by Shari Low
Sasha laughed. ‘You won’t be saying that when we’re in the presidential suite of a five-star hotel in Bora Bora.’
I loved her. I just did.
‘Listen, I just wanted to say thank you,’ she said.
That caught me off guard.
‘For what?’
‘For not minding that Nate spends so much time at our house these days. It’s honestly the only thing that keeps me sane.’
It had happened gradually over the last year, all part of a strategy Chloe, Nate and I had worked out to give Sasha some more moments of happiness.
Despite the fact that Justin was still adamant that he wasn’t drinking and had no desire to, she could only truly relax when she knew that Justin was okay and that he was with someone she trusted. Therefore, Nate had taken to hanging out at their house more and more, letting Sasha have a break to shop, to spa, to spend time with Chloe and me.
It was a two-pronged approach. We also hoped that having Nate around more would help Justin find a new way of existing that didn’t come with a black cloud of irritation and bitterness sitting right above his head.
Actually, it had been good for Nate too. He and Sasha were working in the same school now, and they’d both been off for six weeks of summer, so they’d spent loads of time taking Finn to the park and chilling out. Finn loved having his Auntie Dasha around, and it made the summer so much more entertaining for Nate.
So Sasha was happier, Nate was happier, I just wasn’t sure that it was working on the third party of the equation.
‘How’s he doing?’ I asked, gesturing to Justin. ‘All okay?’
She nodded. ‘I think so, but I’m making myself crazy with worrying every time he leaves the table, so I’m just going to let it go and enjoy tonight. And plan what to do with my best friend’s forthcoming fortune.’
‘That sounds like a great plan to me,’ I said, raising a toast and laughing as she clinked her glass of orange juice against mine. Our lives were not working out, we had problems to solve, but right now we had music, friends and dancing, and that was all we needed.
It was way after 3 a.m. when we broke up the after-party in the residents’ bar and Nate and I headed upstairs to – by complete coincidence – the same room we’d stayed in when we’d welcomed in the new millennium.
In the suite, I plonked on the edge of the bed and pulled off my shoes, while Nate removed his clothes, folding them perfectly.
A memory took charge of my brain and made my vocal cords articulate my thoughts.
‘You did that back then too,’ I said.
His expression told me he had absolutely no idea what I was talking about.
‘You folded your clothes. Hogmanay 1999, when we stayed here. You folded them exactly as you’re doing now.’
I didn’t mention that back then there was a slight difference because we were about to have sex. That definitely wasn’t on the cards for tonight and hadn’t been for a long time.
He placed his socks, in parallel lines, on top of his neatly folded trousers. ‘I can’t believe you remember that.’
I folded myself into the bucket chair by the window, the same one I’d slept in that night. ‘I remember everything. I remember we decided to separate, and then you changed your mind at the last minute and asked me to stay. I remember agreeing. I remember coming up here and having sex, and then spending the night sitting in this chair, terrified that I’d made a mistake. I remember blue flashing lights, coming to take away a poor girl who’d fallen and died on the way to the hospital. I remember the next morning, having breakfast and vowing I was going to make it work.’
Nate was sitting on the bed now, in just his boxers, his body still perfectly toned, thanks to daily sessions with Justin in the gym. Gorgeous. Handsome. Sexy. Yet not one iota of me wanted to be naked with him. That said everything.
‘And have you?’ he said.
‘Have I what?’
‘Have you made it work?’ he asked. That took me by surprise. I hadn’t planned to have this conversation tonight; it just seemed to have happened. And I definitely didn’t expect Nate to have any interest in discussing it. I don’t think we’d had a conversation any deeper than the choice between spaghetti hoops and fish fingers since Finn was born.
This suddenly felt like a runaway train and my foot was nowhere near the brake.
I should say it now. Be honest. Get it over with.
But today had been a celebration of love and, just like twelve years ago, I couldn’t bring myself to make it the day I walked away.
