Seeking Redemption

by Kylie Hillman

  Shadow unzips his leather pants and pulls his cock free. I clamp my lips shut when he presses it against them. Connor grabs a handful of hair and pulls my head back at an awkward angle.

  “Open wide, Lacey,” he cajoles. Sherri breaks into cackles at his request and I feel the couch dip slightly under her weight as she sits next to me. She runs her finger down my stomach, coming to a stop on my clit piercing.

  “So pretty,” she whispers, before she flicks my sensitive nub. It sends a bolt of pleasure to my lower stomach that I try my hardest to ignore. She repeats the maneuver, and this time I can’t stop the gasp that leaves me.

  Shadow seizes my distraction and pushes his cock into my mouth. He’s surprisingly gentle, taking his time, and using a finesse that I no longer expect from Connor.

  My body breaks into a riot of sensation when Connor begins to move within me again, while Sherri plays with my clit, and Shadow fucks my mouth. It feels wrong but oh, so good at the same time. Having only been with two men before Connor, I’m not very experienced, and I’ve never pictured myself having a foursome. I’d like to put the blame for this situation solely on Connor, but if I’m honest, I don’t know how much of my willing participation is being fed by the drugs still floating through my veins, and how much can be chalked up to self-preservation against Connor’s threats.

  I’m not given any more time to reflect on it because Connor withdraws his cock from me and pushes Sherri against the back of the lounge next to me. When Shadow pulls his dick from my mouth as well, I turn my head and watch in a state of shocked disgust tinged with fascination as my Old Man—the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with—yanks up her skirt until she’s wearing it like a belt around her waist. She isn’t wearing any panties. I get a glimpse of how wet and ready she is for him, just before I watch my lovers cock slide into her eager body.

  Uncontrollable shaking overcomes me and my heart breaks. Sherri starts moaning as Shadow makes his way to my side of the couch, furthering my humiliation. He flips me onto my ass and pulls me toward him, spreading my legs and stepping between them. Lowering his pants, he slides on a condom and presses his hard length against my exposed pussy. I brace for his violation but he doesn’t enter me.

  The noises coming from Sherri as Connor pounds into her numbs my hurt. Anger takes its place and I feel myself filling with rage. A rage that makes me want to scratch Sherri’s eyes out and rip Connor’s traitorous cock from his body.

  “Don’t worry about them.” Shadow stares down at me, an indecipherable look in his eyes. “I’ve been looking forward to tonight for a long time. Let yourself enjoy what I can give you.”

  My wits return and the position that I find myself in finally registers. I’m lying naked on the couch in the living room of my home—my sanctuary, the place I thought I’d raise my children—listening to the man I believed would father those children fuck a woman I can’t stand next to me. My legs are spread, and between them stands a man, who I do not respect. He might be attractive, but I’ve never felt an iota of attraction toward him. Yet, here I am, seriously considering letting him into my body in the hopes that Connor might feel a tiny portion of the despair that’s currently consuming me.

  “Lacey.” Shadow barks my name. “Look at me.”

  I meet his eyes, shocked to see some semblance of sympathy in their depths.

  “You need to get with the program. Connor promised me your pussy as payment but I’m not just gonna take. I’ll make this good for you, too.

  I’m past caring if I enjoy this or not. My dignity was shattered a long time ago, my capacity for pleasure stripped from me. What’s another humiliation at this point in time?

  I shrug in response to his promise, letting my legs fall open a little further to indicate that I’m ready.

  Shadow runs his fingers up the insides of my thighs, causing my skin to break out in goosebumps. I shiver, then jump in shock when he presses his fingers against my clit and rubs it in a circular motion. My clit begins to pulse and warmth spreads through my lower limbs. He keeps doing this until I’m on the verge of climaxing, panting hard and almost making as much noise as the couple still going at it next to us.

  Drawing in a ragged breath, I lift my head and use one of my hands to reach down and grab his straining cock. Working him up and down, I coax him the rest of the way between my legs and into my need-filled body.

