Christmas at Candleshoe

by Michael Innes

  1720. 7 Nov. This Day was entertained to a Collation by my dear Son Rupert and his excellent Henchman Jack Candleshoe. The Dishes choice but very simple. We drank Water, and later an Infusion of Tea. Their Attendance is to be only one Lad, whom Rupert begged our good Mr Drake to choose upon the strictest Principles of settled Conduct and moral Probity. On the Ground Floor are convenient Offices for this Servant; a Study or Library, plainly furnished but commodious to the Labours of our young Philosophers; and two Sleeping Apartments in a simple Style, having no Ambition of Elegance. Thus it will be possible for the Boys to pernoctate from Time to Time, according to their astronomical Occasions. I highly approve these Dispositions, and Squire Candleshoe is at least so far reconciled to them as to withdraw any vocal Objections. He has offered, indeed, to install (the better to insure the Health and Comfort of our Lads) a motherly Person as Housekeeper and occasional Cook. But this the Boys have positively declined, having a set Fancy, it would appear, that Solomon’s Cottage (like the Abbot’s Lodging before it) should be wholly celibate and monastical in its Economy. Upon the upper Floor the Roof over one Apartment hath been removed, and the Great Telescope is (I suppose) by now there established. But of this Part of their Domain the Boys are jealous Guardians, and I have promised not to profane by any ignorant Inspection the Mysteries of their Science. It is to be hoped that Perkin (for such is the Denomination of their youthful Attendant) will occasionally be permitted to circulate in this higher Region with a Broom.

  1720. 12 Dec. My dear Rupert’s twentieth Birthday. Inquired of his Studies, at which, judging by his Absences, he hath been assiduous of late. He replied that he becomes steadily more absorbed in, and delighted with, the Heavenly Movements.

  1721. 8 May. I write in the greatest Confusion of Mind and Agitation of Spirit. But let me compose myself, and be systematical. This a.m. early comes Squire Candleshoe in as vast Rage and Incoherence as I have ever known Man evince; and falls to imprecating Benison and all Spendloves that ever were in a Manner to be excused only as the Issue of plain Frenzy. Eventually somewhat subdued (if not mollified) by my own inflexible Exhibition of superior Breeding, he came within the Bounds of intelligible Sense. Solomon’s Cottage, he declared, had its sole Affinity with Aught of that Monarch’s only as a very Mark and Acme of amatorious and venereal Indulgence. Those nocturnal Experiments which our Boys had been pursuing in the Interests of Natural Knowledge –

  Should these artless Pages ever, at some remote Time, come within the Notice of an other Eye than mine, will it not readily be understood that here the unhappy Writer dropped his Pen? But I continue now. The Lad Perkin, it appears, having received upon the Occasion of some casual Offence too hearty a Drubbing from his Masters, had allowed a Thirst for Vengeance and the Hope of Gain so far to suborn his Fidelity as to bring him before the Squire this very Morning with a substantial Account of a World of licentious Folly into which our miserable Boys have fallen. Of what followed let a bare Note suffice. The Squire (mounting whatever wretched Nag his Stables afforded him, and hastening to the Spot) was in Time to surprise, and drive out while yet in their Smocks, the particular Heavenly Bodies which had been engaging the absorbed and delighted Attention of our precious Couple, encouraging them, with a smart Thwack upon their ill-guarded Persons, to return to whatever Orbit is properly theirs in Abbot’s Benison or Benison Parva. Having then assured the Reprobates of his unfeigned Regret that they were by some two Summers beyond the Reach of similar and more extended Castigation, the Squire rode straight on to Benison Court, his ill-directed and offensive Rage mounting in him as he approached. Our Interview, I verily believe, might well have come to the Point of Honour and an Affair of Rapiers, had I not steadfastly maintained all of the Reserve, judiciously tempered by Candour and Condescension, incumbent upon a Peer in a trying Situation.

