I wasn’t sure whether to leave her by herself the next morning. I was scared she might wander off again, or do something stupid – she was so out of it. I was still in the kitchen, deciding what to do, when Stella turned up.
“Mum’s still in bed,” I said, letting her in. “She’s been acting really weird, especially in the last day or so. Not just sleeping a lot, other stuff as well. She said something yesterday about everyone staring at her, as if she’s too scared to go out. I honestly don’t know what to do any more.”
Stella pulled me into her arms and gave me an enormous hug. “Don’t worry, Becky, my love. We’ll soon have her back on her feet. Your mum and I have helped each other through some pretty sticky times in the past, you know.”
It was so nice to have a cuddle. I snuggled in even closer, breathing in her lovely sunny smell. “Can I just ask you something, Stella? What did you mean the other day, when you were talking to Mum and you said that I had a right to know? I heard you, as I was coming in.”
She sighed heavily, shaking her head. Then she pulled away, holding me by the shoulders. “I’m really sorry, Becky, but it’s not for me to tell you that. You’ll have to ask your mum when she’s feeling a bit stronger.”
“But it’s so frustrating. She won’t tell me anything about my dad, or her life before she left Oakbridge. You don’t know what it’s like.”
“I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you, but it’s really got to come from her...”
“But...”
She held her hand up. “No more buts! Come on, we’ve got work to do.” She grabbed a few things out of the fridge and somehow rustled up an omelette and toast and some freshly squeezed orange juice, laying it all out nicely on a tray. “It’s so much better to tackle things on a full stomach,” she said, winking at me. “That’s what I always say to my Mack – not that he needs much encouragement.”
It was weird hearing her talk about Mack. I couldn’t stop thinking about the other day, wondering if he’d call. Wondering what he meant when he said we had all summer.
“Are you coming up then?” said Stella, heading for the stairs.
I shook my head. I didn’t want to hang about to see if Mum was up to tackling things, as Stella put it. As soon as she disappeared up the stairs, I slipped out to see Rosa May.
Nothing much happened over the weekend. Rosa May wouldn’t say anything else about her big plan to make the summer last for ever, just that she was working on it. We didn’t spot the Silver-studded Blue, but neither did anyone else. Stella came by a lot. She did some shopping, and cooked us some proper meals, singing along to the radio at the top of her voice. And Mum spent most of the time in bed, sleeping, but Stella said that was okay, that she needed to build up her strength.
I loved it when Stella was there, busy in the kitchen, dancing around as if she was at a disco. It was the only time the house felt like a proper home. I was dying to know if Mack had told her we’d been swimming together. I nearly blurted it out a couple of times but I was worried she might discuss it with Mum.
I must’ve checked my phone about five hundred times an hour, hoping that he’d text me. I replayed our afternoon at the pool over and over, analyzing every word, every look, trying to work out if he liked me, or if he’d only suggested we hang out because Stella had asked him to.
On Sunday night they announced a hosepipe ban on the news. No one was allowed to water their gardens or wash their cars using a hosepipe until further notice. Forty-three days had passed since it last rained. It was so hot the motorways were beginning to melt. Mr. Jackson said it was all our own fault for making such a whacking great hole in the ozone layer.
“That’s what’s done it,” he said on Monday morning, as I wandered by on my way to meet Rosa May. “We’ve only ourselves to blame for not looking after God’s planet the way He intended. It’s the likes of our Albert I worry about. What sort of state is the world going to be in when he grows up?”
I thought about my dad, out there somewhere, trying to look after the environment. I could just imagine him up in the sky, fixing the hole in the ozone layer with a giant plaster, or maybe sewing it back together with a supersized needle and thread. I asked Mr. Jackson if he believed the hole would ever shrink or disappear, but he shook his head as if it was far too late to put things right.
I didn’t hear from Mack until later that day. He’d spent the weekend with his dad, at some out-of-town racing track, and he wanted to know if I’d go swimming with him the following morning. I said yes without thinking. I was going to suggest we do something else, anything else, but I was so excited he’d called, the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. I still didn’t really get why he was so keen to hang out with me. Maybe Rosa May was right and he was just bored because it was the summer holidays and there was nothing much else going on.
We arranged to meet outside the Jacksons’ at ten. “I haven’t forgotten what you promised last time,” he teased, just before we said bye. “About putting your feet down.”
My tummy tightened. “That was last time,” I muttered. “I’m not promising anything.”
I talked non-stop all the way to Farnsbury. I think it was nerves. Not just about swimming, but the fact that we were going by ourselves this time – it somehow felt more like a date. I told him about the wildlife photography course I’d done at my old school, and how I’d been spending loads of time at the Butterfly Garden.
