by Shey Stahl
Red glares down at his daughter, stepping sideways away from the snake another step. “I am not.”
“Okay, well then, pick it up,” I challenge, quirking an eyebrow at him.
Nova giggles, jumping up and down. “Yeah, Daddy, pick it up.”
His gaze falls from mine, and to the snake. “Nope.” And then he walks into the house.
FOR THE ENTIRE day, I stay at Red’s house with him and Nova. We don’t do much of anything aside from lay out in the sun while Red cuts fire wood. When the sun begins to dip down, clouds roll in, peppering the sky with gray, some dark, some lighter as a mist of rain falls.
“It’s about to pour on us,” Red notes, looking up at the sky. “Nova’s gonna be pissed if she doesn’t get her s’mores.”
“Yeah, she seemed hell-bent on them,” I say, smiling up at him as he places another chunk of wood in their fire pit.
He reaches for my hand again and I smile. “And there’s nothing better than a gooey marshmallow between graham crackers with chocolate oozing from it,” I say, trying to tease him a little.
He draws in a whistled breath watching me, shaking his head with his eyebrows raised, as if to say, I’m screwed. “You shouldn’t say those things to me.”
“Why?” I ask, letting out a chuckle.
“Because I have no control when it comes to you.” His hand goes to my bare thigh and higher until it reaches the edge of my jean shorts. “I can’t deny you no matter how hard I try and I’ve only known you a month. I don’t see how that’s possible.”
“Don’t believe in love at first sight I take it,” I blurt out, wanting to slap my hand over my mouth. I feel completely stupid for saying that and immediately realize I said love in that sentence and want to take it back. Only I don’t.
I wait.
I want to see what he’s going to say next.
He turns his head and he stares at the house where Nova is changing her clothes. “I don’t believe in love at first sight,” Red says almost in a conversational manner. “That’s just a fairy tale for romance novels and movies.” He waits, and then asks, “Do you?”
“Do I what?” I’m stalling because I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to answer that. Do I? When I said it to him, I was teasing, making light of the situation. I really meant it when I’d told him don’t think I know what love is. I’ve only ever known what I was told I should feel.
When I don’t say anything, he reminds me of the question. “Believe in love at first sight?”
“No.” My nerves jump a little that I’m talking about this with him. “I guess maybe I don’t. People throw the word around too easily these days. They wanna say it as soon as they lay eyes on someone and it doesn’t work that way.”
He nods, taking in my confession.
“The only reason you’ve never been in love is because no one has ever given you a choice in the matter,” he says and then his eyes find mine again, wanting to see my reaction.
“There’s probably some truth in the matter, but couldn’t you say the same thing about your situation? I mean you said yourself you married Nevaeh because she was pregnant.”
He presses his lips together, weighing his response. “I married her because she was pregnant, yes, but it didn’t mean I didn’t love her and that I didn’t want Nova. She was definitely something I never saw myself doing, the whole baby thing, but once I saw Nova, that all changed.”
Before he can say anymore, I ask, “And you certainly never saw yourself being a single dad, huh?”
“No… never. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.” His eyes move from the fire he gets going to Nova in the kitchen with an armful of stuffed animals trying to drag them out of the house with her. When she has them on the porch, one by one, she brings them to sit around the fire with us.
“You’re doing great with her.” I turn in the seat to face him now. “She’s a good kid.”
Red breathes in deeply and then slowly lets it out. His right hand moves from the ax he had been holding and lays it on the ground before sitting next to me on the log in front of the fire. “I’m not gonna lie to you. I loved Nevaeh with all my heart. It wasn’t easy on me. For a while, I thought I’d never move on and then one day, it got a little easier. Didn’t hurt as bad. And then the next… same thing. It’s been two years now and it’s gotten easier.”
“But you’re not over it?”
He shifts slightly, maybe uncomfortable with my question. Though there’s no sun, he squints and I think maybe it’s painful for him. “I don’t think you ever get over that.”
