Mandy comes out of the bathroom as I walk into the living room. Her eyes are wide and she looks almost in shock. Fuck.
Looking at me she asks, “Could you take me to the pharmacy?”
Why the fuck would we want to go there?
I nod my head and grab my keys. Walking towards her, I reach out to grab her hand but she shies away.
It’s like a huge fucking punch to my stomach.
Did I hurt her? Is that why we are going? I didn’t mean to be so rough, I couldn’t help it though. It was like I was putting myself back into my other half.
I lead us outside to the truck. I don’t think we were even in my house for more than fifteen minutes.
Pulling out onto the street, I look over at her, and I can’t believe how fucking stupid I am. We are going to get one of those morning-after pills. Fuck.
This is not what I want to fucking do. Shit, we don’t even know if it meant anything. It was one fucking time. Shit.
I have to support whatever she wants to do, but I don’t support this, not really. It’s not about the whole religious or moral aspect. I just wouldn’t mind having her and a baby in my life, for good. That would be amazing, and fucking scary as hell.
I have to admit nothing in my life has really scared me since facing the world alone without my parents and having just lost Mandy. Not even facing Chase and Max at the same time in a ring. But this? Fuck. Fuck. Scared as fuck but it would be soooo fucking amazing to have her back, and a baby? Shit, that would be like a fucking dream.
I sit outside of the pharmacy as Mandy goes in. I asked if I could come in with her but she just shook her head and said no. She didn’t even ask me what I would want to do.
Fuck, I know it’s her body but shit.
FUCK!
Mandy
Walking into the 24-hour pharmacy at two in the morning feels surreal. The automatic doors swish open and the florescent lights are too white, too bright for this time of night.
I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. How did I even get here?
The place is dead. There’s one cashier working the front counter, and she’s too busy popping gum and filing her nails to even look up at me.
I walk aimlessly through the aisles. I know where I need to go but I dread actually getting there. Do I really want to do this? What are the odds that the first time Brett and I have sex together that the stupid condom breaks on us?
Is this some kind of fucked up cosmic joke? And me, I’m such a dumbass for not being on anything else. But fuck, I haven’t been in a serious relationship since him. I wasn’t planning on doing any of this. I only planned on having a fun night with Grace and the ring girls.
How did I even end up here?
I make a wrong turn and instead of ending up in the family planning aisle, I find myself slowing in the baby section.
I could be pregnant, I think as I look at a chubby little baby face plastered on a box of diapers. There could be a little baby being formed inside me at this very moment.
I’d need so much, the baby would need so much of me. I’d have to quit my job as a ring girl, there’s no way they’d want to keep me on. How would I afford the diapers? The baby clothes? A place to live? I’d have to keep waitressing at Thursdays and ask Brett to help with the rest.
What does Brett want? I was so panicked I didn’t even ask him.
I keep walking. I pass at least twenty different varieties of baby formula. There’s a very big chance that I’m not pregnant. I just finished my period a couple of days ago, and I know for some people it can be hard to get pregnant. But Grace conceived her very first time with Carson. And my mother got pregnant with me supposedly after only one time with my father. All it takes is once, just once. But if I want to, I have the option to fix this.
Fix this. Fix what’s happened as if it’s a mistake or an accident. Isn’t that what my mother always called me? Was I not an accident? Her biggest regret? A fucking mistake. What would she have done if she had this choice?
I know what she would have done, she would have ended me.
Can I do that? Can I really do that? I place my hand on my tummy and walk into the family planning aisle. My feet carry me past the condoms, past the pregnancy tests. I stop and pick up a box of the Plan B pill.
One pill, all it takes is one pill.
I might not be pregnant but if I am, there’s a good chance the pill will stop it. Funny, I was so scared, so freaked out, I couldn’t wait to get here. But now that I’m holding the box in my hand, I don’t want to do it.
What the fuck am I doing?
I didn’t plan on having a baby, but I always I vowed to myself when I did have children, they would always feel wanted. They won’t have to grow up feeling like a mistake like me. They may be unplanned, a surprise, but they will never be unwanted or unloved. I will love and protect my child with every fiber of being.
Grace is an amazing mother, and she once confessed to me that she wished Hope hadn’t come so soon, but she gives her life new meaning. Carson isn’t even in the picture but I know Grace would never resent her daughter. The love there, the pure, unconditional love between Grace and Hope has always made me a little envious. If I’m pregnant, though, I could have that love with my baby.
My baby. There could be a baby being created inside me. Part Brett, part me.
Or there could not be.
But if there is, it’s something, no, someone we created. And isn’t that a little bit amazing?
I put the box back on the shelf and feel a little sick that I even thought I could be so selfish.
Brett may not want to be a father, but I will give him that choice. I turn around and walk back down the aisle. Stopping, I pick up a couple of boxes of pregnancy tests.
I’ve made my decision.
If I’m pregnant, I’m keeping the baby.
Brett
I can’t stop my foot from bouncing. I have tried, but it isn’t working. My hands have that nervous twitch to them that I keep trying to shake out. It’s the usual ticks with my hands and legs right before a fight. I am always anxious to get the fight started. I would rather just get straight into it than to sit and wait.
