by Julia Sykes
It wasn’t difficult for me to pretend to be affected as soon as I stepped into the club. Derek was waiting for me. He grasped my hand immediately, as though he was as desperate to touch me as I was to feel his touch upon me. His thumb brushed across the inside of my wrist, and I shivered. His grin radiated his pleasure. It bled into me, and within seconds I was smiling like a fool.
There was no way this playful, sweet, sexy man was guilty.
You can’t trust your gut, a cruel little voice told me. People get hurt when you trust your gut. Do you want to get Reed killed?
This time, my shiver wasn’t one of pleasure. Derek’s brows drew together. He easily recognized my shift in mood.
“You okay?” Another swipe of his thumb helped to pull me back to him, but it didn’t fully loosen the knot of unease in my chest.
“I’m fine, thanks.” I forced my lips to turn up at the corners. “How are you?” The question was an automatic polite response. Derek’s frown deepened.
“I’m good. Well, as good as can be expected. I can’t spend much time with you tonight, Sharon.” His expression was regretful, and a touch strained. “I have to call a staff meeting. I thought you might want to talk to Clara while I’m gone.”
My mind scrambled for a moment to identify who he was talking about.
“The Dominatrix?” My tone was questioning.
Derek nodded in confirmation. “I thought it would be good for you to discuss what you’ve been learning with a Domme.” He turned his attention to Reed. “Would you mind keeping an eye on the dungeon for me while Reyes is in back?”
Reed blinked, taken aback for a moment by Derek’s trust in him.
“Sure,” he answered easily.
“Thanks, man. It won’t be long.”
“No problem. I don’t mind.”
Reed headed toward the dungeon to begin his patrol. Derek watched him with satisfaction. I got the feeling he would much rather have Reed as acting dungeon monitor than Reyes. I didn’t blame him for that.
He cares about the safety of his customers. He doesn’t want the Kings here.
My thoughts were blown away when Derek tugged me toward the bar. When we reached it, I noticed Ortiz nod to Derek, his chin jerking toward the back. Derek’s jaw clenched. He obviously didn’t like the man taking point on when they should go back to his office.
He’s not in control, and he hates it.
Derek was being coerced. It was the only logical explanation.
“Sharon.” My name was imbued with warmth, and Clara gently grasped my shoulders while she kissed the air on either side of my cheeks. The unconventional greeting might have seemed casual enough, but the way she entered my personal space without permission was a clear assertion of her dominance.
I just stood there and allowed her to do it, freezing in place as her rose-scented perfume wafted around me. Her sharp smile when she pulled back from me let me know that this rose had thorns.
She didn’t greet Derek in the same way, but she had a smile for him as well.
“Derek, it’s so nice of you to share her for once. You’ve practically kept her locked up in the back with you.” She made a small moue, and her soft hand grazed down the length of my arm. The gesture was more than just friendly. Her grey eyes studied my face carefully. Her lips turned up again at whatever she saw there.
“Sharon wants to talk to you about being a Dominatrix.” Derek’s stare was pointed, and a hint of a smile played around his mouth. It was as though he was sharing some private joke with Clara. I didn’t appreciate being left in the dark.
“Yes,” I asserted myself. “Derek’s been teaching me some things, and I’d like to talk to you about it from a woman’s perspective.”
“I’m sure he has.” Clara took me by the hand and guided me up onto a barstool beside her. “Why don’t you tell me what you’ve learned.”
“Carter.” Ortiz’s accented voice was insistent, cutting through our light conversation. He practically glared at Derek, and his perpetual scowl deepened. Impatience was etched in every taut line of his wide face and bulging muscles.
Derek’s own muscles rippled, but his touch was gentle when his fingers found my collarbone. I covered his fisted hand with my own, easing my thumb through it and rubbing until he relaxed. He had calmed me so many times. I owed him the same treatment. Besides, it made me happy when he accepted my help. I liked that I could ease his burdens.
