“Will you be back tomorrow to visit?” Abigail asked suddenly and Marigold flushed, looking down at her bowl, unsure how to answer because they hadn’t really talked much yet. It was awkward silences punctuated by passionate kisses… they hadn’t discussed anything at all.
“I hope so,” Ben admitted, reaching over and grasping her hand. Marigold looked up at him, seeing the tender glance deep in his eyes and smiled, nodding.
“Perfect. I bought an ornamental tree for the yard and Ben promised to plant it for us before he has to fly back out again.”
The simple sentence was a painful reminder that their fragile relationship would be coming to an abrupt halt, or at least an extended pause, once again. As Ben pulled his hand away, Marigold fought the urge to reach for him.
As quick as he’d given in to the feelings growing between them, he was receding like the tide. This time it hurt more than she could have ever anticipated. The gulf between them might have only been two feet, but it felt as wide as the Grand Canyon and she understood why.
She was here… and he was going to be on the other side of the world.
Chapter 13
Ben returned her to her vehicle that was waiting in the hospital parking lot. It was awkward to see them both unsure of what to do next. He finally kissed her on the cheek and she let out a heavy sigh. Maybe she should thank her lucky stars cause it could have been like Alaska: he could have left without kissing her.
Ever since his mother, Abigail, had brought up his returning to Afghanistan, it was like having cold water dashed on them both. Marigold had already known he was going to have to leave at some point, but the dreamer in her wished for another heated kiss like before in the bathroom, the happily ever after from fairytales, some grand declaration that he would never leave and everything was beautiful between them.
Obviously no declarations were forthcoming.
No kiss… and no fairytale.
She had always struggled with putting herself out there to meet someone only to get hurt – and it was as if Ben was fighting the same conflict internally. Taking up the challenge from Lily had been like jumping over a cliff. Scary, thrilling, and a chance to grow.
When Ben walked her to her car and started to turn away, she saw him hesitate before he returned to stand before her. He leaned in towards her and she closed her eyes in anticipation… only to feel his lips on her cheek.
His lips seemed to linger on her cheek and she could have sworn he was going to say something, but before she could question him, he stepped back. As Ben walked away in the quiet parking lot, he glanced back at her.
“Would you like to have dinner tomorrow?” Ben asked quietly, “just us? I thought maybe we could go on a real date before I have to fly out again. I’d like us to spend some quality time together.”
“I’d love that,” Marigold admitted.
“Maybe you could show me your roses and we could talk some more, without everyone trying to help us along with our relationship.”
Marigold caught her breath at his words. Her surprised eyes met his under the tall lamp that illuminated the parking lot around them. His words made her feel a surge of hope; yet in her mind, she kept wondering if she was reading too much into all of this.
How could he pull back so easily and keep such a distance after actually giving in to the emotion? She’d seen that sweet man that he kept hidden deep down inside, the man that held her so tenderly, making her yearn for more. She wanted that loving man to step forward and be with her.
“Are we even in one?” she questioned softly, unable to help herself.
“Most definitely,” Ben affirmed with a quick nod, standing tall and proud before her. “That’s why I think we need time alone so we can talk and get to know each other a little more. This is beautiful, you are beautiful,” he corrected. “Our relationship feels like it’s difficult sometimes, but only because it feels so real, so intense between us. Be patient with me, Marigold. Don’t ever give up on us. I certainly won’t.”
“The best things are worth waiting for,” she agreed, feeling her heart melt at his words that she realized were straight from his heart. He stood there looking so alone, yet smiling at her.
“I’m really happy to have met you. I’ll see you soon.”
“It’s the same for me, Ben. Goodnight.”
“Have a good night, Marigold.”
Marigold was casually sipping on her coffee out back on the patio when she heard a car pull up in her driveway, located on the far-left side of the house, separating her from her neighbor. The right side of her house was the acreage that she’d gotten fenced long ago, the land Nana had once owned before passing it to her. It was early in the day and she was lounging around, taking her time getting ready. Today was supposed to be warm and beautiful, ending in showers later.
The warm breeze ruffled her large foam rollers she had in her hair, drying. She remembered as a girl, Nana would always curl her hair when she got upset or missed her parents. It had been hard growing up with her parents always gone all the time for work.
Nana had been the most stable thing in her life and when her parents divorced, she opted to stay living there with her grandmother. There was barely a relationship with her parents anymore, having not heard from them in years… which was why she treasured how much Ben’s own parents indulged him.
Instead of feeling envious, she felt accepted. They’d welcomed her with open arms, reminding her of her Nana. It was a heady thought to see that love between them all and giving a glimpse at being a part of it.
Perhaps it was just the mail running? she mused, taking another sip of her coffee and watching the blooms sway on the top-heavy limbs of the bushes.
It was a little early for that, she hesitated and heard the engine turn off. That was not the mailman! Glancing out the front window, Marigold saw the ugly minivan that Ben had admitted borrowing from his father.
A knock at the door sent her flying into action.
