by Fiona Roarke
10 Things Aliens
Hate About You
Alienn, Arkansas 4
Fiona Roarke
Valvoline Ethyl Grey, the youngest sibling and only daughter in the Grey clan, knows the rules when it comes to Alpha-human relationships—it’s fine to have a little fun, just don’t get too attached, unless you want a one-way ticket back to a homeworld that’s never been home.
Skeeter Bite Sheriff Wyatt Campbell is as easygoing as they come, but even he has his limits. At first he thought Vee wanted to keep their romance under wraps to protect him from a butt-kicking from one—or all—of her six brawny older brothers. Since they seem to like him well enough, that can hardly be the case. Now he just has to convince his commitment-shy girlfriend to take a chance. She already has his heart. Why not his ring?
A woman raised among oblivious humans in a super-secret alien colony in Alienn, Arkansas should know better than to have a super-secret love affair with a human, let alone a sheriff. But strong-willed Valene is all too weak when it comes to a certain tall, blond and utterly scrumptious lawman.
Although he comes to her family’s aid when they need him most and vows to keep the secret from other humans that aliens live among them, Valene is determined to sacrifice her love for Wyatt’s greater good.
Wyatt has other plans.
10 Things Aliens Hate About You
Alienn Arkansas 4
Copyright © 2019 by Fiona Roarke
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including photocopying, recording, or information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writing from the author.
This book is a work of fiction. The characters, organizations, events, and places portrayed in this book are products of the author’s imagination and are either fictitious or are used fictitiously. Any similarity to a real person, living or dead is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.
ISBN: 978-1-944312-23-7
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Table of Contents
10 THINGS ALIENS HATE ABOUT YOU
About the Book
Copyright
Dedication
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Epilogue
About the Author
About ALIENS ACTUALLY
More NOCTURNE FALLS UNIVERSE Books
ALIENN, ARKANSAS Series
BAD BOYS IN TROUBLE Series
To my devoted readers who have waited so long for this book, thank you for loving my alien world hiding in plain sight in Arkansas.
Chapter One
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Skeeter Bite, Arkansas – Home of the 27th Annual Southern Arkansas Chili Cook-off
Valene Grey, along with the rest of the assembled chili cook-off crowd, waited with barely contained anticipation to hear the judge declare the big winner.
“And the winner of the blue ribbon—and bragging rights—for the best chili creation this year is…Southern Fried Chili from Skeeter Bite’s very own Critters Café, and owner and operator Daphne Charlene Dumont.” The judge clapped heartily along with a smattering of applause from the other judges and the crowd, most of it from the Critters Café staff over by their chili stand.
Daphne Charlene squealed with joy and raced up the handful of stairs to join the judges. “Thank you all so much! I’m honored, of course, since this is my first time even entering a contest.”
She accepted the blue ribbon and a sizeable winnings envelope with another squeal, waiting with a huge grin on her face for the photographer to get a shot of her with the judges and her prize. While she seemed sincere, her acceptance speech did not go over well with the other contestants.
A hush fell over the crowd…for about three seconds after her exuberant acceptance speech. The flash of the local newspaper’s photographer taking the picture seemed to light up the crowd. Until then, Valene thought they all looked like they were in shock over the stunning announcement. One camera flash and their true feelings came out with a vengeance.
“There is no way that slop is the best chili this year,” came a cranky yet familiar voice from the center of the assembled group. Do I know that voice? Valene Grey contemplated who it could be, or rather, who it probably was, but didn’t have time to fully evaluate that notion before the restless mob of participants and chili lovers devolved into an accusatory shouting match.
The lead judge frowned. “It is the best one. All five of us judges agreed. It was unanimous.” Behind him, looking nervous, the other four judges nodded in agreement, their eyes on the audience with clearly growing concern.
“No! You’re dead wrong! My creation is the best one,” shouted a nearby participant. “I’ve never lost with my secret recipe.”
“You’re crazy. I should be the winner. My chili is best!” screamed another angry chili contestant, flinging a filled sample bowl at the first guy.
A gloppy spatter of Hoe Down’s Best Hot Chili sprayed the front of Valene’s pink T-shirt en route to its intended target, the owner of Chuckle Charlie’s Chili Shed. Looking down at the mess dripping down her chest and already soaking though to the skin in several places, Valene knew her favorite top was about to become a rag-bag candidate.
Chili stains were forever.
Valene looked up just in time to duck as Chuckle Charlie himself hurled a bowl of chili that arced through the air toward the initiator of the battle. Valene shot a glance behind her, and watched as another innocent victim of the now crazed chili vendetta—an older gentlemen wearing thick glasses—was splattered in the face. He took his glasses off, revealing blinking eyes and the wrinkled bridge of his nose as the only parts of his face not covered in sauce. A large glob of chili slid from his forehead down his nose.