  “Fucking hell,” Shadow groans as he slides all the way into me. He’s thicker than Connor so I feel my channel stretch more than usual to accommodate his increased girth. Alarm bells ring in the back of my mind that I’ve just damaged my soul by going through with this exchange of partners, yet I can’t bring myself to stop. It’s been months since I’ve been this close to an orgasm that I haven’t been responsible for myself.

  When Shadow begins to move within me, I meet each thrust with a lift of my hips that makes him hit the sweet spot inside of me. Within minutes, he has me at the point of no return. I’m screaming loudly as I give myself over to the enjoyment of his techniques. They’re different to what I’ve become accustomed and it’s scintillating. I don’t know what to expect next, every movement he makes unpredictable since we’re not acquainted with each other’s body.

  I vaguely remember hearing Connor holler his release moments earlier and out of the corner of my eye, I can see him standing next to us, watching. I think Sherri’s moved off the couch to find something to clean up with.

  “Jesus fucking Christ you can fuck, Lacey.” Shadow grunts his appreciation. “Fucking blowing my mind with your tight pussy.”

  He jams his thumb down on my clit, rubbing vigorously, and it’s all I need to send me over the peak of pleasure he’s been building in me since we began and into a much-needed orgasm. Ear-shattering shrieks rip from my throat as my clenching canal clamps down on Shadow’s cock. He leans down and meets my lips with his, kissing me like a man possessed. I fall still in momentary shock until his tongue prods against the seam of my mouth. I part my lips and let him kiss me properly. I’m too far gone to heed Connor’s mutterings of displeasure at my acquiescence, my climax holding me captive as I feel Shadow reach his own release seconds later.

  He flops over me, chest heaving. Once he has his breath back, he leaves a quick kiss on the side of my neck before pushing to his feet. Once I’m out from underneath him, Connor seizes hold of me by the top of my arm and drags me to my feet. He glares at me with a look of pure rage, making me shrink away from him.

  Sherri races to Shadow’s side, having already set her clothing straight, and she pulls the full condom off of his softening cock. She knots the end and drops it, with a spiteful glance at me, onto my coffee table. Then she tucks his cock back into his leathers and zips him up. Shooting me a look of pure hatred, she grabs his hand and drags him toward the front door.

  Shadow pulls his hand free and turns to face me and Connor.

  “That was well worth the wait.” Connor stiffens next to me at his words and I start to feel like the world’s biggest slut. “Consider your debt paid and all favors squared away. You want anything, it’s gonna cost you the same again.”

  Shadow tips his head toward me and salutes.

  “Don’t let him make you feel fucking bad about tonight, Lacey. This’s on his head, not yours. You did what a good Old Lady is supposed to do.”

  Connor’s grip on my upper arm tightens, making me gasp. He seems to be furious and I don’t understand why. I just did what he wanted; what he threatened me with bodily harm to get me to do. He should be happy with me for once. After eyeballing each other for a long moment, Shadow and Connor nod at each other as if reaching a silent agreement.

  Sherri and Shadow leave without another word. Connor moves toward the front door and engages the lock behind them. My face becomes hot when I look at the couch and my clothes lying on the floor in front of it. Bending down, I start to gather them, needing a shield from the world until I can get away from Connor long enough to run a scalding hot bath. I nee
d to soak away the filth that I can feel making its way under my skin.

  “You dirty fucking slut.” Connor yells at me as he comes up behind me.

  I drop my clothes to the floor in a hurry and attempt to run from him. He grabs me by the arm and slings me to the ground where he kicks me in the ribs. I curl into a ball, using my arms to protect my face and my head.

  Blow after blow rains down on me. Connor’s still wearing his bike boots and while the adrenaline coursing through my body is doing a good job of shielding me from the full impact of the pain he’s inflicting on me, it can’t stop the horrible sound my ribs make when they break. My screams are frantic and begging, but he doesn’t stop.

  “I never said you could enjoy it.” Connor berates me, his kicks losing steam as he runs out of breath. “You cheating fucking whore. How dare you fucking come for him.”

