by Darrell Bain
"Now, let's see how you look in these," Donna said, plucking one of them from the bed. I put my arms through the straps and tried to hook it in back. I quickly found that there was a definite technique to getting in and out of the damned things. She showed me how to adjust it, then guided my fingers and arms through several repetitions until I thought I could do it by myself.
"You're doing fine," Donna said. She picked up the last bra. "Now this one closes in front. It should be easier to handle."
Well, at least I could see what I was doing. I wondered why they didn't make them all like that. I thought there was probably some arcane female reason, but decided not to get into it.
"You look good enough to eat," Donna said, stepping back to admire me in the new undies. I didn't quite know how to take that.
"It needs just a wee bit of adjusting." She stepped around behind me and did something to the straps in back, then came around to stand in front of me. "Perfect. Now let's see you take it off."
I unhooked it. Donna was standing very close. All the time we had been dressing and undressing, I had slowly began to feel a desire to hold Donna in my arms again, and the way she looked now only increased the desire. There's nothing so stimulating to the male mind as a woman dressed only in a pair of low cut panties with breasts bared. She saw the way I was looking at her, standing there with the bra dangling from my hand like a used dishtowel.
She took a step closer. Our breasts brushed together and I felt my nipples hardening, a sensation somewhat like two tiny erections at the tips of my breasts, and spreading a suffused warm fullness into them. I felt the muscles in my belly tighten and the insides of my thighs quiver. I put my hands around her waist and pulled her to me. Our lips met, hers already open and willing, an invitation to the liquid dance of her tongue.
Donna let me lead, understanding perfectly that my mind was still completely male-oriented. I eased her down onto the bed and began making love to her just as though nothing had changed between us. I kissed and fondled her breasts and ran my hands over her body until she was moaning with anticipation. I slid her panties off and removed my own. I let my tongue wander down the smooth length of her body and stopped at the juncture of her thighs. She spread her legs eagerly. My tongue touched the little button buried there. I felt her fingers moving through my hair, then grasping at my neck and shoulders as her hips rose to meet my mouth, every muscle in play. She held, then went rigid and cried out again and again.
Donna's cries seemed to echo through my own body, sending undulating waves of tense, excited expectation coursing through me. As she sank back down, I moved up over her, between her legs. I was breathing as heavily as if I were running a race. Waves of pleasure rose from my groin as I rubbed against her, rising and rising until I could hardly stand it, but still no orgasm came. I became frantic for release, grinding my hips harder and faster against her, almost crying with the need to complete the act. Donna had her arms and legs locked around me. Her fingers dug into my back. She cried out again and I almost went crazy with frustration.
Finally, exhausted, still unsatisfied, I collapsed on top of her.
"Let me," she whispered. She rolled me off and began the same way I had, but she didn't spend nearly as much time. I had barely begun to thrill to the unusual sensation of having my breasts handled and caressed and feeling my nipples being sucked into her mouth when she left them and worked her lips down my body. I spread my legs open for her and a moment later, felt the exquisite touch of her tongue. Again I felt the rising, barely endurable excitement but this time, it went to completion, like a racing car finally topping a hill. I screamed like a panther as my whole body was engulfed in a shuddering, muscle-locking orgasm that seemed to go on and on and on. I lost track of time, of light and darkness, of the whole universe and everything in it.
When I came back to my senses, Donna was up beside me again, gently caressing my breasts with feathery soft fingers.
"Wow," I said. "That was like going over a cliff backwards and falling a thousand miles."
Donna leaned over and kissed me. "Wait until you try it with a man. It's even better."
"It couldn't be," I said.
"Mmm. You'll see." She laid her head on my breast. I ran my fingers through her hair, thinking it couldn't possibly be any better. The best way I know of to compare the female orgasm to the male is that it's like laying on your back and having the best blowjob in the world given by the most talented woman in the world, with both of you in love with each other. A blowjob involving the whole body, whereas the regular male climax is more centered in the penis and groin. I think the difference is with a regular orgasm, the man is doing the giving, so to speak, and the other way, he's completely on the receiving end, like a woman must feel.
Later, we did it again. And again. I wished briefly I could experience it with Rita as a female, then put it out of my mind. It could never happen. She was male now.
The thought wouldn't go away. What would it be like with Rez? Could I do it? I didn't know, but I decided then that eventually, I would have to try it, if for no other reason than that I loved Rita, her mind and personality, even if it was locked in a male body now. I owed her-him-that much anyway.
Late that evening, Chief Martin called. We had to get dressed and turn on vision so the recording would be legal. It didn't take long.
***
Seyla's assassin was executed in the town square two weeks later by a militia firing squad. He never gave a coherent reason for his actions, which was probably just as well. Nothing he could have said would have brought Seyla back, nor given Rez and I back our own bodies. None of us went to watch the execution.