He blew out a long breath and swiped his thumb across my pulse at my throat. I shivered, and he smiled.
“Stay here with Clara. I’ll be back soon.”
I barely registered the fact that it was an order. I just nodded my agreement, already anticipating his return. Concern filled me at the thought of him trapped with Reyes and Ortiz in his office. I didn’t like the idea of him being alone with them.
“Johnny.” Clara crooked an imperious finger a submissive who had been eyeing her covetously. “Come man the bar.”
“Yes, Mistress.” He practically glowed at her attention, and he obeyed with alacrity.
Derek gave my shoulder one last squeeze before heading toward his office, Ortiz and Reyes flanking him. The sight made me tense, and it took all my effort to keep myself from following after him. Derek might not realize it, but I could be a hell of an asset in a fight.
“He’ll be fine,” Clara said gently, reading my distress.
My attention snapped back to her, appraising. Did she see something menacing in Reyes and Ortiz as well?
“I know they look scary with all those muscles and tattoos, but they’re his employees.”
I couldn’t help but wonder if her quickly-spoken words were meant to cover her moment of incisiveness. Her expression had suggested that she knew more about the dungeon monitor and bartender than an average customer should.
Clara had just become very interesting. I shifted all my focus to her.
“So,” I began with a little toss of my head to clear my curls from my eyes. “Derek’s been helping me understand BDSM from a submissive’s point of view, but I’m ready to know more about the other side of it. Why are you a Domme? What attracts you to it?”
My questions might seem innocent enough, but the answers might reveal more about Clara. Any personal information I could gather on her might bring me closer to learning more about the Kings. She obviously knew something about them, and I would squeeze as much information from her as I possibly could. As Reed had pointed out, we didn’t have much time to get more on the Kings. That meant I had precious few hours to shift the blame from Derek to Reyes and Ortiz.
“The same reasons as you,” Clara’s eyes were just as keen on me as mine were on her. “Derek told me you have a high-stress job in a male-dominated field. Constantly struggling against the testosterone in the office wears on me, you know? It’s incredibly freeing to feel in control after struggling for control in my professional life every day.”
It was the same excuse I had given Derek, only I had found that I enjoyed just the opposite because of the stresses of my job. I found release in finally surrendering control.
“Do you…” I hesitated. “Do you ever want the other side of it? Does the sexual control ever wear you down?”
Clara studied me carefully for a moment. This question wasn’t about my mission; it was purely about putting to rest my own concerns about my submissive tendencies. She seemed to read my genuine concern, and her calculating expression eased.
“I used to,” she admitted. “I used to switch.”
“Switch?” I still wasn’t familiar with all the BDSM terminology.
“I used to submit to my romantic partners, but I was dominant with others who participated in scenes with us.”
“Oh,” I said simply. I hadn’t considered what the power dynamic might be like if more than one partner was involved. “What changed?” I pressed. I was suddenly desperate to understand how she had purged that submissive part of herself. It was something I wished I could achieve.
Cla
ra’s lips thinned to a hard line, and I instantly regretted my question.
“My ex-husband,” she spat out the words. “It started with little things, subtle emotional manipulation to make me feel like shit about myself, to make me feel lucky that he owned me. Then things turned physical. I finally left when he tried to take away my safe words.” Her intense stare pinned me in place. “Never give a Dom full control. He’ll demand it, but you can’t trust him.”
I suddenly got the feeling that we weren’t talking about Doms in general. She was trying to warn me about Derek. She knew more about what was going on at Decadence than she let on.
“Why don’t you trust Derek?” The blunt question popped out before I could finesse my line of questioning.
Clara’s expression closed. “I like Derek just fine. But I’ve seen him go through enough women that I know he can’t offer anything permanent. I see how you look at him. It won’t last, Sharon. You’re new to this, and I don’t want to see you get hurt by someone who’s been through dozens of women just like you.”
I flinched as though she had slapped me. She had pretty much accused me of being a naïve idiot.
