by Eric Ugland
I blinked a few times while I tried to contain the mild freakout. I mean, obviously I’d been thinking I’d just bring everyone to Coggeshall, but two thousand kobolds? That was a hell of a lot. That would be the single largest population group in the holding, and I had to wonder what the ramifications of that might be. Kobolds weren’t popular, and here I was bringing in a ton of them. But did I really care? I’d said I’d let in goblins if they’d ask — was I going to deny that to kobolds? They certainly seemed to be better than goblins, at least in the interactions I’d had. They’d never been overtly violent to me, whereas goblins had tried to kill me on multiple occasions.
“If you ask,” I said, “I will offer you admittance to my holding. Provided you swear fealty.”
“To you?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“I cannot speak for all of the kobolds here, but I can say that I will take your offer, at the very least.”
I held out my hand. Slowly, he reached out his little claw, and we shook.
“Well,” I said, “Baltu, welcome to the dukedom.”
“Thank you,” he said with a bow of his head, “your grace. I will have a talk with my brethren, and see where their feelings lie. Provided, of course, that you might grant your lowly servant safe passage through the throne room and beyond.”
“Hey buddy,” I said, standing up as straight as I could in the tiny room, “you’re part of the family now. Nobody gets to fuck with you but me.”
Chapter Fifteen
I was not expecting the notification I got, but up popped this:
You have completed a quest:
Won’t You Save Your Neighbor
Your neighbors, the South Mountain kobold warren has been the sacrificial storehouse for the Night/Dark Goblins who also inhabit your valley. The kobolds seem unable to stop the goblins, and sought your help in stopping the goblins from making their routine raids and sacrificing kobolds to their dark gods. Your solution is somewhat unorthodox, but by bringing the kobolds of the South Mountain warren into Coggeshall proper, you have made them safer from the night goblins.
Reward for success: Significant increase in relationship with the kobolds formerly of the South Mountain warren, 2500 XP
Nice. Unexpected to see that the quest would consider moving the kobolds to Coggeshall, if they wanted to come, as a completion state, but I wasn’t going to argue with it.
I didn’t bother to pull out a weapon as I walked with Baltu through the halls of the kobold warren. Every once in a while, Baltu would stop at a ramshackle door, push it open, and disappear inside. I could hear muted talking, nearly all of it from Baltu, but I didn’t listen in. Instead, I leaned against the wall and frowned, doing my best to look like I was pissed off and mean. Which, to be fair, I had a feeling most of my own subjects would say was the truth.
Then Baltu would emerge, sometimes nodding, sometimes shaking his head. One time ducking a ceramic pot filled with a noxious liquid that broke against the far wall of the tunnel. At no point though, did I see any of the kobolds he spoke with, which struck me as odd.
Finally, we got to the point where I needed to do something: the Throne Room.
The big fat dudes were still lounging around the place, eating. I counted eight of them, the biggest nearing six feet, and who knows how many pounds. Lots. Tiny kobolds, especially in comparison to the big dudes, were bringing in sacks of edible stuff, which, you know varied quite wildly in what a human might term edible. Lots of mold-covered items. Some of it I think was just straight mold. Or liquid mold. There were meat-like substances, and bones. Virtually all organics were on the table, it seemed. And then there were the poor kobolds who seemed to be tasked with the horrific task of ferrying the waste from the room. Apparently the hopeful transitioners were unwilling to leave the room even to, you know, poop and stuff.
While I stood there, watching Baltu approach the eaters, one of them stared at me as he got up. He pulled down his proto-trousers and took a big stinky dump right there on the floor. Didn’t bother to take his eyes off me once.
“I’ve seen better,” I said in kobold.
The pooper sneered at me.
Baltu took a position in front of the largest of the group, and he bowed his head a little.
Before he could even open up his mouth, the big kobold had his arm cocked, and rocketed a backhand across Baltu’s face. Baltu’s snout whipped around to face me, and then his eyes rolled back into his head and he crumpled to the floor.
