by Galen, Shana
“No,” she said, surprising herself. Someone gasped and she was not certain whether it was Eva or herself.
She was still staring into Adam’s eyes, and she watched as the warmth in them dimmed. She pulled her hands from his and stood. Immediately, she regretted the action as her legs felt wobbly. “I am so sorry, my lord,” she told Adam. “I cannot accept your proposal.” She wanted to—oh, how she wanted to. “It is kind of you to offer, but I do not want to marry out of obligation.”
She had married the first time because she loved James and he loved her. She could never marry a man out of desperation to pay debts or save her social standing. It was kind of Adam to offer, but she did not want to marry a man because he was taking pity on her.
Her legs trembled as though they were turning to clotted cream, and she began to sink down. She felt as though she were sinking into a pit three thousand feet deep, and at the bottom was the leering face of Haggerston.
But to her surprise, Adam grasped her elbow gently, anchoring her. “Might we speak in private, Mrs. Farthing?” he asked. His gaze darted to Eva. “My lady, is there a place we might discuss this matter without being overheard?”
“O-Of course.” Eva’s voice sounded rusty, as though she had not spoken in years. “My private parlor adjoins this room. Just through there.” She indicated a panel in the wall, which upon closer scrutiny, Holly could see was actually a door.
Adam turned to Haggerston. “If I am fortunate enough to secure Mrs. Farthing’s hand in marriage, you can be assured I will pay her debt to you.”
Haggerston made a low grumbling noise and looked away.
Hand still on her elbow, Adam led her to the panel and pushed on it gently until it swung inward, revealing a small antechamber.
He released her elbow and indicated she should go first. Holly looked back at Eva and Haggerston. Eva’s expression was one of contained excitement while the slash between Haggerston’s brows indicated annoyance. Holly looked at Adam, his raised brows told her the next move was hers. Taking a deep breath, Holly stepped into the yellow-papered room. She had been here before, entering through another door. She remembered the sun streaming through the windows and making rectangular patterns on the carpets. Now the landscape beyond the windows was gray and blurred with falling snow.
Behind her, the wall panel closed, and Adam cleared his throat. “Now, Holly, let’s discuss my proposal.”
SHE TURNED TO FACE him, and he could see she was on the verge of collapse. The color had drained from her cheeks, and her eyes were wide and glassy. He took her elbow and steered her to a chair. “Sit down and catch your breath a moment, sweetheart.”
Her eyes widened at the endearment, and he made a note to refrain from using them for the time being. He stepped away from her, giving her time to indeed catch her breath and gather her wits. He moved to the window and was pleased to note he could see a bit of the lawn now. The snow still fell but it was not as heavy or driving as before. His mother would be disappointed when he did not arrive this afternoon, but Adam did not wish the circumstances changed. Nor did he wish he could rescind his proposal of marriage to Holly.
Yes, there might have been a moment after he’d spoken when panic had welled up within him and his inner voice had screamed, what have you done? He’d berated and chided himself for speaking so rashly. Why, he had not even considered the most important question—would he want to sit across from Holly each morning for the rest of his life? He was trying to imagine it, succeeding only in imagining her honeyed hair spread out on a pillow and her arms reaching up to him, when she said, no.
And just like that, the image of the two of them at a breakfast table, sunlight streaming behind her and the scent of tea in the air, formed and then shattered. In his mind, he looked at the empty place where she had been, and he knew he wanted her back.
But how to proceed? She believed he only wanted to marry her out of a sense of duty. And he did feel a sense of duty. She was Edward’s sister, and he could not, would not, see her brought low. It was more than that, only if he told her so, she might not believe him. How to buy time and prove to her what he felt was more than a sense of duty? And what exactly did he feel? Lust, certainly. Love? Did that even matter when there was lust?
“Adam,” she said, and he turned to look at her. Some of the color had returned to her face and she looked calmer. “I want to thank you for your proposal. I understand why you offered...what you offered.”
“No, you don’t.” She blinked in surprise, and he moved away from the window. “You think I proposed because you are Edward’s little sister, and I feel a duty or obligation to you because of our connection.”
“Well, yes,” she admitted. Her gaze followed him as he took the seat beside her and leaned close. “Is that not correct?”
“I do want to protect you,” he said. “We needn’t marry for me to do so.”
“I see.” Her brow furrowed. “Oh, no. I’m sorry. I don’t see.”
Neither did he. Think, man. You’re confusing her. “We both know Haggerston is an unscrupulous lecher. He sees you as an easy mark. However, if you are betrothed to me, then that removes you from his grasp.”
“I thought you said—”
“We need only allow people to think we intend to marry, Holly. We needn’t actually do so.”
“So you do not want to marry me?”
Of course, he did, didn’t he? Either way he answered was a trap, and so he turned the conversation. “What I want is to remove you from Haggerston’s sights. That gives us time to bring to light secrets he might be hiding or perhaps reveal the truth about this IOU. At the very least, we need to confirm his story.”
“And what if what he says is true?”
It was a good question, and one he had not wanted to consider. “Then would you consider me as an alternative to ostracism?”
