by Shey Stahl
Nonetheless, he’d be behind bars and I’m no longer married to that monster.
“WHERE’S NOVA?” I ask when I come through the door Friday night. Red’s been back at work a week now and I’m still technically living with Tyler but sleeping in Red’s bed every night. I keep thinking he’s going to ask me to move in with him, but he hasn’t.
Red smiles, it’s adorable and so unlike the man I first met. His grin sparks my own. “She’s with my mom tonight.”
“Oh.” I set my phone on the counter, watching him place two containers in a bag along with a blanket on top. “What’s all that?”
“I’m taking you on a date.”
Maybe he’s going to ask me to move in?
“What if I don’t want to go on a date?” He has to know I like to play hard to get, tease him a little for my own enjoyment at times.
He stops and stares at me. “You don’t want to go out with me?”
“I’m still deciding,” I tease. “Where are we going?”
“Can’t tell you.”
“Then I’m not going.”
He sighs and watches me carefully, his hands resting on the table. Dark eyes hold mine until he knows I’m gonna crack. “You’re missing out then.”
There’s a moment of silence between us and I can’t deny him. “Fine.” I groan. “I’ll go with you.”
He’s quiet for a minute. I feel bad for teasing him. “Wow.” He laughs. “Don’t do me any favors.”
I snort. “Oh, shush.” I wait a few seconds, chewing on my lip. Then I say, “I’m only teasing you.”
Red turns to look at me. “Lennon?”
“Yeah?” I look over at him.
“Will you go on a date with me?”
I don’t intend to laugh in his face, but I do because he’s so cute, and Red and cute are never words I imagined in the same sentence. I reserve those for Nova.
When he levels me a glare, I clear my throat. “Yes, yes I will.” I peek inside the bag. “What’s in there?”
He knocks my hand away gently. “Stop that. It’s a surprise.”
I raise my hands in surrender and take a step back. “You’re grouchy today.”
Leaning in, he kisses my cheek. “Let’s go.”
Okay, so a date.
THE DRIVE FROM his house isn’t far and soon we find ourselves at the river sitting in front of a jet boat. “What, are we searching for, gators or something?”
“We don’t have gators here.” He chuckles, reaching for the bag of food beside him. “And it’s a surprise.”
I point to the man approaching the car. “Who’s that guy?”
“That’s Sheldon. Remember him? He owns that Plymouth GTX. I fixed his tractor a while back so he agreed to take us somewhere.”
“Where?”
Red nods outside. “Just get out and see.”
“So he’s going on a date with us?”
He rubs the back of his neck. “Damn, you’re impatient.”
I throw my hands up. “Well, you could be taking me out here to ditch me.”
He stops and laughs, once. And then his face his completely serious as his eyes narrow. “Yeah cause taking a bullet for you did me in. Now I wanna get rid of you so I can get on with my life.”
“Hey, you said it.”
He looks down, eyes squinting. Trying to decode my words. For all his overconfidence that he was strong and recovered so quickly, there’s a part of him that’s haunted by the fact that I saw him weak and he did depend on me in a lot of ways. “Lenny?”
“Yeah.”
Red shrugs, and his tone turns neutral. “Shut up and let me be nice to you.”
“You’re being dramatic now.”
His eyes narrow but he says nothing more.
Trying hard not to laugh, I purse my lips together and we follow Sheldon to the boat. I don’t say anything as we get out and into the boat. I also don’t say anything as we speed through the river and to a place he tells me is called Fry Creek.
And then I see it. His date. Straight ahead on the cover where the sand and rock wash up the rivers bank is a small table covered with a white linen tablecloth. It’s complete with a mason jar candle and two plates. He planned this. For me he planned a special night.
I’m speechless for a moment, before saying, “Red…. Wow.”
“You were saying about me being dramatic?”
“Nothing. I was saying nothing.”
He leans over and kisses my temple, his rough chin scraping against my cheek. “That’s what I thought.” And then he points to the raft. “Even comes with a bed.”
“Did you bring that out here?”
“You never know when you might need a bed.”
I could say something snarky. I could, but seeing this romantic side to Red, I’m nearly in tears. No one has ever done something like this for me.
His expression softens when he notices my sad expression. “Are you crying?”
I clamp my lips together as if that will stop the rush of tears. “No.”
He wraps his arm around me, bringing me to his side as the boat stops. “It’s okay to cry sometimes.”
I know it is. Still doesn’t mean I want to.
Sheldon leaves and Red takes out the food he brought for us. We’re a few minutes into dinner when I ask him, “Why does an engine knock?”
Red’s brow scrunches, trying to understand what I’m talking about. “Usually the engine timing is off but it can be for a variety of reasons.”
“Let’s go with ignition timing being too far advanced.” He nods. “Causes spark knock, right? So the fuel is lit on fire too soon before that exact moment it needs to during the pistons stroke.” He nods again. “Everything in my life has been bad timing. Spark knock. Until you. And I thought you were bad timing too. I met you at a time when I had no business falling in love, but I did because you were bad timing. You were the mechanic I needed to fix my knocking engine.”
