As that letter was placed into a bin marked International Mail, Stanford arrived at his office, his steps heavy. The weekend had dragged past and other than talking to Rose yesterday, Stanford hadn’t spoken to another human being since he said goodnight to Agatha on Friday. That was before he’d seen Laurie’s note, which had initially been torn into four pieces, then four more, then painstakingly taped back together. Stanford had done that on Saturday, and now reaching his desk, he wondered why he had bothered. It had given him something to do at the time, he permitted, but safely ensconced within his office, reality wasn’t at all akin to that letter, which that evening Stanford would throw in the garbage. Reality was where he sat, surrounded by solid walls and other skyscrapers. Truth was the business of making money, and if Stanford wanted anything at all abstract, he had several clients upon whom to call. He didn’t consciously think about Eric while sipping his coffee, thumbing through mail he had ignored on Friday. Stanford focused on work, for that was a concrete notion with no whimsical ideas attached.
Yet, as the morning wore on, more coffee ingested, Stanford found himself growing shaky. When Emily brought that day’s post, along with another mug of java, Stanford had to steady his hands, giving her the empty cup. Emily gave him a funny look, then Stanford gazed at her, did she know too? Then he shook his head. “Thank you,” he said. “I had an extra cup at home this morning. Probably won’t need any more today.”
“Of course Mr. Taylor. Some water instead?”
“Yes, please.” Stanford tried to keep his voice even, but he felt thoroughly shaken. Emily set a glass of water on a coaster, then stood back. He met her gaze, her eyes tender. She looked so young, and no, she had no idea of the upheaval Stanford had been thrust into. “Thank you Emily.”
He spoke without thinking, but to have referred to her as Miss Harold would have seemed…. Then Stanford shook his head, what on earth was going on in his life? He looked up again; she appeared surprised, but only nodded, then turned around, closing the door behind her as she left. Stanford was alone and for a few seconds nothing seemed amiss. Then he stared at the door; what he would give if Laurie walked into that room.
The ache began in the middle of his chest, where it had throbbed on and off all weekend, but not merely in sorrow. Often Stanford had been furious for the absurdity of Laurie’s insane claim. Only for moments did Stanford permit the smallest possibility that maybe Laurie had told the truth. When that had happened, Stanford had immediately tamped that down, for human beings didn’t turn into…. Stanford again considered that, for now his head hurt, but not like an ordinary headache. It felt as if sections were being pried apart so an unholy truth could find a place to take root. He reached for his mug, using both hands, which trembled with such force that coffee dribbled onto the desk. Yet Stanford needed that brew, not as pleasing as Agatha’s but something hot and caffeinated and…. He needed to alter his own chemistry, he wryly smiled to himself. Nothing in his life would ever be the same.
Going to work on Friday, he had tried to delude himself, Laurie’s crazy insinuations whirling in his head. Now having had a few days alone, Stanford needed to make a decision. Either he believed that utter hogwash or…. The alternative made Stanford’s stomach reel, for the alternative was the life he’d lived for the last three days as an empty shell. But what choice had Laurie given him, presenting Stanford with nothing that could be taken at face value. Sipping the coffee, Stanford relished the heat sliding down his throat, easing a dryness that had plagued him since he’d told Laurie to leave. But if Laurie had stood there for another minute, one more second even, Stanford would have said something far more harmful than ordering his…. Partner, lover, who was Laurie now? He was nuts, Stanford thought, as caffeine entered his veins, soothing all the worries.
Laurie had lost it, that was all Stanford could allow. He wasn’t sure what might happen when Eric was discharged from wherever he was seeking treatment, maybe Eric and Lynne could send Laurie to that hospital. Then Stanford shivered. Laurie had gone to the Snyders, what in God’s name might he do to Lynne? He needed help, he needed…. Stanford stared at the telephone. According to Laurie, Lynne believed this too. She had confirmed it, but maybe that was another falsehood. Were Lynne and Jane safe?
