Adeline watched him carefully and Richard saw in her eyes that she was melting a little under his words. It gave him the courage to continue.
“The truth is that when I rescued you, I was searching for you. I had seen Arabella and it made me wonder whether or not you were present. I could not simply ride away from the fight knowing that you might be there. I could not risk leaving you behind nor could I accept the thought of never seeing you again. I would have spent weeks wondering about your safety until finally I made my way to Dunmore to find you,” he finished.
Well, he hadn’t finished yet, but he needed to read her for a response, or allow her to speak, or whatever it might be that could give him a sense of how she was feeling.
Adeline seemed unable to speak, but he saw that she was overwhelmed by his words, that she heard everything she wished to hear from him. Richard knew that he had every opportunity to continue, but before he could, he had to take a moment and simply gaze on her.
His eyes drifted from the pale blonde roots of her hair to the perfectly formed eyebrows and into those deep brown eyes surrounded by thick, black lashes. His eyes rested over her softly rounded cheeks and the pointed nose that hovered over strawberry colored lips that met with a gently downturned angle. Beneath them, her chin rounded and he could not keep from looking at her.
“Adeline,” he began again. “I understand that this is a lot. I know we have had a week of strong events where you were almost killed and that everything has come as a bit of a shock, but you have become something immense to me. You have become something I desire more than anything else.”
Once more Richard had to pause. He had said so much already. He allowed himself to indulge in his thoughts a moment longer, to wonder what she was thinking and if he was a madman for what he was about to ask her. However, he wanted her so desperately. He could not imagine his life without her now that she was in it.
Adeline, this woman, this orphaned, broken child who had grown into such an amazing young woman, such an exquisite, magnificent being. She was here before him and looking on him with kindness and compassion.
“Have ye any more to say?” she asked him, unsure of where his words were heading.
“I do, indeed,” he replied with a nervous exhale.
“Then I ask that ye please say it. Because I am hanging on yer every word,” she confessed with a gentle laugh.
“You are?” he asked.
“Truly I am. Ye have spoken so kindly to me and I cannot deny that ye have said everything I wished to hear from ye since ye kissed me this morning,” she said, admitting a little more of herself.
“Well then,” Richard continued. “Please allow me just this one kiss.”
He leaned in and Adeline responded. Their kiss was brief, but sweet. They parted slowly but their eyes remained intact.
“So, what else was it that ye wanted to say to me?” she asked.
“Just that I know I was strange this morning. I know that after our kiss I was quiet and seemed aloof. I know that it may have been confusing for you.
“And if you are angry at me because I have been quiet today, if you feel that I have done something wrong, please do forgive me. The truth is that I have simply been overwhelmed and unsure what to do or how to respond.
“But I want you to know, more than anything, that I find myself utterly, completely in love with you. I never expected such a thing. I never imagined it would happen this quickly. I never imagined that last week I would meet a woman and days later I would find myself desiring nothing except her.
“But here you are. And here I am. And I cannot allow you to return to your family and them to see me and to believe than anything untoward has passed between us.
“So, if you will please indulge me just this once more, just a little longer…”
Adeline was quiet, allowing him to continue. He saw in her eyes that she desperately wanted to know where his words were leading, but he doubted that she fully expected what he would say next. He took a breath again to prepare himself for his request and slowly released it before saying the words.
“Would you consent to being my wife?”
The Will To Be Alone
“Ahem,” Richard cleared his throat for the third time.
Adeline knew what he was prompting her to say. She knew that he was waiting for her to respond eagerly with a resounding yes. She wanted to give it to him, she knew that he expected it. She knew that it was exactly what a woman like her could only dream of.
However, Adeline’s stomach stirred in anxiety. She looked up at him with her curious eyes, wondering if he had truly uttered those words.
Did he really just ask her that? Did he say what she thought he said? Had he truly asked her to be his wife?
“Um…” she replied, knowing something had to come from her lips. The words were caught. She had to think, to process this proposal. No matter how she might have desired those words to be asked of her, no matter how she had longed for it the night before, she did not allow herself to trust that he was being honest now.
Was it possible that Richard truly wanted to marry her? Could he actually have meant what he asked? Did he wish for Adeline to be his wife now and forevermore?
Or was it something underneath all that? A hint of…burden…in his tone? A small utterance of what he was expected to do rather than what he wished?
It seemed too good to be true that Richard had honestly wanted her to be his wife. No matter how desperately Adeline would have loved for him to have meant it, she felt certain that he could not. There was no sense in hoping that this English lieutenant was really ready to give up all of his prestige and pomp for her sake. He would never marry a lass like her.
Yes, his words were not spoken as a man who truly desired her, but rather as a man who wished to protect her. A man who felt obligated to care for her and ensure she was safe.
The hurt of that knowledge was too much. Adeline felt the pain inside of how desperately she wanted him to look after her, to take care of her, and to protect her. However, she wanted more than that. She wanted Richard to love her. She felt certain that this was not an option he was proposing from his heart.
Adeline felt the concern of his intentions and it weighed heavily on her in those moments of silence. It was as if pressure had built a wall around her small form.
