot.” I patted her hand in return. I hoped it came across as what it was; a friendly, completely platonic gesture.
“Maybe we could try again?” she asked with too much hope laced into her voice. “I mean, not tonight. But…soon?” Her fingertip stroked my wrist.
“I don’t think that was meant to be,” I said and then tried to soften the blow. “Friendship will last longer.”
Maybe I should have told her that she never really had one, especially once Taylor Briggs became a big part of my life. Aimee didn’t stand a chance against Taylor. No one did.
While I was talking to Aimee I hadn’t taken much notice of who was coming and going around us. But now I looked up and saw that I’d been blessed with more than one visitor tonight.
I didn’t know at what point Taylor had arrived but now she lingered at the counter, apparently waiting for a takeout order. She was staring in this direction. Before she turned away I saw the look on her face that was a cross between surprise and hurt.
After giving Aimee some napkins to blow her nose and explaining that I needed to get back to the counter, I jumped up and dashed over just as Taylor was receiving her food from Mira.
“Oh, hi,” she said, pasting an artificial smile on her face at the sight of me. “I just stopped by to grab a slice for dinner.” She raised the takeout box in the air as proof that she was here for pizza and nothing but pizza.
“I’m glad you came in,” I told her. “I wish I had a longer break so we could talk for a few minutes.”
She wouldn’t look at me directly. My head started hurting out of nowhere. I felt the overpowering need to defend the Aimee situation. My reason for turning Taylor down the other day had nothing to do with romancing some other girl. There wasn’t anyone I wanted more than I wanted her.
But Mira was staring at us and some new customers were trying to reach the counter. This wasn’t the time or the place.
“You’ve got your hands full here,” Taylor said, already stepping away. “And I should get home and eat my pizza before it gets cold.”
I caught up with her halfway to the door.
“Are you going to be awake later when I get home?”
“Maybe.” She didn’t meet my eye. “Yeah, sure. I’ll be awake.”
“I’ll see you later,” I said.
She didn’t answer.
Normally I didn’t mind my working hours because Esposito’s was about as chill a place as you could be while getting paid, but tonight I agonized over every tick of the clock until ten p.m. rolled around.
At quitting time I bolted out the door and drove straight home. I shouldn’t feel anxious. Taylor and I weren’t in a relationship. Yet all I kept thinking about was the wounded look on her face when she saw me with Aimee.
I entered the apartment quietly in case she’d decided to turn in early after all. She hadn’t. She was curled up in plain sight in the pink shirt she often slept in with tendrils of soft hair escaping from a loose ponytail while she read one of her apocalyptic nightmare stories.
“Hey,” she greeted me in a tone of voice that indicated nothing out of the ordinary. She scooted over to the far side of the couch, expecting that I would sit down.
“Hey yourself.” I extracted my wallet and phone from my back pockets, setting them on the coffee table along with my keys before easing down to the couch. “How was your pizza?”
“Delicious. How was work?”
“Magnificent.” I paused. “Aimee is just a friend. She’s going through a bad breakup and she stopped by to talk.”
“Good to know.” Taylor marked her place in her book with a menu from a local Chinese restaurant. She clasped her hands together under her knees and leaned forward a little.
“Kellan, did I ever tell you about my best friend Delaney?”
“Childhood friend. Lived on your street. Ditched you when the going got rough.”
She turned my way with a faint smile. “You’re always a good listener. Anyway, I was remembering one of the last conversations I ever had with Delaney. It was two years ago, right after I admitted that I’d hooked up with you. She knew who you were. She called you the Party Prince.”
My eyebrows shot up. “I wasn’t aware that I was famous enough to rate a nickname. I wish I’d known. I would have been thrilled. I probably would have plastered it on a t-shirt and referred to myself in the third person everywhere I went.”
Her eyes rolled. “The point I wanted to make is that I’ve been here for weeks and I never see you go out.” She shot me a worried look. “Is it because of me? Do you feel like you can’t go out and have fun because you know I’m back here sleeping on your couch?”
Yes.
And no.
The reason had as much to do with me as with her. I didn’t want to go out and bash around the meat market college scene anymore. I didn’t want to flirt and tease and mess around with girls I didn’t really care about. I looked forward to coming home and finding Taylor here in my apartment. I got excited every time we spoke, every time she looked at me. I wasn’t going to find anyone out there who got me going the way she did. She was one of a kind.
“Things change,” I told her. “I like to flatter myself that I’ve matured a little over the past couple of years.”
