Greatest Zombie Movie Ever
Page 12
“I’m not doing it,” said Justin.
“Fine.” Alicia pointed to Bobby. “You’re fired.”
“No, you’re not,” Justin told Bobby. “That doesn’t count.”
“Yes, it does,” said Alicia. “Pack up your gear and leave.”
Bobby looked unsure of what to do.
“Look, I understand that we’ve had a very intense few minutes,” said Justin. “But nobody is fired. We can work this out between us. Bobby, you’re sorry for what you did, right?”
Bobby nodded. “Very much so.”
“Veronica Chaos, if Bobby has admitted that he was wrong and promises never to do it again, isn’t that enough?”
“No, I want him fired. Or blood. One of the two.”
“You can’t have either. We are all sympathetic to how you’re feeling. If I got my eyebrow pierced, which I never would, but if I did and it got all red and yellow and swollen, the last thing I would want is for something to smack into it. We understand your thirst for vengeance. But without a sound guy, we don’t have a movie, and without a movie, your excruciating agony was for nothing.”
“You don’t have a movie without a star either,” Alicia pointed out.
Daisy raised her hand. “I’ll play Veronica Chaos if she doesn’t want to.”
“Traitor!”
“Everybody, please calm down,” said Justin.
“No, no, everybody go nuts,” said Spork, moving the camera between Alicia and Daisy. “I’m getting great footage.”
“Spork, stop trying to manipulate reality,” said Christopher. “We discussed this before we got here.”
“We’re all a team,” said Justin. “It’s fine if we’re dysfunctional. That’s what moviemaking is all about. But we have to stick together. Veronica Chaos, you’re the perfect Veronica Chaos. Bobby, you’re the perfect sound guy…despite the evidence we’ve seen today. We have to think about what’s best for the movie, and losing either one of you is bad for the movie. I know that with the passion that’s burning deep in our hearts, we can put this behind us.”
“Fire him,” said Alicia.
“No,” said Justin.
“All right. But if anything like that happens again, I will end him. I mean it. He’ll be nothing but microscopic traces in the city’s water supply.”
“Noted,” said Bobby.
Justin considered asking the two of them to shake hands, but he was worried that Alicia might crush the bones in Bobby’s fingers. Still, nobody had quit or been fired, so Justin was going to consider this a victory.
“Everybody take a five-minute cookie break,” he said. “Gabe and I will set up the next shot.”
While Bobby, Alicia, Christopher, Spork, and Daisy walked over to the picnic table, a minivan pulled up next to Daisy’s car. The doors opened, and several screaming children got out followed by a man and woman. The children immediately began to run around the park, yelling and laughing rather than creating a background that was consistent with a postapocalyptic wasteland.
“Hi,” Justin said as he walked over to the adults. “I’m Justin Hollow, and I’m making a feature film.”
“Oh, how exciting,” said the woman.
“So we need the park.”
“All to yourself?”
“If that’s all right, yes.”
“We’re having Hugo’s birthday party here. Surely you didn’t think that this park would be empty all day?”
“No, not all day, just for the morning. That’s why we got here so early.”
“Oh, well, Hugo wanted to start his birthday party as soon as possible. My little sweetheart gets so hyper sometimes. Here, Hugo, have some taffy.”
Justin noticed that the children were helping themselves to the cookies. “Hey,” he called out. “Those are for cast and crew only.” The children, hearing his message, limited themselves to four each.
“Isn’t there another park where you could shoot your little movie?” asked the woman.
“Well, we’ve already done a couple of scenes here, so if we move, our footage won’t match. And we were here first.”
Hugo, who was very wide, held out his hand. The woman put a candy bar in it. The cast and crew returned with their cookies.
“What kind of movie is it?” asked the woman.
Justin quickly tried to think of an answer that was not “a zombie movie.”
“A zombie movie,” said Christopher.
The woman scowled. “You should spend a little less time thinking about zombies and a little more time thinking about the Lord.”
“Zombies don’t exist,” said the man. “Why don’t you make a war movie?”
“We’re not trying to ruin anybody’s birthday,” Justin insisted. “All we need to do is get a few more scenes done, and we’ll be out of your way.”
“Zombies,” the woman muttered. “You should all be ashamed of yourselves. It’s not natural for kids to be into all of that blood and slime. When I was your age, I liked dolls and math.”
“Why don’t you make a comedy?” suggested the man. “You could film a kid falling off the teeter-totter.”
“Zombies are not appropriate subject matter for your age-group,” the woman informed Justin. “Do your parents know?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Do they approve?”
“They know.”
“I will not be moving Hugo’s birthday party so you cultists can play zombie games.” She gave Hugo a handful of gumdrops. “Disgraceful and disgusting.”
“Good makeup effects though,” said the man, gesturing to Alicia’s forehead. “I’ll give them that.”
“That’s not makeup,” said Alicia. “It’s the snakes in my head trying to get out. If you hold your hand there long enough, you might feel a fang.”
