Pieces

by Shawn Lane

  “Okay. Well, if there’s ever a time you do want to talk about it. Or anything, I’m a good listener.”

  For some reason that made him laugh and not in a good way. He heard the bitterness, the sarcasm in his own laugh. “You’ve got to be kidding, Josh.”

  Josh added vanilla creamer from the fridge to his coffee. He frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “You’ve never wanted to listen. I tried to talk to you after Andrew’s death. You wanted no part of it then. You suggested, as you still do, that I should talk to a shrink.”

  “I just thought with suicide…it might help.”

  “Well, it didn’t. What the hell is a shrink going to tell me that I don’t already know?” Patrick turned away, his anger suddenly flaming hot.

  Josh didn’t respond for several moments and then he said, “You blame yourself, don’t you?”

  “It was my fault.”

  “No. How can it be? He had some mental issues, Patrick. They weren’t your fault.”

  “Yes, they were. He killed himself because he wasn’t getting what he wanted, what he needed out of our relationship.”

  “You don’t know why he killed himself. He didn’t leave a suicide note,” Josh pointed out.

  Patrick set his coffee down and hugged himself. “The night before…we had a fight. It was pretty fucked up.”

  He closed his eyes, trying to block out the memories. The guilt still consumed him, no matter how hard he tried not to let it. But Patrick didn’t want to tell Josh everything. Not when he didn’t even know what future he had with the man. If he had one.

  “Patrick?” Josh’s hand closed over his arm.

  “During the fight, Andrew said he couldn’t do this anymore. I thought he meant us. I left. Went to stay at my dad’s that night. I knew when I went home Andrew would want to talk. Maybe break up.”

  “Wow. Must have been some fight.”

  He nodded, swallowed the painful lump. “Yeah. Anyway, I didn’t want to deal with it. I was pretty sure that was the end for us. We’d been having…problems for a while. So, I deliberately delayed going home for as long as I could. Then…well you know what happened when I got home. I found him.”

  “Don’t say it,” Josh whispered.

  “I can’t help it. If I’d gone home that day right away maybe—”

  “No.”

  “Or maybe never left. He might never have done it, Josh.”

  “Maybe he wouldn’t have that day, but being suicidal he would have done it another day.”

  Patrick pulled away from the touch on his arm. Turned his back on Josh. “Well, why didn’t I know he wanted to harm himself? Why didn’t you? Or any of us? How come we didn’t know the signs and get him help?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers. The truth is no one does. The answers, if there were some, died with Andrew. And he didn’t leave us any clues. We can’t ever know what he was thinking, Patrick. No matter how much we might want to.”

  Patrick leaned both hands against the counter and nodded. “I know. I guess. It still sucks.”

  Josh rested his hand on Patrick’s back. “It does suck. I’m sorry. I don’t know how to make it better. But maybe…I can make you feel better right now.”

  He straightened and faced Josh who reached for his hand.

  “Come back to bed with me.”

  “I’m not sure sex ever solved anything.”

  “Nope, but it still feels good, don’t you think?”

  Patrick smiled. He knew Josh was trying to lighten the mood and he was grateful. “Okay, you’ve convinced me.”

  * * * *

  Sometime later, Patrick lowered himself onto Josh’s thick, hard erection. His muscles loosened enough to take the cock all the way to the hilt with one thrust from Josh.

  “God, you’re tight,” Josh said on a groan.

  Bracing his hands on either side of Josh’s hips, Patrick merely smiled down at his lover and began to fuck himself on the shaft within him. It felt good to be in charge, dictating how fast and deep Josh could go.

  Josh’s hand moved from where it rested on Patrick’s thigh to close around Patrick’s erection. With a saucy smile of his own, his thumb swept up over the tip and swiped the drop of pre-cum. He brought his thumb to his mouth and sucked on it.

  “Geez, you’re trying to kill me.” Patrick panted, increasing the speed of his ass pumping up and down on Josh’s cock.