“Adam, I can’t.”
“It won’t come to that, my love.”
Her eyes widened.
“If we’re to pretend to be betrothed, we must make it believable,” he said quickly to cover his blunder.
“I suppose.”
Adam sat back. He wanted her at that breakfast table, and all he needed was a day or two to show her she wanted it as well. He’d kissed her twice now, and he’d felt a spark he suspected could be fanned into a searing flame between them. Could there be more? He did not doubt it. But he would not force her to agree to this plan.
“It was an idea I had in the moment,” he said. “Perhaps you have another, and I can see you have objections. If you say no, I will abandon it at once.”
But not her. He would not step away from her. No, the image of that breakfast table with her smiling across at him was too firmly entrenched now.
“A pretend engagement,” she said slowly.
He nodded, his heart beginning to beat harder.
“And while we pretend, we investigate Lord Haggerston’s allegations.”
“I should think it would take a few days once the snow clears and I can travel to Town,” he said.
She looked doubtful, but she nodded. “Then if that is your proposal, I accept.”
Adam broke into a smile and without thinking reached for her, pulling her close for a kiss.
Five
He did not want to marry her. She’d known this, of course, but she’d allowed herself to believe it might be a possibility for just an instant, and now her bubble of happiness popped.
A few days once the snow clears. That meant this time at Dorsey House was all she had to claim his notice and enjoy his attention. Then she would go back to being alone. And soon, perhaps even this afternoon, the snow would cease falling and they would all go home. She would be even more alone than before.
The smart thing to do was to guard her heart. That was the safe course. She could play at an engagement while still keeping herself distant from him.
But then he reached for her, his lips brushing hers. How could she reject this? Her body leaned into h
is seemingly of its own accord. Her lips caught his, and he cupped the back of her neck, deepening the kiss. Heat rose inside her, flowing through her limbs and settling deep in her belly where it began to pulse.
It had been so long since she had felt this way, since she had wanted a man like this. She might never have this chance again, and she should make the most of every borrowed moment.
Just as she was about to climb over the arm of her chair and drop into his lap in an undignified show of desire, a tap on the wall panel startled them both apart.
“I do not mean to interrupt,” Eva said from the other side of the panel, “but Lord Haggerston and I were wondering if a decision had been made.”
Poor Eva. She had been alone with Haggerston this quarter hour. Even her formidable hostess skills must have been strained to breaking.
Adam’s gaze locked with Holly’s. “We are betrothed,” he said. Holly could not seem to look away from the gold flecks in his eyes. She did not know how it was possible, but they had turned almost molten.
On the other side of the panel, Eva gasped with happiness. Holly must tell her the truth. She couldn’t lie to her dearest friend. She started to rise, to speak to her friend before she could become too excited. “Eva, before you tell everyone, I need to speak with you—”
Adam shook his head. “That is, we need to speak for just a few more minutes. There are a few details to discuss.”
“But surely we might discuss details later,” Eva said, sounding disappointed.
“We will not be long,” Adam promised.
“We cannot leave her trapped with Haggerston,” Holly whispered.
Adam pointed at her. “You are a good friend.”
“Pardon?” Eva asked.
“Would you tell Lord Haggerston I will speak with him in the billiards room in an hour?” Adam asked.
“Of course!” Eva sounded overjoyed by this news. Holly heard the rustle of her skirts as she moved away, and then the low hum of her voice.
Adam took her hand, and she looked down as his large hand and her small one in it. Now that she’d touched him, she could not imagine having to give up the feel of his skin against hers. “You cannot tell anyone this is a ruse,” he said. “Not even Lady Dorsey.”
Holly stepped back as though slapped, but Adam held firmly to her hand. “Everyone must believe it, if it is to work.”
“But I cannot lie to Eva.”
“I know it goes against your nature, but you must. Everyone must believe we are truly betrothed if our plan is to succeed. Lady Dorsey would not intentionally give us away, but I would rather not have to rely on her acting skills.”
Holly nodded. She could see the wisdom of his words. She did not like it, but Eva would understand the need for the deception. Holly’s reputation and the future of their friendship were at stake.
“Speaking of acting skills,” Adam said, and Holly looked up at him. “Neither of us has any future treading the boards either. I think it’s best if we try to act as we normally do. Of course, I will show you more deference and affection. Do you think you can pretend to be in love with me a little?”
Oh, Holly did not think that would be any problem at all. The issue would be not falling in love with him too much, for she already loved him more than a little.
“You needn’t be too effusive,” Adam said, almost apologetically. “I only meant—”
“Yes,” Holly said. “I will manage very well.”
His gaze locked on hers again, and he was obviously trying to see if there was more to what she said. Holly looked away, afraid he might see the truth. “I suppose we should also discuss how to break our engagement,” she said.
“Ah, good thinking.”
Not the response she wanted. Would that he had said, Darling, we need never break our engagement!
“You will need to break it off, of course,” he said. She nodded. If he were to break it off, her reputation would be just as damaged as if the scandal of the IOU were to become public. But Society expected women to be fickle and capricious. Adam would be pitied and plenty of young ladies would be happy to console him.
