by Aidan Wayne
He tried to breathe and concentrate on that. Eventually the breathing got easier.
“Better now?”
Jason nodded into the hollow of Shade’s throat. “Sorry.”
“No sorries. Why panic?”
“It just… it just hit me what I did today. That I might not be going back at all.”
“Might not happen.”
“Yeah, but it might. And I’m just… I’m rattled. I’ve been in deep for fifteen years. Anything now would be a change.”
Shade ran his hands up and down Jason’s back. “Change together. Will be okay.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I know. Thanks.”
Shade leaned back far enough to look Jason in the face, eyes glinting in the dark. Then he carefully pressed a kiss to Jason’s cheek. “Will be okay,” he said again.
Jason tried to believe him.
“JASON?”
“Yeah?”
“Shade and I were talking, and—” Chase squared his shoulders. “We want to talk to you again about the mat room. And where you sleep.”
“Okay?” Jason looked up from his laptop and tried not to get his hackles up.
“We’ve been really happy that you’ve stopped sleeping there at night,” Chase continued. “But the couch isn’t—shouldn’t be—a long-term solution.”
“I’m not kicking you out of your room,” Jason said immediately. “That’s your space.”
“We know,” Chase said. “And we really appreciate it. And we also appreciate and understand the importance of you having a room to work out in at home. We were hoping, ah, well….”
“Switch rooms,” said Shade. “Make old room mat room, mat room new room for three.”
Jason blinked. “I’m sorry?”
“It’s only an idea,” Chase said quickly, “and obviously we understand if you’re not comfortable with it. But you fall asleep around us much more easily now, and—I’m not suggesting we share a bed, though that is something we’d both love to try eventually, but, well. If you were willing to have a smaller mat space, the mat room is the master bedroom of this apartment. It’s certainly big enough for two beds and all of our things.”
“Could still sleep on couch if needed to, some nights,” Shade added. “Wouldn’t feel bad.”
Jason’s “I’ll think about it” was on the tip of his tongue before he stopped and reconsidered.
“Yeah,” he said, after a beat. “Okay.”
“Okay?” Shade asked. “Just… like that? Is fine?”
Jason nodded. “It’s not a bad idea. And I do sleep… easier with you two around, I’ve noticed. I’ve always slept better with someone I trust at my back. So it… it would make sense. That it could work.” He sighed. “As long as you’re okay with me, um, moving in with you.”
“We wouldn’t have suggested it if we weren’t,” Chase said. “And I don’t think much will change, honestly. You’ll still have your designated mat space to retreat to if you wanted, and we can always go there too, in the event we needed some space.” Which was a laugh, really. Chase and Shade rarely wanted to leave Jason alone.
“Okay,” Jason said again. “Let’s do it. We could get to work now. If, um, you wanted to?”
“That sounds great,” Chase said, smiling.
It was hard work. First they had to take up all the mats and gear and store them around the living room. Next came moving the furniture around. Between the three of them, they were able to get the king from the smaller room into the master bedroom, plus the mattress. Shade remade the bed while Chase and Jason moved the massage table and smaller furniture. Then Jason placed the mat that could fit down, while Chase and Shade transferred clothing and the last of the items from one room to another. It took most of the day to get everything organized and situated.
The last thing Jason did was take out his bedroll and put it on the floor at the foot of the bed. He’d get a real bed soon, maybe even manage to go to a store to buy it, but the bedroll worked for the time being, and it was something he was used to. That he would be sleeping in it near Shade and Chase made things that much better.
The room was big enough that even with a second bed—Jason was planning on just getting a full, he didn’t need anything larger—it wouldn’t be cramped. Cozy maybe, but that was okay too. He spent a couple minutes just looking around at it, taking in the fact that he pretty much had a new room.
Then he went to his new mat room and did the same thing. Got situated, walked the length of it, placed his standing punching bags where he wanted to. It was a good room, just a bit smaller. It could work. Hopefully could work well.
