Terrific. I had been hoping that Chumley's analytic approach would simplify things for me. Instead, he had simply added a wagon load of other factors to be considered. I needed that like Deva needed more merchants.
"Well, I appreciate the input, Chumley," I said, rising from my seat. "You've given me a lot to think about."
"Think nothing of it, old boy. Glad to help."
"And you're all set with the assignment? Guido told you how to hook up with Pookie?"
"Right-o."
I started to go, but paused for one more question.
"By the way, Chumley. Have you ever been married yourself?"
"Me?" the troll seemed genuinely surprised. "Gracious no. Why do you ask?"
"Just curious," I said, and headed out the door.
Chapter Seventeen:
"What am I supposed to do with all this gold?"
MIDAS, REX
AT THIS POINT, I had to admit that I was more confused than ever. It seemed that everyone I talked to had a different view of marriage, which wasn't making my decision any easier. One thing everyone seemed to agree on, though: A bad marriage could be a living Hell.
Of course, defining what a good marriage was and how to avoid a bad one seemed to defy simple explanation ... or, at least, one simple enough that I could grasp.
The problem was, as limited as my experience with the opposite sex was, my knowledge of marriages, good or bad, was even sketchier. I could barely remember my own family, I had left home so long ago. The only married couple I had met on my adventures was the Woof Writers, and realizing they were werewolves I somehow didn't think they were a valid role model for me. Then again, Massha and Badaxe were talking about getting married. Maybe they could provide some insight for me.
I was considering this possibility as I wandered across the palace courtyard, when a voice interrupted my thoughts.
"Hey, Partner!"
I had to look around for a moment before I spotted Aahz waving at me from one of the palace's upper windows.
"Where were you this morning? We missed you at the session with Grimble."
"I had to talk to Chumley," I called back. "Guido got hurt, and I had to ask Chumley to stand in for him."
"Whatever," my partner waved. "Go see Grimble. It's important!"
That sounded vaguely ominous, but Aahz seemed chipper enough.
"What's up?"
"Day of the eagle," he yelled, and disappeared from sight.
Terrific!
As I redirected my steps toward Grimble's office, I couldn't help but feel a little annoyed. I mean, with all the other problems plaguing me, I really didn't need the added distraction of talking to Grimble about some bird sanctuary.
"Hi, Grimble. Aahz said you wanted to see me?"
The Chancellor glanced up to where I was leaning against the doorway.
"Ah. Lord Skeeve," he nodded. "Yes. Come in. This shouldn't take long."
I eased into the room and plopped down in the offered chair.
"What's the problem? Aahz said something about eagles?"
"Eagles? I wonder what he was referring to. No, there's no problem," Grimble said. "If anything, quite the contrary. In fact, the new tax collection process is working well enough that we're now in a positive cash flow situation. What's more, I think that except for dotting a few I's and crossing a few T's we've got the new budget pretty well nailed down."
He leaned back and favored me with one of his rare smiles.
"Speaking of 'tease' that's quite a little assistant you have there. I'll admit I'm very impressed with all her qualifications. Take my advice and don't let her go ... as if I had to tell you that."
This was, of course, accompanied by a smirk and a wink.
While I had grown to expect this sort of comment from Grimble whenever the subject of Bunny came up, I found I was no more fond of it than when they had first met. At least now, he was refraining from such behavior in her presence ... which was a victory of sorts, I suppose. Still, I was annoyed and decided to take another shot at it.
"I'm surprised to hear you talk that way, Grimble," I said. "Are you really so hung up on hormones that you can't just acknowledge her worth as a colleague without adding sexual innuendos?"
"Well ... I ..." the Chancellor began, but I cut him off.
"... Especially realizing that the Queen ... you know, your employer? ... is also female. I wonder if she's aware of your slanted views regarding her gender, or, if she isn't, how she'd react if she found out. Do you think she'd just fire you, or would she want to see if you were bluffing, first? From what I can tell, she's as interested in playing around as you claim to be."
