Ted just showed me Than’s article. I hope you’re okay. I know everyone will look after you and I’ll be back as soon as I can. I really, really want to be back before the course finishes.
There’s so much for us to talk about and to share, and I can’t wait for all of it. Last night was amazing. I’m a slow, cautious kind of person when it comes to my heart, and I’ll tell you all about that when we see each other next. But for now, know that you’re a very special person. I love spending time with you and I can’t wait till I see you again.
Just remember how strong you are.
Bay
x
Doreen goes quiet, and I swear I can hear her sniffing.
I can’t bring myself to say anything. There. That’s the Bay I know. On that piece of paper that my friend is busy crying all over. And the best thing is, on that piece of paper is the proof that he wasn’t keeping any kind of secret from me. There were no lies either. We just hadn’t got round to that bit of the conversation yet.
‘You still there?’ comes Geoff’s voice down the phone.
‘I’m here!’ I say, smiling to hear his voice. ‘Is Doreen okay?’
‘Ah she’s fine, great big softy. But you could have been waiting for an age for her to compose herself!’ he laughs. ‘You okay, love?’
‘Okay? Very okay. I’ve got loads to tell you both when I see you,’ I say, making the snap decision that I want to share my news in person when I get back to The Farm. Because all of a sudden, I know that’s where I need to go next.
‘You’re coming back? That’s brilliant!’ I can see his beaming face in my mind’s eye, and hear a squeak of excitement from Doreen in the background. I turn and head back towards the restaurant.
‘Look, I’d better go. I’ll see you soon, okay? And Geoff? Thank you!’
‘Wait! Tori! There’s something else we should tell you!’ comes Geoff’s voice, and it sounds urgent.
‘Go for it!’ I say, coming to a halt outside the restaurant and peering through the windows for a glimpse of my friends at the back.
‘There was another reason for Rowan getting grounded. She—’
‘Oh. My. God!’ I breathe.
‘What? You okay?’
‘Don’t tell me,’ I say, ‘she gave Bay the details of where I’m having dinner, didn’t she?’
‘How on earth did you know that?’
Because I’ve just managed to spot Hugh and Sue at our table. And Bay is sitting in my chair.
‘Gotta go!’ I squeak. I hang up on Geoff and push straight into the restaurant.
What on earth am I going to say?
I stare at the little group and start walking towards them. I feel like a zombie, weaving between the tables and other diners. The poor, bemused waiting staff have to duck out of my way as I can’t take my eyes off of Bay, laughing with my friends.
I manage to make it most of the way before Bay, as if sensing my presence, twists in his chair and spots me. He gets awkwardly to his feet and we stand and stare at each other for several long seconds.
Sue and Hugh just sit there, grinning at me like a couple of lemons. I still don’t move.
‘Don’t forget these!’ Sue’s voice cuts into our little bubble.
Bay reaches over and takes something from her. ‘I . . . I brought you something,’ he says finally, walking towards me. In his arms he’s holding a pair of bright yellow wellington boots, with an enormous bunch of flowers poking out of each one.
I take them and hug them to me with one arm.
‘I read – I mean, I heard your letter,’ I say.
‘And?’ he asks. He’s smiling at me, but clearly nervous that this might turn out to be a public rerun of earlier.
‘And, I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘I should have trusted you.’
‘Well, I reckon I can let you off due to special circumstances,’ he says, not taking his eyes off me.
I nod my thanks.
‘But, did it . . . I don’t know . . . did it help at all?’ he asks.
I nod again. There’s so much I want to say, but I feel like I’m going to have to choke the words out around a lump that has mysteriously appeared in my throat.
Bay seems to understand. He steps forward, closing the distance between us until we’re almost touching.
‘It was you,’ I whisper. I can’t tear my eyes off him. ‘The letter. It was you. The you I know and this you. It was the link I was missing.’
Bay reaches out, takes my free hand and laces his fingers through mine. I feel the hard calluses of his garden-rough hand and smile up at him.
‘Then, we’re okay?’ The little quaver in his voice goes straight to my heart.
‘More than,’ I say. Reaching up, I kiss him gently, the wellies and flowers squashed between us.
Chapter 39
The Beginning
‘Every single second can be a new beginning. It’s too easy to get caught up in the past and let your life slip by as you mourn the mistakes you’ve made, the decisions you regret or the paths you didn’t take.
‘Every single second can be a new beginning. But this time you’re not a beginner . . . you start with a whole heap of experience and hope in your heart.’
©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com
*
As Bay swings Frank to a standstill at the top of the lane, I can’t help but laugh.
‘What? You don’t want me to “walk the track” again, do you? This isn’t my first time, you know!’
Bay grins over at me. ‘Just kidding!’ he says, and we carry on, bouncing our way over the rough slates towards The Farm, where our friends are waiting for us.
Friends.
That word has more meaning to me now than it did just a few weeks ago. Doreen and Geoff. Moth, Messa and the others. Even Rowan. All friends. All on my side.
And then, of course, there’s Bay. Over the past couple of days, there’s barely been a moment’s silence between us when we’ve been together. Hugh and Sue decided to head home the day after their epic sightseeing session, so while Bay’s been at work, I’ve started pulling notes and ideas together for the book. In the evenings, though, we’ve spent every single second getting to know everything about each other. Everything.