Jason took a deep breath and let it out again. He’d had enough exercise for one day. He’d use the room for real later. Chase and Shade were busy making dinner, and it smelled amazing. The mat room was right there. He could always come back to it.
Epilogue
JASON SNAPPED awake like he usually did, no need for an alarm when his internal clock woke him up at the same time every day. As always, he took a few seconds to reorient himself, remembering where he was.
Bedroom, still in the king because he didn’t have to leave it this time, which was great. On his side, tucked up against Chase’s back. He hadn’t moved much during the night and for once couldn’t recall any nightmares.
He got out of bed carefully, trying not to disturb Chase or Shade, who were still powered down, eyes closed, fans quietly whirring, and padded into the bathroom for his morning routine. As he took his shower, he mentally went over his schedule for the day. He had privates at the shooting range all morning, then two one-on-ones, with Urvash and with Kylie, and then a language class. It was a busy day, the kind he liked.
By the time he was out of the shower and back in the bedroom, Chase was up, though Shade was still buried underneath the covers.
“Morning,” Chase murmured, as Jason rooted around in his closet. “How did you sleep?”
“Morning,” Jason replied. “And pretty well, actually. Woke up next to you. That was nice.”
“Good.” Chase smiled, coming forward and wrapping his arms around Jason from behind. He pressed a kiss to his shoulder and moved back. “Breakfast?”
Jason tugged his shirt over his head and then snagged Chase’s wrist, reeling him back in. “Yeah,” he said, against Chase’s lips. “That sounds good.”
Chase let out a sound like he always did, crowding in close, free hand pressing into Jason’s shoulder as he chased the kiss.
“Okay,” he said, sounding more breathless when he pulled away. He always did, like this was always something he wanted so much, and Jason never got tired of it. “Good plan. Come on, before we wake Shade up.”
“Up,” Shade mumbled sleepily. “Up, up. Don’t shh.”
“Right,” Jason chuckled. “It really looks like you’re up.”
“Going to make breakfast,” Shade mumbled, still not moving.
“We can handle it, love,” Chase said, moving forward to press a kiss into Shade’s hair. “Come join us when you’re ready.”
“’Kay.”
Jason and Chase made their way to the kitchen, Jason making a cup of coffee before parking himself against the kitchen table to watch Chase as he worked his magic.
“Eggs okay?”
“Yeah, thank you.”
“What do you have going on today?” Chase asked, as he started to pull ingredients out of the refrigerator.
“Shooting privates for the first half of my day and writing up the reports for that, then some one-on-one work. And I’ve got language classes in the afternoon. Korean, today.”
“Good. I hope you have a good day. Are you worried about any of it?”
Jason bit at his lip and thought over the question. “I always worry when I have a gun in my hand around other people, because they’re easy to use and use fast.” It wasn’t the first time he’d said that. “But I know that I’ve never actually made that mistake. I know I’m not actually a threat. And we all wear gear anyway. So it’s okay.”
Chase nodded. “I’m glad to hear that, Jason.”
“What are you and Shade going to do while I’m gone? The youth center again?”
“No, that’s tomorrow. We’re going to the community center, remember? Today’s my first full day, after all the training.”
“Oh right! I hope it goes well.”
“Me too.”
“And Shade? Is he still painting the mural there?”
Chase smiled. “The hallway’s almost done. You’ll have to come see it when it’s finished. The mural is really something.”
“What is something?” Shade asked, coming into the kitchen. He went right up next to Jason and dropped his head onto his shoulder. “Besides early.”
“Your mural at the community center.”
“Oh. Not done yet. Jason can’t come see.”
Jason curled an arm around Shade’s shoulders. “I know, I know. I’m waiting with bated breath. You’ve only been working on it for two weeks straight.”
“Like painting. Big color puzzle.”
“You’re really not awake yet, are you?” Jason said with a laugh.
“No.”
