by Aidan Wayne
“But you’re someone I should worry about. I live with you, I trust you to—to take care of me. It’s a healthy worry, that you’re okay. It’s actually normal that I’d worry. So you… you should let me.”
Chase reached out and Jason let him, let him put his hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “You’re right. I’m sorry. Could we start over?”
Jason swallowed. “Okay.”
“I’m tired. Shade had a bad night, and I was up with him. But it’s nothing I’m not used to. And—and I will power down sometime today. I promise.”
“Okay,” Jason said again. And then, quietly, “Thank you.”
Chase squeezed his shoulder reassuringly before letting go and stepping back. “Thank you too. For—waking me up, a little. I want to let you in, Jason. I do. I’ll be more prudent of what you want in regards to that, going forward.”
Jason nodded, already missing Chase’s touch. “Can I help?”
“I’m sorry?”
“With the—breakfast. Normally you and Shade make me food together.” While Jason watched from a safe distance away. “But I’d, uh. I could help, maybe?”
Chase beamed. “Of course.” He held out another pan. “Why don’t you make the eggs, while I focus on the pancakes.”
“Sure,” Jason said, walking closer. He took a deep breath and took the pan, setting it back down on the counter before cracking the eggs into the little bowl Chase had set aside. He wasn’t as fancy with food as Chase was, so he just added salt and a little pepper, and then some frozen peas before dumping the mixture in the pan.
It was nice working side by side with Chase, and Jason suddenly understood why he and Shade enjoyed cooking together. It was really comforting and warm, cooking next to someone you cared about. He and Chase even brushed shoulders a few times and Jason didn’t flinch.
“How are you feeling?” Chase asked, watching the pancakes brown as Jason pushed the eggs around in the skillet. Jason couldn’t help smiling slightly at Chase checking in after Jason had. Especially now that Jason had extricated the promise that Chase would rest later. It felt natural. A real give-and-take. Even more so with the way they were standing, were working with each other. It still felt like something was missing with Shade not there, but it was… nice.
“Feeling pretty good,” Jason said, trying to collect his thoughts. “Think it’s a damn shame you two don’t eat. This is a spread meant for sharing.”
“I’m sharing it by making it with you,” Chase said.
Jason shrugged, focusing on the eggs again.
He finished with the eggs before the pancakes were done—Chase believed in feeding him and was making a whole batch it looked like, even adding things like cut-up fruit into some, making them fancy. Jason waited, in no hurry, leaning against the counter instead of at the table like he normally did. They chatted easily about Jason’s plans for the day and how his languages were going. Jason had been trying to spend more time working on his mind, giving his body a break, and had even set up Skype sessions with some tutors. It was something.
“I’m planning to go grocery shopping again today,” Chase said, as he put the last of the pancakes on paper towels, flipping them before plating the first several.
“Oh yeah?” Jason grinned as he followed Chase to the table. Chase was one of those people who really liked grocery shopping. Like, genuinely enjoyed it, looking at all the items. Jason had been like that once too, but then he’d gotten to a point where in-and-out was all he could handle. That was before he’d started getting stuff delivered. “You have fun.”
“I was thinking I could power down after I got back—” Chase started, setting the plate down in front of Jason, when he was interrupted by Shade entering the room. He was still wearing a large sleep shirt and soft-looking lounge pants, hair sticking up in all directions.
“Morning,” Jason said, before taking a bite of his eggs.
“Didn’t wake me up,” Shade grumbled, going to nuzzle at Chase’s cheek.
“Sounds like you needed it,” Jason said. “Glad you slept in. And anyway, I, uh, I helped with breakfast.”
“Yes?” Shade blinked at him, startled, before smiling. “With Chase?”
“Yes,” Chase said, smiling at the both of them, before pulling out a chair to sit across from Jason. Shade, as usual, stood. He didn’t like sitting at kitchen tables. “Jason was a big help.”
Jason scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I made some eggs.”
“Made with Chase,” Shade said, sounding gleeful. “It was good?”
“Yeah. Yeah it was. Missed you though.”
“Next time all three of us can make something together,” Chase said, voice warm.
“Together,” Shade repeated, one hand carefully falling to Jason’s shoulder before sliding away.
“Yeah,” Jason said, ducking his head. “That’d be, uh, that’d be nice.”
“Is everything okay?” Chase asked, after Jason had taken several silent bites of pancake. “It’s a recipe I found online and wanted to try out.”
“It’s good,” Jason said, after swallowing. “Great. I—I like pancakes. A lot.”
“Do you?” Chase said, almost absentmindedly, and Jason suddenly got a vision of a whole lot of pancakes in his future. Maybe even making them with Chase or Shade or both. Yeah, both, both was good, all three of them working side by side at that counter.
He swallowed again, tucking that thought away into a safe, happy place, and took another bite of his breakfast.
YOU LIKE him, Chase told Shade smugly through the sync later, as they watched a show with Jason in the living room. Shade stifled a groan and considered ignoring his partner. Not that he didn’t want to have this conversation, because they needed to have this conversation, but right now?
So do you, Shade replied, grumbling. It’s good that we both like him.
And you know that’s not what I meant.