  I will not dwell further upon the Day’s Scenes of Reprehension and Penitence. I have had at least the Satisfaction of knowing the sole feasible Procedure to adopt. With a Lad who has thus scandalously comported himself, and been detected, there is only one course to take. At three of the Clock this Afternoon Rupert departed with Mr Drake for the University, where he will at once be entered as a Nobleman of my own old College. I trust that his genuine Proficiency in Mathematical Study, if not that in curious Figures, will earn him the Regard of the resident Fellows, to whom I have strictly charged him to comport himself with Affability and a reasonably familiar Address. Rupert, I am willing to believe, is truly penitent; nor, after a World of Tears throughout the Morning, was I altogether displeased at his Mode of parting with me. Leaning from the Window of the Carriage, the Rogue had the Impertinence to murmur that, could but Peg (his detected Paphian Girl) make the Journey with him, it would be rounding off his astronomical Studies with the Transit of Venus.

  1721. 12 May. Squire Candleshoe, it seems, has taken a Leaf out of my Book (which is indeed proper for him to do), and his Jack is packed off to Cambridge – not indeed with a Tutor of his own, but to be put under the Care of some worthy Tutor of a College. So here should be an End of this troublesome Affair. The Squire and I are to meet presently at Solomon’s Cottage (to use the Name which, I fear, must ever adhere to it, at least in local Fame) and agree upon a proper Dispersal of whatever is unsuitably contained there. The Studies of these discreet (yet not sufficiently discreet) Boys have had, as it now appears, genuine Substance; and my Rupert (I suspect) was indeed something further advanced in the Courses of the veritable Planets than in his sublunary Researches. It thus seems not proper or convenient wholly to make away with what is of an authentick philosophic Cast in the Place. I apprehend little Possibility of serious Dispute with my good Neighbour, despite the high Tone of our last Encounter. Since the Abbot’s Lodging is an undisputed Part of my own Estate, indeed, the Squire would be on but uncertain Ground were he minded to be disputatious.

  1721. 16 May. All is in sad Confusion between Squire Candleshoe and me. I blame myself for taking up, over Matters of small Consideration in themselves, a Position from which it now appears difficult with any Dignity to recede. The Root of the Mischief lies in the good Squire’s having allowed his Jack, during his Grand Tour made in Company with my Rupert and Mr Drake, a larger pecuniary Supply than was at all consonent with the Modesty of his Station. The Candleshoes have ever had a particular Pride or Arrogance in all their Associations with Spendloves – a Consequence of their being (what, as a Man of Candour, I have always been free to acknowledge) the elder Line of that Family from which our Antiquity is derived. This having led our honest Squire to dip deep into his Pocket on his itinerant Son’s Behalf, Jack, it seems, hath on sundry Occasions disbursed more – as on other Occasions indubitably much less – than my own Boy upon those diverse Antiquities and Curiosities with the Acquiring of which the Lads liberally amused themselves upon their Italian Peregrination. These Objects they later disposed about their detestable Cottage in all the Carelessness of common Ownership, so that it is now scarce possible to make a just Appropriation or Assignment between them.

  All this would seem, indeed, of little Moment but for a Circumstance at once flagitious and vexing. For preserving from parental Scrutiny the larger upper Apartment of their Dwelling the Boys now appear to have had this sufficient Reason, viz, that it had pleased them to appoint it with all Voluptuousness and amatory Luxury of Venetian Houses with which no modest Traveller through that carnal City would willingly hold the least Acquaintance. Once more my Pen would almost drop from my Fingers as I record this shameful fact – mitigated though it be (at least in some minor Degree) by the Observation (which my own sadly irregular Courses in early Life have enabled me to make) that Something more of Imagination than Familiarity hath gone to the framing of this most culpable Extravagance. But now to the Point at special Issue. Among the Embellishings of this rural Bagnio for simple Peg and Moll what have the Squire and I fallen upon but three large and erotical Paintings in Oil, viz, a Lollia Paulina, a Leda and Swan, and a Diana and Actaeon, all very rich i
n Colour and splendid in the Flesh – so much so, indeed, as to put the good Squire something out of Countenance, as having small Connoisseurship in graphick Immodesties. When however it did presently transpire that, while the Diana (although very brave with bathing Nymphs, and an Actaeon with his Stag’s Head exceeding quaint) is by one Schiavone (a Venetian of small Regard), yet the Lollia and Leda are by that Tiziano Vecelli or Da Cadore now above all other Italian Artists hugely esteemed; when, I say, it appeared that our Boys had (at a great and notable Bargain) acquired two such Canvasses as the greatest Curiosi in the Kingdom might envy them the Luck of, then did Squire Candleshoe pipe to another Tune.

