by Shari Low
She didn’t finish the sentence, and she didn’t have to. He’s going to need his friends to help him get sober. To support him if he keeps screwing up. To bail him out when he inevitably gets into some alcohol-fuelled situation that ends up with a stone bed in a cold cell.
Today I was glad that he was with us. Across the font, I could see that his eyes were bloodshot, his tie was askew, but there was a glimpse of the old Justin, the guy who’d been part of us for so long.
I said a silent prayer that somehow, the responsibility of guiding my boy through his life would touch something in him and make him get to grip with his demons before it was too late.
I didn’t realise no one was listening.
Chapter Ten
An Old Flame Relights
July 2008
I had no idea how long he’d been standing at the door of the room.
I’d straightened up Molly’s sheets, then checked all her stats and marked them on the chart that hung on the end of her bed. The whole time I chatted away to her, hoping that somewhere, in some recess of her mind, my unconscious patient could hear me.
‘It’s almost nine o’clock, so your family will be here soon, Molly,’ I told her.
There were no set visiting hours in palliative care. It was important that families could spend as much time with their loved ones as possible as their time neared its end, so we worked around whatever situation presented itself. Sometimes, there was a partner, a son, a daughter, who wanted to be here twenty-four hours a day, and that was fine. Other times, there would be a mass of people, shuttling in and out, and we weren’t too strict about keeping to the maximum of four visitors in a room. Sometimes there was no one sitting by the bedside at all. Just a life that had been lived and was now going to take its last breath alone. We never knew why. It wasn’t our job to investigate someone’s circumstances, but no one should die alone. The sadness of that pulled me to them every time, and I’d do everything I could to be holding their hand as they passed.
‘I think your Trina is going to bring in that book you like – the Maeve Binchy one – and read it to you. I might pop in and listen in my break. I love a good story. Right, Molly, I’m just going to look in on everyone else and then I’ll be back. It’s a busy ward today, but don’t think I’ve forgotten about you,’ I told her.
As I turned to head out of the door, our gaze met and my grin was instant.
‘Richard! Hey!’ Not incredibly profound, but the surprise had momentarily frozen my powers of communication. Instead of trying again, I just hugged him, and was instantly gratified to realise that he smelled exactly the same as I remembered. I just hoped the fact that I’d automatically and without forethought sniffed his neck wasn’t obvious to him.
‘Good to see you Liv,’ he said. ‘You haven’t changed a bit.’
‘I’m sleep-deprived, knackered and losing the battle against wrinkles, but thank you. Your delusion is gratefully received,’ I joked, squeezing him tight. No more neck-sniffing this time. Eventually I released him. ‘What are you doing here? And I mean that in the nicest possible way.’
‘Neuro conference. Latest treatment protocols for glioblastomas.’
Our hospital was still a centre of excellence for the treatment of brain tumours, so it wasn’t unusual to hold seminars here.
‘How long are you here for?’ It would be great to round up the others and organise a gathering. Although Richard and I had only gone out together for a couple of years, Sasha and Chloe had loved him and I knew they’d be stoked to see him after all this time. Besides, it was great to have allies when attempting to extract gossip. The last I heard, he’d married to Charlotte, the woman he brought along to Chloe’s wedding.
‘Leaving tomorrow morning,’ he said. ‘Don’t suppose you’ve got a free night tonight? We could have dinner?’
For once, the stars were aligned. Between my shifts and taking care of Finn, nights out were rare these days, but Nate’s school had broken up yesterday for summer, so he’d offered to have Finn stay over at his house for a couple of days to let me get some time to myself and some sleep. I’d jumped at the offer before he could change his mind.
‘I was just thinking that. Nate has Finn tonight, so that works. I’ll call Sasha and Chloe and see if they’re free. They’d love to see you.’
A couple of lines at the top of his nose wrinkled into a facial objection. ‘Much as I love them, I was thinking maybe just us? It’s been way too long since we caught up.’
‘Oh.’ That took me a moment to process. ‘Sure. Okay. Actually that would be nice. I can bore you to death with cute stories about my toddler and you can tell me how married life is treating you.’
