by Shari Low
‘For them,’ she said. ‘But I do want to find a way to stop you from going, so maybe for me too.’
Richard adopted a furrowed brow, as he humoured us by pretending to give the idea serious consideration. ‘Tempting. But I’d hate myself in the morning because deep down I’d know it was for all the wrong reasons. And then I’d have to leave anyway to escape the pain of rejection.’
‘I much preferred it when blokes weren’t in touch with their emotions,’ Sasha drawled. ‘Actually, Justin still isn’t…’
The mention of his name made us all look in his direction, and to my relief, he was chatting to Nate now, with no sign of the icy blonde work colleague. Thank God. Spectacle averted. Jealousy genie back in the bottle. I’d never understand the volatile lack of trust between them. Sasha had been completely faithful since the moment they met, and of course Justin had too. He just wasn’t the type to play around. Their relationship was stormy, but it was passionate too and I had total faith that neither of them would be stupid enough to do anything to jeopardise what they had. For as long as I’d known her, Sasha had been adamant that she didn’t see the point of a marriage contract, but there had never been any doubt that – occasional bumps aside – they were both in this for life.
Sasha glanced over too, and when she saw Justin with Nate, her shoulders dropped from ‘stressed’ to her default setting of ‘generally irritable’. Thankfully, it was enough to make her annoyance dissipate and her brain switch to less confrontational areas of concern.
‘Chloe, will you come help me get the rest of the hot food out of the oven? Liv, I’d ask you, but you’re… you’re…’ she was struggling to be tactful and then failed completely. ‘Last time you dropped a lasagne and put the chicken on the same plate as the prawns. Set my OCD off for a week,’ she blurted. ‘No offence.’
‘None taken.’
They wandered off and left just Richard, me and a plate of assorted treats from the buffet.
‘Sandwich?’ he offered.
‘Absolutely. I plan to consume serious calories today. If I’m eating, I can’t argue with Nate over my pregnancy.’
‘You’re pregnant?’ he asked, surprised.
‘Nope. That’s why we’re arguing. Pass me a ham and pickle please.’
His infectious laugh was one of the things I loved about him. I so wished I could tweak Chloe’s libido and make her fall for this lovely guy. And no, pointing out that he was a complete catch didn’t help – I’d tried that many times. I’d also tried listing his attributes – smart, funny, decent, kind, handsome, toned torso, great chat, and already willing to put up with the rest of our group. Nothing worked. He just wasn’t Chloe’s type. He wasn’t Connor.
‘I’m sad that you’re leaving us,’ I said. ‘We’ll miss you.’
‘It’s only a few hours away. I’ll come back and visit. And you lot can always come down and stay with me. It’s not like I’m cutting off all ties. Well, maybe with Sasha, but that’s only because she scares me,’ he joked.
‘She scares me too, but it’s too late for me, I’m in too deep. Perhaps you’re right – save yourself and don’t look back.’
He laughed at this and enveloped me in a hug. ‘I’ll miss you too,’ he said warmly, before pulling back and…
I don’t know how to describe it without sounding completely Mills and Boon, but he looked at me, I looked at him, and there was a moment.
That was the only way to describe it. A fleeting, momentary something that passed between us.
I had no idea if he felt it too, all I know is that it made my stomach twinge, my mouth smile and then it was gone and we were back to normal.
I searched his face for any sign of acknowledgement but there was none.
Whatever I thought that was, I’d imagined it. I must have.
Anyway, I was a happily married woman. My husband was right over there, deep in conversation with Justin and Lee, and he’d probably moved on now to discussing other parts of my reproductive system. If my fallopian tubes started burning I’d know why.
‘So tell me about this argument with Nate then,’ Richard said, genuinely interested.
‘He wants to have a baby, I’m not ready yet.’
Richard thought about that for a moment. ‘Then you should wait until it’s the right time for you.’
I sighed, unsure whether to continue this conversation. We were standing in the middle of a lawn on a sunny day – hardly the right time for discussing innermost fears and feelings. So of course, I switched to my fall-back position of flippant humour.