“Of course,” she agreed, trying not to let the bitterness she felt come through her voice. He still held her hand, and Holly wished he would kiss her again. She wished they could stay in this cozy parlor and pretend to be betrothed all morning and into the afternoon. She knew it was a very wicked thought, but then she was a widow and allowed some license.
Adam squeezed her hand and released it, and she balled her hand into a fist to stop herself from reaching for him again. “I should prepare for my meeting with Haggerston. Is it possible he is lying about the debt?”
Holly had thought of this possibility herself. “I never knew James and Haggerston to be acquainted. James never mentioned losing any money to me. I know that does not seem important as men doubtless rarely tell their wives when they lose at the tables, but James told me everything. We were very close. I cannot imagine he would not tell me about such a large loss.”
“Perhaps he was embarrassed or did not want you to worry.”
“It is possible. But James was not the sort of man to do anything so foolish as to lose a great sum. It is so out of character, and then not telling me is even more out of character.”
“You seem to have had a very close bond,” Adam said. Holly had always thought they had, but now she wondered. “Which brings me back to my original question. Could Haggerston be lying?”
“I don’t know. The writing on the IOU was James’s. I recognized it immediately. And he was a member of White’s.”
“And was he in London shortly before he...passed away?”
“Might I see the IOU again?” she asked. “I cannot recall the date.”
Adam took it from his waistcoat where he had placed it for safekeeping. He handed it to her, and she stared at it as though it were James rising from the grave. Yes, it was definitely written in his hand. He wrote his H with a particular flourish, and there it was where he’d written Haggerston’s name.
It was dated the 27th of September three years before. He had passed away from a fever in November of that same year. “September,” she said almost to herself. “I cannot recall any trips to Town in September.”
“Do you keep a diary?”
She shook her head. “But I will think back and see what I can remember.”
“You do that while I meet with Haggerston and see what I find out. Shall we meet at noon to discuss?”
“Yes.”
“But where might we meet alone?”
Oh, this was too delicious. More time alone with him. She would have to try and make the most of it. Might he kiss her again? Perhaps she would kiss him this time.
“The conservatory?” she suggested.
“I was not aware Dorsey kept a conservatory.”
Holly smiled. “That is why it is perfect. It is small and on the far south side of the house.”
“Then I will see you there at noon.”
Holly hoped he would kiss her again, but he only bowed and took his leave.
She barely had time to catch her breath before Eva burst into the room. She must have been on the other side of the panel waiting for the chance to speak to Holly alone. Eva grasped Holly by the shoulders, guided her to a couch, and sat so close their shoulders touched. “Tell me everything! Holly, that kiss under the mistletoe must have been much more affecting than you made it seem.”
Holly smiled. “It was quite a lovely kiss.”
“And not the only one, I wager. Oh, Holly! I am so happy for you.” She threw her arms around her friend, then pulled back just as quickly. “He is not marrying you just to save you from Haggerston, is he? That is what you came in here to discuss?”
“That is what we came in here to discuss,” Holly said, being careful to behave as authentically as possible. She was no actress, and Eva would know if she tried to lie. But she could simply omit certain points. “I told him I could not allow him to marry me because
he felt an obligation to my brother.”
“And what did he say?”
“He kissed me,” she said, evading the question. That was true enough. “And the kiss was...oh, Eva...it was everything.”
Eva’s hands clenched Holly’s hard. “You were in here for quite a long time. Was that the only time he kissed you? Tell me everything!”
ADAM WAITED IN THE billiards room, a glass of brandy in his hand. He didn’t want a drink. He simply wanted something to do with his hands. Holly seemed so certain that her late husband would have told her if he’d lost that amount of money. She’d seemed unwilling to believe he would do something she believed out of character for him.
As a man privy to all-male spaces, Adam had seen many men behaving in ways that would have shocked their wives. Marriages were alliances, not love matches. The bride and groom often barely knew each other before they said their vows.
Holly and her James seemed different. They had the sort of marriage Adam’s own parents had enjoyed. The sort he had wanted for himself, though he hadn’t really thought of it that way until now. There had been that idea of the woman across the breakfast table—that place taken up by Holly in his mind now. But that idea, he realized, was more about the sort of marriage he wanted and less about the woman. He did not want a beautiful or wealthy stranger sitting there. He wanted a partner. A friend. A lover.
Holly wanted those things as well. She had had them once. Adam wondered if he could give that to her again—if she would even accept it. Perhaps she believed that sort of love once in a lifetime. But Adam thought he could give her that again and make them both happy. He wished he had seen how perfect she was for him before. There had been hints, yes. The way he’d been drawn to her at social outings. The fond memories he had of her when they’d been younger. How she’d caught his attention almost from the first moment she arrived at the house party.
Adam wished he could go back and act on his feelings earlier, before this fiasco with the IOU. Then Holly would not think he was simply trying to save her, when the truth was, he was saving himself. He wanted her, and that feeling was not nearly so selfless as she seemed to believe.