Grimble actually blanched which, realizing how pale his complexion was to start with, was quite a sight.
"You wouldn't tell her, would you, Lord Skeeve?" he stammered. "I meant no disrespect to Bunny. Really. She has one of the best financial minds it's been my privilege to work with ... male or female. I was just trying to make a little joke. You know, man to man? It's one of the rituals of male bonding."
"Not with all males," I pointed out. "Relax, though. You should know me well enough by now to realize it's not my style to go running to the Queen with reports or complaints. Just don't push it so hard in the future. Okay?"
"Thank you, Lord Skeeve. I ... Thanks. I'll make a point of it."
"Now then," I said, starting to rise, "I assume we're done here? That the report on the collections and budget was what you wanted to see me about?"
"No, that was just a casual update," Grimble corrected, back on familiar ground now. "The real reason I had to see you was this."
He reached somewhere on the floor behind him and produced a large bag which jingled as he plopped it onto his desk.
"I don't understand," I said, eyeing the bag. "What is it?"
"It's your wages," he smiled. "I know that normally you let your assistants handle these matters, but realizing the amount involved due to your promotion, I thought you might like to deal with it personally."
I stared at the bag uncomfortably. It was a very big bag.
Even though I had been persuaded by Aahz and Bunny to accept a sizable wage for my services, looking at a number on a piece of paper was a lot different than actually seeing the equivalent in hard cash.
Perhaps it wouldn't seem like so much after I had paid the others their share ...
"Your assistants have already picked up their wages," Grimble was saying, "so this is the last payment to complete this round of payroll. If you'll just sign here?"
He pushed a slip of paper across the desk at me, but I ignored it and kept staring at the money bag.
It was a very large bag. Especially considering how little I was actually doing.
"Is something wrong, Lord Skeeve?"
For a moment, I actually considered telling him what was bothering me, which is a sign of how upset I was. Grimble is not someone you confide in.
"No. Nothing," I said instead.
"Would you like to count it?" he pressed, apparently still unconvinced.
"Why? Didn't you?"
"Of course I did," the Chancellor bristled, his professional pride stung. I forced a smile.
"Good enough for me. Checking your work would be a waste of both our time, don't you agree?"
I quickly scribbled my name on the receipt, gathered up the bag, and left, carefully ignoring the puzzled look Grimble was leveling at me.
"You gonna need us for anything, Boss? You want we should hang around out here?"
"Whatever, Guido," I waved absently as I shut the door. "I'm going to be here for a while, though, if you want to get something to eat. I've got a lot to think over."
"Oh, we already ate. So we'll just ..."
The door closed and cut off the rest of whatever it was he was saying.
Guido and Nunzio had materialized at my side somewhere during my walk back from Grimble's. I wasn't sure exactly when, as I had been lost in thought and they hadn't said anything until we reach
ed my room. If I had realized they were there, I probably would have had one of them carry the bag of gold for me. It was heavy. Very heavy.
Setting the burden down on my desk, I sank into a chair and stared at it. I had heard of bad pennies coming back to haunt someone, but this was ridiculous.
I had been so absorbed in trying to make up my mind about Queen Hemlock that I hadn't gotten around to my self-appointed task of trying to cut back on my staff or otherwise reduce the M.Y.T.H. Inc. bill to the kingdom. Now, I had the money in hand, and all I felt was guilty.
No matter what Aahz and Bunny said, it still felt wrong to me. Here we were, cutting corners on the budget and squeezing taxes out of the populace to try to shore up the kingdom's financial woes, while I siphoned money out of the treasury that I didn't really need. What was more, since it was my procrastinating on staff cuts that had resulted in the inflated payday, I certainly didn't think I should be rewarded for it.