During those two weeks, I gradually began getting used to the body I was wearing, learning how to walk and reach and eventually becoming accustomed to the sensation of everything being larger and heavier than usual (that's how it felt to me: the world grown larger rather than me grown smaller). I had my first period. I hated the whole messy proceedings, but it wasn't as if I was alone in the world; half of humanity had the same problem, although those of us with access to modern medical care could skip many of them. I slept alone those nights, insisting to Donna that I was fine and she spend some time with Rez, and Russell when he was there. I knew Rez would have sex with Donna. They had enjoyed themselves when both were female and Donna liked swinging in either direction. Besides, if I ever decided to have sex with Rez, I wanted him to have some experience first. No use having us both fumbling around at the same time.
Russell was seldom home; he was still spending much of his time on campus, working on that project which Seyla had been so enthusiastic about. Rez made occasional trips in to check with him, and Donna managed to attend all her classes over the web.
I began watching the news again, gathering data and anecdotes about the gates for possible stories to sell. There wasn't much new. The world was adjusting to their presence, in one way or another, with politicians, religions, and the military vying for control of them in most countries.
I think the United States, France and Australia were the only countries where the majority of the population (other than the religious fundamentalists) accepted the gates with hardly any strings attached, and tried to guarantee unimpeded access, the nationwide riots in America notwithstanding. That had just been fourth worlder frustration and racial tensions breaking out into the open. In most other countries, control of one sort or another was attempted, without much success. The Germans, with their usual Teutonic thoroughness, tried a unique solution: they began building cement walls around each gate, then wiring them with powerful electric currents. As each barrier was completed, permits were required to enter. For once, the Germans revolted against their bureaucrats. Organized mobs went from gate to gate, overcame the guards, and blew holes in the barriers. Finally, the government gave up and simply required permits, "in order to record sociologically useful statistics". The citizens quickly went back to their usual obedient ways, paying the permit fees with no objecti
ons.
I did a story on that last item from the ordinary citizen's viewpoint and it sold pretty well, though my German stringer held Mary up for a hefty percentage of the royalties.
In Russia, a bloody struggle was still going on between the Mafia, the government (such as they had) and the citizenry for control of the gates. It was beginning to look as if the Russian Mafia might at last have met their match. There were as many of them being murdered by citizens as they were murdering police officers and tax collectors.
Russell, on the occasions when he came home, began to look tired again, and discouraged. His project, whatever it was, wasn't working out as quickly as he had predicted. One evening, he came in just as we three had finished dinner. He threw his jacket into a corner and slumped down beside Donna on the big lounger.
"Damn it, something is wrong and I can't figure it out!" he said, his voice almost growling with frustration.
Chapter Nineteen
"Don't you have any ideas at all?" Rez asked rhetorically. I had been sitting beside him on the small lounger. As he asked his question, I got up and went over to Russell.
"Turn around," I said. He presented his back to me while Donna began stirring up a pitcher of Whatnot. I began kneading his shoulders and back. His muscles were knotted as tight as a sailor's half-hitch. As I worked my fingers into the hard lumps of tension-contracted muscles, I couldn't help thinking of how big men still seemed to me.
"Ahh. Thanks, Li. That felt good." He straightened back up and accepted a drink from Donna. "As to your question, Rez, no I don't have a goddamned clue. According to all our calculations, the experiments we've been running should have worked, but they haven't, and we can't figure out why."
"What are you going to do now?" Rez asked. He put a friendly arm around me when I went back to sit beside him. I had been forcing myself to get used to casual intimacy from him and from Russell, when he was there. It wasn't easy, especially with the way both of them stared surreptitiously at my body whenever they thought I wasn't noticing. I knew I would have to get used to it, though, especially since I was planning on traveling again, once I thought I could go out in public without embarrassing myself.
Russell tilted the drink to his mouth and shrugged. "What can we do? Back up and punt. Start all over and see where we made our mistake, or mistakes. There must be some error in the calculations, or maybe even the theory itself."
"How long will it take?" Rez asked. He was gently kneading my shoulder. I leaned against his arm and thought his hand felt as big as my dad's had when I was a little boy and he led me across streets.
"Well, we've been working six months on the theory. Give us another three or four to go back over everything, then rebuild the apparatus and check it for errors. Six months? A year? I just can't say right now. Sorry, Rez. I know you were hoping for faster results, but that's how science goes."
"Neither of you has ever said just what it is you've been working on," I said. I leaned forward to pick up my glass and sip at my drink. When I sat back, Rez's hand came down over my shoulder and rested tentatively on my breast. I tensed, then gradually relaxed when he made no other move, just letting his hand rest there as if it had naturally fallen into a comfortable position, which I knew from my own experience it had, even if it was a deliberate act. Donna smiled in our direction from her seat beside Russell.
"We wanted it to be a surprise, especially for Seyla," Rez said.
"I guess it can't hurt to tell you something about it," Russell said. "Basically, it's a new theory of light and how it can be manipulated, or how we thought it could be manipulated."
"How was that going to help the fourth worlders?" I wanted to know. I couldn't see where a new theory of light would provide jobs and education or financing for their entry into the vast web resources of information.
"We were hoping for a completely new line of comphones, with receivers so cheap, anyone could afford them, and solar powered so there wouldn't even be an expense for batteries. And other things, of course; it wouldn't stop there by any means."