‘Oh I will. I’ve scheduled in deep, contemplative thought about my future for a week next Tuesday in between The Bill and painting my toenails during Question Time.’
He smiled, then paused, like there was something he wanted to say but this wasn’t the time. Or perhaps the ‘moment’ thing had just freaked me out and I was reading too much into this.
‘Just be you, Liv. You’ll make the right decision. You always do.’
Did I?
I glanced over at Nate again, laughing now with an even bigger group of guys. I was right to stay with him, wasn’t I? Sure, we weren’t perfect, but we were making it work. No relationship went through the years unscathed. Look at Justin and Sasha – they stuck together despite the occasional derailment. Lee and The Overachiever made it work. And…
My eyes went off to the side hedge of the garden, where the blonde bob was standing alone, smoking, looking like she was balancing the world on her shoulders. There was someone who wasn’t making it work. I felt a pang of sympathy. My mind went back to a comment she’d made about a boyfriend. I couldn’t remember the details, but I just hoped that whoever was making her this unhappy got his comeuppance.
Chapter Six
Liv’s Ward
July 2004
I’d looked in on Jessie and Al every hour or so since I’d come on shift this morning. ‘He’s doing fine, love,’ she’d say, and I’d give her a cup of tea or a glass of water and squeeze her hand.
We both knew he wasn’t doing fine and we both knew that this was her way of getting through the day. She’d told me that they were born only five days apart, and only streets away from each other in a town called Renfrew. Their mothers had known each other and they’d gone to the same school. Over seventy years of seeing each other almost every day. Now, she still had plenty to say to him. She talked to him from morning until night, recounting every moment of their lives together, she brushed his wispy white hair, she shaved his face, she held his hand and she told him he was doing fine and they’d get through this.
I hoped that despite his unconscious mind, he could hear her. Al had been battling advanced prostate cancer for many months. It had metastasised, spread to his bones, lymph nodes and liver, and now infection had taken hold. His organs were failing and it was only a matter of time. Maybe hours, maybe days, maybe longer – but always with Jessie by his side.
‘I’m going off shift soon, Jessie,’ I told her, when I checked on her at 8 p.m. Today had been my fifteenth on the trot because we were hopelessly short-staffed on the ward.
If I were being honest, there was part of me that was glad of the escape. If I was here, then I wasn’t at home and Nate and I weren’t arguing. We’d bicker about everything. Whose turn it was to put the batteries in the remote control. Who’d overloaded the washing machine. Where we should go on holiday next year. The list was endless. But what we were really bickering about was still my reluctance to commit to starting a family. How long could we keep having the same argument? It had been years since he first suggested that we try for a baby, and I wasn’t getting any closer.
So being at work was good, even when it broke my heart.
I watched Jessie’s sad smile cross her face. ‘All right then, love. Will you be here tomorrow?’
‘I will.’
‘That’s good. It helps to have a familiar face. Al was never great with strangers. That’s why I always talk so much, he says – making
up for the fact that he could be shy. Imagine, a big strapping man like this being shy,’ she said, and a little bit of my heart chipped off.
I made a split-second decision, then crossed the room and settled into the armchair at the other side of the bed. I was needed here. ‘I don’t have to leave just yet though. I’ll stay and keep you company for a while.’
‘You don’t?’
‘I don’t.’ The truth was I’d told Nate I’d be home for dinner for the first time this week, but he’d understand. No matter how different our opinions on so many things, he was a kind, big-hearted, thoughtful guy and I knew he’d do the same if he were here right now.
Jessie gave me another sad smile. ‘Then that would be lovely, pet. I’m sure my Al must be sick of hearing just my voice all day long.’
‘Oh I’m sure he isn’t,’ I assured her gently. ‘Do you want to go home and have a break?’ I asked her. ‘I’ll stay with him until you get back.’ She’d been sleeping on a camp bed at the side of his bed for a week now, nipping home in the mornings for half an hour to shower and sort out food for the rest of the day. ‘Maybe even get a few hours’ sleep in your own bed?’ I suggested.