“Do you ever see yourself getting married again?”
“For a long time I would have told you no.” He smiles over at me. “I think about it more now than I did when she died. I told myself she was it for me. I would never love again, but I’m slowly coming aroud to the idea of maybe.”
I smile, realizing I know him a little better now. Like somehow that confession gives me what I’m looking for from him. A little truth. Not that he was keeping anything from me, but I can tell he’s reluctant to say anything to me. Maybe from fear, I’m not sure. “Are you worried about what Nova thinks?”
Nova steps back from her animals, completely oblivious to Red and me talking, and runs inside the house. “I used to be, but I kinda let her take the lead on that. She seems to like you though.” He laughs with a nervous edge and then leans forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “What about you?”
“I don’t even know where I’m sleeping next month, let alone what I’m going to do.” I laugh, thinking about the fact that I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
Red laughs too, raising his hand to scratch the underside of his jaw. “Yeah, well, you at least have a job.” And then he looks at me. “And you have a place to sleep.” I know he’s not referring to Tyler’s couch. By the look on his face, he’s talking about his bed.
“Thank you, I appreciate that.”
He smiles at the song that comes on the radio, giving my shoulder a nudge and when my eyes catch his, I want to drown in their depths. “Wanna dance?”
“What?” I laugh, looking around but thankful for the subject change nonetheless. “It’s raining.”
It’s only a sprinkle and hasn’t stopped Nova in bringing out her entire bedroom.
“Oh, please. When has the weather ever stopped a girl like you?” He stands and extends his hand to me, nodding to the yard. “Come on, get up before I change my mind.”
I let him help me up from the chair. We walk to the middle of the yard where he takes my hand in his.
His hands wrap around my waist drawing my body near. “Thanks for staying today,” he whispers in my ear. “Even though she’s in her own world right now, Nova loved having you here.”
I pull back and shake my head. “You just enjoyed staring at me in the yard with my bra and underwear on.” I didn’t exactly have a bathing suit with me. Hell, I was still wearing last night’s dusty clothes. But when a five-year-old asks if you want to go swimming in her kiddie pool, you strip down and go swimming.
Red raises his eyebrows in amusement. “Well, any chance I get to see you half naked is worth it.” He forces me to lay my head against his chest, his body slowly moving in circles.
“Except in the shop?”
“Yeah, I’m not too comfortable seeing the guys staring at you.” His arms tighten around me, holding me a little closer as I wrap myself around him. It’s good to be with him like this, my head against his chest hearing the gentle rhythm of his heart.
Inhaling, the fresh smells of rain and wet dirt invade my senses. I’ll remember this moment right here, too. I will because while he’s slow dancing with me, the rain starts again and it’s something I’ve never experienced before. As if my heart is telling me to remember this, cherish it because it’s going to be a memory I keep, a sliver of light in a darkness that surrounds me at times.
A slow creeping smile overtakes me, though, formed by visions of what it would be lik
e to fall for him. I imagine it’s similar to this, slow dancing, a gentle breeze, and raindrops like the night’s kisses.
“What do you want, Lennon?”
I take a deep breath. I want a lot of things, but then again, all I really want is what I’ve never had before. True boundless love. “You. I want you, and though it scares the ever living shit out of me, I want to be part of your lives.”
He moves closer, bringing his arms up and cupping my face. “Then what are you afraid of?”
I stare into his beautiful brown eyes. “I’m scared that all of this will come crashing down. I’ve spent my life believing I couldn’t be happy. I’m scared to need you.”
He shakes his head, keeping his eyes locked on mine and then leans forward to rest his forehead against mine. “Don’t be scared.” He pulls his face back and looks down at me. “I’ll keep you safe.”
I smile. “As long as I’m not being attacked by a snake, right?”
He glares. “You just ruined that moment.”
“I told you. I’ve got horrible timing.”