“In my day, kids were not smart-alecky to adults,” said the woman. “And we didn’t do that to our hair.”
“This isn’t dye. Don’t drink the water, or the same thing could happen to you.”
The woman handed Hugo a pretzel stick, which he tossed onto the ground. “I think we’re done talking to you. We can share the park.”
“You should make a movie about cats,” said the man.
Another car pulled up next to the minivan. The children squealed with excitement.
“The clown is here! The clown is here!”
16
“Hi, everybody!” the clown said as he got out of the car. “I’m Stinky the Clown!” He honked a bicycle horn and waved to the children. He walked over to the gathering, moving slowly because of his cartoonishly oversized shiny red shoes.
“Is it safe to drive when you’re wearing those?” Gabe asked.
“The judge says yes.”
“Don’t talk to our clown,” said the woman.
While the children gathered around Stinky, Justin waved for everybody on his crew to join him. “This is not an ideal situation,” he admitted. “But we’re just going to have to work through it. Pretend they’re not there.”
“I’m going to have trouble ignoring Stinky,” said Daisy. “What kind of clown wears pastel? His colors are all muted when they should be vibrant.”
“These scenes are where most of the character development happens,” said Justin. “So I need everybody to bring their A-game, even with the distractions. If the audience doesn’t get to know Veronica Chaos and Runson Mudd as human beings, they won’t care when they throw a zombie into an electrified Jacuzzi.”
“We couldn’t get the Jacuzzi,” said Gabe.
“Okay, they won’t care when they shove a zombie’s head into a microwave.”
“I thought we decided that the zombie-head-in-a-microwave bit interrupted the flow of the scene.”
“Okay, they won’t care when they express emotion.”
“I’m ready,”
said Christopher. “No clown is going to keep me from connecting with the audience.”
“Then let’s do it!”
• • •
“My name is Veronica Chaos,” said Alicia.
“I’m Runson Mudd,” said Christopher, reaching out his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“Cut!” said Justin. “A kid ran into the shot.”
• • •
“My name is Veronica Chaos,” said Alicia.
“I’m Runson Mudd,” said Christopher, reaching out his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“Cut!” said Justin. “Another kid ran into the shot.”
• • •
“My name is Veronica Chaos,” said Alicia.
“I’m Runson Mudd,” said Christopher, reaching out his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“Cut!” said Justin. “Hugo! Can’t you play someplace else?”
Hugo bit the ear off his chocolate bunny. “It’s my birthday. Happy birthday to me!”
• • •
“My name is Veronica Chaos,” said Alicia.
“I’m Runson Mudd,” said Christopher, reaching out his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“Hi, I’m Stinky the Clown!” said Stinky the Clown, leaning into the shot and waving to the camera.
“Cut!” said Justin. “Stinky! C’mon, dude, that wasn’t cool.”
“I smell like dead fish! Wawawawawa!”
• • •
“My name is Veronica Chaos,” said Alicia.
“I’m Runson Mudd,” said Christopher, reaching out his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
Stinky the Clown did a cartwheel in the background. The children chased after him, giggling.
“Seriously, Stinky! Knock it off!” Justin threw half of a cookie at the clown.
“I’m Stinky the Clown! Gabagabagabagaba! I have a pet turtle named Barf! Woowoowoowoowoo! I can eat three hundred pistachios in a weekend! Durdurdurdurdurdur!”
“We have to do something about that clown,” said Gabe. “Thirty-eight takes is too many.”
Justin walked over to where Hugo’s parents sat, carefully pouring sugar into pieces of licorice. “What’s it going to take for you to call off the clown sabotage?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said the woman.
“The sooner we get our shots done, the sooner we leave. By messing things up for us, you’re just keeping us around longer.”
“Clowns exist to bring happiness to the world. Clowns put smiles on the faces of children. Zombies put frowns on their faces. I don’t know about you, but when I look out at the world, I’d rather see smiles than frowns.”
“Please make Stinky stop.”
“I’m Stinky the Clown!” Stinky announced. “I smell like tapioca pudding you forgot to eat! Zuhzuhzuhzuhzuh! Thubthubthubthub! Gurkle gurkle gonkle gonkle blerp.”
“Stinky was hired to entertain these children,” said the woman. “If that inconveniences you, that’s not our problem.”
“I’m Stinky the Clown! The dentist says I don’t floss enough! Hargahargahargaharga bock wonk!”
“You have the power to make him stop,” said Justin. “Show some compassion.”
“Maybe you should show some compassion to Stinky. He’s had a rough go of it these past few years.”
“I’m Stinky the Clown! Soap is for the weak! Fa fa durken wa!” Stinky honked his bicycle horn and then broke a bottle over his own head.
“If you call off the clown, I’ll give you twenty bucks.”
“Done,” said the woman.
“Really?”
