by S S Bazinet
Peggy felt her breath catch. She’d had a horrible dream about Arel. In the first part of the dream, he’d explained he had to sever his ties to her. Next, he’d promised to take care of Col permanently. In the dream, Peggy had the distinct feeling she wouldn’t see him again. When she woke up, she wanted to believe the dream wasn’t real. Now, she wasn’t so sure. She reached out to Elise. “Gone? Gone where?”
Elise hesitated. “Arel left me. He didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me what he planned to do. When I woke up, I found a note he’d left.”
“What exactly did the note say?”
“Your wonderful friend and my lovely husband didn’t waste words. He simply said he wasn’t the man for me and told me to get on with my life.”
Peggy felt herself beginning to shake and clenched her fists. “Oh no, he told me he was going to take care of that beast, but I prayed he didn’t do anything drastic.”
Elise stared back and shrugged. “What beast? What are you talking about?”
Peggy pulled herself together long enough to look at Elise. Clearly the confused woman had no idea about Arel and Peggy’s past life connection, or the man who’d had them burned at the stake. But if Arel was in trouble, Peggy didn’t have time to explain herself. “Is Carey or Michael here? What about William?”
Elise stepped back and grimaced. “In case you’re worried about Arel, William called me and told me he’d found him. He also said Arel was fine.”
Peggy let out the breath she was holding. “Oh, thank goodness for that.”
Elise didn’t seem to share Peggy’s attitude. “My marriage is over, but I’m glad one of us is happy.”
Peggy reached out for Elise’s hand. “It might not help much, but I know that Arel loves you, and the last thing he wants is to hurt you.”
Elise looked away and sniffled. “You have no idea how much I’d like to believe you.”
“Elise, I’m sure there’s an explanation for what Arel did. Don’t lose faith in him.” Peggy followed the statement up with the best smile she could muster.
Before Elise responded, there was a knock at the door. Peggy startled at the sound but quickly recovered. “That’s probably Carol. She called me, and I asked her to meet me here. I hope you don’t mind.”
Elise wearily picked up Freddie and walked towards the kitchen. “Mind? Why should I mind? Arel is gone, Annabel is telling me crazy stuff, and you’re talking about a beast. But what the heck, the more the merrier. I’ll put on more coffee.”
Thirty-Five
AREL LOOKED AT William and Carey and went back to staring into space, trying to think. They were all seated in the condo’s living area. It was a group meeting with Col as the subject. William and Arel finally agreed on something. Col couldn’t be allowed to threaten anyone else.
Arel felt well enough physically. After Rafael had helped with his initial injury, Carey added his own healing touch. Between the two angels, Arel’s face was almost back to normal. Emotionally, he was still struggling. He’d tried his best to help with a tough situation, and he’d failed miserably.
He glanced up at William and Carey. “I’ve questioned Rolphe’s loyalty in the past, but after considering what happened, I’m sure he saved me from Col. I’ll have to thank him for that.”
William drummed his fingers on the upholstered arm of his chair and looked at Carey. “Can we be certain of that, Carey? Do you agree with Arel’s assessment of what happened?”
Carey nodded. “From what I know, everything is stable, at least for now. Rolphe is following Arel’s plan to stay with Col for however long it’s necessary.”
“That’s a plus,” Arel said.
William frowned. “You don’t sound too happy about it.”
“I’m grateful. Rolphe did us all a big favor, but—”
“What is it?” Carey asked.
Arel stiffened. “Do either of you have any suggestions about how I can smooth things over with Elise?”
William let out a scoffing laugh. “Smooth things over? You left her a very damning note.”
Arel stared at his hands. He was clenching them anxiously and let out a heavy breath. He was tired of always feeling he’d done something wrong. There had to be a better way of handling his life. “If Elise despises me, perhaps I should play out what I started.”
Carey leaned forward. “Are you thinking about leaving Elise?”
Arel forced himself to relax a little and sit back on the couch. “Wouldn’t it be better that way? William is living proof I’m not fit to be a friend, much less a husband. Elise is a wonderful, happy person. She deserves someone better than me.”
“But Elise loves you,” Carey countered.
“Listen, Carey, I love her too, but I’m trying to do the right thing.”
William’s lids narrowed into slits of disgust. “Oh come off it. If you leave Elise, you’re taking the coward’s way out.”
Arel’s first thought was to defend himself. But he wasn’t only tired of guilt, he was tired of fighting with William. “Maybe that’s what I do. Instead of handling things properly with the Col situation, I took the easy way out. I closed down my heart and everything went wrong. As a result, Col could have finished me off and then gone after Elise and the people I was supposed to be protecting.”
William’s scowl deepened. “You act like it always comes down to you. Don’t forget I had my shields protecting them. So did Rolphe.”
Arel looked away, but he didn’t comment.
Carey smiled. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, Arel. You tried something very daring and brave when you severed your bond to everyone.”
William stilled his hand. “Whatever, it was still a ridiculous thing to do.”
Arel stared back. William was determined to keep playing the blame game. “If you had to leave Annabel behind, would you want her to grieve over you after you were gone?”