“You know you don’t have to get up when I do,” Jason pointed out, not for the first time. It was an old topic at this point. But no harm in saying it again.
“Want to.” And there it was.
“Yeah,” Jason said fondly, “I know.”
THERE WAS a situation in the one-on-one with Kylie, and she ended up having to go to medical after Jason caught her too hard in the chest. He repeated the fact that she was fine, would be fine, her ribs were okay, he hadn’t cracked anything, just a bruise, but the rest of the day was a bust. Kylie was capable, but she was small. While that was an asset, speed, agility, it was also a negative in that she—wasn’t fragile, she was fine. He left his reports for later and decided to skip Korean, heading home instead.
My fault, my fault, always hurting other people. He gritted his teeth and jogged up the stairs to his apartment, before realizing that being alone in the empty space wouldn’t help. He’d just rattle around inside with nothing to do and no distractions.
He sent Chase a text asking when he’d be home, something simple, not to scare him, and then went into the mat room, too keyed up to do anything else.
His phone rang eight minutes later.
“Hi, Jason,” Chase said, when Jason picked up. “What’s the matter?”
Jason swallowed, bit down on his desire to say nothing, lie so Chase wouldn’t worry. That wasn’t how this worked. “I hurt Kylie today.” Saying it aloud made his stomach clench. “Almost cracked a rib.”
“Almost? Is she okay?”
“She’s okay,” Jason said, because he’d repeated it to himself the whole way home. “She’ll just get a bad bruise. Her lungs are fine, I didn’t—I didn’t cause any permanent damage.”
“But you still feel awful.”
Jason raked a hand over his hair and sunk down to the floor, hands curling around his phone. “Yeah. I didn’t… panic or anything, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t stay at base.”
“Are you home now?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want us to come home?”
Yes. “You don’t have to. It’s the middle of the day. And it’s your first day working at the community center.”
“That didn’t answer my question, Jason.”
Jason took a breath, let it hiss out between his teeth. My fault, ruining something else. “I don’t want to ruin your day.”
There was a pause, then, “What if we compromised? Shade’s painting, but he can do that any day. Today isn’t special for him. Could he go home to you?”
“That… that’d be okay.”
“All right. I’ll let him know.”
“Thank you.”
“Jason? I love you.”
“I….” He still had problems saying those words, sometimes unable to get them out of his mouth around a heavy tongue. “I know.”
Jason went back to the bag after he and Chase hung up, kept at it until there was a knock on the door.
“Jason? Shade. Can come in?”
Jason stopped, panting hard. “Yeah,” he said. “Door’s open.”
Shade opened the door and walked inside. He was still in the clothes he wore to paint in, old things covered with splotches of color. He had a smear of green paint on his cheek, and his eyes looked so soft. He glanced over Jason before walking forward and snagging his hand, gently leading him out of the mat room and into the living room, guiding him down on the couch. Jason went, tired out from the bag anyway, letting himself be led.
Shade sat down next to him and then guided Jason’s head down onto his lap. Jason squeezed his eyes shut, letting Shade card his fingers through his sweaty hair.
“Want to talk?” Shade asked quietly.
The silence built up before Jason said in a rush, “I hate it when I hurt people. I really hate it. I hated it on the job, when I had to do it, and I hate it now. And this was an accident. I lost control. I—she trusted me and I hurt her.”
“Badly hurt?”
Jason shuddered, trying not to imagine what would have happened if he’d gone just a little harder, feeling ribs snap under his hands—“No. No I—it’s just bruising.”
“But Jason still hurts,” Shade murmured.
“Yeah.”
“Can focus on what Jason didn’t do? Jason can hurt badly. Didn’t. Was okay.”
“But I almost—”
“Didn’t. No almost. Jason can hurt badly. Didn’t.”
“Right. Yeah.”
“Person mad?”
“Kylie? No, she—she wasn’t mad at me. She was madder at herself that I got the hit in.”