  I’ve managed to keep my head shielded from the worst of his attack, but I make a critical mistake by thinking that he’s given up kicking me when he pauses for a few seconds. I move my arms to sneak a peek at his location; at the same time that he pulls his leg back and aims a particularly vicious strike at my upper body. He misses my shoulder and hits me in the temple.

  The blow makes me lose my vision instantly and I scream as if my life depends upon it. The follow-up kick comes before I have time to regain my sight or roll back into a ball. It hits me in the same spot and this time the impact doesn’t just rob me of my ability to see, it steals my consciousness as well.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  LACEY

  Present Day

  “STOP! Connor. Stop.”

  My screaming brings the nurses running into my darkened room. I struggle to sit up but I can’t. They’ve put me in restraints while I’ve been out of it. The overhead lights flicker on and blind me. I screw my eyes shut, jerking away from the cool hand that touches my forehead and begins stroking. One of the nurses starts fussing with the monitors that are attached to me while another checks the tightness of the restraints.

  “Leave me alone.” I demand. My voice is croaky from lack of use and my dry mouth.

  “Honey, please don’t hate us.” My mother sounds broken. “We didn’t know. You didn’t tell us. When we saw the X-rays, we automatically thought it was Benji. He was the one who you were using drugs with so we blamed everything on him.”

  My chest tightens and I find it hard to pull in a full breath when she says his name and the memory of his spirit’s visit to this room when I lost it over Connor returns to me. Tears spill down my cheeks when I remember that he’s dead and it’s all my fault. I open my eyes and look at my mother. She’s crying as well, and my dad who’s hovering just behind her, doesn’t look far from tears himself.

  “It doesn’t matter anymore, does it.” I sniff and attempt to wipe my face on my pillow since I can’t use my hands. “He’s gone and it’s all my fault. I killed him.”

  “What?” Dad speaks up, confusion in his voice. He turns to the nurses. “Can you untie her now. She’s calm. We need to talk.”

  The nurses exchange a look before nodding. I lay there impassively, refusing to meet their eyes or help them when they need to move my limbs to undo the straps. I don’t want to be here and I don’t care who knows.

  Once I’m free, they make their way from the room and leave us to it. The atmosphere is suffocating, my parent’s faces etched with worry lines that weren’t there earlier today. I feel wretched, yet I’m aware that this is only the beginning.

  “Lacey, why do you think you killed Benji?”

  There’s no possible way for me to meet my parent’s worried eyes when I answer this question. “Because I did. I’m the one who injected the drugs. He was hopeless at hitting his vein so I always did it.”

  I’m barely audible, my words making their way into reality with obvious reluctance. I guess, I should get used to admitting my culpability since my parents are first on a long list of people I need to tell the truth. A lump forms in my throat when I realize that I’ll need to face Maddi and her brothers soon.

  “My Lord.” Mom gasps and places her hand on her heart. “What is wrong with you? I can’t—”

  “Janet,” Dad cautions her, cutting off her scolding. “That’s the least of our problems at the moment.”

  He moves closer to me. Looking at me with a hardening expression, his tone is grim when he speaks, “Benji’s not dead. He overdosed like you, but he survived.”

  My heart lurches, feeling lighter, and the dread that’s been churning in my stomach for the last few weeks eases a bit.

  “He’s not dead?”

  “No. At one stage, you had most of the Club trying to see you. We wouldn’t let them. I had them removed from the center and put on the banned list. I don’t want the Shamrocks anywhere near you.”

  I’m caught between two emotions. Absolute joy that Benji is alive and shame that the Club has taken the blame for my deceptions. My father is resolute, appearing to be in denial that I might be responsible for any of this. I know the look covering his face very well—there’s no arguing with him when he’s like this and I can imagine the insults he hurled at anyone who tried to defend the Shamrocks.

  It’s possibly a lost cause but I try to set him straight anyway.

  I need to see Benji.

  Meeting Dad’s eyes, I lay out the situation. “I told you. It was Connor, not Benji. Everything was Connor. The broken bones. The drugs. Everything. And after he left, it was my choice to escalate my drug use and start shooting up. The Shamrocks didn’t have a clue about anything until a few days before I overdosed.”