She leaned over and adjusted the collar of Al’s pyjama top as she spoke. ‘No thanks, Liv.’ I’d told her to call me by my first name when they’d arrived here from the general ward. This was no place for formality. ‘I’d rather be here with Al. If I were home I’d just be wishing I’d stayed here with him. We’ve never been ones for doing things separately. Especially since the girls left home.’
Jessie’s girls. She’d told me all about them. Hannah, who lived in London now, and Sarah, who’d emigrated to Australia after falling in love with an Aussie ten years before. The two girls were on their way. Hannah was flying in the next morning, Sarah in the afternoon. I was glad that Jessie would have them here. No one should go through this alone.
‘You must have missed them when they first left home,’ I said. Some family members preferred to sit in silence with their own thoughts, but Jessie wasn’t one of them. She liked to chat and conversation passed the time.
‘Och, I did, love, but Al and I had loads of things we wanted to do. Two cruises a year. He loved his ships. Put on ten pounds every time, mind you.’ Her eyes glistened at the memory. ‘And we went out for dinner every Saturday, sometimes on a weeknight too if the telly was rubbish. And we visited all the places around the country that we’d never seen. We enjoyed ourselves so much. We even visited Sarah every year in Australia and had lots of weekends down seeing our Hannah in London. We made the most of it all. At least we can say that.’ Her voice cracked on the last word, so I let that memory sit with her, knowing that she’d need all of those thoughts to keep her going in the coming weeks and months.
‘We’d just booked our next holiday the week before he got really sick. One of those huts over the sea in some tropical place…’ Two tears were rolling down her cheeks now. ‘Bugger, I can never remember what it’s called. Al booked it all. One minute he was talking about the things we’d do and the next minute he was…’ She was fighting to stay in control, struggling to get the words out. ‘It was… this.’ She had both his hands in hers now. ‘Look at me, all these tears. He’d be telling me to dry my eyes, that it’ll all look better in the morning. That’s what he’d say when things went wrong. ‘Don’t worry, Jessie, it’ll all look better in the morning.’ He was right. It always did. But not this time. Not this time.’
‘Your girls will be here tomorrow, Jessie,’ I said softly.
She nodded firmly. ‘They need to see him. He’s a great dad, you know. He loves all of us. “His girls”, he called us. He never let us down, not ever. He was steady as a rock.’
Steady as a rock. I could use the same words to describe Nate. I was all highs and lows and sharp turns and unexpected detours, and he was a constant line. The very thing that Jessie loved about her man was the thing I struggled with most. Different generation, maybe. Or perhaps just different expectations. All I knew was that if I’d spent a lifetime with Nate and I still had things to tell him and adventures to have when we were in our seventies, then surely that was a lucky life to have lived? Why was I wasting time with all this marriage angst, when Nate and I should just be getting on with enjoying every day and making the most of our lives together?
I stayed with Jessie until she fell asleep, holding hands across the bed with Al, then I slipped out.
On the way home, I’d usually make the same round of calls – Sasha, Chloe, Ida – but Sasha and Justin were on a two-week holiday in the Seychelles. Those two knew how to live. I used my hands-free keypad to call Ida first.
‘Hello my darling,’ she chirped. ‘You must have been reading my mind! I was just about to call you.’
‘Because you were missing me?’ I joked, knowing that definitely wouldn’t be the answer.
‘No, love…’ No surprise, and I couldn’t help but smile at her bluntness. ‘I just wanted to ask… All these online dating websites that are around these days – do you think the people who sign up for them just want sex?’
In my thirties, and she could still shock me silent.
‘Are you still there, Olivia?’
‘Yep, I’m just scared to find out what you want the answer to that question to be.’
Her raucous cackle made me smile. ‘You know, maybe you’re not the person to ask about these things. I’ll call Sasha – she’s much more switched on. Bye, darling, love you!’
Click. She hung up before I could even point out that Sasha was still on holiday. Not that it would matter – Ida would have Interpol track Sasha down just so she could ask if she thought Bill from Dundee, age fifty-five, GSOH, wanted to get naked on the first date.
In need of some sanity, I pressed speed dial to the next number on my list. Chloe. ‘Hey lovely, how’s your day going?’
‘Sore,’ she replied.
