by Eric Ugland
By the portal, there was a horrific cracking and popping. I watched in horror as Usthol’s limbs lengthened out, the bones from his hands shooting forth and fusing, kind of like a bone blade. He was laughing maniacally, and his head rocked back as his mouth opened wider and wider, going almost perfectly flat across before stretching out and up to form a hideous jaw full of tiny sharp teeth. Almost like a beak. Then his tongue darted out, but it was no longer red and flat so much as grey and conical. Like a snake’s that came to a long point. His eyes rolled back in his head, then burst. Fluid dripped down his ruined face as new glowing orbs filled the old sockets. And those red eyes glommed onto me. He roared at me, flecks of drool coming out of his mouth and sizzling where they landed.
Then he charged.
Chapter Fifty-Nine
Behind him, more of the parasite assholes rushed through the portal, ready to come come at me as well.
Usthol brought his bladed former-hands down, and I brought my shield up to meet them. The bone-blades punched right through the steel of the shield, skimming either side of my arm. He picked me up like I was nothing and threw me right into the oncoming parasites.
I tumbled through the air, and saw Usthol going for Fritz. The poor guy was definitely outclassed, a giant fat goose in a confined space. He was going to be little more than down stuffing in a heartbeat.
One of the sakaak glaks grabbed me out of the air in a bear hug. Or a sakaak glak hug, I suppose. It tried to stop, but whatever shoes it was wearing were more suited to dry desert than slick cave, so its weird fucking feet went out from under, and we fell to the ground.
I got my arms up, and pushed. The joint that might have been where the elbow was on the sakaak glak snapped. With a hard twist, I ripped the forearm and claw free.
Sakaak Glak Arm
Item Type: Improvised
Item Class: Two-handed Melee, Three-handed Melee
Material: Sakaak Glak Flesh?
Damage: ???
Durability: ???
Weight: 10.2 lbs.
Requirements: None?
Description: An arm torn asunder, from a creature unbeknownst to this world.
I rolled out of his grip and jammed the ragged broken end of the arm into the creature’s circular mouth, continuing to push past the point of resistance until there was a kersplooge of brownish sludgeblood. I got up and pulled the ruined shield off my arm, using it to beat away the next oncoming creature. Then something wet hit my side. I looked down to see a goose face staring at me. Dead.
There was a baleful cry from Usthol, or the thing that had been Usthol, as he literally tore Fritz apart. I sprinted, jumped, and reached out for Fritz’s body, hollering out:
“Absorb!”
One second, Fritz was there. The next he was gone.
Ability Gained: Multiple Minds.
You are unable to experience insanity, confusion, or any other altered-mind states.
My cheek hit the ground with a wet smack. It didn’t seem like a super useful ability, but the absorption was more to get Fritz out of a painful situation than give me a leg up.
Usthol screamed something at me. Everywhere his spittle landed burned.
There was a warmth rolling inside me. I saw Bear standing behind Skeld, casting a spell.
Haste.
I spun my legs around, thinking I’d trip Usthol up. But my legs just hit his and stopped.
He laughed at me, and picked a foot up. He had, like, biological cleats on. Bone spikes poked out from his feet. Then he brought his spiked foot down, and I barely rolled out of the way, feeling the spikes denting and tearing the armor plate on my back.
I rolled a second time, trying to get enough space from Usthol to get to my feet. While I rolled, though, there was a sucking liquid noise, a bit like fibers being torn from celery. As I looked up, a tentacle lashed out — not at me, but at Skeld.
Skeld had his spear up, but the brand new disgustingly viscous tentacle, with strands of goo still hanging on, wrapped tight around him.
“He will do,” Usthol irked out. He launched Skeld over me, throwing the lutra the length of the cavern, straight through the fucking portal.
“Fucking hell of a shot,” I said, unable to help myself. Credit where credit is due, even if it’s an evil mass-murdering cannibalistic baby-killing fuckhead.
But while I’d been willing to say something nice to Usthol, he just continued on his rampage, slashing at Bear, who ducked down, then disappeared from view.