He can’t keep a straight face for long because he’s fucking dirty like that and bursts out laughing.
I glare. “See… this is why we can’t have mature conversations like adults.”
“You turned it dirty, not me.”
“Still, I was trying to make a point.”
“You did make a point.” He winks, relaxing into the chair.
“What’s that noise?”
Red looks around. “I’m not sure… but I hear something.” And then his face pales as he watches behind me. “Oh fuck!”
I panic and turn around, falling out of the chair. “Holy shit, that’s a big dog.”
“In what world, would that be a dog?” Red asks, helping me up.
I stare at the black spot in the distance moving toward us with a slow stride. It’s definitely not a dog.
In my state of sheer panic, I blame Red, naturally. “Who the hell brings salmon to a river where black bears live?”
He glares, a scowl I never want to see again. I’ve offended him.
“I’m sorry,” I’m quick to say, not wanting him to be upset with me because this was clearly a well thought-out plan. He just hadn’t invited the bear. “That was mean of me.”
“Fucking right it was mean. Be nice.”
I breathe in a shaky breath. “Remember that fear you have of snakes?”
“No.” He still refuses to admit it.
“Well, I have that same fear… with bears.”
“Let’s use the raft,” Red suggests when the bear moves closer.
We do and end up getting soaked in the process but distance ourselves a good hundred feet from the bear. “Bears can swim, can’t they?”
Red eyes the bear with fear. “Yeah, they can.”
Just when I think our lives might be over, the bear stops on the edge of the water and stares at us and then decides our half-eaten dinner is what he really wanted, not us.
Red’s head drops to his forearm when he sees we’re not in danger at the moment. “See, he wants salmon. Not us.”
Shivering at the chill of my wet clothes, I stare at him. “Why did you really bring me out here?”
He sighs, the tense lines of his face relaxing. “I was going to ask you to move in.”
Our foreheads press together, the smudged sky making his eyes look even darker. I push his hair back from his forehead. “Tell me you love me.”
He doesn’t say it often. He doesn’t need to. But I need to hear it sometimes.
Holding my face in his hands, his thumbs moving back and forth over my cheeks, his eyes darting from my lips, to my eyes. “I love you, Lennon.”
I smile, softly, looking into his eyes. “Good. Because I kinda love you. And I’ll move in with you.”
Have you ever watched a sunset from start to finish?
The colors change with each layer, dark grays, purples, fading into pale blues and then the richest golds, orange, pink and red. If I had to compare it to anything, I’d compare it to the last few months. What started out dark, colors seeping into my blackened soul was changing now. This guy beside me, the one intently watching a bear finish our dinner with a scowl on his face, he saturated my heart with his love. He’s proof that even the darkest of times can end beautifully if you look up.
He’s proof that you can be loved for reasons you thought you didn’t deserve and with more love than you can possibly imagine. In a lot of ways, he’s restored my faith in not only love, but men in general. He taught me that being with someone didn’t mean you belonged to them.
If someone were to ask me, how do you move on after everything I’ve been through, maybe I’ll say love, even after you’ve been disappointed.
Maybe I’ll say believe, even after you’ve been betrayed.
Or maybe I’ll just say find a guy like Reddington Walker and never let him go.
For a long time, and even now, I’ve wondered when will it be my time to be happy? I know when that is. It’s now. Fuck everything else that’s happened.
Fuck my mom for giving me up with no explanation.
Fuck everyone who gave up on me and said they couldn’t take care of me.
Fuck Wes and his dirty lies and neglect.
Fuck Ben and everything he took from me.
Fuck not feeling good enough for someone like Red, because I am.
So I asked Lenny to move in with me. She’d been basically staying at my place since I was shot, so it just seemed almost normal for her to live there.
What’s difficult for me is the morning before when I had a key made and noticed I still had my wedding ring on my key chain.
I had to remove it, right?
They say you have one true love, one soulmate and when that comes along, and leaves, that chance is over.
Do I believe that?
Six months ago, I would have said yes. I did believe that.
But that’s like saying an old rustic car can’t be restored. It goes back to my theory of beating the crap out of that car in front of Lenny to prove my point. Even if you’re damaged, it still doesn’t take away who you are inside.
I don’t think we get to choose who and when they come into our lives. There’s something bigger in the works as far as that goes. Like my wife sending us Lenny. I could never imagine moving on from Nevaeh. It just didn’t seem possible.
But I also think she knew Lenny needed us.
Lenny… she’s different than she was when she first stepped foot inside my shop.
I’m sure I’m different too. No, I know I’m not the same.
Life has a way of doing that to you.
Being here, now, in front of Nevaeh’s grave, seems I don’t know, different. A place where I once felt her presence is now just a grave, nothing more. A headstone marked with a life that was taken from me.
What changed and why?