I even told him about my mum. How it really was between us, and how it just got worse the more she drank. I told him about the relief I feel at no longer having to justify my life to her, no longer having to hear that I am her biggest disappointment. I told him about how guilty this all makes me feel.
I also told him that I should have been with her the night of the accident. If I hadn’t ignored her call, I would have been driving, and maybe the accident wouldn’t have happened at all. Or maybe I would have died too. There it is. There’s the ‘what if’ that’s at the heart of my phobia.
Of course, sharing hasn’t miraculously made it all go away, but it feels like another step in taking back control of my life. Bay is definitely the best friend I could have ever hoped for. He’s the best at a lot of other stuff too.
We’ve both been granted our wish to get back to The Farm before the course is over. Bay’s colleague Greg has already been able to take back the reins of his project, though he’ll be mostly directing his team from the comfort of his wheelchair.
*
As Frank bounces into the yard, my attention is brought firmly back into the present by Dennis barking in the seat between us.
‘Oi, hound, what’re you complaining about? We’re home!’ I say, patting his head excitedly. He wags his tail, struggling against his seatbelt harness to stand up and peer properly through the windscreen. Then I see what he’s barking at. Rowan is heading down the yard to meet us.
‘Tori!’ she squeals as I push the door open and struggle to hop down onto my stiff legs.
‘Hey, Rowan!’
To my delight, she throws her arms around me and hugs me tight. I squeeze her back, but not for long as Dennis forces his way between us.
‘Hello, idiot!’ laug
hs Rowan, bending down to ruffle his fur. He promptly throws himself on his back, demanding a belly rub.
‘I thought you were still grounded?’ says Bay, throwing his arm around me.
Rowan looks up at us and grins. ‘Nah, I made a deal with Dad,’ she says, still tickling Dennis’s stomach while he squirms, tongue lolling out of his mouth like a complete loon.
‘Of course you did,’ laughs Bay.
‘Well, turns out that extra help around the house and with chores is more useful than keeping me off my phone, so . . .’ Straightening up, she takes her phone out of her jeans pocket and waves it at us.
‘Shall we go find the others?’ Bay asks me.
‘Yay!’ It’s the only thing to say. I’ve missed them.
‘No, wait . . . I’ve got to tell you something first!’ says Rowan.
‘Uh oh,’ I say, coming to a halt. Rowan’s smiling this time, but this feels a tad too familiar for my liking!
‘Don’t panic, it’s something good. Guess what?’
‘Rowan!’ Ted’s voice calls from the top of the yard. ‘Stop hogging Tori and Bay! Your mum needs you.’
‘But—’ she groans.
‘Now.’
‘Fine.’ She slouches off up the path, Dennis following hot on her heels in pursuit of more belly rubs.
Ted reaches us and with a huge, tired grin, he flings his arms around Bay. ‘So glad you could make it back!’ he says.
‘Me too,’ says Bay.
‘Tori!’ Ted throws his arms around me too, and I squeeze him back, bobbly jumper and all.
‘What was Rowan about to tell us?’ I ask.
‘Oh. Well, that’s not for me to say. I think Lizzie wants to tell you.’
‘But it’s not bad news?’ I check, worried that the chaos Nathan caused has had some kind of negative effect on The Farm.
Ted shakes his head. ‘No bad news here.’
Bay takes my hand and we follow Ted towards the house. For a dizzying second I think he’s about to lead us straight into the house itself, but instead he heads for the main fire pit, where everyone is hanging out around a lovely fire.
There’s general pandemonium as they all rush over to us, and we find ourselves caught in the centre of a very happy, very huggy pile-up. It takes a good ten minutes before we’re all perched back on the bales around the fire.
Doreen’s right next to me, and one of my hands is in hers. My other hand is still in Bay’s. The heat of their palms in mine heads straight up my arms, and my heart has never felt so warm. Maybe Doreen was right – perhaps they are turning me into a hippy.
‘Go on then, Tori!’ says Geoff, waving his cup of tea at me from across the fire. ‘What’s the big news you had to share with us?’
No, no, this isn’t right. I’m the one meant to be finding out the news first!
‘If I tell my news, will you tell me yours?’ I ask Ted.
He looks at Lizzie, comfortably ensconced in a chair next to him, the little one nestled into her front.
‘Deal,’ says Lizzie. ‘You first!’
‘Okay. Well, the best thing ever happened when I was in London.’
‘We can see that,’ Doreen smiles at me, nodding at my hand clasped in Bay’s.
I grin at her. ‘Okay, you’re right. The second best thing ever, then . . .’
Doreen chuckles, and Rowan nudges her from the other side. ‘Shhh . . . or she’ll never tell us!’
‘Well, it’s thanks to you really, Rowan. I met with a publisher when I was there. And they’re interested in turning my blog into a book.’
A massive cheer goes up, and there are questions left and right and centre. I can’t stop beaming as I say, ‘Well, at least one good thing came from Nathan’s article!’