Usthol screamed.
Meikeljan was on his knees, muttering. Was he praying?
My skin erupted in flames. But white flames that didn’t hurt me. The flames ran down my arm and became a semi-solid sword.
Spiritual Sword of Eona
Item Type: God-tier
Item Class: One-handed Melee
Material: Celestial Energy
Damage: 100-200 (Slashing), Quadruple dmg to Corrupted Creatures and enemies of Eona
Durability: n/a
Weight: n/a
Requirements: Eona’s Blessing
Description: A straight bladed sword having a cruciform hilt with a grip for one handed use, it is made out of the energy of the goddess herself. It will only exist within this plane of existence for a very limited time.
Meikeljan was smiling at me, happy because his goddess had come back to him. His smile didn’t even leave his face when the bone blade slammed into him. Instead, the little guy grabbed the bone and pulled it down, driving it into the rock.
Usthol roared, and tried to break free, but the holy magic of Eona was holding him fast.
I reared back and brought the holy sword around in a great arc. It cut right through the thing that had been Usthol. The upper half of his torso slid off the lower, hitting the ground with a wet plop.
“Good job,” I said softly to Meikeljan. The mystical sword winked out of existence.
“You are not done yet,” Meikeljan said, his voice giving out and the light going out of his eyes.
“Shit,” I said, and I spun around to look at the cavern.
It was empty. The portal was still open in the wall, but everyone was gone. I couldn’t see Skeld on the other side. And as I watched the portal, I could see that it was closing ever so slowly.
“Bear!” I shouted. “Still alive?”
The brownie popped into view in front of me.
“Skeld,” she said.
“Yeah, I know. Can you keep that portal open?”
“I, uh,” she said, and she looked at the portal then ran over to it.
I ripped the axe out of a corpse, then walked down and grabbed the sword off the floor near the portal.
“Give me some good news, Bear,” I said.
“I can keep it open,” she said, “but not for long. It’s going to drain my magic faster than I can regenerate.”
“I thought your mana didn’t drain?”
“Of course it drains. I have a finite use, I just regenerate it internally. I don’t really pull mana in from the air and whatnot of Vuldranni.”
“So you always have mana wherever you go?”
“Basically yes. But I still have an upper limit and I can run out.”
“How long until you run out?”
“Minutes. Maybe.”
“Well,” I said, “you know how to get back to Coggeshall?”
“No.”
“If I can’t get back in time, I will find you.”
She reached her hands out, and a blue tendril of light and magic extended out from her to the portal.
“Just hurry,” she said.
I leapt through the portal.
Chapter Sixty
Immediately, I was struck by the insane dryness of the plane. It was the most arid environment I’d ever come to, and thankfully I had come prepared. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the flask. And by flask, I meant bottle, because I’d mistakenly put the magic bottle of stuff in my pocket. Which meant my awesome flask of root beer was somewhere in the unfillable knaps
ack on Skeld’s back.
Nothing was in this world. It was empty.
At least it was until I turned around.
It was like an organic mountain. The thing was huge, massive beyond comprehension. Thousands of feet high, maybe thousands wide. And it was made of things unknown, all piled high on top of itself like a fucked-up sundae. I could see tentacles, and quite a few mouths. More eyes than I could count. Just too many details to focus on.
But one thing that did catch my eye? There were creatures crawling on it. And in it. Flying around. Straight up living on the thing.
I just stood there, trying to figure out what I was looking at. Then I saw Skeld being carried up the mountain of whatever it was by two of the sakaak glaks. I charged after them.
My first step on the mountain of flesh was soft, pliant. For the first time in a very long time, I tripped. One of the coils of whatever moved as my face hit the skin. I rolled off and, despite trying to catch myself, I hit the ground with a puff of dust.
I hopped to my feet, and was about to plunge the axe into coils of flesh making up the monster mountain when I heard the telltale footsteps of someone charging at me.
Multiple sakaak glaks headed towards me, running as fast as they could. Their bizarre ululating cries felt like they were assaulting me.