“Just a minute!” she hollered, yanking the curlers from her hair as quickly as possible, wincing at the pulled hair and tangles, before tossing them into the tote. Some of the yellow ringlets were dry while others were obviously still on the damp side. Running a brush through her hair, she muffled a yelp at the snarls that caught in her hairbrush. She glanced in the mirror and rolled her eyes at her appearance. Her shoulders dropped in defeat.
This would just have to do.
Her hair wasn’t the best and she hadn’t yet put on any makeup at all. She’d planned this curly updo to knock Ben’s socks off, but he would have to settle for ‘slightly wavy and disheveled Marigold’ instead. Walking over to the front door, she opened it and smiled bravely. Ben was standing there with two cups of coffee in paper cups with an envelope tucked between them.
“I thought you might have called,” she chastised politely, waving for him to come in. He looked so handsome in his polo shirt and slacks. She adored how he always tried to look his best around her. She was feeling at her worst right about now. The only thing that would have topped it would be if she was still in her flannel pajamas.
“I don’t have a cell phone,” he admitted. “We’ve never bothered with them overseas because you are arguing with fifty other guys for the charging ports. I only know of a couple of guys with electronics ‘cause it’s such a pain to keep them charged.”
“I never thought of that,” she mused. Ben handed her a cup of coffee and then the envelope.
“What’s this?”
“A secret. You can’t say a word to anyone or I’ll be in serious trouble.”
“Then I don’t want to know what’s inside,” Marigold sputtered, quickly handing him back the envelope. He nodded, looked away, and folded it, tucking the envelope into his pocket.
“I hope you aren’t offended?” she asked, feeling a little guilty at the unreadable expression on his face. Had she hurt his feelings?
“I’m not,” he admitted quickly, looking around. “I should have asked, instead o
f just dumping something like that on you. Show me around and let’s spend the day just getting to know each other a little better.”
“I’d like that,” she smiled up at him and extended her empty hand towards him. He clasped it in his, following along behind her as she showed him the tiny house that seemed untouched over the years.
It was dated, quaint, but the retro look was back in fashion, so the pink tile in the kitchen was now in style once again. A few updates had made it a little more modern, but overall it still was charming. The house was barely 1000 square feet and while it felt large to her, with Ben there in the living room, it felt quite a bit smaller now.
Walking out to the covered patio, she smiled softly at him as his eyes gazed over the field before them for the first time. She saw the surprise and awe in his rapt expression, feeling a surge of pride in all her hard work. Rows and rows of roses were in full bloom, causing a heavy perfume in the air as fat bumblebees danced from flower to flower. The greenhouse was off in the distance, with several barrels of rainwater collection points outside of it and lining her home.
A large oak tree was pushing up from the ground with one of its large roots causing the privacy fence to move against it, creating a bend in the linear appeal of it. Some might think that it was damaging the fence, but to Marigold it was like a ribbon having a curl to it, beautiful in its own raw way.
“This is incredible,” he breathed in surprise.
“Let me show you some of my favorites,” she nodded happily, “bring your coffee and let’s walk the garden. It’s one of my most treasured moments every day. I like to do it first thing in the morning when it’s still foggy out or late in the evening, imagining I’m in some fantasy world.”
“I could see why,” Ben admitted. “It’s like you are in your own little paradise.”
“Exactly. This is my realm and I feel like a sprite or pixie among the rosebuds. The flowers are a way to provide and give me a freedom I’ve only now begun to appreciate. This is my store’s inventory sprawled out before you, each bush precious because it provides for me.”
“Some of them are exquisite. What’s your favorite color? Do you have a favorite one?”
“I’m partial to the deep red ones,” she confessed, feeling her cheeks heat. Red roses were the ultimate symbolism of love and she’d always dreamed as a young girl of carrying them someday down the aisle to the man of her dreams.
“This one is called Joseph’s Coat and I love the wild ruddy hues mixed with other colors. The scent is breathtaking and I usually keep a few in my house to scent the air.”
“I kept your perfumed letter under my pillow because I could smell it,” he whispered, looking away. Marigold couldn’t help the burst of joy at his admission. He looked so painfully shy and torn at saying it aloud.
“I’m glad,” she replied quietly. “What about you? Do you have a favorite color? Does something catch your eye?”
Ben looked at her and she hesitated at the raw despair in his gaze. There was something that haunted him and it made her heart ache to see such pain in his eyes. He shook his head and looked away.
“Ben?”
“They are all pretty,” he said evasively, looking intently away from her. Marigold wouldn’t have it. She wasn’t a yo-yo to be toyed with, loved and then pushed away. She stepped directly in front of him, meeting his eyes.
“Don’t pull back from me again… talk to me.”
“It’s nothing.”
“I can see there is something bothering you when you let down your guard around me,” she said evenly, trying to get him to stay with her mentally for the moment.
“This was a mistake. I’ll go.”
“Why?”