  His lover’s hand slid down his chest and abdomen back to encircle his shaft, his fingers teasing the mushroomed head before sliding down to roll Patrick’s balls, which pulled tight under Josh’s ministrations.

  The first jolts of his oncoming orgasm tingled at the base of his spine. His eyes closed as Josh’s grasp stroked his cock faster, harder, pulling Patrick’s release out with every tug.

  “Josh!” he cried as white globs of cum shot out all over his lover’s hand and stomach.

  Josh tensed underneath him, rapidly thrusting two, three more times before letting out a guttural groan.

  Patrick moved off his lover and lay next to him, resting his head on Josh’s chest. “God, that was amazing.”

  “Uh-huh.” Josh’s arms tightened around him.

  He closed his eyes, letting his body relax, but his mind was still alert. Still wanting to push this thing with Josh. He knew he should enjoy the day and not press the other man, but some restless part of him, a perverse part, couldn’t let it go.

  “What?” Josh asked, somehow sensing Patrick’s unease.

  He leaned up onto his elbows and looked down at Josh. “What are you really doing here?”

  Josh frowned but didn’t reply.

  Patrick sighed. “Before the dating service, you told me you didn’t want anything to do with me.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “Maybe not those exact words, but it was what you meant. And now…I’m just not sure what this is all about. I asked you yesterday and you said it was just sex.”

  Josh glanced away, his cheeks flushed.

  His reaction, his silence, told him all he wanted to know, really. Patrick could try and pretend otherwise all he wanted. It still fucking hurt so bad he could barely catch his breath as he rose and got out of bed, searching for his clothes.

  “Patrick.”

  “Forget it. You’ve made yourself loud and clear.”

  Josh sighed and sat up, resting his head against the headboard. “I just don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I’m ready for a serious relationship.”

  Patrick pulled on his clothes with quick, short movements. He couldn’t wait to get out of here now. Everything he feared was true. Josh didn’t love him. Would never love him and he’d been fooling himself thinking maybe the man had grown up and was now ready for an adult relationship.

  Damn. Why did it have to feel like his heart was being ripped to pieces every time he was with Josh?

  “Can’t we just…I don’t know, see where it goes?” Josh whispered.

  He shook his head. “I’m not looking for anything casual. I’ve never done casual sex. That’s just not me, it’s you. If you ever figure out what you do want and it’s me, let me know. Hopefully I’ll still be around.”

  Without waiting for a reply from Josh, if one was coming, Patrick walked out of the bedroom and straight out of Josh’s apartment. He’d followed the man over from the bar, so he had his car at least. He got in, started it, and drove away from the man he loved. Maybe forever.

  Chapter 7

  Patrick glanced at the time on his work computer and decided even though it only read four he was ready to go home. To his empty condo.

  He hadn’t heard from or seen Josh since he walked out of his house two Sundays ago. Patrick had stayed away from the bar or any other place in town he might have run into the man. As far as he was concerned the next move would be entirely up to Josh, and from all appearances there wouldn’t be one.

  Powering down his computer, he reached for his suit coat he’d left fold
ed on the chair when the phone on his desk buzzed.

  Damn.

  “Yes, Gina?”

  “There’s a Mr. Stevens to see you. Says he doesn’t have an appointment but you know each other.”

  Patrick frowned and sat back in his chair. Apparently he was about to hear from Josh after all. His heart thundering, he said, “I’ll see him.”

  He held his breath, wondering what he would say, what Josh would say, if he ought to suggest someplace to talk other than the office for privacy, or if perhaps that was the very reason Josh had chosen his office to talk to him.

  The door opened and the little bit of excitement Patrick felt disappeared as though iced water had been thrown in his face. Eddie came into his office, not Josh.

  Patrick hoped his face didn’t show how incredibly disappointed he was. “Hey, Eddie, this is a surprise. Have a seat.”

  Eddie gave him a strained smile and sat in the chair in front of his oak desk. “I’m sure I’m not who you expected. I’m sorry. I should have told your secretary to tell you it was Eddie Stevens.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’m not really expecting to see Josh. I’m sure he’s told you we didn’t end on the best of terms.”

