God, she missed him. Was he holding up okay? Was he feeling less stressed or clamoring to move back to Boston?
She was with teens all day nine months out of the year. How had Evan torn off a piece of her heart so quickly?
She entered her classroom and drew in another deep breath. Her phone vibrated, and she pulled it from her pocket, hoping it was Caden. Jenna. This was the third time she’d called in as many hours. Bella shoved her phone back into her pocket. She couldn’t talk to Jenna yet. She couldn’t talk to anyone yet. She wasn’t sure she was capable of talking without losing her voice to sobs.
She looked around the classroom. I loved teaching here. She loved her fellow teachers, and she even loved the way her windows faced the courtyard. During many stressful afternoons, she’d lost herself for a few blessed minutes gazing into the courtyard. Yes, she loved this place.
Loved. That was the operative word.
She could spend the next several years teaching the same classes and probably be content. But one thing she realized over the past few weeks of creating the work-study program was that she was missing out on the very things that excited her. Challenge. Diversity. Creativity. Content was no longer enough.
Each determined step she took down the hallway and toward the administrative offices solidified her decision. She was sticking to her effing plan, damn it. These were her decisions.
After meeting with Kelsey and firmly turning down the job offer, she went home and began packing. She couldn’t keep her mind from wandering to Caden and Evan. Had they gone to Boston, and if so, had it made them both feel better? Did it bring back the sadness of losing George? If so, was Caden still sad when he returned, or was he strong and self-possessed as usual? Oh, how she wanted to call and ask him all those things, but if she called, she’d never make it through the day, and she had things to get done before she allowed herself to hear his voice again. She had to be strong. She was always strong.
Except she wasn’t always strong, and Caden understood that.
He loved that about her.
She forced herself to focus on packing. She reached up to the top shelf of her closet and brought down a shoebox. Her lips curved up into a half smile. She lifted the top of the box and her smile faltered; her hands began to shake. Tears welled in her eyes.
OhGodohGodohGod. She reached into the box she hadn’t opened in years and ran her fingers over the pink fuzzy handcuffs. A single tear slipped down her cheeks as she picked them up and clutched them to her chest. The sadness she’d been fighting so hard to repress and ignore coiled in her belly, hot and venomous.
Caden. Oh God. Caden. I love you.
She sucked in a breath as the sadness seared through her body, stealing her strength and her rationale. She collapsed to her knees, rocking forward and back and wailing like an abandoned child. The handcuffs were a joke. They were silly. Stupid. Asinine. But damn it to hell, they brought the whisper of Caden’s breath against her cheek, his voice in her ear: Tonight I just want to be close. No games, no props, no diversions. I just want to love you.
I just want to love you.
The memory tore her insides to shreds. Racked by unyielding sobs, she rolled onto her side on the bedroom floor, where she lay until the sun dipped from the sky. Then she rolled onto her back and caught sight of her fluffy pink comforter, lacy pillows, and sheer, frilly curtains.
“What the hell am I doing?” She stared up at the ceiling and swiped at her tears. “Get up,” she commanded.
No, thanks. I’ll just stay here. Me and the urge to wallow in sadness. Constant companions. Maybe strength is overrated.
“The hell with wallowing. Wallowing sucks.” She reached under the bed to retrieve her cell phone from where it landed when she shoved the damn silent thing away from her, but it was too far away. She stretched her arm under the bed, inching her fingers along the floor. Her fingertips brushed the edge of the phone. She pushed her shoulder as far under the bed as it would fit, cursing the low-style frame she’d fallen in love with. She could feel the edge. One more push and—damn it! She’d pushed it farther away.
“Now is not the time to mess with me, you little electronic shit.” She swung her foot under the bed and sent the phone spinning across the floor. On hands and knees, she retrieved the electronic nemesis, pushed to her feet, and flew down the stairs and out the front door.