Kneeling next to her grave, I remove my wedding ring from my keychain and take the ring in my hand, staring at the black metal. “I don’t want you to think I didn’t love you or don’t anymore because that’s not the case. I loved you… God did I fucking love you, Nevaeh. I still love you even now.” I sigh, hanging my head as I let out a shaking breath, tears streaming down my cheeks. “But that love has changed since you’ve been gone. I will always love you. You’re the mother of my child, but for me… I have to let you go. For Nova, I have to let you go.” Taking the ring between my thumb and index finger, I set it on the headstone knowing someone will steal it. “This is yours. I think maybe I should have given it to you when you passed away, but I held on to it selfishly. I never wanted to move on. I didn’t. And I’m still not sure how I did so suddenly, but you know, you had something to do with it. Nova thinks you chose Lenny for us… and I think she’s right. I will always hold you in my heart.” I stand, brushing away the tears and bury my hands in my pockets. I’m about a foot away when I turn and smile. “And thank you… for her.”
I LEAVE THE cemetery and meet Lenny at my house before we’re going to swing by the apartment to grab the rest of her clothes. That’s when I notice Nova has taken Lenny’s blanket and pillow and put them in her room on her bed.
It hasn’t been easy on Nova since I was shot. She saw and heard a lot of fucked-up shit that night, and it’s been a huge battle trying to get her to sleep in her own room again without someone in her bed with her.
It took me a long time to talk to Nova about that night in the shop where I nearly died in front of her. Weeks actually. Finally I did and asked her if she wanted to talk about it. There’s a certain amount of innocence in her I’m thankful for, because despite her remembering that night vividly, she talks about it as if I was her own personal super hero.
Super hero, or just plain old dad, I will always struggle with how to protect Nova. I think all parents do because there’s only so much you can protect them from and somethings are out of your control.
I lean into the doorframe and watch her arranging her stuffed animals to make room for Lenny. “Nova, darlin’, Lenny’s not sleeping in your room.”
Nova rolls her eyes and stands in front of me with her hands on her hips. “Don’t be shellfish, Daddy.”
“You mean selfish?”
She taps her finger to her chin, contemplating what she said. “Yes.”
“Still… she’s not sleeping in here with you.”
“And why not?”
I kneel down and take her hands in mine. “Because Lenny…. she’s going to sleep in my bed.”
A look crosses her face, one I’ve never seen before. I can’t help but think it might be realization maybe?
“Is she like my mommy now?”
Anxiety rushes through me. “Well, no. Nevaeh will always be mommy. Lenny’s going to live with us and she’s my girlfriend. I don’t know where this will take us next but I know I want her here with us, and I love her.”
There’s a smile on her face, so cute and adorable. “I love her, too, but why does she get to sleep with you?”
And we’re back to that.
“Because I get cold at night.” More like my dick gets lonely.
Don’t say that to her.
“Are you cold every night?”
“Yeah?” Yep. That’s presented as a question.
“Maybe you need more blankets.”
Fuck. How do I explain this?
“I have blankets. Lenny.” Wrong fucking answer.
Nova stares at me, her face blank. “Can she sleep with me at least two days a week? You can have the other three.”
She’s negotiating a sleeping schedule already.
“We’ll talk about it later.”
With a heavy breath, she steps away and walks past Lenny in the hall. “You ready to go?” Lenny asks me. “Your mom’s here to watch Nova so we can get my stuff and then you have your follow up with the doctor.”
“Right… yes.” I reach over, turn the light off to Nova’s room, and then make my way out to the living room to see Nova sitting on the couch, arms crossed over her chest and refusing to look at me.
“What’s wrong
with Nova?” Lenny asks when we’re in the car.
“She’s upset you’re sleeping in my room.”
“Oh, poor girl.” She can’t control the burst of laughter that leaves her lips as we pull out of the driveway.
“No. Poor me. Think of me in this situation.”
She laughs.
AS WE PULL up to the shop, I park behind Raven’s car as a rush of emotions hit me because so many times my life has changed here, inside that building. It’s just a building surrounded by four walls but when you think about it, Nevaeh told me she was pregnant in there. I asked her to marry me in the parts room and Nova took her first step inside there. My dad died on the floor in front of me, I fucked Lenny against a workbench in there, and finally, I was shot and nearly died in almost the exact same spot my dad died.
So yeah, this place holds a lot of memories for me. It’s different now. I still own the business and run it, but I’m a little more laid back then I have been in the past. Mostly because I’ve come to realize I have a family who’s there to support me when life’s unsteady. You can’t always be strong on two feet. Sometimes you need others to give you a little balance. I have that now.
Lenny stares at my keys as I give her the key to my house when we’re just about ready to leave the apartment with the last of her things. “Where’d your ring go?”
“I gave it to Nevaeh this morning,” I say smoothly, no expression on my face. “I think it’s best she has it.”
“You did what?” She eyes me with a calculating expression. “Someone’s going to steal that, Red.”
I shrug. “Probably.” I knew someone would, but it was more about me moving on than it was about someone stealing it.
“Just tell me what you want from me?” Tyler shouts behind the closed door of his room. I hadn’t even realized he was here.
Both Lenny and I stop what we’re doing and look at each other.
“You know, I’ve been putting on a show in front of my brother, your friends, work, all that, but I’m tired of pretending. I’m leaving in two days. Tell me where we stand,” the girl yells back.