“Good. Doesn’t blame you. Jason shouldn’t blame himself either.”
Jason swallowed. “Yeah,” he said again. “It’s just. It’s hard.”
Shade stroked a hand down the side of Jason’s face. “Shade knows. But Jason is always getting better. Lots of victories.”
Jason nodded. He was worlds better than how he used to be; even he could admit that.
“What can Jason do?”
“What?”
“To feel better,” Shade clarified. “What can Jason do? Apologize? Send flowers?”
That got a chuckle out of Jason. “Kylie’d probably get a kick out of flowers. Sorry I almost broke your rib. She’d probably get the card laminated.”
“Then good idea,” Shade said approvingly. “Make Kylie laugh.”
“Yeah. Yeah, okay. That’s not a bad idea.”
“Jason knows where she lives? Could send flowers to home. Or work?”
“Oh no, I’ll totally send them to work,” Jason said, getting into the idea. “She’ll get a big bouquet of flowers at base. It’ll be hilarious.”
“Good.” Shade smiled. “Want to do now?”
Jason nodded and sat up, pulling out his phone. He’d never ordered flowers before, but Shade showed him a good website that delivered. He carefully typed in Kylie’s name, the instructions for delivery, and the words on the card, and then paid a little extra for next-day delivery. He felt lighter after it was all arranged. He was doing something for Kylie, and apologizing, and he knew she’d find it funny, that she was getting flowers and a note.
“I feel better,” he told Shade, after he got the confirmation email. “Thank you.”
“Shade is glad.”
“I’m sorry you had to come home to deal with me,” Jason said, nuzzling into him. He was tired from working out and the adrenaline drain and kind of just felt like cuddling.
Shade put an arm around Jason’s shoulder and pulled him closer. “Is okay. Can do more tomorrow. Painting less important than Jason.”
“I’ll remember that,” Jason said, trying for a smile.
“Mm. Want to watch something?”
“Yeah, that sounds good. Could you, um, could you call Chase though? Let him know I’m okay.”
Shade nodd
ed and smiled. “Was going to. Will do now.”
“Thanks.”
Jason pulled up the German miniseries that he and Shade were in the middle of, while Shade dialed Chase’s internal line and told him that things were okay. On their way to being better.
THOUGH CHASE had been assured that Jason was fine, he still was anxious to see him. Fewer things sent Jason into a panic now, but hurting someone else was always going to be a trigger for him. He was glad that Shade had been able to go home to be with him.
When he entered the apartment, he went straight into the living room. Jason was reading a book, Shade curled up on the couch next to him, eyes closed.
“Hey,” Jason said, looking up from his book with a smile. “Welcome home.”
“You’re okay?” Chase asked, moving to cup Jason’s face in his hands.
Jason covered Chase’s hands with his own. “Yeah, fine. Shade helped a lot. Thanks for, uh, thanks for thinking of it.”
“Tell me about it?”
Jason set his book on the coffee table and then pulled Chase down into his lap, telling him about how he’d ordered Kylie flowers and an I’m Sorry card.
“I think she’ll get a kick out of it,” he finished.
“I’m sure she will.” Chase smiled. “How long has Shade been out?”
“He powered down a few minutes ago. Just before you got home.”
“Okay. I won’t wake him up, then.” He looked over fondly at Shade. “I’m always glad when he gets some more sleep.”
Jason curled a hand over Chase’s back. “You want to tell me how your day went?”
“It went well! It’s different from the youth center— I’m mostly doing career counseling here. But I like it.”
“That’s because you love helping people.”
“Guilty as charged.” Chase shifted in Jason’s lap, turning to face him better. “There was one father who had brought his special-needs son with him, a little four-year-old boy, and he was so cute. After they were done with me, the father told him that he had done such a good job sitting quietly, and the boy just… his whole face brightened, and he said, ‘I listened!’ so proud of himself. It was adorable.”