by Mark Twain
CHAPTER XXXIX
[We Travel by Glacier]
A guide-book is a queer thing. The reader has just seen what a man whoundertakes the great ascent from Zermatt to the Riffelberg Hotel mustexperience. Yet Baedeker makes these strange statements concerning thismatter:
1. Distance--3 hours. 2. The road cannot be mistaken. 3. Guideunnecessary. 4. Distance from Riffelberg Hotel to the Gorner Grat,one hour and a half. 5. Ascent simple and easy. Guide unnecessary.6. Elevation of Zermatt above sea-level, 5,315 feet. 7. Elevation ofRiffelberg Hotel above sea-level, 8,429 feet. 8. Elevation of the GornerGrat above sea-level, 10,289 feet.
I have pretty effectually throttled these errors by sending him thefollowing demonstrated facts:
1. Distance from Zermatt to Riffelberg Hotel, 7 days. 2. The road _can_be mistaken. If I am the first that did it, I want the credit of it,too. 3. Guides _are_ necessary, for none but a native can readthose finger-boards. 4. The estimate of the elevation of the severallocalities above sea-level is pretty correct--for Baedeker. He onlymisses it about a hundred and eighty or ninety thousand feet.
I found my arnica invaluable. My men were suffering excruciatingly, fromthe friction of sitting down so much. During two or three days, notone of them was able to do more than lie down or walk about; yet soeffective was the arnica, that on the fourth all were able to sit up.I consider that, more than to anything else, I owe the success of ourgreat undertaking to arnica and paregoric.
My men are being restored to health and strength, my main perplexity,now, was how to get them down the mountain again. I was not willing toexpose the brave fellows to the perils, fatigues, and hardships of thatfearful route again if it could be helped. First I thought of balloons;but, of course, I had to give that idea up, for balloons werenot procurable. I thought of several other expedients, but uponconsideration discarded them, for cause. But at last I hit it. I wasaware that the movement of glaciers is an established fact, for I hadread it in Baedeker; so I resolved to take passage for Zermatt on thegreat Gorner Glacier.
Very good. The next thing was, how to get down the glaciercomfortably--for the mule-road to it was long, and winding, andwearisome. I set my mind at work, and soon thought out a plan. One looksstraight down upon the vast frozen river called the Gorner Glacier, fromthe Gorner Grat, a sheer precipice twelve hundred feet high. We hadone hundred and fifty-four umbrellas--and what is an umbrella but aparachute?
I mentioned this noble idea to Harris, with enthusiasm, and was about toorder the Expedition to form on the Gorner Grat, with their umbrellas,and prepare for flight by platoons, each platoon in command of a guide,when Harris stopped me and urged me not to be too hasty. He asked me ifthis method of descending the Alps had ever been tried before. I saidno, I had not heard of an instance. Then, in his opinion, it was amatter of considerable gravity; in his opinion it would not be well tosend the whole command over the cliff at once; a better way would be tosend down a single individual, first, and see how he fared.
I saw the wisdom in this idea instantly. I said as much, and thankedmy agent cordially, and told him to take his umbrella and try the thingright away, and wave his hat when he got down, if he struck in a softplace, and then I would ship the rest right along.
Harris was greatly touched with this mark of confidence, and said so,in a voice that had a perceptible tremble in it; but at the same time hesaid he did not feel himself worthy of so conspicuous a favor; that itmight cause jealousy in the command, for there were plenty who would nothesitate to say he had used underhanded means to get the appointment,whereas his conscience would bear him witness that he had not sought itat all, nor even, in his secret heart, desired it.
I said these words did him extreme credit, but that he must not throwaway the imperishable distinction of being the first man to descendan Alp per parachute, simply to save the feelings of some enviousunderlings. No, I said, he _must_ accept the appointment--it was nolonger an invitation, it was a command.