Carey interrupted. “Arel, maybe we should get back to what you can do now. Even if you think Elise would be better off without you, shouldn’t you at least talk to her about your feelings?”
“He’s right. You have to face her,” William said.
Arel felt something inside of him rally. It was telling him that he needed to stop letting fear run his life. And his biggest fears centered around the pain of being cut off from the people he loved and the fear of losing Elise. He had to come to terms with those facts or keep being the coward William accused him of being. He stood up and looked at Carey and William. “I agree with you both. Let’s go.”
Carey stood up too and handed Arel the keys to the Mustang. “I found these on the foyer table when we got here. Rolphe must have left them for you. William and I have Elise’s car. Do you want to drive home in yours?”
Arel looked at the keys and gave them back to Carey. “Why don’t you take the Mustang back? William and I will follow in Elise’s car.”
“The Mustang? Sounds good to me,” Carey said as he headed for the door. “I’ll put Elise’s keys on the foyer table.”
Arel looked at William, a person he could confide in. “Before we go back to the house, could we talk about something?”
William crossed his arms and stood back. “What do you want to talk about?”
“I’d appreciate your thoughts on how to go forward. Like you said, I’m always thinking my way is better. But I respect you and how fearless you can be. Maybe you can help me change the way I handle life.”
* * * * *
William studied Arel, not knowing what to say. Arel’s request sounded genuine, but Arel wasn’t one to let anyone else call the shots. Arel seemed to understand William’s concern and dropped his shields. He gave William full access to his thoughts.
After a quick check, William was satisfied. Arel wasn’t hiding anything, but it was the look in Arel’s eyes that caught William off guard. It was like he was looking at a very watchful child. William was reminded of an extraordinary experience he’d had months before. During a crisis, he’d gone back in time
. He didn’t talk to a grownup Arel. He conversed with a very young, six-year-old Arel.
William found that child version not only bright and vulnerable, but also very courageous. After being hated by a mother who prayed for his demise, little Arel still wanted her love and soldiered on. William had promised that child that he would do everything he could to help the boy when he grew up. The thought of that child looking out at him now made his anger dissolve as quickly as it had erupted. “I’m sorry I haven’t helped you through all this. I truly am.”
Arel hesitated. “Tell me the truth, Will. Do you think I’ll ever be the man I’m supposed to be?”
William reflected on Arel’s question. “If I knew what a man is supposed to be, I’d have something to tell you. After what we’ve gone through, I haven’t a clue about a lot of things.”
“But did you mean it when you said I was a coward?”
William thought about how Arel had once battled Rolphe repeatedly after Rolphe had tried to kill William. It was only one of the many times Arel tried to be a friend and brother. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”
“And I wish I didn’t constantly disappoint you, Will.”
“Please, let’s not get into all that.”
Arel laughed. “Right.”
The sound of Arel being able to lighten up helped William to think more clearly. “As far as Elise is concerned, why don’t you let her decide what to do next? If she accepts your apology, work it out from there.”
Arel was still smiling, but his eyes turned doubtful. “Work it out? Even if Elise takes me back, it’ll probably be because she feels sorry for me. It was so easy to read her mind after I told her about my past. She thinks of me as some crazy person, not the man she married.”
William shrugged, but he didn’t know what else to say.
Arel started for the door. “I’ll do what I can to be there for her, but I don’t think I can live with her labels.”
Thirty-Six
ELISE BROUGHT MORE coffee over to refill Peggy and Carol’s cups. After talking with her friends, friends who had known Arel longer than she’d known him, she felt a little better. During their chat, William had called again. He said he and Arel were driving back to the house. Elise looked at Peggy, then Carol. “Arel will be here soon, and I don’t know what to do.”
Carol put her mug on the table and grabbed her napkin. “Kevin once got so upset, he nearly got himself killed.”
Elise’s eyes widened in surprise. “You’re kidding.”
Peggy chimed in. “My brother was so worried about having a child he went out jogging and nearly got run over. It was a heck of a time for all of us.”
“I even left him for a short time,” Carol said.
Elise frowned and crossed her arms. “I’ve been worried that Arel’s afraid of the same thing, having a family. Do you think that’s what triggered his illness and this latest debacle?”
“Maybe he’s concerned, but I think there’s more to it,” Peggy said.
“Peggy, I wanted to ask you about something,” Elise said. “You mentioned the dream I had. You said the man in the dream was dangerous.”
“Please don’t upset yourself, Peggy,” Carol said, “but I’m wondering too. Do you think it was the same man you saw haunting you?”
Peggy nodded.
“Are you talking about some kind of psychic attack?” Elise asked. “I’ve heard of them, but I always thought they were just something someone made up.”
Peggy stared at her lap and shook her head. “No, they’re real.”
Elise was curious. She’d read a lot about the paranormal but hadn’t taken much of it seriously. She wondered if she’d been missing something. After all, she hadn’t believed in telepathy until Arel demonstrated how capable he was in knowing what she was thinking. “Peggy, you also told me something about Arel trying to protect us. How could he do that?”
Peggy shrugged. “I don’t know exactly. He’s always surprised me. For example, he has healing abilities, but at other times, I’ve seen him totally unable to help himself get out of bed.”