The more I thought about it, the more determined I became to figure out some way to give the money back. Of course, it would have to be done quietly, almost secretly, or I'd suffer the wrath of both Aahz and Bunny. Still, to me it was necessary if I was going to be able to live with myself.
Then, too, there was the problem of how to reduce our payroll. Actually, if what Grimble had just told me was accurate, that situation might take care of itself. If the budget was coming into balance, and if the collection process was now flowing smoothly, then I could probably send Bunny back to Deva, as well as one or more of my bodyguards. What was more, I could then insist on removing my own payment as financial counselor. All that should reduce the M.Y.T.H. Inc. bill substantially.
That still left me with the problem of how to deal with the disproportionate payment I had already received.
Then an idea struck me. I'd do what any other executive would do when confronted with a problem: I'd delegate it to someone else!
Striding to the door, I opened it and looked into the hall. Sure enough, my two bodyguards were still there, apparently embroiled in conversation with each other.
"Guido! Nunzio!" I called. "Come in here for a second."
I re-entered the room and returned to my desk without waiting to see if they were responding. I needn't have worried.
By the time I had re-seated myself, they were standing in front of me.
"I have a little assignment for you boys," I said, smiling.
"Sure, Boss," they chimed in chorus.
"But first, I want to check something. As long as I've known you, you've both made it clear that, in the past, you've had no qualms about bending the rules as situations called for it, working outside the law as it were. Is that correct?"
"That's right."
"No problem."
I noticed that, though to the affirmative, their answers were slower and less enthusiastic than before.
"All right. The job I have for you has to be done secretly, with nobody knowing that I'm behind it. Not even Aahz or Bunny. Understand?"
My bodyguards looked even more uncomfortable than before, but nodded their agreement.
"Okay, here's the job," I said, pushing the bagol money towards them. "I want you to take this money and get rid of it."
The two men stared at me, then exchanged glances.
"I don't quite get you, Boss," Guido said at last. "What do you want us to do with it?"
"I don't care and I don't want to know," I said. "I just want this money back in circulation within the kingdom. Spend it or give it to charity."
Just then an idea hit me.
"Better still, figure out some way of passing it around to those people who have been complaining that they can't pay their taxes."
Guido frowned and glanced at his cousin again.
"I dunno, Boss," he said carefully. "It don't seem right, somehow. I mean, we're supposed to be collectin' taxes from people ... not givin' it to them."
"What Guido means," Nunzio put in, "is that our speciality is extracting funds from people and institutions. Givin' it back is a little out of our line."
"Well then I guess it's about time you expanded your horizons," I said, unmoving. "Anyway, that's the assignment. Understand?"
"Yes, Boss," they chorused, still looking uneasy.
"And remember, not a word about this to the rest of the team."
"If you say so, Boss."
As I've said, the bag was heavy enough to have given me trouble carrying it, but Guido gathered it up easily with his one good hand, then stood hefting it for a moment.
"Umm ... Are you sure you want to do this, Boss?" he said. "It don't seem right, somehow. Most folks would have to work for a lifetime to earn this much money."
"That's my point," I muttered.
"Huh?"
"Never mind," I said. "I'm sure. Now do it. Okay?"
"Consider it done."
They didn't quite salute, but they drew themselves up and nodded before they headed for the door. I recalled they had been working with the army for a while, and guessed that it had rubbed off on them more than they realized.
After they had gone, I leaned back and savored the moment.
I actually felt good! It seemed that I had found a solution to at least one of my problems.
Maybe that had been my difficulty all this time. I had been trying to focus on too many unrelated problems at once. Now that the whole money thing was off my back, I could devote my entire attention to the Queen Hemlock situation without interruptions or distractions.
For the first time in a long while, I actually felt optimistic about being able to arrive at a decision.
Chapter Eighteen:
"It's so easy, a child could do it!"
THE LEGAL DISCLAIMER FOUND ON THE INSTRUCTION SHEET OF ANY "ASSEMBLE IT YOURSELF" KIT
"BLAH BLAH BLAH flowers, blah blah blah protocol. Understood?"