‘More than one good thing!’ says Ted. ‘Since you posted your response on your blog, our bookings have gone completely mad!’
‘But . . . I haven’t posted my review yet,’ I say, perplexed. ‘I wanted to finish the course first!’
‘No, but you gave us a lovely mention in your post, and it’s been incredible. So, thank you. Not just for that, but for everything,’ he nods over at his baby daughter.
I shake my head, slightly embarrassed. I don’t deserve this praise, this thanks.
‘And that leads us to our next bit of news,’ says Lizzie, bouncing the baby on her lap.
I hold my breath.
‘We’ve decided on a name for this little munchkin,’ she says.
I let the breath out. Thank heavens, the spotlight is off me.
‘We’ve decided to call her Victoria. After you.’ Lizzie beams at me.
I don’t know what to say, or where to look, so I turn to Rowan, who’s grinning at me.
‘She’s going to be Vicca for short. Because you were amazing.’
That’s it. They’ve finally broken me. I feel two huge tears break free and slide down my cheeks.
*
Moving back into the yurt with Bay and Dennis, even if it is only for a couple of nights, has to be one of the most joyous moments of my life so far. And given the amazing things that have happened to me over the past few days, that’s saying something. This is the first place I’ve truly felt the sense of being at home, something I never felt for the house I grew up in, nor my London flat.
Speaking of the flat, that’s something else I did while I was in London. I called my landlord. To be fair to the man, he was perfectly nice to me. I realized that I’d allowed my overactive imagination and anxiety-prone brain to turn him into the ‘Big Baddy’. The poor guy was only doing what he had to do. I explained that I’d be able to pay him as soon as the advance for my book lands.
While we were on the phone, I also handed in my notice on the flat. I’m not one hundred per cent sure what my next move is going to be, but with Bay in my life, I know it’s going to be an exciting one.
*
I wake up to the sound of birds and the soft light of ridiculous o’clock creeping into the yurt. For a second, I just lie still and listen to the interweaving harmonies of the songbirds outside and the two sets of gentle snoring inside. I’m exactly where I want to be, snuggled up next to Bay with one of his arms wrapped around me. And Dennis is exactly where he wants to be, fast asleep on my bed over on the other side of the yurt.
I’m glad they’re both asleep. I’ve got something I want to do, and the sounds of the early morning are beckoning. I’m ready.
I carefully slip out from under Bay’s arm, pausing as he stirs in his sleep – and then I relax as he turns over and his breathing becomes deep and even once more.
I get dressed quickly and quietly and am just pulling my yellow wellies on by the door when a cold, wet nose and wagging tail demand my attention. Dennis is awake, and clearly quite keen to join me on my early morning mission. I ruffle his ears and briefly consider ordering him back to bed. But I change my mind and we set off together.
The morning is crisp and clear, and the fields teem with life. Last week’s rain has made the greens even brighter and everything feels full of possibility, full of hope.
When I reach the top of the hill, I pause. I don’t want to turn back this time; I don’t want to run away and hide. I’ve got one more thing to face while I’m here, and then I really will have done everything that this place has asked of me.
Coming back to The Farm in time to finish the retreat has meant a lot to me. I’ve been able to work with all the tutors some more, and I’ve had the chance to talk to both Ted and Lizzie about Mum’s accident, our relationship and about my guilt and grief. I know I’ve still got a long way to go, but the steps I’ve already taken on the journey have shifted something deep inside of me.
I glance down at Dennis. He’s sitting in the grass next to me, completely content to watch and wait for my next move. Question is, am I ready to make it?
‘Ready,’ I say quietly, and together we stride down the hill.
I duck under the trees at the bottom and pause again as the sound of the river
reaches my ears. I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. I can see running water. I can hear the pounding of the river. But it isn’t taking me over.
Bending forward, I slip out of my wellingtons and peel off my socks. I roll up the legs of my trousers and straighten back up to stand, barefoot, on the shingle bank.
The sound of the river fills my ears. I take a step forward. Then another. I keep walking until my toes are right at the edge of the water. I pause.
I look behind me. Dennis is sitting by my boots, watching me, tail wagging and tongue lolling. I turn to face the river again. The sound of water is all around me. I take a deep breath in. For a brief second I see my mother’s face, and then it’s gone, replaced by the water swirling in front of me. I breathe out.
I breathe in.
I’m ready.
I breathe out and step into the river.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
My first thanks goes to my mum for all her gentle support, and to Pops for being the biggest champion of creativity I’ve ever met. I miss you both very much.
To my family – Dad and Jill, Rhian and Graham, Ross and Amberina, Sebby and Echo – thank you for all your love.
Huge thanks to the Books and the City team for scooping Tori out of the #OneDay submissions pile and wanting to read the rest of her story. A special shout-out to Bec Farrell and Sara-Jade Virtue for all your support and hard work – it has been amazing working with you.
A big cheer for all the authors and bloggers who have inspired me over the years, but special thanks to Heidi Swain, Darcie Boleyn, T. A. Williams, Kim Nash and Mary Lewis for being amazing friends and cheerleaders while I’ve been navigating the overwhelming waters of crafting a debut novel.
The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness Page 31