  Eddie nodded. “Yeah, he’s been pretty miserable the last couple of weeks. He won’t talk about it much though. But that’s Josh.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it myself.” Patrick sighed. “What brings you here?”

  “I’d like to hire you as our lawyer, actually.”

  He blinked. “What?”

  “A few days ago we were served with papers at the bar for a lawsuit. I wanted to call you right away, but Josh wouldn’t have any part of that. He said he didn’t want you to think he was using you in any way. Frankly, though, you’re about the only lawyer I trust and that’s because we’ve known you forever.”

  “What’s the lawsuit about?”

  “A short time ago we had a patron who refused to take a cab home even though we offered to call one for him. Unfortunately, he crashed his car head on into another car when he left the bar. The occupants of both cars were killed.” Eddie shook his head. “It was terrible and a real tragedy. But we’re being sued by the family of the victims in the other car for serving him. Should have known he was intoxicated.”

  “Well, you did, and you made every effort to get him a cab, too.” Patrick wrote a note. “As I recall from my law school days, the dram shop laws for California state that bar owners can only be held responsible if the drunk driver was underage.”

  “Right. But there are other issues.”

  Patrick looked up from his notes. “Oh?”

  Eddie winced. “This kid, the driver, wasn’t legal.”

  “What?”

  “He had a fake ID but it turns out he was only nineteen. Marty looked at the ID and it looked real to him so he served him.”

  Patrick put down his pen. “To be honest here, Eddie, I’m not an accident or a liability attorney and certainly not a dram shop law expert. My expertise is corporate contracts.”

  “So, you can’t help us?”

  “Not specifically, no. I wouldn’t be the best choice for the case. I think you might still have a pretty good defense, but I don’t know enough about it to know for sure and I wouldn’t want to give you bad advice. It’s not ethical and I could be disbarred.”

  “Okay.” Eddie blew out a breath. “What do you recommend then?”

  “We don’t have dram shop attorneys in our firm, but I’m pretty sure if I ask the partners here they can give you a referral.”

  “Thank you, that would be great.” Eddie fidgeted. “Do you think we can lose the business?”

  “I doubt it, Eddie. Like I said, I’m not an expert, but you have a good defense.”

  “Why would they sue then?”

  He shrugged. “People can sue over whatever they want. I won’t lie, though. Litigation defense can be an expensive drain on your finances. I assume you have liability insurance. You may even check with them about defending you.”

  Eddie rose and nodded. “Yeah, I have a call into them, too. I just wanted to get your opinion, because like I said, you’re the only attorney I know I can trust. And Josh wouldn’t bother you.”

  Patrick followed him to the door. “I’m sure it’s more a case of Josh not wanting to be bothered by me.”

  Eddie stopped and held onto the edge of the open door. “Look, I don’t know what’s happened between you two, but I do know I haven’t seen Josh this mopey since…well, the summer after you and Andrew graduated high school. Whatever it is, I hope you guys can work it out. Whether as friends or more.”

  “Thanks, Eddie. Give my love to Kitty.”

  Eddie smiled. “In other words…shut up, Eddie. Got it. I appreciate your talking to me.”

  “Anytime. And if you don’t mind, keep me posted on the lawsuit.”

  “I definitely will.”

  * * * *

  Instead of driving directly to his condo, Patrick drove across town to the cemetery where Andrew’s family had buried him. He hadn’t been there in a long time, more than eighteen months, actually. He wasn’t quite sure what he was doing there now.

  Patrick parked in the lot, grabbed a blanket out of the trunk of his car, and made his way out to the graveside. It had one of those flat ground placards that read Andrew Jacob Lewis, b. Oct. 30, 1982, d. Sept. 7, 2007. The grave was barren of flowers. No one had visited for a while.

  When Andrew first died, Patrick had come often. Eventually, he’d decided, after talking to the numerous counselors he’d gone to after the suicide, that it was no longer healthy to visit. Yet here he was.