He thanked me with effusion, and said that putting the thing in thisform removed every objection. He retired, and soon returned with hisumbrella, his eye flaming with gratitude and his cheeks pallid with joy.Just then the head guide passed along. Harris's expression changed toone of infinite tenderness, and he said:
"That man did me a cruel injury four days ago, and I said in my hearthe should live to perceive and confess that the only noble revenge aman can take upon his enemy is to return good for evil. I resign in hisfavor. Appoint him."
I threw my arms around the generous fellow and said:
"Harris, you are the noblest soul that lives. You shall not regret thissublime act, neither shall the world fail to know of it. You shall haveopportunity far transcending this one, too, if I live--remember that."
I called the head guide to me and appointed him on the spot. But thething aroused no enthusiasm in him. He did not take to the idea at all.
He said:
"Tie myself to an umbrella and jump over the Gorner Grat! Excuse me,there are a great many pleasanter roads to the devil than that."
Upon a discussion of the subject with him, it appeared that heconsidered the project distinctly and decidedly dangerous. I was notconvinced, yet I was not willing to try the experiment in any riskyway--that is, in a way that might cripple the strength and efficiencyof the Expedition. I was about at my wits' end when it occurred to me totry it on the Latinist.
He was called in. But he declined, on the plea of inexperience,diffidence in public, lack of curiosity, and I didn't know what all.Another man declined on account of a cold in the head; thought he oughtto avoid exposure. Another could not jump well--never _could_ jumpwell--did not believe he could jump so far without long and patientpractice. Another was afraid it was going to rain, and his umbrella hada hole in it. Everybody had an excuse. The result was what the readerhas by this time guessed: the most magnificent idea that was everconceived had to be abandoned, from sheer lack of a person withenterprise enough to carry it out. Yes, I actually had to give thatthing up--while doubtless I should live to see somebody use it and takeall the credit from me.
Well, I had to go overland--there was no other way. I marched theExpedition down the steep and tedious mule-path and took up as good aposition as I could upon the middle of the glacier--because Baedekersaid the middle part travels the fastest. As a measure of economy,however, I put some of the heavier baggage on the shoreward parts, to goas slow freight.
I waited and waited, but the glacier did not move. Night was coming on,the darkness began to gather--still we did not budge. It occurred to methen, that there might be a time-table in Baedeker; it would be well tofind out the hours of starting. I called for the book--it could not befound. Bradshaw would certainly contain a time-table; but no Bradshawcould be found.
Very well, I must make the best of the situation. So I pitched thetents, picketed the animals, milked the cows, had supper, paregorickedthe men, established the watch, and went to bed--with orders to call meas soon as we came in sight of Zermatt.
I awoke about half past ten next morning, and looked around. We hadn'tbudged a peg! At first I could not understand it; then it occurred to methat the old thing must be aground. So I cut down some trees and riggeda spar on the starboard and another on the port side, and fooled awayupward of three hours trying to spar her off. But it was no use. Shewas half a mile wide and fifteen or twenty miles long, and there wasno telling just whereabouts she _was_ aground. The men began to showuneasiness, too, and presently they came flying to me with ashy faces,saying she had sprung a leak.
Nothing but my cool behavior at this critical time saved us from anotherpanic. I ordered them to show me the place. They led me to a spot wherea huge boulder lay in a deep pool of clear and brilliant water. It didlook like a pretty bad leak, but I kept that to myself. I made a pumpand set the men to work to pump out the glacier. We made a success ofit. I perceived, then, that it was not a leak at all. This boulder haddescended from a precipice and stopped on the ice in the middle of theglaci
er, and the sun had warmed it up, every day, and consequently ithad melted its way deeper and deeper into the ice, until at last itreposed, as we had found it, in a deep pool of the clearest and coldestwater.