“I’m only subbing for Derek because I want to train to be a Domme.” My words were more defensive than I would like.
“Don’t lie to yourself, Sharon,” Clara said sharply. “You aren’t a Dominant. And you know it. Why are you fighting that?”
“You don’t have to be so aggressive about it, Clara.” Derek’s disapproving voice saved me from having to answer the complicated question. I had no idea what I would have said. I was still struggling to accept my submissive tendencies, the part of me that craved Derek’s dominant touch.
“Derek.” His name was a grateful exhalation. I turned on my stool to find him glaring at Clara.
Her eyes were coolly unrepentant. “I don’t like to play games, Derek. You shouldn’t let her think this is something it isn’t. You don’t think she’s a Domme any more than I do. You just want to train her without her resisting.”
Anger and hurt bubbled up in me. Deep down, I had known that Derek didn’t want me to be a Domme. I had gone along with his charade of teaching me. I had allowed him to deceive me, and worse – I had willfully deceived myself. Submitting to Derek had been the most natural thing in the world, and I had never considered what it would be like to turn the tables on him for even a moment. And yet, things had been so much easier when I was mentally able to keep up the pretext that I was training to be a Domme. I didn’t have to fully, finally, process what my pleasure at Derek’s hands meant. Now it hit me like a slap to the face.
Natural submissive.
But my mind wasn’t ready to deal with my anger at myself. Instead, it threw all that ire at him.
“Is that true, Derek? Are you just using me?”
“No,” he growled, his eyes blazing. “I wouldn’t do that.”
“Now you’re the one who’s lying to yourself,” Clara pointed out.
Derek rounded on her, and even the Dominatrix couldn’t stop herself from shrinking back in the wake of his palpable fury.
“Leave, Clara. Leave now before I ban you. There’s only so much I’ll tolerate. This is my club, and I won’t have people openly insulting me.”
The Domme squared her shoulders, but she swallowed hard as she eased down off her barstool. “The safety of your customers used to be everything to you, Derek. Don’t mistreat one of the few good people you have left.”
The way her eyes cut to me let me know that she wasn’t talking about herself. With that, she sauntered off to the locker room. She would respect Derek’s choice to dismiss her, but I had a feeling that she wasn’t going to give up so easily. Clara would be back.
Derek’s hand closed around my wrist. “Come with me.” He wasn’t asking.
No fucking way! I wanted to shriek at him. My anger and confusion burned hot, churning within me, waiting to lash out anywhere but at myself.
Instead of railing at him as I longed to do, I followed where he led. Now wasn’t the time for me to pull away from him, not when we had so little time left. Clara’s warning and this new revelation about Derek’s deceptiveness had brought my suspicions squarely back to him. Maybe he wasn’t being coerced after all. Maybe he wasn’t a good man.
The idea made my heart squeeze. I hated the thought that everything I had come to believe about Derek was a lie. The doubt in him only escalated the gathering storm inside me.
I can’t trust my gut.
I had known that, but I had forgotten how cruel the lessons were every time I ignored the warning.
Derek didn’t look back at me until he had slammed the door to the private room behind us. Then he rounded on me.
“Sit.”
His expression was so ferocious that I almost fell back onto the bed in my haste to comply. Only his sudden grip on my shoulders kept me upright, and I found my balance at the edge of the mattress. He released me and crossed his arms over his chest. He made no move to sit beside me. Instead, he towered above me, his muscles bulging with tension.
My deference to him was so ingrained that the threat didn’t even bring forth an inkling of physical resistance. I should have gone into fight mode, but instead I just stared up at him, waiting for him to give me a reason to blow up at him.
“I didn’t lie to you, Sharon,” he finally bit out. “I have been training you as a sub, but I’ve also offered instruction on how to do it yourself. You had every opportunity to express Dominant traits, but you didn’t. I had hoped you would slowly come to accept that you’re submissive.”
“Oh you did, did you?” I hissed. “You just thought you would keep taking advantage of me until I figured it out for myself?”