I thought about it. Fourth worlders got that designation because they had been left out of the information age. In our country, part of the blame lay with the near-collapse of public education after the financial crash (not that it was worth all that much beforehand). The fourth world population in other countries came about from various causes; in Europe, wars and the refugee problems used up most resources. Japan had never recovered from the crash and loss of export revenue. Other countries had either never developed or had lost the infrastructure to support the costs of web information after it switched from phone lines to beamed broadcasts and the new, expensive receivers. But would cheap comphones for everyone (and the money to support them) really change the world that much? It would depend on what they were used for. I thought Russell and Rez were being overly optimistic, but perhaps not. Anyone could get an education over the web, but first you had to be able to afford the costs of accessing it, and that wasn't nearly as cheap as it once had been.
I felt Rez's fingers curl underneath the slope of my breast, his fingers warm over the thin cloth of my blouse. I hurriedly got to my feet for another drink. Chips in hell, I just wasn't ready for a man, no matter what Donna had told me about it. I brought my drink back and quickly entwined my fingers with Rez's to keep them where they belonged. For now, anyway.
Russell yawned. "I've got to get a shower and some sleep. I'm exhausted." Donna poured a couple of drinks for them and followed him into their room, leaving Rez and I alone. I stirred up another pitcher, reminding myself to remember my weight now, not much over a hundred pounds.
I refilled Rez's glass and my own, then sat back down, drawing a knee up onto the lounger so I was half-facing him. He sipped meditatively at his drink while I watched him. Rita had certainly turned into a handsome man. Unfortunately for him, I was still inclined toward pretty women. He seemed to realize what I was thinking.
"You're still scared of me, aren't you?" he said.
"No, I'm not scared of you. I just can't get used to your body, that's all."
He shrugged, then grinned at me. "How about your own?"
"I don't have a choice about that," I said.
"Neither do I. I still love you, Li. In fact, I think I love you even more now. You're beautiful."
"That's just sex talking," I said. I knew that was partially it. I was beautiful, and he had to be reacting to it, even if his mind was still female. I was the person he had loved, and besides, Rita had always been liberal in her attitudes about sex.
"Please don't say it's just sex, Li. Sure, sex is part of it. You can't separate it from love between a man and woman, but that's not everything. I want your mind and spirit back, too. You're still treating me like a friendly ogre, harmless so long as you don't provoke him."
"Damn it, I've been trying," I said. Unaccountably, I burst into tears.
Rez moved my knee from the lounger and put his arm around me again. I put my face against his broad chest so he couldn't see me crying, not that it did much good.
"Poor dear, I know you have. I'm sorry. I guess I'm trying to rush you."
I sniffed and lifted my head. "Damn, I don't know why I'm crying. I never used to cry."
He patted my back. "I can tell you something about that. The sex gates have given us a bit of an answer to that old question. Tears are at least partially a physiological phenomena. You cry easier than you used to; I don't cry as much. Same for other sex-change subjects who have been studied."
"Really? I don't feel so bad, then." I got up and finished the pitcher off with refills, pausing for a tissue to blow my nose first. I felt rather ashamed of myself. Rez was being so patient with me and I was giving him hardly any encouragement at all.
"You want to watch anything?" he asked, nodding at the screen.
"Not any news. Maybe a movie, but I'd rather watch movies in bed, so I can nod off when I'm sleepy."
"That can be arranged," he said.
I realized
what I had said and countered, "I don't think that would be a good idea. I know what you would feel like, sleeping with a woman who isn't interested in sex."
"Well, I could always jack off," he laughed.
I giggled. The rum was beginning to affect me. I had forgotten my body mass again. "Seriously," he continued, "I'd rather watch entertainment in bed, too."
I didn't say anything.
He still had his arm around me. He leaned down and kissed me on the lips. "I promise not to rape you."
I didn't answer. After a moment, I got up and made another pitcher of Whatnot to take to the bedroom. He raised his brows when I brought fresh refills over.
I was beginning to change my mind. I really didn't want to sleep alone, but I wasn't sure Rez would behave. On the other hand, I could always ask him to leave if sleeping together made me really uncomfortable, and I still wasn't planning on having any sex with him. I wished suddenly that Russell hadn't come home, then I could have asked Donna to join us.
"A penny?"
"What? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking."
"Keep it up. Women should have brains as well as looks."
"I've always thought so, too," I said and laughed. I leaned back against his shoulder, feeling the ethanol warm my body. He put his am around me again and his hand settled on my breast. I reached up to remove it, then just held it there.
"This feels so odd," I said.
"How so?"
"I just can't get used to being so much smaller than you."
"Why not just relax? I used to enjoy being held by a man. I still miss it."
"You do?"
"Of course. Remember, I've still got a female mind. I'm just trying to act like a man, since that's what I am."
I leaned closer into his embrace. "Perhaps that's what I should do." I had to admit to myself that having a strong arm around me and a broad chest to lean against did give me a comforting sense of security. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad when the time came.