I charged at the nearest one, and it faltered.
These were not warriors. From the sense of it, they must have been priests tending their god. Who I guessed was the thing behind me, trying to eat Skeld.
I swung the axe, left to right, and lopped the thing’s head off. Its mouth kept moving as it rolled through the dirt.
Spinning on my feet, I brought the axe up from down low and took a big chunk of the leg off another. Then I shot the butt of the axe handle out to clock another in the temple, or at least where the temple would be on a normal skull, causing a spray of brownish sludgeblood to come out its crushed cranium. Then I cut through another. And another. And another.
Two things were immediately clear. First, I was getting no notifications from these. Nothing. Which meant I was assuming no XP either. Second, every sakaak glak I struck down was replaced by two more, and more were coming. But they didn’t have a chance of getting to me — my unlimited stamina still seemed to be in play and my fighting lessons with Carpophorus had served me well. I was cleaving through the bastards. They had no weapons, no armor, and no fighting ability beyond the plan to run and scream and try to grab me.
I gave one a good shove, which caused the sakaak glaks to fall en masse. Then I turned and burned up the coiled tentacles behind me. They were starting to stir, moving a little like something might be waking up. Above, about two hundred feet or so, Skeld was struggling while two of the sakaak glaks carried him. There was no way to reach him.
But while I stood there, listening to the sakaak glaks behind me hiss and get to their feet while more raced my way, I figured out how to best get rid of parasites. I grabbed the bottle from my pocket and gave it a quick look.
There was nothing that popped up in my view — no pleasant, easy game reading. But there was a label on it, and I peered at it, just trying to make sure it said what I remembered.
Doctor Béchamp’s Cleanse All Disinfectant and Floor Cleaner. When sullied by unpleasantness, douse self, or other, or anything really, in Doctor Béchamp’s Cleanse All Disinfectant and Floor Cleaner. Sure to clean any curse, hex, evil eye, eldritch infestation, viral infection, parasite, embarrassing rash, violent or violet fungus or any other affliction of the negative or positive kind. Whatever you have, it will be gone. Single use. Do not use Doctor Béchamp’s Cleanse All Disinfectant and Floor Cleaner with alcohol or healing potions. Do not operate heavy machinery after use. Or heavy-bladed weaponry. Do not use on summoned creatures, imps, devils, demons, extra-planar entities, celestials, fiends, familiars, or Darby O’Gill. In rare cases, side effects may occur, including but not limited to: headaches, body aches, imaginary aches, unreal aches, obsessive truth telling, explosive diarrhea, loss of the ability to see the color puce, hair loss, hair growth, incorporeality, aura discharge, and mild stomach upset. In some rare cases damnation and eternal suffering may occur. Please discuss with your doctor, sage, witch, witchdoctor, haruspex, or personal hag before use. Use at your own risk.
Didn’t say a damn thing about needing to drink it to work — you just needed to pour on the poor infested sod. I pulled the cork with my teeth, and poured Doctor Béchamp’s Cleanse All Disinfectant and Floor Cleaner over all the skin around me.
Nothing happened.
And because I wasn’t paying attention, one of the sakaak glaks grabbed my foot and gave it a hard yank, ripping me off their god.
I slammed into the ground. Or, more embarrassingly, the sakaak glak slammed me into the ground. Then the mob of asshole parasites started wailing on me with their fists, and stomping on me with their feet. I lost my grip on the axe, and curled up to try and protect myself.
In the midst of willing myself to action, and trying to ignore the increasing pain, I heard a great whooshing noise. All the beating on me stopped as all the parasites turned in the direction of the portal, where the whooshing came from. A beautiful iridescent and luminescent tendril of light and energy spiraled out of the portal, soaring up high into the sky before splashing down on the god-beast-monster-mountain thing.
There were loud screeches, screams, and other horrible noises as the light poured forth, tumbling down the flesh mountain.