‘No.’ I replied honestly. ‘But I still hope I will.’
Chapter Fifteen
A Time To Go
May 2013
‘I’m starting to hate this bloody hotel,’ I told Sasha, as our car tyres crunched to a stop on the gravel of Lomond Grange. Exactly a year after we’d celebrated her wedding in this very venue, my mother had announced that she and George were treating us all to an anniversary weekend here, all expenses paid. We couldn’t say no, but my stomach was in knots. This was like some kind of prolonged relationship torture, played out with complimentary slippers and a minibar.
Chloe and Connor were coming down together after she got off shift, and Nate and Justin were coming straight from a football match. Finn was having a sleepover with his best friend Alfie, so Sasha and I had headed down for a couple of hours at the spa. And when I say spa, it didn’t mean that we indulged in all the extortionate treatments and pamper services. No. It meant we lay in fluffy robes at the side of the pool, sipping overpriced Prosecco, eating smuggled in chocolate and setting the world to rights.
Within half an hour of checking in, we were doing three of those things, and I finally felt the knot of tension that had been raising my shoulders up for months, start to loosen.
‘Right, here’s the chocs,’ Sasha said, pulling a box of Quality Street from her bag. ‘Don’t eat all the purple ones or I’ll…’
‘I’m going to tell Nate that it’s over,’ I blurted, cutting her off.
Without saying a word, she opened the box, pulled out a purple one and handed it over to me.
Time was up. I knew now that I couldn’t put it off any longer. There were lots of reasons. Turning forty a couple of years ago had been a time of both reflection and of looking forward to think about the life that was in front of me. Seeing my mum, and Chloe and Connor so in love made my heart pang for the same thing. Mostly, though, I wanted Finn to see what a great relationship should look like, how two people who adored each other acted when they were together: the laughs, the happiness, the love. How would he ever know what kind of relationship to aspire to if he’d had no experience of how great a healthy marriage could be? Not that he ever saw arguments or anger because there were none – but neither did he see gregarious love, uncontrollable hilarity, or the unbridled happiness and chemistry of a couple who adored each other.
Maybe this would be a huge mistake. Perhaps all those fears from years ago would come true. Maybe this was it. Maybe there wasn’t another love out there for me. But I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t try.
Sasha waited until I’d swallowed the hazelnut.
‘I think you’re crazy,’ she said. I was grateful for her timing – a few seconds earlier and there was every possibility that the combination of her reaction and a large nut could have choked me.
‘You’ve been telling me to leave him for nearly twenty years!’ I argued, stunned at her response.
She nodded, uncharacteristically pensive. ‘That was before.’
‘Before what?’ I didn’t understand.
‘Before I realised what it must be like to have someone who is solid, who is there for you, who is a thoroughly decent guy and who doesn’t come with any of the complications that men who are wrestling with issues can bring. Hanging out with Nate so much over the last few months has given me some insight into that and I think you should hang on to him with both hands and never let him go.’
If she’d announ
ced she was living a secret life as a stripper, I would have been less shocked than I was right now.
Sasha. The unconventional one with the wild streak, trying to persuade me to stay with a man who she once said had the capacity to bore us out of our buttocks.
Despite my surprise, I knew she had a point. I recognised the positives of being with Nate – they were the reasons that I’d managed to stick it out for over twenty years – but there was another issue that had now come into play.
‘I get all that,’ I told her. ‘But there’s a problem…’
‘Then get over it,’ she said.
‘I can’t. I’ve got feelings for Richard.’
It was her turn for the astonished expression.
‘No way.’
‘Way.’
‘Oh my God, Liv. Since when?’
I shrugged. ‘A while. A couple of years maybe…’
‘A couple of years! And I’m only finding this out now?’ she screeched. Two passing swimmers glanced up to see what was going on and I gave them an apologetic grimace.