"Uh-huh," I said, looking out the window.
When I had agreed to hear the plans for the upcoming marriage between Massha and General Badaxe, I had done it without realizing how long it would take or how complex the ceremony would be. After several hours of this however, I realized that my own part was going to be minimal, and was having a great deal of difficulty paying attention to the myriad of details.
"Of course, blah blah blah ..."
And they were off again.
A bird landed on a branch outside the window and began gobbling down a worm. I found myself envying him. Not that I was particularly hungry, mind you. It was just that the way my life had been going lately, eating a worm seemed like a preferable alternative.
"Have you got that? Skeeve?"
I jerked my head back to the task at hand, only to find my massive apprentice peering at me intently. Obviously, I had just missed something I was supposed to respond to.
"Umm ... Not really, Massha. Could you summarize it again briefly so I can be sure I have it right?"
I didn't mean to emphasize the word 'briefly/ but she caught it anyway.
"Hmmm," she said, fixing me with a suspicious stare. "Maybe we should take a break for a few minutes," she said. "I think we could all do with a good stretch of the legs."
"If you say so, my dear," the General said, rising obediently to his feet.
I admired his stamina ... and his patience. I was sure that this was as tedious for him as it was for me, but you'd never tell it to look at him.
I started to rise as well, then sank back quickly into my seat as a wave of dizziness hit me.
"Hey Skeeve! Are you all right?"
Massha was suddenly more concerned than she had been a moment before.
"I'm fine," I said, trying to focus my eyes.
"Would you like some wine?"
"No!! I mean, I'm all right. Really. I just didn't get much sleep last night is all."
"Uh-huh. Out tom-catting again, were you, Hot Stuff?"
Normally, I kind of enjoyed Massha's banter. Today, though, I was just too tired to play.
"Actually, I went to bed
fairly early," I said, stuffily- "I just had a lot of trouble getting to sleep. I guess there was just too much on my mind to relax."
That was a bit of an understatement. Actually, I had tossed and turned most of the night ... just as I had for the two previous nights. I had hoped that once I had dealt with the money problems I had been wrestling with, I could concentrate on making up my mind about whether or not to marry Queen Hemlock. Instead, all the factors and ramifications kept dancing in my head, jostling in my head, jostling each other for importance, until I couldn't focus on any of them. Unfortunately, I couldn't put them aside, either.
"Uh-huh," she said, peering at me carefully.
Whatever she saw, she didn't like. Pushing two chairs together, she sat down next to me a put a motherly hand on my shoulder.
"Come on, Skeeve," she said. "Tell Massha all about it. What is it that's eating you up lately?"
"It's this whole thing about whether or not to marry Queen Hemlock," I said. "I just can't seem to make up my mind. As near as I can tell, there isn't a clear cut right answer. Any option I have seems to be loaded with negatives. Whatever I do is going to affect so many people, I'm paralytic for fear of doing the wrong thing. I'm so afraid of doing something wrong, I'm not doing anything at all."
Massha heaved a great sigh.
"Well, I can't make that call for you, Skeeve. Nobody can. If it's any help, though, you should know that you're loved, and that your friends will stand by whatever decision you reach. I know it's rough right now, but we have every faith that you'll do the right thing."
I guess that was supposed to be reassuring. It flashed across my mind, however, that I really didn't need to be reminded of how much everyone was counting on me to reach the right decision ... when after weeks of deliberation I still didn't have the foggiest idea of what the right decision was! Still, my apprentice was trying to help the only way she knew how, and I didn't want to hurt her for that.
"Thanks, Massha," I said, forcing a smile. "That does help a bit."
"Ahem."
I glanced up to see General Badaxe stepping forward. He had been so quiet I had forgotten he was in the room until he cleared his voice.
"Will you excuse us, my dear? I'd like to have a word with Lord Skeeve."
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