  So here we are, my honest Neighbour and myself, at Jar together and by the Ears over these same Paintings, which is surely a bad Sequel to a worse Business. All this Afternoon did we debate the Matter, with Squire Candleshoe very hot – and outrageous, too, in Expression and Suggestion, as that he should render me the Swan but allow me never a Collop of the Wench, or that we had best cleave the Schiavone in twain, himself to have the Ladies and myself to be well-suited by the Fellow with the Horns. And thus are we parted with high Words and short Tempers; and Nothing settled betwixt us in a Matter that both Discretion and Decency cry aloud to see softly handled.

  1721. 18 May. The First Part of the Contention betwixt the Two Famous Houses of Candleshoe and Benison (to parody the Title of the old Play) is now acted out and settled – and altogether to the Advantage of the younger Line. Yet while I rejoice at this Success, and at the just Castigation of the Insolence of my irascible Neighbour, I am yet apprehensive of the Scandal like to be spread (at least so far as the Boundaries of our County) by the wild Events of the last Night; and of suffering somewhat in my Dignity as First Earl by un Eclat de riresuch as lively Rumours of the same may occasion.

  And here I must unaffectedly confess (to the Privacy of this inviolate Page) that at my first Sight of Tiziano’s Leda I did myself judge her a monstrous fine Woman (although so ill employed), and that his Lollia Paulina too appeared to me of a Rarity much excelling those Jewels with which the Painter (by a Licence to be reprobated from an Ethick Point of View) had alone adorned her. From this I was led to the Consideration that my Rupert, as a Lad from his earliest Years bred to the greatest Refinement and Politeness, as also to the Conversation of Women of the first Quality, was likelier by far than our good Squire’s honest Jack to have been the original Appraiser, and consequent sole Purchaser, of these exalted Productions of a Master’s Brush. When to this I added the further Thought, that the Objects of which the Property was thus disputed had been freely conveyed to, and now reposed in, a Building incontestably mine, and to which None have any Right or Title of Entrance save by my Leave, it did appear to me that the old Doctrine, whereby Possession is declared to be nine-tenths of the Law, might well be acted upon, and that with all Speed possible.

  Thus it was that Yesterday (but biding my Time until Dusk, that the Matter might be carried through in a decent Privateness) I despatched Three or Four (such as were of a Discretion I could trust) with a Wagon to Solomon’s Cottage, that they might bring these three Paintings (alike the Tizianos and the Schiavone, being itself, although less valuable, a sportive Work d’un vrai Divertissement) with all Haste and Quietness to Benison. For I made bold to think that, once hung in my Great Gallery or octagon room, there would be but small Hazard that those Trophies of my dear Boy’s Purity of Taste (as I now saw it to be) would ever depart thence to an obscure Lodgement at Candleshoe.

  But here was a Train of Reflection upon which Two might fall. And thus came it about that my Servants, proceeding at my Command upon this lawful Occasion, were at the Cottage hotly encountered by a like Number of Squire Candleshoe’s Men, most nefariously and thievishly furnished with a Wagon to an identical Purpose with mine. Thence followed a notable Skirmish, with diverse bloody Cockscombs and (I fear) at least one broken Crown – the Hurly-burly receiving vast Increase (ere all was over) from several Reinforcements on either Side gathered from the nearer Villages. Yet out of all this great Disgrace (as Persons of any civil Breeding must unfeignedly conceive it) has come this fair Conclusion: that while the worthy Squire indeed has escaped away with the Schiavone and certain other Paintings of little or no Name, my dear Rupert’s more truly inspired Purchases (the Leda and the Lollia of Tiziano, to wit) are now safe within the Portals of Benison. This Morning, it is true, being something too incensed by the Temerity of my Neighbour, I took Horse for Candleshoe, intent to demand that the third Painting be lawfully rendered me. But finding the Squire (who had been advised of my Approach) standing to Arms upon his Threshold, with a most martial Levy of his Retainers arrayed behind him, and himself crying out that did I want the horned Fellow a-peeping at the Ladies, I might come in and find him, I judged it well to speak him fair, and as if turning the Matter to a notable Jest. For it would be an inconvenient Thing, if Cognizance of all this were taken by some officious Justice; and it could be said that a Nobleman and a Gentleman of the County had been summoned to keep the Peace together, after coming to Blows over the Spoils of a detected Bawdyhouse.