She came out of the convenience store ten minutes later with an armful of chocolate. Chocolate didn’t make stupid decisions. Chocolate didn’t ask questions. Chocolate was the perfect companion.
If only Caden were there to share it with her.
Chapter Twenty-Five
SUNDAY MORNING CADEN went for a long run on the beach to keep from calling or texting Bella. Gray clouds hovered ominously over the bay, and they felt like a direct reflection of his heart. It was getting more difficult to be apart from Bella, rather than easier. Wasn’t time supposed to heal all wounds? He felt as if his heart had been torn open, the very core of his soul exposed. The wound was so raw that he feared it might never heal. When he ran to the point where he usually turned back, he slowed to a walk. He missed Bella so much. Would it be treacherous if he called? Just once? Just to hear her voice?
He ripped the Velcro band from his arm and withdrew his cell phone. Just a quick call. He could ask her if he left his tool belt at her cottage. Yes, that might work. She might buy that. He pressed her speed-dial number and closed his eyes, trying to calm his racing heart.
“Caden?”
Her sleepy voice filled him with sadness. “Yeah, hi. Sorry to call so early.”
He heard her repositioning herself and pictured her at the cottage, cuddled up beneath her pink comforter. Oh, how he wanted to be there with her.
“It’s okay. Is Evan okay?” she asked.
His throat thickened. Of course her mind went to Evan. Caden was so trapped in his own longing to hear her voice that he’d lost track of the fact that she didn’t have any updates on how Evan was getting along.
“He’s fine. Good, actually. Helping Vera out at her cottage, and he starts with TGG next week.”
“Oh. Good. I’m glad to hear that.”
He looked out over the bay and paced. “I miss you, babe.” His voice was so soft that he hoped she heard him. She didn’t respond, and he thought he must not have spoken after all. “I just…Can I come by and see you?”
“I’m not in Wellfleet.”
He stopped pacing. “You’re...”
“Back in Connecticut.”
He forced himself not to ask why, or if she’d taken the job there.
“What time is it?” she asked.
“I don’t know. Seven thirty maybe. I’ll let you go. I just wanted to hear your voice.”
By the time Caden circled back toward home, the sun streaked through like glimmering lights of goddamn hope. Hope that he didn’t have much of anymore. She was in Connecticut. Connecticut. Was she there for good? Was that her way of finalizing their break? He could kick himself for not asking if she’d taken the job there, but he’d been struck mute by the fact that she was no longer a few miles away.
He arrived home drenched in sweat, which felt right for his frame of mind lately. He ripped off his shirt as he went inside and snagged a towel from a kitchen drawer to wipe the perspiration from his body.
“Hey, Dad.” Evan sat in the living room poring over one of the computer books Caden had bought on his first date with Bella.
He remembered that evening as if it were yesterday. Oh, how he wished he could turn back time and go back to that night and skip over Tuesday altogether.
“Hi, Ev. What are you doing up?” He’d practically had to beg Evan to watch a movie instead of playing PC games last night. When he’d decided to be more focused on his son, he hadn’t taken into account that Evan might not be as excited about the prospect of the two of them spending more time together as he was.
“I told you I was helping Vera today, remember? This book is awesome. Did
you buy it for me?” He flipped through a few pages.
“Right. I remember.” He wiped his face with the towel. “I bought that book so I could read up on what you were interested in. You can read it. It’s like a foreign language to me.” He didn’t care about the damn book. He cared about Bella, and damn it, now she was gone. How was he going to make it through eight hours of work?
“Thanks.” Evan’s hair was still wet from his shower, and Caden was glad to see he’d put on clean and unwrinkled clothes.
He forced himself to focus on Evan. “I’m working until five. Want to cook burgers on the grill tonight?”
Evan shrugged. “Bobby wanted to hang out.”
Caden’s stomach clenched. “Evan, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Bobby doesn’t hang out with those guys anymore. I swear it. You can ask him, and he didn’t ever do anything bad.”