‘Sore? Why what happened? Did you get hurt at work?’ A feeling of dread rose from my trainers. Chloe had finally got her transfer to A&E and she loved it, but there was no denying the danger she faced there every shift. Drunk and high patients. Gang members being brought in, still fighting. Warring family members carrying on disputes even when both sides had bloody wounds from the altercation. And Chloe was in the middle of it all, facing every unpredictable outburst or action, in an environment that no amount of training could prepare for. She’d already suffered a mild concussion when a raging drunk had knocked her out of the way and she’d hit a wall at speed. And she’d been pushed to the ground by a furious father who felt his child wasn’t been dealt with quickly enough. Yet, she loved her job, and hadn’t regretted moving to A&E for a second because she said the positives outweighed the negatives all day long.
‘Nope, I pulled a muscle trying to commando crawl out of the restaurant before my blind date realised I was leaving.’
My laughter came from both relief and amusement. ‘Oh God. That bad?’ Chloe had been tentatively back on the dating scene for a couple of years now, but none of her encounters had come to anything. I wasn’t sure if she was unlucky or way too picky.
‘Worse. He talked about himself for two full hours. Two! And for most of that he wouldn’t make eye contact because he was too busy admiring himself in the mirror behind me. I’m seriously considering giving up.’
‘You should speak to my mum – she’s decided to try online dating. I’m trying to block that thought from my mind.’
Chloe laughed. ‘Good idea. Although, maybe she’s on to something. At least I could weed out the bores before I buy a new outfit and get my hair done.’
‘Where did this date come from?’ I asked.
‘One of the porters in work. It’s his cousin. Yep, that’s what I’m reduced to – everyone I’ve ever met is trying to set me up on a sympathy date.’
I bit my bottom lip, then decided to just say what I was thinking. ‘You know, babe, Nate was talking to Connor last week…’
‘Don’t say it!’ s
he stopped me. ‘I’m not going over to Chicago to track down an ex who is clearly so interested in me that I haven’t heard a word from him since the moment he got on a plane a gazillion years ago. I’m desperate but not that desperate.’ There was a pause and I knew what was coming next. ‘Is he seeing anyone?’
I tried to remember what little information I’d gleaned from Nate after the last call. They’d spent nearly an hour on the phone and apparently fifty-five minutes of that was sports-talk, and five minutes was stuff that didn’t involve a ball.
‘Some girl that he works with – but I’m sure it’s not serious.’
‘Did he say that?’ She was trying to sound nonchalant and failing miserably.
‘No, not exactly, but…’ In fact, he’d told Nate he’d been seeing this woman for a couple of months and it was working out well so far, but Chloe didn’t need to hear that. Call me an eternal romantic, but I just still thought that if they saw each other again…
Of course, for that to happen they’d need to be in the same country. I wished for the umpteenth time that she would just jump on a plane, go there, and see him face to face. At least then she would know if there was a chance for them. And if not, she could move swiftly on and be completely open to meeting someone new.
‘There you go then,’ Chloe said with finality. ‘Case closed.’
‘Okay, well get some Deep Heat on the dating injury and have an early night,’ I said, trying to cheer her up. ‘I’ll come find you for lunch tomorrow. I’m on another double.’
‘Yay! It’s mince in the staff canteen. That’ll be the best date I’ve had this week.’
She was still laughing when I hung up and pulled into our driveway.
Nate was still awake and in the living room.
‘Hey babe. Did you get my text?’ I asked him.
‘Yeah, I got it.’ That surprised me. He was hopeless with technology and hated his mobile phone with a passion. Said it was too intrusive and he’d rather talk to people face to face.
Maybe it was the lighting, or just the emotional drainage of a tough day, but for a moment I thought he’d never looked more handsome. He was lying on the couch, in shorts and a T-shirt, a Christopher Brookmyre thriller lying open on his chest. This was when he was most relaxed. Exams over, sports tournaments and leagues finished, sixth years gone and another school year done. Although, in four out of the six weeks of the school holiday, he volunteered at a local sports centre three hours a day, running a summer camp for kids. It was just pure enjoyment for him.