‘Divorced life,’ he interjected, with another wrinkle of the nose.
‘Oh,’ I said again. ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’ Okay, inside I wasn’t. I hadn’t been sitting at home in a onesie, eating ice cream and pining for Richard over the last few years, but I’d definitely missed him.
He shrugged. ‘It’s a long story. It’ll bore you to death before we even finish our starters. Listen, I’d better get back. How about if I pick you up about seven? Do you still live in my old flat?’
‘Yes, and yes.’
‘Great,’ he grinned, reminding me just how bloody gorgeous he was when he smiled. ‘I’ll book a table at that little Italian we used to like.’
‘Okay then. It’s a date.’ The words were out before I realised they could have a different significance if taken the wrong way. ‘I mean, it’s a plan,’ I stuttered. ‘Not an actual date. A plan. An arrangement.’ Dear God, make me stop speaking.
He was still laughing when he kissed me on the cheek and then headed off down the corridor.
I was grateful that the rest of the day was way too busy to give it any thought, because the risk of mild panic was high. Single Richard. Single me. Undeniable attraction on my part, not sure about his. But he had come looking for me, hadn’t he? Nope, had to stop thinking like that. However, there was no getting away from the reality that it was… I counted Finn’s exact age and added nine months… Two years and eight months since I’d had sex. Two years and eight months! That wasn’t a drought, it was a barren wasteland.
I checked in on Molly before the end of my shift, and saw her daughter Trina, sitting on the chair beside her bed, reading the Maeve Binchy book to her mum as promised.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Trina,’ I said warmly.
‘Bye, Liv, she replied. ‘Enjoy your night off.’ Relationships were built very quickly in this ward and Trina and I had developed a lovely rapport.
At four o’clock, I got home and dumped my bags on the kitchen worktop. At five minutes past four, I went into full-scale panic mode. Richard was coming to collect me, so of course I’d have to invite him in and the house was a disaster. I’d put off all domestic chores for the last week because I knew Nate was having Finn from today, so I’d planned to catch up over the next couple of days. My eyes went to the fetching pair of red knickers dangling out of the overfilled washing basket and I winced.
I picked up the phone. ‘Chloe? Mayday. Mayday.’
‘What’s up?’ she said, clearly amused.
‘Richard is in town, he’s picking me up for dinner in just under three hours, the house looks like it’s been ransacked, my hair’s a disaster, I’ve no idea where my make-up bag is, I’ve got nothing to wear and it’s so long since I shaved my body hair that I could do with a Flymo.’
She roared with laughter. ‘Look, I can’t come help because I’m heading to the clinic…’
‘Shit, I’m a terrible friend. I should have asked you how you’re feeling about that first.’
‘I’m absolutely fine. I’m just sorting out my hormone schedule for this round, so it’s nothing to get stressed about.’
Chloe and Connor were just starting their second round of IVF. She’d been devastated when the first round failed, but in true Chloe style, she’d bounced back and was full of optimism that this time wo
uld be a success.
‘Okay, well, you know I’m here any time if you need me,’ I promised. ‘Except tonight – tonight I’m going out and being a grown-up, if I can work miracles in the next three hours. Have you got a Flymo?’
She laughed again. ‘Nope. I’m sure he’ll be so blinded by your beauty and charm that he won’t notice you’ve got legs like fur.’
‘I’m hanging up now. Good luck at the clinic and I love you.’
‘I love you too. Have a great night and call me with a full report tomorrow.’
I hung up and attempted to squash my panic by switching into super-clean mode. The laundry basket was half emptied into the washing machine, then tucked into the cupboard it was supposed to live in. The ironing pile was thrust in next to it. I loaded the dishwasher, emptied the bins, cleared and cleaned all the surfaces, made the bathroom presentable, then ran around the entire house with a hoover – and I did the whole lot at double speed.
House transformed, there was just over an hour to perform the same level of repair and restoration on myself. It would be touch and go.