“Healing abilities?” Elise asked.
Carol smiled. “Arel’s a mystery, Elise. After knowing him, we’ve all decided that there’s more to life than what we think there is.”
Freddie jumped out of his basket and began barking as he ran to the front door.
Elise jumped up too. “Oh my lord, Arel must be back.”
Peggy and Carol both stood up.
“We better go,” Carol said as she and Peggy started for the back door. “You need to talk to Arel alone.”
Elise hugged herself, suddenly more anxious than ever. “No, please stay. I think I need some support.”
Carol stopped and turned back. “Of course, we’re here for you.”
* * * * *
Arel opened the door to his house as quietly as possible. William and Carey were right behind him as he stepped into the foyer. He’d told them they didn’t have to be there, but they said they wanted to help in any way they could.
Just hours earlier, Arel had resigned himself to never seeing his home again. It should have been a place of comfort. Instead, he entered the residence with his heart pounding. Like it always did, his mind was chastising him. He’d hurt Elise. He wounded the person he’d happily vowed to love forever.
Freddie was the first to greet him. The little dog was excitedly jumping up, wanting Arel to acknowledge him. Arel couldn’t resist the welcoming gesture and automatically scooped Freddie up. As he held the pup close and ran a nervous hand over the dog’s soft fur, he heard his name being called out. He looked up and saw Elise coming towards him. He handed Freddie off to Carey and returned his gaze to Elise. He didn’t know what to say to her. He simply stood there, rooted to the spot in the middle of the foyer.
Elise stopped a few feet away from him. She looked uneasy too, but she finally managed a few words. “Don’t you love me anymore, Arel?”
The question shook Arel to his core. On the drive back to the house, he’d been backsliding. Sure, he wanted to face his fears, but it was hard after a lifetime of feeling he couldn’t measure up. Proofs of his inadequacies were piled one atop another, like dry kindling waiting to burst into flame. Elise’s question was the match that did just that. A flash of images lit up his mind.
He’d always been an affliction to the women in his life. In his earliest memories, his mother stood out. When he tried to come near her, her face was filled with loathing and disgust. Then there was Justina, his first love. Her young, innocent face had filled with horror and hate when he failed to do what she wanted. Most recently there had been Claire. Her expression was bitter and mocking when she told him how laughable he was. Afterwards, she left him wondering what more he could have done to satisfy her.
But inadequacy wasn’t only in his past. Now, he’d become Elise’s nightmare. She stared at him bravely, but the hurt was there. It shown not only in her teary eyes, but it reached out to embed itself in his heart. Her pain became part of all the pain he’d experienced from all those he’d tried to love.
Over time, he’d hoped to get stronger and more resilient. He did what he could to bear the pain that came at him from so many sources, but the fresh pain Elise thrust at him was too much. This latest burden felt like it might crush him. It was time to take a stand. He had to let go of what others wanted from him.
He looked back at Elise and finally gave her his answer. “You think I left you, Elise, but the minute I told you my story, you left me. You judged me, and in your mind, I became your insane husband, a person you pitied. I know I’m responsible for not telling you my story sooner, but I loved you and didn’t want to lose you. I still love you, but I can’t change who I am.”
* * * * *
As soon as Elise saw Arel standing in the foyer, holding Freddie, she knew she wanted him back. She wanted his arms around her, holding her close. She wanted to feel his warmth and his tender touch. But did he want her? If he did, why
did he leave?
When she stepped forward and asked him if he still loved her, Arel didn’t say anything at first. There were long, tedious moments of silence. She used those moments to wish with all her heart that she could know what he was thinking. She wanted to understand what was in his heart and connect to its truth. As she held tight to her wish, it felt like Arel granted her entrance to who he was. They had shared thoughts before, but this was even more intimate.
At first, she was almost overwhelmed. Arel’s heart was filled with so much love. There was also a great desire to share that love. Elise sensed how hard he’d tried to express what was housed within and how he was met with rejection. It became a pattern that followed him through life. It had followed him into that very moment when he stood in the foyer in front of her.
Elise found herself relating to Arel’s feelings. So many times, she’d wanted to love another and be loved. But her relationships never seemed to work. She always picked the wrong men, men who were incapable of truly loving her back. After years of bitterness, she met Arel and everything changed.
She was contemplating their shared love and how they were like a matched pair when Arel finally answered her question. But he didn’t give her a “yes” or “no” when it came to loving her. He began to relate his side of the situation.
Arel said she was the one to leave him first. It was hard to listen to his accusation because she knew he was telling her the truth. After Arel came home from London, he’d confided in her. He’d told her about his background. She responded by putting distance between them. He wasn’t her wonderful Arel anymore. He was some crazy, mental case.
He was right about her judging him too. How could she accept being with a person who’d lost their mind? As for the part of telling her his story sooner, she had to admit that if he had, they probably would never have married. Yet the months following their wedding had been so amazing. Their time was filled with a purity of affection and unbridled devotion to one another.
So where did that leave her? Would she let Arel’s story destroy their life with each other? What was a story compared to the love they shared? She didn’t have to think about it for very long.