In that moment, she realized that she had a choice. She could live her life pretending that he loved her, or she could spare him the burden.
It was noble, what Richard was trying to do. It was noble that he wanted to care for her, to spare her reputation after being alone with him, for wishing to be her guard for all time. It was the nobility that seemed to run in the blood of soldiers.
Nevertheless, it was not love. Nobility and love were two vastly different things and Adeline had seen that on a daily basis around Dunmore.
For that reason alone, her mind was made up. “Forgive me silence,” Adeline began. A spark lit in Richard’s eyes now that she was speaking and it caused Adeline all the more hesitancy in proceeding with her decision.
“There is nothing to forgive,” Richard exhaled with a smile. He was so clearly relieved by her sudden willingness to speak that Adeline expected he would wait another eternity for just such an opportunity to hear words from her mouth.
“I am grateful for yer offer. Indeed, I find it very…noble…of ye. Ye are a kind man, a good man, the likes of which I have never considered to exist among the Hanoverians. Yes, ye are quite the wonder to me…”
Adeline trailed off, questioning her decision. These things she spoke of were true. He was all this and more. Could she really refuse him?
Inhaling for strength, Adeline proceeded. “Having said that, I fear that I must refuse yer offer. I am grateful. I am honored. But I think it best that I simply tell me family that I hid in the woods alone. They would understand it better and it would save ye from this rushed, though noble, decision,” she said, repeating the word ‘noble’ that she hoped might soften
her rejection.
She wished to appear strong. Although this decision was a painful agony and she was the one who felt rejected simply as a result of his burdened offer, she wished to refuse him verbally in the most gracious way possible.
“It was not of nobility-” Richard began, but was cut off by the small hand of Adeline, raised to silence him.
“Please. I ask that ye respect me decision. I am thankful to ye, more thankful than I can ever confess, but I think it is for the best that we part ways and say our farewells. Ye have a camp to return to and I have me family. They will be worried for me just as I am worried for them,” Adeline explained, ensuring that her words would be final to Richard.
He stood before her, confused and somewhat shocked. Adeline felt her heart drop straight to the pit of her stomach at the realization of his pain. Still, she was convinced that it was the shame of rejection that she saw, rather than the sadness that she would not be his wife.
Adeline was convinced that somewhere deep inside, Richard must feel a great relief that he would not be tied to her. He would not be stuck as her husband simply because he had made a decision to save her once at a wedding.
“But what if they question you about your survival?” Richard asked urgently, as if looking for excuses to keep her there longer, or to change her mind.
Adeline gave him a sad smile. “Who would know? It will be easy for me to say that I survived alone or that a kind innkeeper allowed me to rest. No one will press. It simply isn’t done at Dunmore. I am not a soldier. I need not provide evidence of me whereabouts after escaping an attack. They will trust me.”
“How good it must be to be trusted,” Richard said bitterly, the tone of a man who had been wounded in anguished betrayal.
Adeline saw the sadness in his eyes more fiercely than ever. He was miserable from her rejection. It only convinced Adeline further that it had been the right decision. Better to hurt him now than lead him into a marriage of duty wherein he would be stuck forever.
Richard swallowed and Adeline saw that his eyes were growing hollow. He was deeply dissatisfied by her answer. While her first instinct was to feel compassion, to move toward him and comfort him, apologize and beg for a second chance, to be his wife and the mother of his children, she chose a different path.
No, instead Adeline found herself growing irate. Who was he to feel so entitled to her? Who was he to assume that she ought to commit to him and give herself to be his wife? Who was he to be angry at her refusal?
Why, oh why had she kissed him so eagerly? Why had she allowed herself to indulge in something that she would now come to regret?
However, Adeline didn’t know if she truly regretted it or if she simply felt compelled to anger. Her regret resounded as false as she had assumed his proposal to be. She knew, deep down, that she regretted nothing, that she had enjoyed the taste of him, the feel of him. Moreover, she wanted to be back in his arms again.
Adeline looked at Richard again, into those beautiful green eyes. They watched her with confusion, a muddled hope, a blooming sadness, an unfair anger. She saw all these emotions as she gazed once more at him. She did not want this to be her last look from him, but she saw no other option.
“Ye had best be off. I ken ye’ve got yer men to return to. And I have to go back home and see if they’re all alright. But…be safe. Please,” she said, adding the last part with caution. She didn’t wish to contribute to the emotions he felt, but she had to let him know, even in this small way, that she cared.
It was painful to care so much, but no matter how hard she tried, Adeline could not put it from herself. She was utterly incapable of removing her feelings from this man. She tore herself away, reluctantly, but wisely.
He continued to watch her as she turned and she knew his pained eyes were to be the last thing she saw of him, but it was better than having no final look at all.
“Perhaps we shall meet again someday,” she whispered as the view of him vanished from her peripheral vision. Before her stood the towers of Castle Dunmore and all its glory. She would be home soon and all would be forgotten.
With each agonized step, Adeline listened to the silence from Richard. She would not allow herself to look back, despite knowing that he had not moved, and he continued to watch her. Had she broken his heart? Or had it merely been a wound for his pride?