His hand moves from my waist to my ass. “I know a guy who might be able to adjust that for.”
“Daddy, why are you touching Lenny’s butt?”
We both freeze at that moment. Looking at each other with surprise at being caught. Suddenly, Red slaps my ass, and I yelp not expecting it.
“She just had a bug on her butt, darlin’ and I was getting it for her.” I put one hand on my ass rubbing the spot where he just slapped the hell out of me while giving him a look of promise for revenge.
Nova’s brow pinches in thought. “Oh. Well make sure you hit it hard.”
Red looks down at me and smiles. “Will do.”
He convinces me to stay with him again that night, not that it’s all that hard, but he says something when we’re inside his room.
“I kept my head down for a long time,” he tells me. “But with you, I looked up.”
“I’m glad you did,” I say, leaning in to kiss him, just once.
“I’m not going to let him hurt you anymore, Lenny.” He places his hand on my cheek. “I won’t let him anywhere near you.”
For the first time in my life, the promise of his words resonate and settle themselves in my soul. I’m safe here, with him.
Lenny ended up staying the weekend with me, and I can honestly say it was the best weekend I’d had in a long time.
“Daddy, can we go to Mommy’s grave before you take me to preschool?”
I didn’t take her yesterday so I knew this was coming. I let her tell me when she wants to go. I never force her. Sometimes we miss a week.
“Yeah, real quick.” I kneel down to her level trying to calm her frizzy hair. She immediately shakes my hands away and hands a hair tie to Lenny as she walks by into the kitchen. “Do you mind if we make a stop?” As soon as I say it, I realize the awkwardness of taking her to Nevaeh’s grave. That’s probably a bit strange for her, right?
Lenny bends down and ties Nova’s hair up for her. It seems I’ve been replaced in the hair department. Not that I was any good at it anyhow. “I have my own car here, Red. I can drive myself to work.”
“Yeah, you can,” I agree, “but I’d like to follow you. Just in case.”
I know she wants to protest, but doesn’t. “I don’t mind if you want to stop. I can just wait in my car.”
Nova reaches for my hand. “I think Mommy wants to meet her.”
Nova once made me take a stray cat to her grave to see if Mommy would approve. I’m guessing she didn’t because the cat ran away the next day. Nova didn’t seem too upset by it either. She simply shrugged and said, “I don’t think Mommy liked him.”
So what’s gonna happen when we take Lenny?
I hope she doesn’t run away.
THE MORNING IS quiet, a cool breeze from the south picking up. The smell of rain in the distance dances around us as we walk toward Nevaeh’s grave. There’s a heaviness in my gut, weighing me down. Guilt.
I let Nova talk to her alone, like I always do and then she takes off to drag Lenny out of her Bronco.
“I met a girl,” I say into the wind as I kneel beside Nevaeh’s grave. “I don’t know what it means right now, but I can see she really cares for our daughter.” My eyes move to Nova and Lenny in the distance, hand in hand looking for the perfect flower and giving me some time alone. “Maybe that’s all that matters right now.” I draw in a deep breath and look down at her headstone. “I told myself for a long time I couldn’t move on, but then again, is that a life I should be living? I don’t know, but for the first time since we lost you, Nova is wanting to be around a woman other than my mom and Raven. Lenny is the first girl Nova’s liked in a long time. Maybe she’s trying to tell me something here.”
Nova comes running up, Lenny walking a little slower behind her as though she’s unsure of where her place is in this moment.
Looking up at her, seeing the concern in her eyes, I can’t help but know bringing her into our lives is the right thing. Though everything’s happening fast, it’s not a mistake for the three of us to take this next step together.
I understand the life she’s running from and I want to be the one who takes her away from it. I know how situations like this end and I don’t want that to happen to Lenny. Not if I can help it.
She’d said to me last night, “I wish I’d met you first.” I thought about it a lot this morning, and what those words meant to me. At first, I didn’t know how I felt about it because of everything she’s been through. That’s putting a lot of pressure on me to be perfect for her.