Never in his life had Stanford felt so torn. Not every decision he’d made had been easy, but he was methodical, and even having chosen to live with Laurie had carried no specter of doubt. Always weighing the pros and cons, Stanford followed a prudent course, and while at times he had to correct a mistake, most of his choices were successful. If he called Lynne now, what would he learn, other than Laurie had arrived safely, which certainly had been a concern, as Stanford couldn’t simply erase that man from his life. But if Lynne sounded frightened, what could Stanford do, other than contact Sam or Marek, but according to Laurie at least Sam had been given this line. Had Eric’s pastor heard a similar story, were they all nuts out there? Stanford took another drink, then carefully placed the cup back on the coaster. What responsibility was it of his to check up on Lynne, he then mused. She was merely the wife of one of his clients, she was…. A member of his family, he thought, swallowing hard. If Claire, Louise, or Melanie called in a time of trouble, he would be obliged to offer whatever assistance he could muster. And now, much to his surprise, Lynne Snyder had fallen under that familial umbrella. Stanford didn’t ponder where that left Eric. Instead the art dealer opened his desk, pulling out an old address book. Flipping through it, he reached the S’s, then scanned names until Eric Snyder appeared.
Stanford studied the painter’s street address and telephone number; all that information had remained the same since the day Stanford had written it. How much else had changed, he mused, picking up the receiver, asking to make a long distance call. He didn’t check the time, for it was mid-morning on the East Coast, of course Lynne and Jane and…. All in the Snyder house were awake, Stanford assumed.
The phone rang several times, then Lynne answered. “Hello?”
“Good morning Lynne.” Stanford took a breath, then exhaled audibly.
“Oh Stanford, how good to hear from you!”
Her tone was a mix of relief and pleasure, the former giving him pause, the latter making him grateful. “Well, we hadn’t spoken in a while and I was just calling to….” He needed to choose his words carefully. “Make sure you and Jane were all right.”
“We’re fine. Jane had a cold last week, but she’s feeling much better now.”
Stanford hadn’t expected that sort of response; he’d imagined Lynne falling into tears, although the reason for her upset wouldn’t have been clear, too many possibilities. But Lynne’s tone was as usual, with a hint of unspoken hope. Realizing the basis for her optimism, he cleared his throat. “Well, I’m glad to hear all is well there.” Then he thought about the baby, but as he never asked about something so personal, he wouldn’t inquire now. Nor would he ask after….
“Stanford, Laurie’s right here. Would you like to speak with him?”
A sick sensation spread through Stanford, starting with a pounding headache, going straight into his churning stomach, shooting back northward into the center of his chest, which ached fiercely. “No,” he mumbled, then he coughed, which didn’t alleviate any of his agonies. “I just wanted to….”
“I understand, it’s a difficult time.” Lynne’s sigh was brief. “Well, we appreciate hearing from you. Please know that you’re welcome here anytime. And Stanford….”
“Yes, I’ll be sure to keep in touch. Goodbye Lynne.”
“Stan? Are you still there?”
As Laurie spoke, Stanford placed the receiver into the cradle, although he didn’t slam it down. While Lynne had sounded upbeat, Laurie’s plaintive tone had forced Stanford’s hand, although he’d been on the verge of closing the call. Stanford stared at the telephone, uncertain of what he had learned. Lynne didn’t sound as if she, Jane, and the baby were in danger. Laurie had seemed distraught. None of those felt right to Stan
ford, or rather, they didn’t fit the picture of accepted reality. Lynne should have been scared to death, Laurie with a maniacal tenor to his voice. But as usual Lynne was a tower of strength while Laurie sounded…. Heartbroken, which pierced Stanford to his core. But for what reason was any of this possible? Eric wasn’t a hawk, that was bullshit. Seth was the instigator of all of this, yet, Laurie had never previously fallen victim to such nonsense. From every angle Stanford considered, no option made sense.
That might be the most disarming part of what had engulfed Stanford’s life since…. He’d set last Thursday far away, the confusion associated with that evening too much for him to ponder. Confusion and lies and…. The deepest pain, however, was in Laurie’s voice, which hadn’t changed over the weekend, desperation mixed with a haunted awareness that what the men had blissfully shared for so many years was threatened. Yet, Laurie had disregarded that history; while Stanford had warned him, Laurie had crossed a line that now stretched over three thousand miles. Lynne didn’t seem worried, other than for…. She was fine, Eric was the one they needed to consider.
But not because he was a…. Now Stanford smiled, a chuckle escaping from his parched lips. He reached for the coffee, his hands steady, as was his resolve. If Laurie wanted to persist in this foolishness and if Lynne was willing to put up with him, Stanford would leave them alone. Stanford finished the coffee, not noting any caffeine rush. He placed the empty mug on its coaster, grabbing that day’s mail. It was business as usual in New York, no time to let down one’s guard.