It did not matter; it could not. She continued to press on and, once she had descended into the shallow valley that nestled around the castle, she was certain that she no longer remained in his view.
Adeline immediately collapsed into the grass then. She lay for a moment, and then sat for a moment, allowing the gentle breeze of an early spring to surround her. She wondered when it had suddenly become so warm. It was as if the cold of the night before had been a long-since memory. For now, against the sun-bathed grass, with the light shining over her, the breeze provided a much needed comfort.
She felt a single tear slowly roll from her left eye and down her cheek. It was not weeping, or unbearable sadness and agonized mourning, it was more like numbness. It was as if that tear represented all she had left to feel and beyond it, there remained no emotional capacity to consider what she had just done.
Was there even a chance that he’d really meant it? He had been quiet the whole morning. He had seemed to regret it all. After that, he did what was expected of him, what would be expected of any respectable, honorable man. Surely, he couldn’t have actually desired her to be his wife.
Adeline remained, not moving from her spot. She was unexpectedly comfortable and that was what she needed in that moment. She knew exactly what awaited her at Dunmore.
It was the relief of seeing her friends safe and well, of having Richard’s words confirmed to her that all was as it should be. It was also the news of those who did not make it. She would learn of those counted among the dead or injured.
Hearing this news would do nothing for her. Despite her need to get home, Adeline decided to give herself just this moment, just this short time to breathe. She could try her best to forget her anxieties, forget her foolishness, forget the kiss, forget the gunfire, and perhaps forget everything except this. This feeling of the cool breeze and the warm grass, and the sun against her cheek.
She closed her eyes and inhaled. The tear was drying upon her skin where it had rolled nearly to her chin. Soon it would be but a vapor, and with it, her fears would vaporize as well.
An Ally For A Man’s Revenge
“Welcome back, Lieutenant!” Mr. Hudson greeted cheerily, as he always tended to do. Richard was thankful for his friend, but he was in no mood for this. He remained in a state of shock after his rejection and the quiet, lonely ride home to the fort.
Richard barely gave his manservant a nod or a smile before entering his tent. He knew that he was being rude and felt deeply sorry for it, but could not seem to will himself the strength to respond alternatively. With that, he went in and laid himself on his cot.
Richard could not help reflecting on what a horrible soldier he had been of late. Not only had he constantly disappeared—and frequently lied about the reasons for it—but he had also been growing less and less devoted to the cause that he was meant to be fighting on behalf of. It was foolishness, but a foolishness that he could not seem to overcome.
He had not yet closed his eyes when he saw a bewildered Mr. Hudson enter behind him.
“Lieutenant Holloway?” the man asked cautiously, as if not entirely sure whether or not he was treading safe territory.
“Yes, Mr. Hudson. Forgive me,” he replied, aware that his rudeness had indeed been noted.
“It is nothing, Lieutenant, so long as you are well,” Mr. Hudson replied.
“So long as I am well?” asked Richard.
Mr. Hudson paused. “Well, it seems as though you are…not…well, Lieutenant.”
Richard sat up on the bed and rested his head in his hands. “Mr. Hudson, you have a wife. A beautiful wife. A wife who adores you and who fawns over th
e children that you begot together as if they are the second most precious thing in this world only to you. But there are those of us who long for such a thing and it is very distant,” Richard mourned.
Mr. Hudson nodded his head. “Yes, Lieutenant. What you say is true. Am I to think that you have been rather lonely of late? Or is there, in fact, a woman to whom you have given your heart?”
Richard looked at Mr. Hudson, whose eyes shone with compassion. “I have fallen in love with a woman. She is like none other…”
“As they all are,” Mr. Hudson said wisely.
“Yes. I suppose you are right. But this one is as if the whole world was a swarming of thorns and there was but one rose among them. Not an original analogy, to be sure, but I’m no poet,” Richard replied, despite the fact that all who knew him well knew how he enjoyed the written word.
“And you believe this woman does not love you in return?” Mr. Hudson asked.
Richard opened his mouth to speak, but was unsure how to proceed. “I can’t say that necessarily. It is not so much that I believe she does not return my affection as it is that I believe she does not wish to. I imagine her rejection was a fact of not trusting me. Most likely because…we are not of the same blood.”
Mr. Hudson now nodded in understanding. “You mean that you may very soon be following in the footsteps of the general?” he asked, in reference to Douglas.
“I mean that it is a path I could only hope for, but apparently not expect,” Richard replied sadly.
“Do you really believe there is no hope for an alternative?” Mr. Hudson asked.
“It would seem that there is not,” he said.
“Might I suggest my best advice for such a situation?” the man offered.
“I would appreciate it.”
“Before I met my wife, before she became the only rose in my world, I had fallen in love with a daisy,” Mr. Hudson began. “I saw her, then, as a rose, but that was before my eyes were truly opened to what a rose might be. She was pretty enough, simple, a woman of the field.
Kidnapped Highland Bride: Ladies of Dunmore Series (A Medieval Scottish Romance Story) Page 7