Everywhere the light touched, things disappeared. Whether they died or just straight-up vanished? It was hard to tell what exactly was happening. I had an idea, though. Given that most of my abilities weren’t working, I was willing to bet magic wasn’t a thing in this universe. But there was still a connection to the other place where magic was, so when the potion was used, the magic needed to make the potion work came in through the portal. It just happened to be a beautiful display. And was doing what it said on the label.
Since assholes around me were distracted, I stood up and unsheathed my sword in one motion. I kept the momentum going and decapitated the asshole to my left, then snicker-snacked that blade right around and eviscerated the asshole to my right. I moved the blade faster than I’ve ever moved any weapon, dancing my way free of the mob until I was standing on the coils of the god-thing again, already trying to get up to Skeld.
But Skeld wasn’t going up the mountain of flesh any longer. He was falling down it. Rather quickly. His captors had poofed off along with the rest.
As the liquid-looking colorful light/energy rushed down the mountain in a wave, it washed away all the sakaak glaks. All the parasites. It poured off the mountain, and washed over the mob below.
After a minute, it was just me, the falling Skeld, and the elder god. All alone together in this otherwise dead world. And the magic that had washed over the god-beast had definitely done a good deal of waking the dude up. He was moving.
Chapter Sixty-One
I ran for Skeld. Not up, not this time — I had to move horizontally along the flesh-mountain, trying to grab the bastard before he crashed down. And as I ran, I realized something really fucking unpleasant: My wounds weren’t healing. The adrenaline of the magic coming through the portal and doing what it did to the parasites was wearing off, and the pain of having the shit kicked out of me by a bunch of sakaak glak parasite motherfuckers was blossoming in horrible waves over my body. Most of my teeth were measurably loose, and I accidentally choked down a few while running. My ankle wasn’t holding my body up correctly, and I had some really terrible bruising, like, everywhere.
But still, I ran. I had to. He was my friend. And he had all my stuff. But it was mainly the him being my friend thing. I didn’t have too many of those, and this otter-looking guy was one of my oldest.
I laid out, diving, and miscalculated only ever so slightly. I did not catch Skeld.
However, I did offer him the soft landing pad of my body. He bounced off my torso, which hurt impressively, and cau
sed me to cough up no small amount of blood. Then he slid to a stop in the silt of the dead world’s ground.
“Skeld,” I said, wincing because it hurt to talk. “You okay?”
“No,” he grumbled back. But he rolled over and started to get to his feet. His leg wasn’t willing to support him. He fell back down.
I shook my head, slowly got to my knees, and cradled the lutra in my arms. I did not get up quickly, but I did get up. And I did walk, albeit with a limp, towards the portal.
Behind me, the flesh mountain of the elder god was moving, coming to life for real.
I walked as fast as I could on what felt like a dislocated hip and maybe a dislocated ankle. The portal was in front of us, though it was facing the other way. I got to the edge, and I saw that it was much smaller than it had been. No longer the massive twenty foot circle, it was now barely four feet around.
“Skeld,” I said, “I know I promised I wouldn’t throw you—“
“Wha—“ he started to say.
I threw him through the portal.
There was a slight flash of light as he passed over the threshold between worlds.
“Montana,“ Bear cried out, “I can’t hold—“
Ignoring all the pain, I took a big step and dove at the portal.
Chapter Sixty-Two
I did not land on the wet floor of the cavern.
I did land in the dry silt of the dead world.
And it did hurt.
I lay there, bleeding. I worked up the energy to roll over, and looked up into the pale sky. It was an odd sight, just so devoid of, well, everything. The air tasted flat. I wished I’d thought to grab the root beer flask from Skeld before I threw him back into our world. I was thirsty as fuck.
Slowly, I got to my feet, and started taking off my dented armor. There wasn’t much point in it now, seeing as there were only two beings present in this reality. Me and an elder god. I didn’t pretend a bit of magic armor would to do much to stop him if he decided he wanted to kill me. I still hadn’t turned around to see what the thing was doing. I was operating under that most vaunted principle: if I ignore it, it will go away.