“All we wanted was a simple bribe. Can’t you read between the lines?” The woman stood up. “Stinky! You’re done for the day. Get back in your cage!”
Stinky hung his head and sadly walked back to his car.
“What’s the deal with that?” Justin asked. “Does he think his car is a cage? Is he driving back to a cage? What?”
“Are you here to make a movie, or are you here to ask questions about the clown’s backstory?”
“Some things you’re better off not knowing,” said the man. “Some knowledge leaves you forever haunted.”
“My imagination is going to come up with something much worse for Stinky than whatever the truth is,” said Justin.
“No,” said the man. “No, it is not.”
Justin took out his wallet and handed the woman a twenty-dollar bill. “Thanks for your cooperation.”
• • •
“My name is Veronica Chaos,” said Alicia.
“I’m Runson Mudd,” said Christopher. “Nice to meet you.”
“Cut!” said Justin. “You forgot to put out your hand.”
• • •
“My name is Veronica Chaos,” said Alicia.
“I’m Runson Mudd,” said Christopher, reaching out his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
Alicia shook his hand.
“Cut!” said Justin.
Alicia sighed. “What was wrong this time?”
“Nothing. That’s where we were supposed to cut. On to the next scene!”
• • •
For two people who’d never acted in a movie before, Alicia and Christopher were delivering fantastic performances. They were both naturals. No matter what the reviewers might say about his movie (“This movie sucks!”), he didn’t see how anybody could criticize their acting.
Justin could not be more pleased.
If he had one tiny little minor detail that he wished he could tweak, it was that they were a tiny little wee bit too convincing about falling in love. He didn’t like the way that Veronica Chaos and Runson Mudd looked at each other like they were thinking, Oh yeah, baby, you’re so awesome, and stuff.
As the director, he knew it would be unprofessional and detrimental to the film to try to make suggestions to fine-tune the lovey looks out of their performances. As a guy who still had a crush on Alicia despite today’s discovery that she was crazy, he kind of wanted their onscreen romance to seem less believable.
If he said, “Hey, could you try not to look so much like you’re falling in love?” Gabe would call him out on it. He had to think of the movie. The movie came first. If Alicia and Christopher got so immersed in their roles that they just threw their arms around each other and went into a frenzy of noisy smooching, Justin would not try to pry them apart with a crowbar. It was all about the movie. Nothing else mattered.
While they were setting up the next shot, Gabe glanced around to make sure that nobody was too close and whispered, “What would you think if I asked out Daisy?”
“Huh?”
“Daisy. The girl who’s doing the clapboard.”
“I know who you mean. You like her?”
“Did you see the way she claps the clapboard? She’s amazing.”
“Until the movie is finished, your relationship needs to stay strictly business. I can’t have you complicating things right now. When the movie is done, then you can ask her out.”
“When the movie is done, I’m going to Indiana.”
“She’ll still be here when you get back.”
“Is it because you want to ask her out yourself?”
“No!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Why would I do something like that?”
“You saw her use the clapboard too.”
“I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean. Look, Gabe, I’m not trying to horn in on your action. But as you may have noticed, we’re having challenges this morning, and what if she laughs in your face? It will be awkward for everyone.”
“I suppose you think she’ll laugh in my face but not in yours? What makes your face so great? Huh, Justin? What makes your face so great?”
“You’re acting wacky,�
� Justin noted.
“I’m acting wacky because I’ve suddenly discovered my inner courage and you’re trying to shut me down.”
“Oh. Wow. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize this was an inner courage conversation.” Justin patted his friend on the shoulder. “If you want to ask her out, you go right ahead. Just do it quickly because we’re really behind schedule.”
Gabe nodded and then walked to the other side of the park to talk to Daisy. They spoke for a moment, and then Gabe returned to Justin, looking disheartened.
“She only dates directors.”
“Oh.”
“So I guess it’s safe to make your move.”
“I’m not making any move.”
“You might as well.”
“I have no interest in Daisy.”
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“I don’t!”
“I saw the way you were looking at her.”
“How? With my retinas? How else am I supposed to look at her? Did you forget how I feel about you-know-who?”
Gabe glanced over at Alicia. “Still?”
“Yes!”
“Seriously?”
“Yes!”
“She’s kind of a nutcase.”
“I know. I don’t care.”
“You should probably care a little. It’s useful information.”
“It doesn’t matter right now because unlike one of us, I’m here to make a movie, not a baby.”
“You’re right. You’re right,” said Gabe. “I apologize. I don’t know what came over me. I think it’s just because normally in this situation I’d be cowardly, so when I realized that I had the potential to not be a total wuss, I felt like I should act upon it.”
“Totally understandable.”
“Did Spork get the whole thing on video?”
“Of course.”
“Oh well. I’ll laugh about it when I’m ninety and dead.”
17
“Should I text the actors for this afternoon and postpone their call time?” Gabe asked Justin.
“How far behind are we?”
“Three hours.”