“I don’t know, Ev.” Bobby had been cleared of any wrongdoing, just as Evan had, but Caden was nervous about Evan spending time with any kids until he knew them and their parents personally. Maybe it was time to change that.
“I’ll tell you what. Call Bobby and tell him that after my shift I’ll come by to meet his parents; then you and Bobby can spend the evening here.”
Evan closed the book he was reading and sighed. “I’ve been spending all my time here since this whole thing went down. Don’t you trust me to do anything?”
“Yes, I trust you.” Caden sat beside him on the couch and leaned his elbows on his knees.
“No, you don’t. If you’re not working, you’re here with me. Except when you run, but then I’m usually sleeping.” Evan rose to his feet. “You never even go out with Bella anymore.”
“This isn’t about me, Evan. You want to spend time with Bobby? Then I need to meet his parents.” Caden was not bending on that rule ever again.
“I don’t care about that. Fine. Whatever.” Evan shoved his hands into his pockets. “But why do we have to sit around here all night? It’s boring, Dad. It’s summer. We want to go hang out, and there’s a movie playing on the back of the town hall building in Wellfleet tonight. We were going to ride our bikes over and watch.”
Caden ran his hand down his face. He was glad Evan was getting back into life, and he’d done the right thing, so there was no reason not to trust him.
“Fine. I’ll meet his parents after work. You have your new phone?”
Evan pulled it out of his pocket. “Thanks, Dad. Why don’t you go out with Bella tonight?”
Because we broke up. “How about you worry about your own social life, and I’ll worry about mine?”
Evan looked at the floor, then back at his father with a pinched look on his face. “You broke up, didn’t you?”
“We’re…taking a break.” He was done with this fucking break. Why the hell had he thought it was a good idea in the first place?
“Why?” Evan’s face contorted. His cheeks heated. “Why’d you break up? Was it because of me?”
“No, it wasn’t because of you, and I said a break, not that we broke up for good.” How could Bella not have known that? How could she have left? How could he have been so stupid in the first place to think he needed this break? Bella understood Evan, maybe even better than Caden did at times.
Evan paced. “God, Dad. I really like her. Why’d you break up if it wasn’t because of me?”
“It’s complicated, Evan.” He rose to his feet and started down the hall toward his bedroom.
“Complicated. That’s your standard answer,” Evan said as he passed him. “Well, that sucks, Dad. You finally get a life, and somehow you manage to do it with a woman I really, really like spending time with, and then I fuck it up for you.”
Caden closed his eyes for a beat to try to gain control of his mounting anger, but days of frustration came tumbling forward, and he stalked back down the hall to Evan. “First of all, don’t say fuck. Second of all, I’ve always had a life, and—”
“You have not ever had a life. You’ve had work and me, and that’s it. I’ve never seen you with a woman until Bella, and I liked her, Dad, and whether you want to hear it or not, I liked you even more when she was around. You were happier.” Evan fisted his hands.
Caden realized that Evan was as upset over this breakup as he was. They were both on the same damn page.
His voice softened as he tried to rein in his anger. He’d thought he was making things better, but he’d only made things worse for both of them. “Did it ever occur to you that you and work are my life?”
“I don’t care.” Evan stepped into his room and slammed the door.
Damn it to hell. Would things ever go back to normal?
Caden went into his bedroom and sat on the bed. He always did the right thing. Always. Damn it. He’d hurt Bella, Evan, and himself, all because he thought he was doing the right thing. His father was goddamn right. He couldn’t be the best father if he wasn’t whole. It was time he took his life into his own hands and did what he wanted for his own heart. What he needed to be whole.
He loved Evan and he loved Bella. There was no reason he needed to be exclusive with his love—he had enough to give to both of them.
He paced the bedroom. If I hadn’t done a good job of raising Evan, he would have been in the thick of the trouble—not the one who turned them in.