Presently Baedeker was found again, and I hunted eagerly for thetime-table. There was none. The book simply said the glacier was movingall the time. This was satisfactory, so I shut up the book and chose agood position to view the scenery as we passed along. I stood there sometime enjoying the trip, but at last it occurred to me that we didnot seem to be gaining any on the scenery. I said to myself, "Thisconfounded old thing's aground again, sure,"--and opened Baedeker tosee if I could run across any remedy for these annoying interruptions.I soon found a sentence which threw a dazzling light upon the matter.It said, "The Gorner Glacier travels at an average rate of a little lessthan an inch a day." I have seldom felt so outraged. I have seldom hadmy confidence so wantonly betrayed. I made a small calculation: One incha day, say thirty feet a year; estimated distance to Zermatt, three andone-eighteenth miles. Time required to go by glacier, _a little overfive hundred years!_ I said to myself, "I can _walk_ it quicker--andbefore I will patronize such a fraud as this, I will do it."
When I revealed to Harris the fact that the passenger part of thisglacier--the central part--the lightning-express part, so to speak--wasnot due in Zermatt till the summer of 2378, and that the baggage, comingalong the slow edge, would not arrive until some generations later, heburst out with:
"That is European management, all over! An inch a day--think of that!Five hundred years to go a trifle over three miles! But I am not a bitsurprised. It's a Catholic glacier. You can tell by the look of it. Andthe management."
I said, no, I believed nothing but the extreme end of it was in aCatholic canton.
"Well, then, it's a government glacier," said Harris. "It's all thesame. Over here the government runs everything--so everything's slow;slow, and ill-managed. But with us, everything's done by privateenterprise--and then there ain't much lolling around, you can dependon it. I wish Tom Scott could get his hands on this torpid old slabonce--you'd see it take a different gait from this."
I said I was sure he would increase the speed, if there was trade enoughto justify it.
"He'd _make_ trade," said Harris. "That's the difference betweengovernments and individuals. Governments don't care, individuals do. TomScott would take all the trade; in two years Gorner stock would go totwo hundred, and inside of two more you would see all the other glaciersunder the hammer for taxes." After a reflective pause, Harris added, "Alittle less than an inch a day; a little less than an _inch_, mind you.Well, I'm losing my reverence for glaciers."
I was feeling much the same way myself. I have traveled by canal-boat,ox-wagon, raft, and by the Ephesus and Smyrna railway; but when it comesdown to good solid honest slow motion, I bet my money on the glacier. Asa means of passenger transportation, I consider the glacier a failure;but as a vehicle of slow freight, I think she fills the bill. In thematter of putting the fine shades on that line of business, I judge shecould teach the Germans something.
I ordered the men to break camp and prepare for the land journey toZermatt. At this moment a most interesting find was made; a dark object,bedded in the glacial ice, was cut out with the ice-axes, and it provedto be a piece of the undressed skin of some animal--a hair trunk,perhaps; but a close inspection disabled the hair-trunk theory, andfurther discussion and examination exploded it entirely--that is, in theopinion of all the scientists except the one who had advanced it. Thisone clung to his theory with affectionate fidelity characteristic oforiginators of scientific theories, and afterward won many of the firstscientists of the age to his view, by a very able pamphlet which hewrote, entitled, "Evidences going to show that the hair trunk, in a wildstate, belonged to the early glacial period, and roamed the wastes ofchaos in the company with the cave-bear, primeval man, and the otherOoelitics of the Old Silurian family."
Each of our scientists had a theory of his own, and put forwardan animal of his own as a candidate for the skin. I sided with thegeologist of the Expedition in the belief that this patch of skin hadonce helped to cover a Siberian elephant, in some old forgotten age--butwe divided there, the geologist believing that this discovery provedthat Siberia had formerly been located where Switzerland is now, whereasI held the opinion that it merely proved that the primeval Swiss was notthe dull savage he is represented to have been, but was a being of highintellectual development, who liked to go to the menagerie.
We arrived that evening, after many hardships and adventures, in somefields close to the great ice-arch where the mad Visp boils and surgesout from under the foot of the great Gorner Glacier, and here we camped,our perils over and our magnificent undertaking successfully completed.We marched into Zermatt the next day, and were received with themost lavish honors and applause. A document, signed and sealed by theauthorities, was given to me which established and endorsed the factthat I had made the ascent of the Riffelberg. This I wear around myneck, and it will be buried with me when I am no more.