‘I didn’t want to admit it to anyone. Especially myself,’ I told her. ‘Actually, I think I’ve probably been attracted to him since we first met a gazillion years ago, but over the last while we’ve been chatting on Facebook and he’s gone from being someone I’ve always loved as a friend to someone I can’t stop thinking about.’
‘And he doesn’t know?’
I shook my head. ‘Of course not. I’m sure it’s not reciprocated anyway. But just the fact that I’m feeling this way, shows that I shouldn’t be with Nate anymore. It’s not fair to him.’
She thought about that for a moment, before admitting, ‘You’re right, but I still think you’re crazy to let him go. So what happens next?’
‘I need to tell Nate.’
She popped another chocolate in her mouth.
‘When.’
‘After we get home tomorrow. I don’t want to spoil the anniversary dinner for my mum tonight. She’d be raging and she can bear a grudge for a long, long time.’
I expected more comment, more discussion, more input on Sasha’s part, but she was strangely reticent to talk about it any further. Instead, she topped up my glass. ‘Bugger it, let’s just drink too much and worry about it all tomorrow,’ she declared.
It was irresponsible. Immature. But I couldn’t think of a better plan.
Dinner passed without incident, other than my mum giving a speech that lasted twenty minutes and then snogging George in full view of a packed, very posh restaurant.
When we got back to the room, I dropped my clothes, pulled on my pyjamas and climbed in to bed, already feeling the effects of a hangover kicking in. That’s what all-day drinking did to me.
Clothes folded, Nate climbed into bed and I waited for the arm to stretch around me. A night in a hotel was usually a sure-fire occasion for our monthly sex.
His arm didn’t come.
‘Are you okay?’ I asked him, puzzled.
‘Yeah,’ he replied. ‘Of course.’
Something was off, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
I should just roll over and go to sleep. Yep, that was the plan. Absolutely. Good idea. Yet, suddenly I knew that I had to tell him and it had to be now.
‘Remember last time we were here?’ I started, trying to ease in gently, still not sure I was going to say what had to be said.
‘After your mum’s wedding?’ he asked, and I could hear his breathing, slow and steady.
‘Yes. We talked about us and…’
I paused, the words stuck in my throat. It took a few seconds for them to be released and they came tumbling out.
‘I’m so sorry, Nate, but it’s time for us to do what we should have done thirteen years ago, and let this marriage go. I’ll always love you, I truly will,’ I added genuinely. ‘But that’s not enough to sustain a lifetime together.’
Oh God, I’d said it. I’d told him. Thirteen years later I’d finally found the courage to say goodbye to this good, decent man and now my stomach was clenching as I waited for his reaction.
Eventually he spoke. ‘I know things haven’t been great over the last few years, Liv, and please don’t think it was because I didn’t love you…’
My heart sank. He was about to argue, to tell me all the reasons that we should try again, that we could make it work, and I just couldn’t let him. We couldn’t keep having the same discussion over and over. One of us had to be the one to end this and leave no room for doubt, and clearly that was going to have to be me.
‘I’m so sorry, Nate. I’ve tried, I really have. And every moment of our lives together has been worth it because we have Finn. You’re an incredible dad and watching you with him is one of the very best parts of our life. But other than our son, what do we have?’
He didn’t answer, so I ploughed on.
‘This can’t be all there is, Nate, and you must know it too. We haven’t had a marriage for years. We’ve got a friendship and a great co-parenting relationship, but we’re not a married couple. We don’t laugh together, we don’t bare our souls, and even the sex…’
I planned to leave that one there because I didn’t want to make him think I was taking pot-shots at him. Especially when he was sitting there looking like the front cover of Health & Fitness.
‘What’s wrong with the sex?’ he asked, sounding slightly exasperated.
‘It’s not that there’s anything wrong with it, but come on, Nate, what are we down to now? Once a month. It’s perfectly enjoyable, but it’s a long time since there was that passion, that “have to have you now, can’t get enough of each other” stuff. Be honest. When was the last time you looked at me and felt an urge to ravish me right there and then?’