  1721. 30 May. Caused to be hung in my Great Gallery my two new-acquired Paintings by Tiziano Vecelli (formerly styled Da Cadore), being that Artist commonly reckoned by the Curious first among all those out of Italy. Both mighty fine, and in the Leda I do begin to perceive a great Sweetness in the Expression, as also une certaine Rondeur des Fesses, that alike do most charmingly remind me of my Ever-to-be-Honoured Mother’s Maid, Betty Brown, the first that I well remember to have –

  But here Company obliges me to lay down my Pen. Une belle Assemblée is like to be with us this Evening, and I propose no small Pleasure to myself in my two new Evidences of that Correct Taste and those Liberal Expenditures which steadily enhance the Elegance of Benison Court.

  17

  ‘If that isn’t a deuced queer thing.’ As Mr Archdeacon finished his reading, and as Arthur Spendlove let in his clutch with what in a less seasoned car would have been a jerk, Lord Scattergood spoke with some emphasis. ‘I’m quite sure I never heard this yarn before.’

  ‘Precisely.’ Mr Archdeacon paused to get his pipe in commission. ‘It is only lately, as you know, that I have come to work through the first earl’s papers. Had these circumstances been known to me in 1939–’

  ‘You wouldn’t have handed back this disputed property to the Candleshoes on a plate.’ Arthur chuckled. ‘What mugs they must have thought us. Supposing, that is, they knew.’

  ‘They must have known, Arthur, or they would scarcely have played this trick on us.’ Lord Scattergood, conscious in this of a large stroke of intellectual clarity, banged so vigorously on the seat in front of him that Dr Rosenwald for a brief moment came awake again. ‘But, my dear Archdeacon, did the old girl behave as if she knew? Can you recall anything to suggest that those particular paintings meant something to her?’

  ‘I cannot say that I do. Miss Candleshoe was concerned to drive a bargain in point of what she was to store for us; and she was not without acuteness in the matter of insurance. But in the particular works involved, and their qualities, she appeared not interested. It was, I fear, her attitude that nothing from Benison was likely to be of the first quality. All this, however, may well have been dissimulation. Miss Candleshoe may well have been gloating inwardly at the strange opportunity our proposal was bringing her.’

  ‘Gloating?’ A just indignation was evidently beginning to rise in Lord Scattergood. ‘I’d call that a shocking thing, you know – a most unneighbourly thing.’

  ‘I agree with you, Marquess. We must remember, however, that Squire Candleshoe must have formed just such a judgement upon the Earl’s conduct in 1721. It is only too probable, I fear, that Miss Candleshoe, a woman of strong family piety, as she contemplated the Leda and the Lollia, reflected that thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.’

  ‘That her chance had come – eh?’

  ‘It must be entertained as a tenable hypothe
sis. On the other hand, Miss Candleshoe may be blameless. And I have myself little to go upon, since my commerce with her upon the relevant occasion was restricted and indeed inconsiderable. I dealt in the main with a housekeeper – an unusual woman, whom I have cause to remember with some particularity. She died, I believe, very shortly after. I wondered at the time whether I ought – But that is another story. And now a fresh consideration presents itself to me. Armigel.’

  ‘Eh?’

  ‘There was then – as there is now – living with Miss Candleshoe a retired clergyman of the name of Armigel. He acted as a domestic chaplain.’

  ‘Services on the spot and as required? The sort of thing we bring in the Bishop for from time to time?’ Lord Scattergood was impressed. ‘Arthur – do you hear that? Dashed convenient notion.’

  ‘But mark.’ Mr Archdeacon, as he delivered himself of this injunction, turned round and pointed the stem of his pipe at his employer. ‘Not the present employment of Armigel, but rather something that I now recall of his first profession, is the circumstance to which some large significance may well attach. Let me be brief.’

  As Arthur heard these ominous words he swung the car off the high road between two unimpressive stone columns. ‘Capital! For here we are.’

  ‘Let me be very brief. Armigel’s first profession was that of artist. He was a painter – although I believe an undistinguished one.’

  ‘Then that settles it!’ Lord Scattergood’s righteous wrath was now given unrestricted issue. ‘This scoundrel copied our Titians at his leisure; and substituted his beastly efforts for the real thing, when the time came to send them back to Benison. Upon my soul, if he wasn’t a clergyman, I’d have him sent to gaol.’