I pulled a brand-new shaver out of the depths of my bathroom cabinet, then jumped in the shower. Ten minutes later, and a whole lot of follicles fewer, I was back out, hair and body clean and smelling of coconut body wash. I slapped on some lotion from the same range, hoping that it wasn’t coconut overload that would leave me smelling like a shot of Malibu. I blasted my hair with the dryer for a few minutes until it was just damp, then left it to fall into its natural waves. My make-up bag was located under the bed, no idea how it got there, and by some divine intervention, at the back of my wardrobe I found a favourite white, off-the-shoulder top. It was made of a crepe fabric so it hadn’t crushed in the couple of years since I’d last worn it. I threw it on, added a pair of dark-wash flared jeans that Sasha had once assured me made my arse look smaller, and strappy heels. I immediately saw the flaw in the plan and slapped a dab of red nail varnish on my toenails.
I’d just added a sleeve of silver bangles when the doorbell rang. Richard had clearly made a bit of an effort too. He was looking way too good in his black jeans, with a casual white shirt, and his wavy hair had been coaxed back off his face. He was a bloke who hated any kind of hair products or fuss, so this made me strangely impressed.
‘Come in, I just need to grab my bag.’
Bag! Bollocks. Hadn’t thought of that. The one I used for everyday purposes was the size of a holdall and could accommodate enough stuff for a weekend break for five. It was also full of motherhood supplies: wipes, Calpol, nappy bags, et cetera. I needed to make an emergency dash back to the wardrobe and find one that was more appropriate to the occasion. This required stalling tactics.
‘There’s a beer in the fridge, if you fancy a drink before we go,’ I told him.
He nodded. ‘Sure.’
I dashed upstairs, found a black leather bag from my pre-child days, and headed down to the kitchen.
He had a beer in hand and had poured me a glass of wine from a bottle Sasha had left in the fridge when she was over a few nights before.
‘Wine okay?’ he asked, making no comment about the fact that I was currently delving into my everyday tote, pulling out essentials like purse, keys, and phone, and tossing them in the clutch that I’d just brought downstairs.
‘Yes, it’s great, thanks.’
I’d wondered if this would feel awkward or unfamiliar but it didn’t at all.
I pulled out a bar stool at the kitchen island and he did the same, so he was sitting facing me.
‘So how’re Chloe and Sasha then?’ he asked fondly.
‘Chloe and Connor are blissfully happy and starting their second round of IVF, today actually, so we’re praying it works this time…’
‘That explains why she wasn’t in A&E when I popped down to see her today. Tell her I send my love. And Sasha? Did she and Justin ever work it out?’
I shook my head. ‘Nope. A five-year affair is a tough one to come back from. Sasha was done with him as soon as she found out.’
‘I get that,’ he said. ‘Just a shame though. They were a great couple.’
‘Talking of which…’ I hadn’t been going to raise it until later, but I was dying to know. ‘Charlotte?’
‘Ah, yes. Not my biggest success,’ he said ruefully.
‘What happened? I mean, if you want to talk about it.’
I really hoped he did – the suspense was killing me.
‘She got offered an incredible job in Dubai a year after we married and she took it.’
My chin must have come close to hitting the breakfast bar.
‘To be honest, I didn’t blame her. Between her job and my job, we saw each other for about ten minutes every second week. The only prolonged, quality time we actually spent together was our honeymoon, and even then, there were signs that we weren’t compatible. She wanted to go on walking tours.’
‘Oh that’s criminal. Holidays are for sun loungers and pina coladas.’
His eyes crinkled as he grinned and my libido experienced a definite lurch. And I could see by the way he was looking at me that…
Focus. Focus. Back to the conversation.
‘It’s a shame though to let jobs wreck a marriage,’ I said gently.
‘If we’d loved each other enough we’d have found a way to make it work. We didn’t.’
It was a good point. Hadn’t Nate and I experienced a similar lack of conviction? And hadn’t the whole ‘long distance relationships don’t work’ thing been the very reason Richard and I had called it a day when he moved to Manchester?
I kicked off my sandals, and realised I was entirely comfortable and happy right here, in this moment.