I hate fucking waiting. I hate fucking waiting for bad fucking news, and I hate fucking waiting. Right now, I don’t feel like I am in control of anything. It’s fucking driving me insane.
We honestly have zero fucking clue if she is pregnant. It was a condom break, and most condoms have some kind of spermicide, right?
She was so fucking quiet, it drives me fucking nuts not to just walk in, pick her up, and tell her no fucking chance are we doing a plan b pill. I want a baby with her, and I mean want. I want her, too. I want her as mine. Exactly as she should be and should have been. No more of this runaway bullshit, no more of this scared to be each other’s.
She had her fucking chance to get away from me.
I am not saying I don’t understand because I had to grow the fuck up sometime and I figure she had to do what she had to do. She’s mine, mine and mine alone. No more fucking other women who get me off but can’t make me happy.
I also remember what I thought all those years ago when we thought she might be pregnant. She is going to be a fucking milf and look sexy as fuck pregnant with my babies.
Babies, not baby.
She will be lucky I don’t try to get a football team out of her.
My hand reaches for the door handle as soon as I think of her pregnant and is pushing it open when I see her come out the sliding doors.
For the fucking life of me, though, I cannot figure out her look.
Pulling my door shut, I wait for her as she gets in the truck and looks straight ahead. She doesn’t look as shocked as she does nervous now.
She continues to stare ahead and says, “If I’m pregnant I want to keep the baby.”
“Thank fucking god.”
Turning to me, she looks confused as fuck. After taking a deep breath, she bursts out with, “This is my decision, I wo
n’t pressure you into being a father.”
What the fuck? “Well, if you are pregnant then the baby is going to have his dad around. I will fight for that.”
“If.. If… If you want to be around, I won’t keep you from seeing our child.”
Snorting quietly, I shake my head, “Well I don’t think you get what I am saying. I will be the standup dad and I will be there for my child. I will also be there right alongside you with the shitty diapers.”
Sniffling, she gives me a small smile and says, “Thank you. Knowing you will be there for them makes it a little less scary.”
I have been living a hell of a life. A lot of alcohol when I could, and a fuck ton of women when I could and shouldn’t have. I have seen way too much shit to be where I am, and the only thing that keeps returning to me in my head is how much just seeing her tonight was amazing and how it was almost like fucking magic.
She’s the one for me. I cannot let her get away.
It’s been too many years between us to not have some problems, but nothing is insurmountable. Nothing cannot be fuckin’ beaten. No matter what, I don’t want to see her on weekends when I pick up our kid. I want to be in bed with her when the kid comes screaming into the bedroom crying about a nightmare. When they draw their first horse or when they go to their first homecoming dance.
I know Mandy will be the kind of woman who will be one of the most amazing mothers, and I just know I want to be there with her, sharing the love and light she will put out.
She is the light to me. She illuminates all the darkness I have inside me and the destruction I feel I put out with my hands. I can’t let her get away. I can’t. I did once. I can’t again.
“So what kind of diamond cut do you like?”
Frowning, she asks “What do you mean?”
“You know round, square, diamond or that umm I don’t know… What kind do you like? Do they make ovals?” I have no clue about the names, but I hear that some women like different cuts and shit. Fuck.
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“Fuck it!” I say and put the truck into reverse. “I have a better idea.”
“What the hell are you doing?” she asks me as I get a big smile on my face.
I drive through the night, out to the strip, to where everything is available and ready for instant gratification. I head to the jewelry shop that I got mom stuff with my dad for her birthday. I am sure they will have what she wants.
Mandy is quiet as she watches the road ahead of us, then she turns to me and says, “Are you okay?”
“Yep. Trust me.”
“I didn’t break you did I?”
I look over to her and snicker, “No, but I am going to break you soon enough.” She looks even more confused when I wink.
We pull in front of the jewelry store and I smile. Yep, open 24-hours a day. They have to be in this town, what with all the wedding chapels around.
I hop out of the truck and walk around to her side, opening the door.
Shaking her head at me she asks, “What are we doing here?”
I reach in and unbutton her belt and take her hand and gently pull her out of the truck. She climbs down and stands there, looking up at me with worry and confusion clear on her face.
Leaning down, I put my hand behind her head and pull her close, kissing her with a great deal of gentle care. She could be pregnant; I do not want her scared or hurting right now. That’s not a good way to get her to marry me.
Shaking her head, she pushes me away from her and my heart all but crumbles into the dark despair I felt so many years ago. Fuck. This is not how I want to feel right now, and I do not want her to say no, not now. I just got her back.
“No, we can’t do this. If you are doing what I think you want to do, we can’t do this.”
“What the fuck do you mean? I love you, you love me and we are going to have a child. I don’t care if we don’t have one either. You’re mine. You had your chance to end this long ago, now it’s my turn. You’re mine.” I say with a lot of feeling, I cannot let her go again.