I shook my head.
“Bad move, big boy,” I said, stepping forward.
Big Boy seemed to disagree.
“That one has no right to talk to me,” Big Boy said, getting to his taloned feet. “Neither do you.”
His hands were flexing, and despite the extra pounds the dude was carrying, there was definitely some serious muscle underneath. Also, teeth. And claws.
“Think,” I said. “Do you really want to do this?”
“Yes,” he said.
The other seven were getting to their feet, and I couldn’t help but notice that Pooper was grinning with excitement. They started to spread out around me in a rough semi-circle. It would have been a circle except I wasn’t far enough into the throne room. At the far end was still the remains of the dais with a few flakes of gold paint remaining. Big Boy was in the center, Pooper off to the far end.
Because I’m an idiot, I snuck a glance at Pooper, which is exactly when Big Boy lashed out, his claws ripping right across my throat.
I leaned back just enough that Big Boy’s claws didn’t dig through my jugular, but he got in deep enough to gash, and blood came spurting out. I got a fist around though, and punched him in his eye. But one of his stupid eye-horns going right through my knuckles.
Leaning back, I got my leg up and Sparta-kicked Big Boy. He crumpled almost in half before he tripped over his own feet and crashed on the ground.
Pooper made his move then, but I wasn’t having it.
He jumped at me, arms out wide, I think trying to do some sort of cool claw-based move. But I just grabbed him by the neck, twisted my body out of the way and slammed him down on the ground.
Pooper landed with a whuff, the stone floor doing a good job knocking the wind out of him. Dust and other detritus whooshed out from around his still form.
Wanting to make sure he stayed out of the fight, I gave the asshole a swift kick to the face. I heard a sharp crack, and Pooper moved no more.
GG! You’ve killed a Kobold (lvl 18 Bruiser).
You’ve earned 500 XP! What a mighty hero you are.
The other six kobolds still seemed interested in continuing our fight, though certainly not quite as eager as at first. You know, when there was eight of them.
“You don’t have to do this, boys,” I said.
One of them growled at me, and I sent out a quick jab, tagging the kobold in his snout.
“Last chance,” I said. “I don’t have all night to dance with you Nancys.”
One of the six charged, roaring his way to me, mouth wide open. I thought the others were going to gang up on me, but these cats seemed to like fighting one-on-one, mano-a-koboldo. Which worked for me.
I wasn’t playing around anymore. I was done. So I grabbed the charger’s jaw and yanked straight down as hard as I could. There was a loud pop, and the jaw came loose, like it was dislocated. So I got my other hand on the top of the jaw, and pulled my arms apart.
There was a nasty tearing noise, and a spurt of blood. And then, I had a weapon.
Kobold’s Jaw
Item Type: Improvised
Item Class: One-handed Melee
Material: Bone, flesh
Damage: 10-20 (Slashing)
Durability: ???
Weight: 2.8 lbs
Requirements: Not being squeamish
Description: The jaw of a kobold, teeth included.
Before any of the standing five could move, I swung the jaw, making sure the pointiest, longest tooth was aiming straig
ht for the nearest kobold’s pretty brown eye.
Pop went the eyeball, and that kobold started screaming. I stomped on his foot and pushed him over.
A back hand here, a punch there. I took a hit so I could throw another over my shoulder, and I made short work of the big kobold motherfuckers. They just weren’t trained for fighting. At least not brawling like this.
I wiped the bit of blood off my neck as it healed, and pulled some teeth out of my hands, tossing them on the floor.
There was a low groaning noise, and something that sounded a bit like flesh tearing. I shuddered, realizing I was the kind of dude who recognized what flesh tearing sounded like. But in the dimly lit former throne room, I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. That was one of the problems with having such a tall ceiling with so many hard surfaces. Sounds were bouncing everywhere.