  He placed the blanket on the ground and sat next to Andrew’s final resting place. Not that he really thought Andrew was here or that he necessarily had to be there to feel close to Andrew. Patrick didn’t know for sure if he even believed in God.

  Patrick wondered if Andrew had left a suicide note if it would have helped him understand or if it would have made him feel worse.

  “What am I even doing here?”

  Andrew’s grave was not going to give him the answers that died with him. The truth was, Patrick had never really understood Andrew. Not completely.

  “I feel kind of stupid now that I’m here.”

  He looked around at the mostly deserted cemetery. Several graves away a couple knelt by a grave covered in flowers. Patrick didn’t know for sure, but something told him the grave belonged to their child.

  “I’m sorry.” His finger traced Andrew’s name on the placard. “I don’t think I ever said it when you were alive. Not for this anyway. I never intended for you to know you were second best.”

  Patrick raised his face to the slight breeze washing over the graves. A few weeks from now the time would change back to standard time and the cemetery would be covered in ominous shadows about this time. Even now he could feel the change in the air, the sun lowering sooner than it should.

  “The thing of it was, it hurt so bad when Josh didn’t want me, you know? God, I was so happy the night we had sex that first time. I thought he had feelings for me just as I had for him. I swear I saw love in his eyes.” Patrick snorted in self-disgust. “Boy, was I wrong. You think you know someone all that time and then they use you as a convenient fuck buddy.”

  He blew out a breath. One of the counselors he’d seen in the beginning suggested this very thing. Since he couldn’t talk face-to-face with Andrew about his feelings, he should talk to him anyway. Until today, Patrick hadn’t done it. Every time he came here he just felt too foolish.

  “He left my heart in pieces. I never thought in a million years I was doing the same thing to you, but I was, wasn’t I? You were my best friend. It just seemed so normal to turn to you when I was hurt. I didn’t know you loved me,” he whispered. “For all the pain Josh caused me by not caring about me, not returning my love, I did that to you. You loved me, and I used you to get over Josh.”

  Patrick hung his head, tears dropping ont
o his cheek. “I was such a selfish bastard. I hate myself more than you can know for not loving you the way I should have. It’s true. I hate myself. I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life. Lord, what a drama queen, huh? Talk about a pity party for myself.

  “I did love you, Andrew. I may not have loved you as a partner, as a lover should have. But I did. There’s not a day that passes without me thinking of you, missing you. I wish every one of those days that you had reached out to me and talked to me about your pain so I could have helped you. And if you couldn’t talk to me, I would have been happy if there had been someone you could have shared with. Anything, but this.”

  The breeze started to chill Patrick and goose bumps popped up on his neck and face. He wiped the wetness off his cheeks. Maybe, Josh had been right after all and he should be talking to someone still. The guilt ate at him.

  “I’m going to go now. I don’t think I’m ever coming back to this place. I know you aren’t here.” He touched his chest. “You’re here. Love you.”

  He stood and removed the blanket from the ground, folding it into sort of a wad. Patrick cast one last glance to the couple kneeling by the flowered covered grave and even from where he stood he felt their sorrow.

  When he was back in his car, Patrick searched through his CDs until he found one filled with perky, happy pop music. He slipped it in the disc player and turned up the volume.

  * * * *

  The first thing Patrick did when he got home was look up the list of psychiatrists he’d seen right after Andrew’s suicide. In the morning he’d call the one he thought had been the most helpful.

  He figured he couldn’t really move forward with his life until he got both Andrew and Josh out of his system.

  Feeling better, he made himself a cup of tea and turned on his computer to check his emails and maybe play some mindless computer games. They helped him unwind sometimes. He’d already let his dating service trial period lapse without renewing and he didn’t intend to go there any time soon. Besides, he’d only done it to get Josh’s attention anyway.

  After a few minutes of reading his email, Patrick was about to click on a game icon when an instant message popped up.