Aunt Dixie—right in the middle of the pandemonium, because where else would she be—tried to help calm the savage crowd, but her quiet voice went unheard in the general melee. Her ever-present partner in crime and helper, Miss Penny, also tried to soothe the mob. That lasted for all of two seconds before the elderly ladies exchanged knowing smiles and joined the fray, chucking tasting cup after tasting cup of Maxwell the Martian’s Favorite Chili at the combatants.
It was a sad fate for Alienn, Arkansas’s signature chili recipe, courtesy of the Cosmos Café, which advertised it as, “Chili worth traveling the cosmos for a single taste.” The tagline was even emblazoned on the menu board above the café’s pass-through window to the kitchen.
Valene could only stare in disbelief. Sure, the rivalries inspired by the annual chili contest were legendary, and the competitors could be downright scary. But this was something else. The contestants seemed more unhappy than usual with the judges’ choice of blue-ribbon winner.
Was it because Daphne Charlene was young? Really pretty? Any man’s dream come true? Perhaps those factors contributed to the sour grapes on such flagrant display, but more than likely it was because it was the new business owner’s first time entering a contest up against a wide field of coo
ks who were more seasoned in local contest circles. Perhaps having a newbie come in and steal the show was a pill too bitter to swallow. Whatever the reason, the discussion wouldn’t be settled by hurling bowls of chili at one another.
Daphne Charlene Dumont, first-time chili cook-off contestant, had won over the judges with her southern-fried chili bowl fair and square, Valene figured. Basically, she took small pieces of pork and beef deep-fried in a corn bread batter and added them to her chili, putting extra pieces on top for garnish. Valene had tried a blind taste test sample earlier and thought it was delicious, but she didn’t dare admit that to any of the incensed contest losers.
Daphne Charlene’s chili caused an uproar almost the instant the scent of hot peppers and savory meat hit the air. All twenty-nine of her opponents cried foul over Daphne Charlene’s methods, saying that adding fried corn bread was cheating. The lead judge disagreed. “I’m the deciding judge here and I not only choose the winner, I choose the contestants.”
He was trying to repeat his bold statement now, shouting as best he could to be heard over the din as kidney beans and scarlet sauce flew through the air in a display more gruesome than any war zone. “This chili is the best one for this year’s contest. And if you don’t like it, too bad! My judgment is final.”
“Food fight!” shrieked the familiar voice in the crowd and things went from bad to worse. Valene had a moment to be thankful there were only thirty booths set up for the event. The sponsors had put a cap on the number of participants due to the space available for public parking. Otherwise, there would be quite a few more than thirty booths to snatch tasty chili missiles from. Well, twenty-nine booths.
A battalion’s worth of projectiles in the form of bowls, cups and other containers of chili went airborne for another volley into the scattering crowd.
Anarchy ruled.
Valene stared at the senseless chili warfare display and wondered how she got here. It wasn’t like she hadn’t sort of expected things to erupt into chaos. Admittedly, she hadn’t expected a chili bowl food fight, but bad luck and trouble often seemed to follow her these days.
That didn’t used to be true. She’d had regular, average luck her whole life. Lately, not so much.
Perhaps her new sister-in-law’s parents had put an Alpha alien curse on her because of what had happened at Axel’s wedding several months back. Even though Axel and his new wife were completely delighted. What else could Valene have done? It wasn’t like she could stand by while her brother was forced to marry the sister of the woman he loved. Axel and Lucy were much more suited to each other, and Francine insisted she was better off, too, though she’d paid a very high price for refusing to marry Axel. Axel’s in-laws eventually warmed to the idea, somewhat—because they basically had to—but seeing as how Valene had been instrumental in how things had turned out during that whole wedding affair, it was feasible someone in the universe wasn’t very happy with her.
She had no regrets.
A column of warm chili slammed into her shoulder and dripped down her arm, pulling her out of her stroll down memory lane and into the present. She shook most of it off, took a deep breath, walked boldly into the middle of the chaos and roared, “Enough! Stop throwing chili right now, this second!”
The mob froze in shocked silence. Then, everyone around her lowered the bowls, cups and various containers, but didn’t discard them.
“Do you all want to go to jail? This is a public park, for Pete’s sake, not a fraternity house. Stop all of this craziness before someone calls the sheriff.”
As if she’d arranged for it in advance, the thin wail of a siren rose in the distance. It was getting louder. Valene looked toward the skies, issuing a silent plea it wasn’t the sheriff. She’d cheerfully face down a deputy or a rent-a-cop or absolutely anyone other than Skeeter Bite’s chief lawman.
Someone in the crowd yelled, “It’s the cops! I’m outta here!”