I know, Shade said, flicking a glance at an oblivious Jason sitting a few feet away. There’s a lot there to like.
Yeah. There is. Chase shifted enough for Shade to snuggle even closer next to him, their joined hands resting between them. But you’ve liked him from the beginning too. At least a little bit.
Not in the way I do now, Shade admitted. But yes.
Why?
He treated me like a person. You know that.
Chase let out a huff of laughter. That’s when I started liking him too.
Jason shifted, looking from Chase to the program on the television, a documentary on the deep sea. “Is, uh, is there something funny about bioluminescence?” he asked.
“Sorry,” Chase said, ignoring Shade’s pointed look. “I started talking to Shade about something else. It seemed more polite than talking out loud while you watched.”
“Oh,” Jason said, lips pursing for a minute. “You know I don’t, uh, mind. When you guys talk. Unless it’s a private conversation or something. But it’s, uh, I guess it’s been nice to hear you around.”
“Don’t, Jason,” Shade said, batting at Chase’s shoulder. “Chase will talk so much now.” Chase grinned, and Jason matched the expression hesitantly.
“Still don’t think I’d mind,” he said, after a moment. “It was, you know, nice, in the kitchen. Just talking. And in general. I think I might’ve missed it. You’re always really careful, and I appreciate that, don’t get me wrong. But you live here too. You don’t have to tiptoe, is all I’m saying.”
“We’ll keep that in mind, Jason,” Chase said. “Thank you.”
Jason shrugged, ducking his head. “’S’not like you needed permission.”
“But it shows you’re thinking of us and our well-being too,” Chase said. “That’s appreciated on our end.”
“Yes,” Shade added. “Jason tries hard. To make us welcome.”
Jason shrugged again.
Chase patted the open space next to him. “Sit with us?”
“I—” Jason looked between the two of them, and Ch
ase did his best to pour welcome into his expression. “Yeah,” he said at last. “Okay.”
LATER THAT night, when they were both curled around each other, synced up to drift together, Chase tugged on Shade’s hand. Shade? Are you up?
Am now, Shade grumbled. What is it?
Shade, I… I really do like him.
Good. You’re supposed to. That’s how this works.
No, I….
Shade shifted, squeezing Chase’s hand. I know what you meant. What do you want? Permission?
Shade—
I like him too. I said as much before.
Shade….
He’s trying to let us in. We could do the same. If you want to. I wouldn’t mind.
Not minding is different from wanting. I’m fine.
I might want to. I could… see myself wanting to. Eventually. We could start small. Let him in more. That might help him too.
Are you sure?
When have I ever made a decision without being sure?
I love you, you know. You don’t have to—push for anything you don’t want.
I know.
But I’d… I’d like to try letting him in. A little. Whatever he could handle. If you really are willing.
I am. I think it might be good for him. For you too. Maybe for me. I don’t know yet.
Okay. Okay, if you’re sure. Thank you.
Can we talk about this more in the morning? I’m tired.
Chase pressed a kiss to Shade’s forehead. Of course. Sleep well, love.
You too.
Chapter Seven
“CHASE, SHADE? Could I talk to you?” Jason had just finished lunch, a meal his Companions prepared all the time now without causing him worry. He still watched them make things more often than not, but that was because he liked to, over being unable to trust what they made. Chase found he enjoyed it when Jason watched; it felt like family.
Jason was looking apprehensive, but not stiff with fear or adrenaline. It didn’t look like something to immediately worry over. That was good.
“Of course,” Chase said, sitting down across from him as Shade leaned against a counter, attention obvious. “What is it?
“I, uh—” Jason faltered. Chase let him take his time. “I’ve decided that maybe I should try leaving the house more. Again. The training sessions are great, but you’re right that just doing that, just making it my life, isn’t working for me.”
“Jason, that’s wonderful. What did you have in mind?”
“My, uh, my work offers training in more than just combat, and I’m pretty much sanctioned to take whatever I want. I was thinking start small? With a language class. I’ve been doing Skype sessions to keep up with my conversation skills, but….” He trailed off. “It’d get me out of the house. But still in a safe space. Um. What do you think?”
“Good,” Shade said immediately, giving Jason his slight smile “Good idea. Good, Jason.”
“I agree,” Chase said. “That’s an excellent idea. It sounds like just what you need right now.”
Jason rubbed at the back of his neck.
“Yeah. I just—I think I might be in the right place to try it.”
“That’s great! Did you have a class in mind?”
“I’m rustiest on Russian,” Jason said, “since I don’t put as much practice into it as the other languages. I was thinking that. There’s… there’s actually a class this afternoon.” Trust Jason to go down to the wire, so that he had to make the decision and stick with it. Good for him.
“I definitely think you should go,” Chase said. “Did you want one of us to accompany you?”
“Nah, that’s okay. I figure… this way you’ll get some time to yourselves too?”
Ah. And that was the other thing. As Chase and Shade had become more integrated in Jason’s life, they’d also become a little less discreet in their own affections. Jason was obviously fine with the fact that his Companions were matched, but he tended to shy away when they were doing something “couple-y.” He’d said before that he just didn’t want to be a third wheel to them and that they deserved to have some time without him.