“No,” he barked. “You were so adamant that you weren’t a sub. If I had told you in no uncertain terms that you are a submissive, would you have trained with me?” He didn’t allow me the chance to answer. “You need this, Sharon. You need the release. Do you remember how tightly wound you were when you first came to me? Look me in the eye and tell me you’re not happier now.”
When he laid it out logically like that, my anger seemed unwarranted. It was a useless, exhausting emotion. It was a burden, and I was so damn tired of carrying it.
So why was I allowing it to rule me? My gaze slid away from his. His fingers gripped my chin almost roughly, forcing my face back up to his.
“Look at me,” he growled. “Tell me you regret it. Tell me you’d be happier without what we have together.”
“I don’t regret it, Derek,” I heard myself whisper. I couldn’t lie while he pinned me with that fiery stare. “But can you honestly tell me that you wanted me to find my inner Domme?”
“That’s irrelevant. You don’t have an inner Domme. You’re a sub, through and through. You needed me to show that to you.”
The hint of yearning in his voice said the words he couldn’t speak. You need me.
He wanted so badly for me to need him, because he needed me. And that scared him. It was written in every taut line of his handsome face. I scared him every bit as much as he scared me. That knowledge calmed the anger that lingered inside me, cooling my burning emotions. The relief I felt at their dissipation was almost shocking in its intensity.
“Why do you need to dominate me, Derek?” I asked softly.
His fingers sank into my curls, gripping them possessively. “Because you’re sassy and sweet and submissive. Because you react to me more honestly than any woman ever has. Because you’re fucking perfect, Sharon.”
He leaned down to me, holding me in place with his fist in my hair. He didn’t stop until his lips were so close to mine that I could feel his hot breath playing over my mouth. Pine and soap and man surrounded me, and I breathed him in.
“Derek, I…” My mouth went dry. Some part of me knew I should protest, but I couldn’t remember why.
“Let me in, Sharon. Let me touch you. It could be so fucking good between us.”
I wanted him to tou
ch me. God, I wanted that. I wanted it with all my heart. My gut told me I could trust him.
But I can’t trust myself.
“Please don’t,” I begged. I wanted him so badly, but I would break completely if I allowed his lips to touch mine.
His fingers tightened in my hair. “Don’t push me away, Sharon. Not again. Do you know what you do to me? My cock’s been hard since the second you walked into my club. And nothing I do is enough to sate me. I need to drive into your tight, wet pussy and fuck you senseless. Let me in.”
He was talking about more than just my body. He wanted in to my mind. He wanted in to my heart.
I couldn’t give him that. Not if I was going to make it through this mission with any sort of dignity intact.
“Please, Derek. I don’t want to have to use a safe word.”
“Then don’t,” he ground out. “You want me. You want this. Stop fighting me.”
He was right. I did want him. More fiercely than I had ever wanted any man. He was tempting as sin. But not tempting enough to convince me to sacrifice my career. I wouldn’t give up everything I had fought for, everything I was, for a man’s touch. A few hours of bliss weren’t worth a lifetime of shame.
“I’m not ready, Derek,” I hedged. I hated myself for keeping him dangling on. If I had any sense of decency, I would break things off. But I needed to stay close to him, even if I couldn’t allow myself to get as close as both of us so desperately wanted. “I’m sorry.” I was apologizing for so much more than just turning him down.
I’m sorry for lying to you. I’m sorry that I’ll be the one to bring your world crumbling down.
He released my hair and drew away from me slowly. My heart twisted at the sight of his closed, remote expression. It hid the hurt I had just inflicted.
“I’m sorry,” I said again. The two little words were laughably insufficient to express the depth of my regret.
Chapter 10
“Clayton tells me you’re trying to convince him to press for contact with Santiago. You have nothing new on Reyes and Ortiz, and you don’t have anything concrete on Derek Carter.” Kennedy’s frown conveyed his disappointment in my performance.