Laurie had hung up the phone, but still stared at it, wishing he had left well enough alone. While he was thankful to be where he was, he ached all over, and he knew Stan did too. Laurie wasn’t sure why Stan had reached out, perhaps only to check on Lynne. Laurie didn’t know what Stan had said initially, but Lynne’s responses weren’t out of the ordinary. Then Laurie smiled. Stanford’s curiosity had overruled his usually staid character, and for that Laurie was grateful.
Lynne gently patted his shoulder. “More coffee?” she asked.
He nodded, then faced her. She looked quite pregnant now, and indeed he was happy to be there. Over the weekend he had fetched wood, cared for Jane while Lynne rested, and most importantly he was surrounded by people in the know. No secrets strangled him, nothing he had to keep below the surface. Not even how much his heart ached, for on Saturday night both he and Lynne had wept for those they missed. Those outbursts had been odd but healing, for Laurie had never broken down around anyone, not that he’d ever had cause before. But in that house, on that property, who Laurie loved carried no shame. Not even at Michael’s had Laurie felt that free.
He’d always possessed a sense of suppression, although of the two, Laurie was more bold. Yet propriety dictated that what the men shared had to remain concealed. Perhaps Laurie felt so unfettered because what he and Stan had was in upheaval. Maybe there was nothing to protect, Laurie sighed, joining Jane, who sat at the table in her big girl chair. Both of these females were altered, Lynne in size, Jane in intellect. Jane was trying to put two words together; more pie seemed her phrase of choice, be it breakfast, lunch, or suppertime. New baby was also spoken, as were Ann, Paul, and Lene, which Laurie assumed was short for Helene. Laurie had met Paul and Ann yesterday at lunch after he had escorted Lynne and Jane to St. Matthew’s. It had been good to see Marek, who understood why Laurie was there. Nearly everyone Lynne closely associated with knew about Eric, and the rest seemed unaffected by his absence.
But those who loved him most needed him home, and Laurie hoped for his and Stanford’s sakes that return would be soon. Not that Stan would take Eric’s word for it, but at least Eric would be in this house recovering from…. Laurie had told Lynne that Eric no longer communicated with Seth, or not as a human being. She hadn’t been alarmed, only hoping that wouldn’t impede Seth’s continued recovery. Then Laurie had shared the last sentiment Eric gave to Seth, which made Lynne weep hard. Laurie wasn’t sure if her tears were from the poignant nature of that admonition or whether Seth would heed it.
Laurie had called the Kerr Hospital on Saturday, leaving a message for Seth about Laurie’s change of location. Laurie needed to contact his clients about this move, which he hoped was temporary, although the future seemed wrapped in a thick mist. The only concrete notions were the coming baby and Thanksgiving with the Aherns.
That holiday would be spent on the West Coast unless Stanford had an abrupt change of heart, but Laurie wouldn’t hold out that sort of hope. Sam had actually invited Laurie, for the subject came up yesterday, although Sam seemed uncomfortable as soon as he’d said it. But Renee reiterated the offer and Laurie looked forward to that event. He then glanced at Lynne, who sat on Jane’s other side. Mother and daughter smiled at him and Laurie wondered if he might still be here when one more joined this family.
He didn’t mean Eric, but Laurie didn’t speak to that idea. “Have you been talking to me all this time?” he chuckled.
Lynne shook her head. “No, but you’re a lot like Eric. Sometimes he’d stare off and….”
Her voice quivered and Laurie reached for her hands, squeezing them gently. “There’s just so much on my mind.”
“I can imagine. I’m glad he called, although I wish he’d stayed on the line longer.”
“That was about all he could manage.” Laurie sighed. “I’m surprised he called at all.”
“He loves you and….” Lynne smiled. “And I think he wanted to test the water.”
“See if I was terrorizing you two, you mean.” Laurie shrugged. “Which’s only fair. He wanted to call you last Thursday and I told him to leave you alone. Maybe I should’ve let him ask, maybe….”
Laurie had no idea how he could have made the truth any less unpalatable. He sighed again. “I really don’t know what happens now.” He looked at Lynne. “But thanks for taking me in.”
“It’s good for all of us.” She leaned back, patting the baby. “The Aherns are so busy with the kids and while I know they wanna help….” Lynne smiled. “Sam told me yesterday that while he was sorry for the reason, he’s glad you’re here.”