“It’s such a beautiful place! I’ve been able to take some great shots and my friend Rosa May and I have been searching for a very rare butterfly called the Silver-studded Blue. She’s a brilliant swimmer actually,” I babbled on. “She does all these crazy stunts in the water but they scare me half to death.” I didn’t know what I’d do if we actually bumped into Rosa May. She’d be so upset that I was seeing Mack behind her back, and going swimming with him.
“You’ll be doing stunts soon,” said Mack. “You’re my star pupil, don’t forget!”
“Your only pupil,” I reminded him, laughing. “And I will not be doing any stunts!”
The leisure centre still felt familiar, but not quite in the same eerie way as it had the other day. The smell was just as bad and the noise was deafening but I suppose I was more prepared. I stood in the reception area, looking around, searching for clues – anything that might explain why I was so sure I’d been there before. The trouble was, it was just a feeling, not a proper memory that I could catch hold of.
Mack didn’t waste any time chatting, or showing off his brilliant butterfly stroke like last time. It was straight down to business. As soon as we were changed and sitting on the side of the pool, he jumped into the water and then turned back towards me, clasping me under the arms and lowering me in with him, so I was clinging onto him with my legs around his waist like before.
It was cold and scary and I had to stop myself from squealing like a baby. I started to tremble all over, but I wasn’t sure if that was because I was in the water, or in Mack’s arms.
“Don’t let go,” I said, my teeth chattering. “I am going to put my feet down but you’ve got to swear you won’t let go of me straight away.”
“I swear,” said Mack seriously. “I’d cross my heart, but if I did I might drop you!”
We stood there bouncing for a bit longer and then screwing up all my courage, I took the deepest breath and uncurled my legs from around Mack’s middle. It was the strangest feeling, like being in space. My legs floated up and I had to push them down against the water, feeling for the bottom of the pool with my feet. Very slowly, I released my grip on Mack’s shoulders.
“Look, Mack, I’m standing,” I gasped. “I can’t believe it. I’m actually standing up on my own in a swimming pool.”
The bottom of the pool felt solid and safe. Not how I’d imagined it at all. Mack smiled and held my hands, and we faced each other, bouncing slightly.
“Now for lesson number two,” he said, grinning.
“What do you mean?
This is lesson number two.”
He shook his head. “Uh-uh. Standing on your own was the end of lesson number one. Lesson number two involves bunny hops.”
“What?”
“Bunny hops,” he repeated. “We’re going to bunny hop across the middle of the pool and back again.”
“No way. I don’t want to. I’m getting out.” I turned towards the steps, trying to drag Mack with me.
“Hey, calm down, Becky. We’ll get out in a minute, but first of all we’re going to hop. It’s not proper swimming, it’s just hopping. Like a rabbit.”
“Like a rabbit? R-r-rabbits don’t even like water,” I stuttered, my teeth beginning to chatter again.
But Mack wasn’t listening. He was pulling me towards him, hopping backwards so that I had to hop forwards if I wanted to keep hold of his hands. We went all the way across to the other side and then Mack turned me round and we came back, bouncing along like a couple of bunnies. I concentrated very hard, holding onto his hands as tightly as I could, especially in the middle when the sides seemed a million miles away.
“How impressive is this?” cried Mack. “A week ago you’d never set foot in a pool and now look at you. You’ll be swimming the Channel next.”
“Me? Swimming the Channel?”
“Well, maybe not swimming it, but you could always try hopping across. They’ll make a programme about it: Becky Hops the Channel. You’ll be famous!”
“I don’t want to be famous,” I said, laughing. “Not for hopping, at any rate!”
We’d just about got back to where we started when Mack let go of one of my hands to wave at someone walking along the side of the pool towards us. I grabbed hold of him, terrified he was about to swim off.
“Don’t panic, it’s just my dad.” As the man got closer, I could see he was tall and broad with very short brown hair. He was wearing a blue tracksuit and a blue and red baseball cap.
“This is Becky,” said Mack. “I’m teaching her to swim. Becky, this is my dad, Colin.”
Colin crouched down by the side of the pool. “Hello, Becky,” he said. “It’s nice to see you again after all these years.”
“W-w-hat do you mean?” I stammered. “I’ve never met you before in my life.”
“Of course you have,” he laughed.
I froze, still holding onto Mack. It was as if all the noise had been sucked from the air, until the only sound I could hear was my heart slamming against my ribs.
“In fact the last time I saw you, you were right here, in this pool, clinging onto your dad and looking just about as scared as you do now!”
It was lucky Mack was holding me because everything started to spin.
“I haven’t got a dad,” I whispered. “I’ve never met him. You must be mixing me up with someone else.”
Colin looked confused. He shook his head, rubbing his chin. “It was a long time ago, Becky. You were only a toddler...”