“Why do you think?” he said quickly, surprising her at the tone in his voice. He’d never talked to her like that before and whatever it was, it was really eating at him. Maybe she was imagining all of this between them and she’d been correct all along. Were his words in the parking lot of the hospital a lie?
“Am I reading things wrong between us, Ben?”
She hated the pained, broken edge to her voice, but she was losing him again and it hurt. If he was going to leave her like this, turn off his emotions, and distance himself all the time… she wasn’t sure she could continue to put herself out there for him to decide to try once again. Tears burned at her eyes as she stared at him, feeling angry and betrayed that he was backing away once again.
“No,” he admitted, softly. Marigold shook her head and looked away.
“Marigold?”
“I just don’t understand,” she confessed painfully. “I’ve never felt so torn and so confused. I want to be a part of your world, no matter how difficult things get, but when we seem to be making progress – you run from me emotionally and physically. You leave in more ways than just the one and it hurts.”
“Mari…”
“It’s not fair to make me fall for you and then you just shove me to the side like I’m nothing. I want this so much…” she breathed and dashed a tear away from her eyes. Her heart was breaking and she knew why it hurt so much to have him turn away.
She loved him.
She’d fought admitting it for so long, but that glimpse of tenderness and warmth she’d gotten from the cool soldier before her, made her itch to want to reach him again. She loved him and she hoped he might want that from her someday.
“Marigold, listen to me, please,” Ben said quietly, reaching for her. She stood there, unable to meet his eyes because she knew if she did she would break down. If he was withdrawing, she had to be strong enough to let him go.
Again.
“You have become my everything and I’ll admit that I’m scared. You are so beautiful, so sweet, so enchanting, it’s like holding onto a special wish that is just for me and praying that it comes true. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life than to have you just smile at me… and never deserved it so little.”
“I’ve done some terrible things in my life, a long time ago, that will haunt me forever. I was a holy terror to my family growing up, never listening, never obeying the rules – and had to deal with the consequences.”
“What do you mean?”
“What happens to you, when you are younger, it shapes your world. There’s a reason I never break the rules and try to plan everything out to the point of obsession. When I am heedless or carefree, it seems to result in tragedy or someone getting hurt.”
“Are you talking about Ethan’s leg?”
“No,” he said quietly, running his thumb over her knuckles where he held her hands. “I’m talking about Erica.”
Marigold started to pull her hands away in abject horror.
Was he married?
She was going to be sick, if he was!
“Marigold, wait… don’t pull back from me because I can’t seem to let you go. Erica was a girlfriend I had back when I was a kid, when I was seventeen.”
“Oh,” she whispered. She stopped struggling to free her hands from his and felt relieved for a moment, looking up at him. His dark eyes seemed to burn into hers, a sense of dread building at the ravaged look mirrored in their dark depths.
“My dad used to drive all these fancy muscle cars and I was always sneaking out of the house, getting into trouble. One night, I snuck out and met up with Erica, my girlfriend at the time, and a few months later she was pregnant. I was a really reckless teenager… one that was now going to be a father.”
“Is that why you were so upset at the hospital?”
“That’s why I wanted to be here… to see you and discover what I missed out on so many years ago. It was wonderful and hurt so much at the same time.”
“What happened to her?”
“I was driving like a lunatic and we were arguing about when we should tell our families about the baby. I knew my parents would be upset, claiming I’d ruined my life, and that I wasn’t fit to be a dad at seventeen. I didn’t want to tell anyone yet, that way I could figure out what to do, bu
t she got really upset and kicked at me in the car. I was speeding, and not paying attention because we were yelling at each other, when I slid into a tree.”
“The impact killed her, Marigold,” Ben admitted painfully. “It killed the girl I was trying to do right by, killed my child that was just starting to grow, and killed any youth left in me.”
“I couldn’t bear the sympathetic looks that people were giving me, so I ran,” he confessed, his voice barely a whisper. “I joined the military to get away and hide, pushing all those emotions and thoughts down. I was determined to be the strong person she once was. I was going to be a leader, be firm, and do the right thing… but I am finding that reckless boy is still hiding away inside.”
“I want to lose myself in your happiness. I want to dream of a future and a home. I want to break the rules… with you,” Ben admitted, his voice ragged. “…and I’m scared that it will end badly, like I’m not supposed to have anything good in my little world.”
“Does it have to end?”
“I have to go back. I’m duty-bound and just knowing that I am leaving you here for an unknown length of time, alone, is killing me.”
“We can work through whatever it is, as long as we do it together.”
“I’m not a good man…”
“You are the best man I’ve ever met…” she countered forcefully, interrupting him immediately, and cupping his face tenderly.
Ben swallowed nervously and pulled out the folded envelope that he’d shoved in his pants pocket. Curious, she watched as he opened it and shook out something in his hand. As his hand unfurled before her, in his palm was a tiny seed.
“What’s this?” she whispered, staring at it in shock. “You brought me a rose… from Afghanistan? That’s illegal to bring something from another country.”
Remember Dreams Page 10