‘Do you want to talk about this anymore?’ I asked him.
‘Nope,’ he said, laughing.
‘Okay. So we have two choices. We could leave now and go to the restaurant…’
He nodded. ‘Or…?’
‘Or we could stay here, phone in a takeaway, and…’ I didn’t get to finish because he leaned over, and softly put his mouth on mine and now he was kissing me so slowly and sexily it made my bangles jangle.
We never did get around to phoning in a takeaway.
Chapter Eleven
Sasha’s birthday
October 2009
‘I swear to God, if a waiter or waitress comes out of those swingy doors with a birthday cake, I’m flipping this table,’ Sasha warned.
‘That’s what I’ve always loved about you, doll,’ I told her. ‘Your carefree attitude and general love of life.’
She scowled at me, making me laugh even more. ‘Just tell me how long I have to stay here, pretending to enjoy the fact that we’re celebrating my ancient age…’
‘Sasha, you’re thirty-nine, not 109’ Chloe chided.
‘…before I can go call up my personal trainer and ask him to come round and plank on top of me?’
The people at the next table didn’t seem impressed by our admittedly loud cackles.
‘Right, pay attention, because I have news,’ Chloe announced.
‘Oooh, I love…’ my words drifted off to silence when I spotted Nate weaving through the restaurant tables toward us. The panic was instant. ‘What’s wrong? Is Finn okay? Where is he?’
Nate was supposed to have him overnight tonight, so that Chloe and I could take Sasha out for her ‘advancing years’ celebration. Whether she wanted to be here or not.
Nate looked totally flustered. ‘He’s fine, he’s fine, don’t worry,’ he said, doing nothing to dispel my worry at all. ‘I called Maisie and she came over to watch him.’ Maisie was a young student nurse I’d met when she was doing a rotation on my ward, and who supplemented her earnings by babysitting. ‘I hope you don’t mind, but we went to meet her at your house and she says she’ll stay with Finn until you get home.’
Bang went my late night on the town, but right now I was too concerned to care. ‘Of course, that’s fine…’
He c
ut me off with, ‘And I tried to call you, but it was going straight to answer phone.’
‘There’s no signal in here,’ I explained hastily. ‘So what’s happened?’
For the first time he paused and took a breath before he spoke. ‘It’s Justin.’
‘What about him?’ Sasha answered, alarm written all over her face. They’d been apart for five years, but time – and many group gatherings – had mellowed her fury and they’d actually managed to get on to a civil, almost friendly footing. The hostility had all been based on pain, but I knew there was a part of her that would always care about him – especially as we could all see that, despite his protestations, his drinking was still out of control.
‘I don’t know the details, but he’s in hospital. A&E. Apparently, he got suspended from his job today for turning up drunk, went on a bender, got into some kind of fight and now he’s in hospital. He managed to give the nurses my number and they called me, but he’s not in a good way. I need to go. Liv, I’m sorry…’
‘Don’t be! Of course you need to…’
‘I’m coming with you,’ Sasha blurted.
Nate was clearly taken aback by this. ‘Are you sure?’
‘I’m sure,’ she said.
‘Oh thank God,’ I said. ‘We’re coming too.’ There was no way we were leaving my son’s godfather in hospital without us by his side. He was family. Good times and bad.
Chloe nodded. ‘Let’s go. I haven’t had anything to drink, so I’ll bring my car. I’ll follow you there. I’ll call Connor on the way.’ Connor was in London on business and due back on the last flight.
Nate’s shoulders sagged with relief. He’d tried to do everything he could for Justin, he really had. Even after the affair, Nate had stood by him. Justin had moved into a flat in the city centre, right next to his office, and Nate would go there, take him to the gym as often as Justin would go. Like me, he’d tried to persuade him to get help, but Justin wouldn’t even consider it. And even when Justin brushed him off or raged at him, Nate still went back for more. He’d been a great friend to him when most other people would have written Justin off years ago. Even his brother, Jake, had washed his hands of him after too many drunken fights and late-night arguments, and so had all the mates who used to love his partying ways when we were younger.