“Renee said the same thing.” Then Laurie grinned. “Those kids, my God, it’s like they’re all really related.”
“Yeah, and Ann is so much like her mother.” Lynne giggled, then wiped away a few tears. “It’s been such a blessing and I know Eric will be thrilled for them.”
Laurie stared at her, then nodded. “I never realized how difficult it was for you two all these years.”
“We’re a lot alike, you and Stanford and me and Eric.” Lynne took a deep breath, then exhaled. “We’d wished there’d been some way to tell you both, just so you knew you weren’t the only ones….” Her lip trembled, then she removed Jane from the seat. Jane snuggled against her mother until Lynne began to laugh. “My goodness but these two better get along. Right now someone can’t stand big sister’s intrusion.”
Laurie laughed, but hadn’t missed what Lynne was about to say. “Maybe Junior knows this’s the only time they’re gonna get you alone. Jane doesn’t seem to mind.”
“No, she has no idea.” Lynne smoothed Jane’s hair from her face. Then Jane was the recipient of kisses, which made her giggle. Lynne then gazed at Laurie. “I never thought I’d have all this, not ever. I know the future looks uncertain Laurie, but it’s gonna be okay.”
The conviction of her voice made him inwardly shiver. “From your lips to God’s ears.”
Putting Jane back in her chair, Lynne started to speak, then again she wiped tears from her eyes. She cleared her throat, then gripped one of Laurie’s hands. “Two years ago Eric almost died. He’d only been gone about three weeks, but he came back emaciated and so sick I knew I could lose him. We spent all that weekend in bed, he had a fever of one hundred and five, was delirious, and there was nothing I could do but wait. And believe me, waiting was all I could do; he wouldn’t eat, could barely sleep, was just lingering in this void.” She caressed Jane’s head,
then Lynne met Laurie’s eyes. “He had one foot here and one foot with Christ. On Christmas Eve, I woke to find him staring at me, I don’t know how long I’d been asleep, or how long he’d been awake, but he was alive and seemed okay. Laurie, he could’ve suffered brain damage from the fever, he could’ve just slipped away. But all that weekend I knew no matter what happened, we’d be all right. And I don’t mean me and this girl here.” Lynne smiled at Jane, who gave her mother a wide grin. “Every time Eric left, I felt so alone, but he always came back, and those trips were just a few days at most. Then when he was gone all those months, that’s when I began to change. I won’t bore you with those details, but I had to learn so much about hope, that we have to be joyful even if it seems so bleak. Because honestly, while I love my daughter, and this baby too, and goodness knows I love my husband, there is something beyond this life.” She chuckled. “I never imagined thinking such things, the craziest part of my life was Eric, which granted was fairly strange. But even that can’t compare to what I know in my heart. Renee told me this, oh my goodness, even before she saw Eric change, that God hears all our prayers. I didn’t have faith then, and between us, I took her comment with a rather condescending mind. But she was absolutely right.” Lynne shook her head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to go off on some tangent. I just wanted….”
Tears fell down Laurie’s face, although they weren’t painful like those shed on Saturday. These were similar to those he had wept at the sand pit, but more healing. Was that because Lynne was grasping his hands, her message spoken with a deep affirmation of love, or that for the first time in Laurie’s life, God was tangible within Lynne’s warm touch and her expectant voice. Yet, she wasn’t thinking of her baby, or about Eric. Her eagerness was straight from the conviction that sprang from…. Laurie trembled, then he went to his feet, but immediately he knelt between Lynne and Jane. Lying his head on what remained of Lynne’s lap, Laurie had no idea if or when he and Stan would be reunited, but a more lasting relationship was being brokered. It had nothing to do with the Snyder women, although Laurie knew they would always be a part of his life. This sense of belonging had been brought to his attention through these ladies, but they were mere channels. Laurie laughed as he wiped his cheeks, then he gazed up, first at Jane who looked puzzled. Then Laurie found Lynne’s eyes, which also were misty. They didn’t speak as she nodded, then she stroked his head. Laurie broke into laughter, stirring Jane’s giggles. Then he sat on the floor, taking Jane into his arms. Lynne didn’t join them, but she placed one of Laurie’s hands on the baby, who tumbled in agreement.
Chapter 152
The Hawk: Part Eight Page 16