Finally, I saw it. Something very large had blocked the light, standing where Big Boy had once been. It quivered just a little, and stretched towards a ceiling that seemed almost as tall as in a cathedral.
Big Boy’d gotten bigger…
Kohemoth.
Chapter Sixteen
Kohemoth.
The word itself strikes fear into the hearts of, well, no one really. I’d never heard of one before. But there was a good chance it was going to be something people heard about in the future, because the thing was impressive as fuck.
It was big, that’s for sure. Big Boy was now poorly named — Bigger Boy or Biggest Boy might be more apt. It also wasn’t quite as simple as super-sizing a kobold. It was a boost of size and aggression to everything, at least as far as I could see. The spikes on Big Boy had easily tripled in size, and now seemed to have jagged edges of their own. Spikes on spikes. His mammoth teeth barely fit in his mouth. His eyes were still kind of beady, sunken deeper into his skull. Which was probably good for a brawler, harder to end up like his buddy I’d taken the jaw to. His legs were longer now, but seemed disproportionately short for his body. But his arms were the opposite, his knuckles now seemed like they’d drag on the ground. His tail was huge. Heavy looking with plates of armor that looked like wide-bladed knives. A great balance to his gargantuan mouth full of nasty-looking teeth.
“Well fuck me,” I said. “You did it!”
Bigger Boy opened his huge maw and roared at me, so loud that the ropey saliva connecting his top jaw to his bottom vibrated like a vile guitar string.
He stomped one giant step forward, and I had to dart up and snag Baltu to keep the old snowbold from becoming grey paste on the floor.
“Huh huh huh.” The kohemoth was laughing. It was the unmistakable laugh of something that was very large and very stupid.
Bigger Boy swung one of his massive arms at me, his wicked claws extended out. But he telegraphed his movements so completely that it was really just a matter of taking a step to the left. The only thing that touched me was a bit of wind.
The kohemoth looked at me like I was a master martial artist, and he couldn’t believe I’d dodged his blow. Then he tried to take another step, but that was problematic because he barely fit in the throne room anymore.
I shook my head, and carried Baltu through a doorway, setting him down gently.
Bigger Boy managed to get himself turned around, and stomped towards our tunnel. In the process, he squished two of his former brethren. Un-phased, he knelt down and reached into our tunnel.
His massive taloned fingers were almost like tree trunks, except they were flexing and had huge fuck-off talons on them.
I snatched Baltu and dragged the little guy farther down the tunnel in a frenzied run, barely staying ahead of the claws. Finally, though, Bigger Boy’s shoulder got in the way, and he was at his limit.
Looking back at the arm, I shook my head, not believing what I was seeing. The kohemoth’s arms were long, but I hadn’t remembered them being quite so long.
I grabbed a small healing potion out of my pouch and poured some of it into Baltu’s mouth, hoping that healing potions were a universal thing. I’d be fucked if kobolds were somehow allergic to them.
He wasn’t. Baltu’s color returned immediately, though he remained on the ground, out. The potion didn’t seem to be a magical panacea for his lack of consciousness, but I wasn’t that worried about him. Unless you know, the kohemoth continued to grow.
Bigger Boy was letting everyone know how angry he was, and ear-splitting roars echoed from the throne-room.
Or big. He might’ve been saying he was big. Bigger Boy was definitely losing his grip on communication, because his roars weren’t registering as a new language. They were just expressions of anger and rage. Which, fine by me. I could do that too.
I roared down the hall.
Bigger Boy shut up. I saw a giant eye looking down the tunnel at me.
Quick as I could be, I had a spear out of my bag and flying through the air.
The kohemoth seemed to take a little longer registering what he was seeing, because he only managed to move fractions of an inch before the spear impacted. It went deep into the creature’s eye-socket, missing the eye by the smallest of margins.