“It’s too fast and too soon. You’re just stressed and I am stressed, we have no clue what’s going to happen. Neither of us are in the right mind right now.”
Her words have meaning, just not for me.
“I’m not stressed, I am clear-headed. Maybe I was while I was waiting for you in the parking lot, which I really don’t think I will do again. I want to have a baby with you. I want to be with you. I have loved since before you even knew who I was. Now I want to marry you. This isn’t really that complicated.”
Is she just being fucking dense with me on purpose, testing my fucking resolve? Fuck, does she not even understand what a fighter like me goes through on a fucking daily basis? My will and my resolve are not fucking bending on this.
I then say as she opens her mouth to speak, “I was nervous in the car. I had the twitches and foot jitters. Just like before a fight. Now, I am crystal clear, Mandy. I love you. I want you as my wife and the mother of my horde of children we will be having.”
And now she bursts into fucking tears. Fuck my goddamn mouth, did I fuck up?
I pull her into my chest as she sobs and babbles to me, snot and tears soaking my shirt.
“But I left you!” she wails and clutches at my shirt. Every other word comes out as a gasp, and from what I gather she starts to talk about her parents bullying her into leaving me. I get mad, and I get mad at them… A few of those old wounds make more sense.
“I wanted to come back…but I couldn’t afford it. I tried to call… but you never answered. The more time passed, the harder it was to come back. But now I’m back, completely broke and a failure. You stick your dick in me one time and now you want to marry me! We can’t do this!”
“We sure as fuck can!” I say back to her. “Fuck them and fuck what we can’t or shouldn’t do. Do you love me?” I ask.
“Yes! But I might not even be pregnant. I just had my period and we won’t even be able to tell for like two or three more weeks. You don’t have to marry me just because you think you knocked me up.”
“I don’t care even if I didn’t knock you up. I am going to knock you up as soon as possible and get you in the kitchen!”
Her jaw drops, yeah I have that effect on women sometimes.
“I say we get the ring and go back to my place and see if we can knock you up. The sooner we start the easier it will be to get all the boys on football and baseball teams together. We also need to not space them out.”
“You are fucking insane! My night started out going out with the girls to get a drink and it is ending with you telling me we are going to be quiverfulls! It’s three in the morning and you are trying to get me to go get an engagement ring!”
I shrug my shoulders, “Yeah, crazy, huh?”
“I… I need time to think about all of this.”
“Nope.”
“What the fuck do you mean nope?”
“You don’t need time. You love me. We are getting engaged.”
“I have a headache. I got drunk, had sex, and now some lunatic is trying to impregnate me. I. Need. Time. To. Think.”
“What if I promise to kiss your neck?”
“No.”
“Would going and getting some food help?”
“I’m going to need longer than that.”
“How long?”
“I need to sleep on it.”
I set my eyes and give her the look I give when I face some asshole who thinks they can break me.
“No.” No way. I can’t let her get away.
Her eyes squint together as she gets that steely look in her eyes. Then she throws her hands up in the air. “Fine, but not like this then, dammit! I don’t want to pick my ring out, I want to be surprised! You have to fucking woo me, asshole!”
Shit.
Mandy
Brett’s completely lost it, but I must be going insane too. I can’t believe I agreed to marry him. I can’t believe h
e wants to marry me. It’s like tonight is just some weird dream. I wouldn’t be surprised if I wake up tomorrow to discover I must have made up half of the shit that just happened inside my head.
But if it’s real… I don’t want him to take it back. The more I think of marrying Brett, the more I want to do it. He wants me, he loves me, and he wants to have babies with me. I feel like if I don’t fuck this up, this could be my shot at true happiness.
Brett helps me back in his truck and it’s a long drive back to his house. I fall asleep somewhere along the way and wake up to him carrying me up the stairs.
“Brett?” I ask, lifting my head from his chest.
His arms tighten around me and he tells me to, “Go back to sleep, I got you.”
I can’t though, I’m awake now, but I just rest my head against his chest again as he carries me into his bedroom. I notice that he’s switched to a bigger room since high school. This one is twice the size of his old room. After laying me down on his bed and pulling off my shoes, he kicks off his shoes then climbs in. I try to scoot over to give him more room but he grabs me up and wraps me in his arms.
He’s so large, I feel engulfed by his hard body as he tucks my head under his chin.
“Mine,” he growls and I feel his breathing deepening as his chest rises up and down slowly against my back.
How many nights did I dream of being in his arms again? Of being loved by him again? It feels so good, so warm. Too good to be true.
I don’t even remember falling back to sleep. When I wake up again my neck is being kissed and my breasts are being caressed by a strong pair of hands.
“Are you awake?” Brett asks huskily.
I arch my back and groan, “Yes.”
“Good morning,” he chuckles and I feel something hard poke me in the ass.
“Good morning,” I gasp and jerk away from him.
“Come back here, you.”
I shake my head and roll over. I need to see him.
Brett growls as if he’s displeased but I ignore him. I reach up, tipping my head back and take his face in my hands. “Are you real?”
Slamming Demon: A Pounding Hearts Novel Page 19