He looked at the bed, and his chest constricted. He’d had dreams of loving Bella in that bed, waking to her in his arms, making plans for the day with her and Evan. He pulled out his cell phone, then scrolled to the picture of him and Bella in the Wellfleet fire tower.
“I miss you, babe. I miss you so fucking much it’s killing me.”
He had to show Bella that he was fully committed to her, and there was only one way to do that.
Chapter Twenty-Six
CADEN’S PHONE CALL had breathed new life into Bella. She’d gotten up right after the call and started packing. She’d already packed most of her don’t-ever-throw-out stuff. The items that she would never need again but couldn’t bear to part with—prom dresses, love notes from boys in elementary school, letters from her Seaside friends. She couldn’t help but try on some of the prom dresses and was surprised that she could still fit into a few of them. As she moved around now in one of the light pink frocks and caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, she didn’t look anything like the Bella everyone knew and loved, but she felt more like herself than she had in years. She was a woman and she was ready to take charge of her life and fucking roar.
She was startled when her phone rang, and she scrambled to find it among her boxes. Jenna’s name and picture flashed on her screen.
“Don’t kill me for leaving,” Bella said before Jenna could say a word. She heard Jenna say, “She answered. She answered!” Then she heard the telltale empty box sound of the call being put on speakerphone.
“God, woman. We would have gone with you. Leanna and Amy are here with me. Are you okay? Please tell me you’re okay. I tried to call you yesterday and you didn’t answer your phone.” Jenna’s voice was full of worry. “I was ready to drive to Connecticut, but Amy wouldn’t let me. She said you needed to sort this out without us. Is that true?”
She heard the hurt in Jenna’s last words. “Yes, it was true. I’m so sorry, Jenna, and thank you, Amy.”
“I’ve got your back, Bells,” Amy said.
“Oh,” Jenna said quietly. “But we love you.”
“I know that. I love you guys, too. I just…I couldn’t deal with it, Jenna. I needed to clear my head, and if you guys were with me, you’d let me cry for as long as I needed to. You’d make me feel better and you’d help me figure it all out.”
“No shit, Sherlock. That’s what girlfriends are for,” Jenna said.
Sarcasm. Bella smiled. “This was something that I needed to figure out on my own. I knew you’d understand.”
“I do, but next time can you just answer your fucking phone and tell me? I cleaned my cottage for three hours, and you kn
ow it wasn’t dirty to begin with. I even had Amy mess up my shoes so I could reorganize them.”
Bella laughed. “She’s a good friend to do that for you.”
“Yeah, she is,” Jenna said.
“Bella, it’s Leanna. How are you holding up? Are you okay, or do you want us to come there and be with you?”
“I’m good, Leanna. Caden called, and we talked.”
“And?” Jenna asked.
“And it made me feel better. I know he needed that time with Evan. I finally made a decision. I turned down the job here and signed the papers to sell my house.”
“Bella. You’re doing it after all?” Jenna asked.
“I am. You know, Tony was right. I am the epitome of strength and confidence. But Caden knows me even better than I know myself. He saw right through my public persona.”
“Fate,” Leanna said. “I knew you two were meant to be together.”
“So, what about your plan?” Amy asked.
“You mean my modified plan? I don’t need a man to be whole, and I don’t need a man as a reason to make my decisions. I can want a man without needing him.” Bella knew she’d made the right decision, and she heard little happy noises that weren’t laughs or squeals, but were the types of sounds that came straight from that happy place rooted deep inside her friends. She imagined them holding hands, smiling for her, with her, and waiting with bated breath for the rest of her decision.
“And?” Jenna finally asked.
“And I want Caden.”
THE NEARER BELLA got to Caden’s house, the faster her heart raced. This was it. Her now or never moment. This was her life, and she was going to tell him exactly what she thought of his needing a break. She drove down Route 6 and turned down the side road toward his house. She was breathing so hard she had to pull over for a minute just to take a few deep breaths.
Seaside Dreams (Love in Bloom: Seaside Summers, Book One) Page 27