AFTER WE LEAVE the cemetery and drop a disgruntled Nova off at daycare, Lenny and I head into the shop. We’re already running late, and I don’t want to think about how much shit I need to get done today. Most importantly, I needed to talk to Tyler about Ben. I need a plan in case he shows up at the shop.
First thing when I walk into the shop, I look around to see where Tyler is. I spot him walking out of the parts room.
“Hey, man, got a minute?”
Tyler stops and looks at me, his brow pinches together as his eyes dart to the office and back to me. “Yeah sure. What’s up?”
“I wanted to talk to you about the situation with Lenny and her crazy-ass ex.”
He nods, seeming to relax. “What do you know?”
“Is this guy someone we need to really be worried about?”
“Honestly, Red, I don’t know.” Tyler shakes his head, scratching the back of his neck. “Lenny hasn’t told me much about him, but I do know she’s scared of him. Considering her fear, I think that gives us enough reason to worry.”
“Yeah, when the sheriff stopped by last week, he told me Ben was making it clear that he wasn’t giving up until he found her. Even burned down her last employer’s garage when he couldn’t get any answers out of them.”
Tyler looks shocked by this information. “Seriously? Shit. That is totally fucked-up, man. Ben sounds like he’s losing it. What do you think we should do?”
“We need to make sure she’s safe. No leaving her alone. When she’s not here at the shop, she needs to either be upstairs with you or at my place with me.” I level him a grave look. “I mean it, Tyler. Not even a quick trip to the grocery store. There’s no telling what this guy is capable of, and I don’t want us letting our guard down for a second until he’s caught.”
“Absolutely, Red. I agree. She and I already talked about making sure she was with someone at all times after she filed the restraining order.”
I give a quick glance around the shop, my stare landing on Lenny. She’s at my toolbox grabbing something and turns around and heads back to her stall. I watch as she returns to whatever she’s working on.
Tyler must follow what I’m looking at because a grin suddenly appears on his face. “Hey, so I heard you and Nova had some company at the races the other night.”
I turn to look at him wondering where he is going to go with this information. “We did.
Lenny stopped by to drop something off when we were getting ready to leave and Nova asked if she could come along.”
“Ah. Nova wanted her to come along.” He waggles his eyebrows suggestively. “Well, it was nice of you to let Nova invite a friend.” Rolling my eyes, he continues. “I also heard that Elle was there and got the impression you and Lenny were dating. Heard it a got a little awkward.”
What the hell. Rawley and his big fucking mouth. Since when did he become a gossiping little bitch?
“I can’t help what Elle thinks she sees, and no, there was no awkwardness. Lenny and I are just friends.”
“Just friends?” His brow raises. He’s sees right through my bullshit lie. “It’s obvious you both have feelings for each other. Just be careful man. You’ve both been through a lot and I don’t want to see either of you get hurt.”
I hand him a work order. “I know.”
I do know. I know I’m positive this woman came into my life for a reason. If that means protecting her, then I will. My dad used to tell me it doesn’t matter what’s in front of you. It matters what’s behind you. As in, who’s got your back when you need it.
Lenny’s never had anyone look out for her and that’s changing.
“There you go.” Red smiles and bumps my shoulder with his. “Four new tires.”
“Thanks, but I could have done this myself, you know.” I give him my own smile. The late afternoon sun giving way to gray clouds in the distance illuminating his face and the sense of pride it holds that he was able to do something for me.
I hadn’t realized it, but after the long drive I made here from Oklahoma, I was in desperate need of some tires.
“I do know that, but…” He moves closer and cups my cheek with his hand. He smells like oil and gas, my two favorite scents. “…don’t you think it’s nice to have a man around every once in a while to change your tires?”
I wink, pressing my lips to his palm once… twice. “It is nice. So how much do I owe you for this tire replacement?”