Like juvenile delinquents caught standing with dripping cans of spray paint in front of a defaced wall, all around Valene folks dropped the chili bowls, cups and other containers to the ground and raced to their booths. They threw utensils, pots and leftover ingredients into the backs of the pickup trucks, SUVs and trailers that had brought them to the cook-off and made their getaways. In less than two shakes of a lamb’s tail, the better part of the chili-making crowd was racing away, honking at others doing the same thing and exiting the park with as much order as a demolition derby.
That left Valene, Aunt Dixie and Miss Penny to face law enforcement with the few remaining chili-splattered attendees.
Naturally, it had to be the sheriff of Skeeter Bite. Wyatt Campbell.
Wyatt drove in one side of the parking area as the contestants’ vehicles streamed out the opposite end. He turned off his siren, parked and got out of his official vehicle, scowling as road dust swirled in the air around him. He approached the hot zone.
Wyatt glanced around at the remaining bystanders, took in their chili-stained clothing and rueful expressions. Daphne Charlene looked bewildered. The five judges cowered on the makeshift stage. Valene, Aunt Dixie and Miss Penny stood with several other seemingly stunned folks caught in the crossfire while attending what the uninitiated might expect to be a wholesome, family-friendly public event.
“What in tarnation happened here?” he asked. His semi-choked tone told Valene he was probably doing his best to keep a big grin from coming to rest on his gorgeous lips.
She forced herself to meet his eyes. He had no idea she’d about come to the conclusion she’d have to break up with him. Not that anyone but the two of them would know, since she’d worked very hard to keep things on the down low. It was coming time to end their secret relationship. Their sweet, sexy, steaming hot secret relationship.
She was stuck. Although she’d been wracking her brains for months, she hadn’t figured out a way to sidestep the weighty—and completely unfair—rules set by Alpha-Prime or the ones enforced by her own family. Simply put, a permanent bond with Wyatt, a human, was a one-way ticket off Earth. If she couldn’t find a way, and soon, she’d have to give him up. Her heart seized for a beat at the coming loss.
She loved Wyatt. She loved her family. It was an impossible situation, being forced to choose between leaving Earth with the love of her life and staying with her family on the only world she’d ever known. While she hadn’t given up, she was close to being forced to make that very horrible decision.
Wyatt, of course, had no idea his girlfriend was an alien from Alpha-Prime.
Daphne Charlene, who watched Wyatt avidly as soon as his cruiser pulled in, suddenly raced down the steps of the gazebo to fling herself against his chest, wrapping her arms around his neck. She sobbed out a few words, then stopped trying to talk and just cried on him.
He didn’t touch her, at least not at first. Finally, he patted her back awkwardly with one palm, his gaze on Valene.
She returned his stare, knowing hers held a longing component because she was in love with him. She kept herself in check as best she could, resisting the urge to tear the other woman away from him. They were in public, and she couldn’t do anything that might give away the fact they were a couple. An on-again, off-again couple. More on than off because Valene was weak. Every time she tried to leave him or say they needed some space, she was unable to stay away from him. Valene was in love with a human and his name was Sheriff Wyatt Campbell, the operative word being human.
If she continued a romantic relationship with him and they got married, he would have to be told about the aliens that were living in Alienn, Arkansas. Her whole family had come to Earth from another planet a few generations before with the human population none the wiser. Humans on Earth were never to know about them or where they came from. No exceptions. None.
First, Wyatt would need to be told about aliens living in plain sight in Alienn, running a huge galactic way station under the Big Bang Truck Stop. Then, he’d have to agree to move with Valene to her home planet
of Alpha-Prime. If he didn’t agree, he’d be given a massive dose of drugs to make him forget all he’d learned about them, and her. He’d be released to live his human life, without her or any memory of their relationship.
It was vastly unfair. Valene wanted Wyatt with every breath she took. She hated to see him with a beautiful girl hugged up against him. She had to bite her tongue and think happy thoughts to keep from lowering her head, kicking one foot through the chili laden grass a few times before charging forward to butt the two of them apart, arena-bull style.
Wasn’t it bad enough she was named after motor oil and old gasoline? Did she have to suffer this public humiliation as well? It was a question she asked herself often. Her parents thought her name was beautiful and had no doubts. Valene had plenty of regrets.
Valvoline Ethyl Grey was the name on her birth certificate. Even with that handicap and the additional curse of six older and extremely protective brothers, she’d still managed to find the perfect man to fall in love with.
A man who loved her despite those two very unfortunate truths. A man who had a special endearment he called her when it was just the two of them alone together. A man she would likely not get to keep forever. Because he didn’t know about the most important aspect of her life. She was an alien from another planet. He was a gorgeous earthling and never the twain shall meet.