“Things change,” she repeated, allowing the idea to sink in. When it did she sighed. “That’s very true.”
Of course. She understood the concept a hell of a lot better than I did.
Taylor chewed her nail. She did that now and then, probably didn’t even realize when the impulse won out.
She snatched her hand out of her mouth and grimaced at it before tipping her chin up with a hint of stubbornness.
“Kellan, I don’t want to hold you back. I mean, it’s not like we’re together.”
There was an edge to her tone, a subtle reminder that she’d made a move and I’d declined. Since then there’d been no reference to that near miss in the kitchen.
She watched me, waiting to see what I would do now.
There were all sorts of things I wanted to do.
There were all sorts of things I shouldn’t do.
My most basic urges were making demands. I needed to hold her, to kiss her, to rip the fabric of that stupid pink shirt and make good on the threats I’d growled when her hair was balled in my fist and her long legs were offering me access.
Giving in. Holy shit, it would feel so fucking good.
Instead of choosing that route I crushed all the honesty in the room with a dumb joke.
“Taylor, you could never hold me back.” I raised both arms and flexed dramatically. “You’d need to get a whole lot stronger first before you could even try. You don’t even like going to the gym.”
She was disappointed.
I knew I was an asshole.
But at least I was an asshole who wouldn’t hate himself in the morning for crossing a forbidden line.
“Good night, Party Prince,” she said and picked up her book again, hugging it to her chest.
I stood up. I took two steps in the direction of my bedroom. Then I couldn’t take it. I turned around.
“Taylor, I always come straight home after work because I want to see you. I dash over to Closet Exchange between classes in the hopes you’ll have time for a lunch break because I want to see you. The reason why you haven’t seen me go out partying is because I’ve learned there’s nothing out there that I want. And the reason why I’m not going to sit back down at your side right now is because I know exactly what I do want. And I’m running out of self-control.”
I didn’t wait to see how she responded to my little speech. If I did then the odds were high that my resolve would fail me for good.
“Kellan, wait,” she called. “Can I please just ask you one question?”
I hesitated. I couldn’t very well ignore her.
“It’s kind of important,” she announced.
When I turned my head I saw Taylor had changed positions. She was on her knees, elbows propped up on the back of the couch while her book dangled casually from one hand.
“Will you be bothered if I wear high heels to the wedding on Saturday?” she asked, head cocked with thoughtful curiosity. “I’m fabulously tall. I think with heels I might be slightly taller than you. Some guys, they just get all bent out shape abo
ut it. I don’t want you to get bent out of shape. I like your shape the way it is.”
I couldn’t help but crack a smile. “I know you’re tall. My manhood will in no way be damaged by the presence of your heels.”
“Oh, good.” She flopped back on the couch and reopened her book. “Thanks, that’s such a relief.”
I finally retreated to my room with a chuckle and closed the door.
Taylor. Taylor. Taylor.
“You are an original,” I said to myself, softly enough so that she’d never be able to hear me.
Chapter Nineteen
Taylor
They might have been getting sick of my questions. I had many. And I’d been firing them off for the better part of the past hour while Kellan and Thomas were stuck in a car with me.
“So, remind me again. Who’s Uncle Deck?”
“Uncle Deck is our king,” said Thomas from the backseat.
“Uncle Deck is the mystical source of our collective powers,” Kellan deadpanned behind the wheel.
“Uncle Deck is our father’s cousin,” Thomas explained. “He’s five years older and grew up in Emblem in the trailer next door to where our dad and his brothers were being kicked around by our garbage heap of a grandfather.”
“He protected them,” Kellan said, growing serious. “As best he could, anyway. Grandpa Benton was one brutal son of a bitch.”
“And Benton’s dead, right?” I asked.
Kellan cheered up. “Oh yeah, that bastard’s been dead for decades. We never even met him.”
“And what about Stone and Conway? The owners of the Brothers Gentry Garage?”
“Stone is Deck’s half brother. Conway is Dad’s half brother. Apparently Emblem suffered from limited sexual partners a few generations back so the Gentry men really got an excessive amount of action.”
“Makes sense.”
I’d been trying to picture this Emblem place. All I’d ever known of Emblem was that it was home to an enormous state prison. Kids on the playground used to tease each other, You keep it up and you’ll wind up in Emblem. Emblem meant prison. But no, Emblem was really a small town that just happened to contain a prison. There was a difference. It was far enough to remain separate from the massive suburban sprawl of Phoenix and was still surrounded by undeveloped desert. Kellan’s family had grown up dirt poor in Emblem.