  Mom’s expression manages to become sadder at my admission. This is new territory for us—I’ve always been a well-behaved daughter. My only rebellion was to fall in love with an outlaw biker, and Connor went out of his way to earn their trust so that they accepted him without much of a fight. I’ve never rocked the boat before.

  I guess when I screw up, I do it spectacularly.

  “Maddi tried to get me to stop using, but I lied to her and blamed Benji.”

  Dad grunts, unhappy with my newest confession.

  “I want to see them. Maddi. Benji. Mama C. They’re my family as well.”

  I’m laying it on thick, although until recently it was a cast-iron fact. Emptiness fills me when I think about everything I’ve thrown away for the temporary relief getting high brings.

  I’ve damaged my relationship with my parent’s, losing their respect and approval.

  I’ve shattered the trust of everyone I care about.

  Ruined my friendship with Maddi.

  Wrecked my professional reputation.

  Broken my own moral code.

  And, nearly killed the man I’ve fallen for in the process.

  Yet, the craving that overcomes me thinking about the euphoria I feel when I’m high tells me that I would do it all again. I need the sweet respite that the drugs offer me to get through my life. The life I destroyed with my stupid decisions.

  “Honey,” Mom speaks up. I look up, thinking she’s talking to me, but she’s addressing my father. “I think we should let them visit her. I’ll ring Maddi now and tell her that they can come tomorrow morning.”

  Dad folds his arms across his chest. “Not Benji. I don’t care what she says. It’s obvious he’s to blame for the drugs.”

  “Dad. Please,” I beg. “He’s the one I need to see the most.”

  My parents have a silent conversation, communicating only with their eyes.

  “Maybe later. Not tomorrow, honey. I’ll get the girls to come and see you. If that goes well, then we’ll talk about Benji coming.”

  I look between them, imploring them to relent with my sad eyes and trembling bottom lip. Mom looks as if she would like to give in to me but my father doesn’t soften his stance at all.

  In fact, he looks as if he’s about to retract his agreement for Maddi and Mama C to come. Reaching out, I grab hold of his hand. After a noticeable pause, he wraps his fingers around
mine.

  “I’ll cooperate from now on, I promise. I’ll even go to therapy. Please, please, think about letting Benji see me soon.”

  “Sweetheart. Don’t get your hopes up. He wasn’t part of the group that tried to see you. He wasn’t even mentioned.”

  The hope that was growing within me dies. I thought Benji would’ve been trying to visit me. His frantic cries for someone to help me were the last thing I heard before I gave into unconsciousness. I guess I used his panic to delude myself into thinking he cared about me more than he really does.

  I should know by now that no man is ever going to care about me the way I care about them.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  BENJI

  Present Day

  “We’re allowed to see Lacey.” Maddi comes running into the bar, sounding excited.

  I shoot Timber a small grin at the change in her attitude. She’s been in a bad mood ever since she returned to the Clubhouse after finishing work. It flared when I told her that she can’t see Mad Dog for at least two weeks because his visitation has been suspended and only increased when she couldn’t get our lawyers to find a loophole to give her exclusive visitation. After listening to them deal with her scathing views of their legal capabilities, I made a mental note to suggest that Timber offers them a pay increase before they drop us as a client...or take out a hit on her. Which is possible since they’re not the most straight-laced representation out there.

  Since I drew the short straw and was put behind the bar to serve tonight as part of my prospect duties, I’ve been able to hear Timber updating the other brothers on Mad Dog’s current state and the extra protection he put in place before we left the prison this afternoon. He’s organized for Kyle to look into any connection between Thomas Taylor and the guards who were paid to do the stabbing.

  “When?” Smoke asks from his seat next to Timber. Placing the beer I’ve just pulled in front of Conan, I shoot daggers through narrowed eyes at the back of Smoke’s head. I really want to leap over the bar and slap him upside the head for even thinking that he has a right to see her, but I stop myself.