He had the grace to look slightly sheepish and refrain from answering.
‘It’s not the way it should be, Nate. We both deserve that kind of love and passion in our lives. I can’t come to terms with the thought that this is all there is – this amenable, co-operative friendship. I see Chloe and Connor, hell I even see how flushed with love Ida is, and I want to feel that again. I want to wake up and be thrilled to be lying next to someone.’
He didn’t reply. I let the pause linger and then I decided that we were too far gone to turn back.
‘Look, Nate, let’s not discuss it tonight. We’ll talk about it all tomorrow and we’ll sort everything out in the best way possible for us and for Finn. I’ll do this any way you want. I’m so sorry, Nate,’ I said again, ‘but I just want more. For both of us.’
He lifted his gaze until it met mine and I waited for an argument that didn’t come. For the second time today, I was shocked beyond words by an unexpected reaction.
‘So do I, Liv. It’s taken me a long time to realise it and to accept it, but I agree with everything you’ve said. We tried. It didn’t work. It’s time to call it a day.’
Chapter Sixteen
Chloe and Connor’s Wedding
December 2014
It was about as different from Ida and George’s wedding as it was possible to get. Chloe had gone for complete informality. Seven of us – Sasha and Justin, Nate and I, Ida and George, and the late arrival of Richard, had congregated at the registry office, wept tears of joy when they finally, after almost two decades of knowing each other, made their vows. Afterwards, Finn’s friend Alfie’s mum came to collect him for football training and a sleepover, and the rest of us had headed to Danny’s restaurant for an incredible meal. It seemed like a strange choice, given that he was Chloe’s ex, but despite splitting years ago, they’d remained friends and he’d insisted on making this his wedding gift to them.
‘To be honest, I beg you to accept,’ he’d said, when we’d eaten there a few weeks ago and she’d shared the good news. ‘Because I’ll be cooking fecking turkey dinners for the whole of the month of December and it’ll save my sanity if you let me create something spectacular for you.’
Spectacular it was. To honour Chloe’s heritage
, there was jerk chicken and fried plantains, ackee and saltfish and coco bread. To honour Connor’s heritage, there was Angus beef, and crisp roast potatoes, haggis and neeps, and a thick whisky sauce. And for dessert, there was a mango cheesecake and a huge apple crumble. The latter wasn’t particularly Scottish but it was Connor’s favourite.
Despite the fractured relationships sitting round the table, it was a wonderful day, all tension put to one side to celebrate Chloe and Connor.
Only the very perceptive would see that Sasha and Justin could barely look at each other, or that Nate and I no longer had that unspoken easiness of a married couple. We’d been separated for over a year now, and it had been hard but made bearable by the fact that we knew we were doing the right thing and we’d stayed on good terms throughout it all.
None of that mattered today. We ate, we drank, Ida sang ‘Endless Love’ and made Chloe cry, and it was almost a surprise when Connor announced that it was time for them to leave for the airport.
It had been our wedding gift to them. We’d all contributed to return flights to Jamaica, where Chloe and Connor would do all this again with her family. My sore heart was bursting with happiness for them. She’d got her happy ever after and she deserved every moment of this.
We hugged them tight before we waved them off in a taxi and trooped back inside the restaurant. I’d have been happy to call it a night, and I could see the strain showing around Sasha’s eyes too, but Ida had other ideas.
‘I’ve ordered another round of drinks and they’re on the way,’ she announced. At Justin’s insistence, we’d abandoned our teetotal policy for the day. Ida, still commanding the room, rounded on Richard. She’d always been fond of him – we all had – and now, looking back, we could all see that those years of wishing he and Chloe would get together had been a waste of time. There had only ever been one man for her. I was pleased about that for very secret and selfish reasons. ‘Right Doctor Campbell, I need your opinion,’ Ida announced and I held my breath. She was such a drama queen that anything could come out of her mouth. ‘I’m thinking of getting a boob job.’