With how things were developing, Chase and Shade were starting to strongly disagree with that sentiment. But it was Jason’s choice and always, always Jason’s pace. It had to be.
“If you’re sure,” Chase said, “then I’m fine with that plan. You’ll have to tell us all about it.”
Jason smiled, and it was nearly without the tightness he always carried. “Will do.”
SHADE DIDN’T like it when Jason was out of the house and thus away, but he appreciated why he was gone. It was a big step for Jason, and it made warmth bloom in Shade’s chest that Jason was finally coming out of his shell a little bit. Not only with them, but with other people.
As it was, he was in the living room, a small three-hundred-piece puzzle partway assembled on the coffee table. Shade was playing a game; he needed to solve it before Jason got home, otherwise he needed to put it all away until next time so it didn’t take up the coffee table. It was a fun exercise and doubled as a way to keep him occupied.
Sometimes Shade needed easy, intensive rote-like work to keep his mind busy. Things could get too much for him, with all the extra auditory and sensory input he had thanks to the mods. He was keyed up a lot, always hyperaware. Not unlike how Jason was.
And that was another reason why he was pleased with how Jason was progressing now. Shade knew how much it hurt to be trapped within yourself.
A pair of legs came into his vision, and then a hand was reaching down to flip over a puzzle piece and slot it into place. Shade looked up to see Chase smiling softly down at him.
“Having fun?”
Shade nodded. “Going to finish before Jason gets home.”
Chase laughed. “You said that yesterday.”
“Going to finish today before Jason gets home.”
Chase crouched down. “Want some help?”
Shade stuck out his tongue. “No. But company?”
“I can do that.” Chase took a seat next to Shade on the floor.
With Chase a warm presence at his side, Shade slipped back into his meditative puzzle-solving state. Chase was always there for him. Had been since… since they’d met. Met for real.
When Shade had gone to Chase for help, so relieved at the check-in evaluator being an AI he could have cried, he hadn’t expected he’d get this. That he’d get gentle, understanding, patient Chase wanting to be by his side. Wanting to love him.
Shade was thankful every day for a life with Chase in it. And he was glad that other people got him too. Chase wanted to give so much of himself. It’s what made him truly happy. And that Jason was finally letting him in, letting the both of them in. Chase was smiling a lot more lately, even for him. He seemed lighter. And Shade felt the same way.
Jason was good for them.
“Where’d you go?” Chase asked, nudging him.
“Thinking. Memories.”
“Good ones?”
“Yes. Good ones.”
IT WAS always the screaming that woke him up.
Jason had taken a lot of beatings in his life. He was used to pain, respected it, and gave it the fear it deserved. But he knew when it was coming to him, and always, always preferred it over the anticipation. The nightmares about pain never woke him up screaming, just made him restless and tense until his body could no longer stay asleep.
He woke up hearing the screams of others, the ones he couldn’t save, had to watch, had to wait for. The people he hadn’t been good enough to help, and the reason he trained ruthlessly, relentlessly in order to get better.
It was screaming again tonight, and he woke up in a cold sweat, trembling with the memories of agony-twisted faces. Sometimes he hadn’t even managed to learn their names.
This time, this memory, he’d known every single one of them.
He’d been the only one to get out alive.
He tried to give himself time to breathe and se
ttle, to unwind from the little ball he’d curled into. His back and shoulders ached from the paces he’d put them through yesterday, and he tried to use that to ground himself. Familiar pain.
It took several more minutes before he realized someone was knocking on his door. And speaking through it.
“Jason? It’s Chase. Are you awake? Jason? Jason, it’s okay. You’re fine. You’re safe at home. I’m right here, and Shade’s making you some tea. Can you open the door, Jason?”
“I’m okay,” Jason croaked, once he got his bearings. “I’m fine. You can go back to sleep.”
“I’d rather you open the door, if you feel up to it.”
Jason swallowed and pushed to his feet, finding his way to the door in the dark. He had to squint against the hall light, Chase silhouetted by it. “Sorry,” he said. “Didn’t mean to wake you guys.”
“We don’t sleep, remember?” Chase said with a gentle smile. “And we weren’t even charging. You didn’t interrupt anything.”
Jason rubbed his face. “How loud was I?”
“Not loud,” Shade said, coming into view. He was holding a steaming mug, and he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Jason processed this and did not think about the fact that his Companions hadn’t been asleep. Charging. Whatever. “No screams. But….” He shifted, face upset. “Heard words. More French.” He held out the mug and didn’t elaborate any further.
Both of them, Jason had learned, had realized that French never meant good things.
“Why don’t we go sit in the living room for a little while?” Chase suggested. Jason nodded, feeling guilty. Sitting with Chase and Shade would be nice, and the proximity and safety would be welcome after one of those particular dreams.
Sometimes the other victims had Chase and Shade’s faces now. Those were bad ones. He usually screamed for those.
Chase and Shade sat down on either end of the couch, leaving Jason the middle if he wanted it, or the armchair if he didn’t. He hesitated for only a second before taking that middle seat, shoulders hunched forward, hands curled around his mug.