I already had another spear out, and was sprinting down the tunnel. I came out of the tunnel, the spearhead entering the throne room first, aiming for a big ol’ fleshy thigh. Also important to note: as the kohemoth had grown, Bigger Boy had shred his clothes. There were no Incredible Hulk Incredible Shorts that morphed with the growth. While I was definitely intending to aim for the thigh, there was a, uh, much larger fleshy element dangling about. I shifted my aim just a little, and gave Bigger Boy an amateur and impromptu Prince Albert.
The Kohemoth let out a roar so much louder than I could have imagined. Then it went quiet as my eardrums burned out.
Bigger Boy twisted around quickly, his huge tail hitting me.
I flew.
My arms and legs pinwheeled as I tried to balance myself.
Oddly, I didn’t.
I just smashed into the wall about twelve feet up, and then dropped onto the ground.
It hurt.
That’s one of the downsides to massive strength — you’re still sometimes at the mercy of physics.
Kobold blood, or kohemoth blood, sprayed across the throne room as the big guy ripped the spear out of his, uh, spear. Then he threw the spear back at me. He was not used to his size yet, and so the spear didn’t really fly straight. In fact, it barely flew at all — it more just slammed into the wall above me.
I pushed off the floor, reached into my bag, and got out a big axe. Then I had to dive to the side as Bigger Boy’s hand slammed into the ground right where I’d been, sending nasty food remnants everywhere. I slid to my feet and got the axe up and chopping sideways, digging deeply into his Achilles’ heel. And just like poor Achilles, Bigger Boy’s was a weak spot. As soon as the axe bit in, the kohemoth dropped to a single knee.
I swung again, lodging the axe deep in the soft spot under his ribs. Immediately, the pressure inside shot outside, spraying me down with a foul mixture of internal liquids. Ropes of intestines came out, and, because the guy was so big, they started to fill the room.
Blinded by pain, and still not moving well, Bigger Boy swiped at me with his clawed hand, overreaching and overbalancing. He crashed to the floor, and a weak gurgle came from his giant lips.
I walked over to him and put my foot on his neck.
“The bigger they are,” I said.
And then, because I really don’t like clichés, I cut his head off. Cut makes it sound like it was easy. Like I just had a single swing and lopped the head off. And yet, that wasn’t exactly the case. The kohemoth had a massive neck full of muscle that seemed to be made of iron. But after I started, I couldn’t stop halfway, so I just hacked away at it until the spine gave up, and the head came off. The whole messy project just further drenched me in blood.
I needed to find a portable dry cleaner and just bring it with me wherever I went.
Chapter Seventeen
I
stood there over the headless kohemoth, and checked my notifications.
GG! You’ve killed a Kohemoth (lvl 1 Bruiser).
You’ve earned 900 XP! What a mighty hero you are.
At least ol’ Baltu had been right: the big kobolds were trying to turn into kohemoths. And at least one had managed it. Another might have been able to, except that Bigger Boy’s thrashing around the throne room had done a better job killing the kobolds than I ever could.
The floor was covered in a disgusting mix of organic materials — some liquid, some semi-liquid, but nothing fully solid remained. Kobold jam, I suppose. Or jelly. Always been a bit hazy on the distinction between the two.
I waited until my hearing came back, feeling a few ribs pop back into place while I stood there. When I could breathe normally again, I thought about picking up the spears, but one was really bent and the other was, well, gross. So, instead I walked down the hall, wiping the blood from my eyes and pointedly not thinking about the other bodily fluids that were probably covering my face.
I found Baltu leaning against the wall, eyes wide as he surveyed the grotesque pseudo-abattoir the throne room had inadvertently become.
“Just so we’re clear,” I said, “kohemoths are real.”
“He managed the evolution?” Baltu asked in an almost reverential tone.
“Yeah. For a bit. But it also dumped him back down to level one.”
“Fascinating.”
“Seems kind of problematic that way.”
“That he was starting at level one?”
“Yeah.”
“I counter it is quite the boon. Your early levels are when you see the greatest growth, fast. Going back to level one allows you to gain all those attribute points and put them to use in the manner that will best suit your new form.”