“It. Wasn’t. Me,” I repeated very slowly, as if he was stupid. But somewhere deep inside I think I knew it was me. It didn’t make sense, but then nor had anything else since I’d arrived in Oakbridge.
Mack seemed just as confused as his dad. He lifted me out of the pool and I sat on the side in a puddle of cold water, my arms wrapped around my knees.
“I’ve g-got to g-go,” I said. “I’ve g-got to g-go straight home.” My teeth were chattering so badly I could hardly speak.
Mack pulled himself out of the water and hurried round the pool to get my towel. Colin followed him and when he caught up they stood there talking, their heads close together. I watched them from where I was sitting. Mack shifted from one foot to the other, shrugging with his palms up. He glanced back at me and shrugged again. They talked for another minute and then Colin strode off, disappearing into an office at the side of the pool, through a door that said Staff Only.
I don’t know how I managed to get changed. I was shaking all over and I couldn’t make my arms and legs work properly to get my clothes on. How could Colin know me? How could he have seen me with my dad? It had to be a mistake – either that or Mum had lied to me about everything. I’d spent most of my life trying to find out why my dad wasn’t around, but it felt much safer, suddenly, to imagine he’d been off in the rainforest fixing the planet, rather than right here at Farnsbury leisure centre.
“What was all that about?” said Mack when I came out to the front. “Are you okay?”
I nodded. “It’s just that my mum left Oakbridge before I was born. That’s what she’s always told me – that I never met my dad – but now I’m not so sure.”
“Well, my dad says he’s certain he remembers you when you were a little girl, but he refused to say anything else. He didn’t mean to upset you, Becky.”
“I know, it’s not his fault. I just need to talk to my mum.”
We wandered down the road to the bus stop. “What are you going to do?” said Mack. “Are you going to tell her what he said?”
“I really want to, but it’s complicated. My mum’s been in such a state since she walked out on her job, and there’s other stuff...” I hesitated, biting my lip. Mack was so easy to talk to, but I didn’t want to pour out my entire life history. We were supposed to be having a laugh, but it had all turned so heavy.
“Well, I definitely think you should tell her,” said Mack quietly. “When my mum and dad broke up they tried to hide things from me because they thought it would be for the best, that I wouldn’t notice what was going on, but I just ended up thinking it was all my fault and that they were splitting up because of me.”
“But why would my mum say she left Oakbridge when she was pregnant with me if she didn’t? Why would she lie about that?”
“I don’t have a clue,” said Mack, “but whatever the reason, it’s always better to know the truth.”
I repeated that one line to myself all the way back to Oakbridge. It’s always better to know the truth. It’s always better to know the truth. I said it so many times it stopped making sense – it was just a string of random words. Mack chatted away, telling me all about his mum and dad getting divorced – about how Colin used to stay out late every night and see other women and about how he owed money to loads of different people – but it was impossible to concentrate. I knew I had to ask Mum the truth, but it suddenly seemed as if the truth might be so totally unbelievable, it would be like walking through a door into a completely different world.
I left Mack outside the Jacksons’ and ran down to the Butterfly Garden to try and clear my head before I went home. I remembered what Rosa May had said when I told her about finding the photo – that if Mum had managed to keep a baby secret for so many years she might be keeping all sorts of other secrets from me too. She was waiting for me at our special shady spot, holding a long daisy chain.
“Look what I made for you, Becky,” she called out as I ran towards her. “It took me ages and ages. It kept breaking.” She jumped up to fasten the chain around my neck. I could feel her breath in my hair. It was such a relief to see her.
“How’s your mum today? Is that why you’re so late?”
I nodded, turning round to give her a hug. “She’s worse than ever. And you were right, she’s hiding all sorts of stuff from me. Stuff that happened years ago when I was a little girl.” I had to be careful. I couldn’t tell her about Colin or she’d know I’d been swimming with Mack. I hated keeping it from her, but I couldn’t face another scene.
“You haven’t told her about finding the photo have you?”
I shook my head. “No, I haven’t said anything. Not yet.”
“What do you mean, ‘not yet’? Are you planning to ask her about it then?”
“Not about the photo, not while she’s in such a fragile state, but I do want to know about my dad.” I blinked back tears. It was beginning to sink in. Colin had actually seen me with my dad. If he was right, if he really had seen us together at the pool, then my dad must’ve left after I was born, not before. And suddenly it
came to me, flashing in front of my eyes like a massive neon sign: Mr. Jackson’s crossword clue from all those weeks ago. To cast away, leave or desert, seven letters, first letter A. It was Abandon. A needle of pain pierced deep into my heart. My dad had abandoned me.
I thought about how I’d scratched my name into the window sill the night before we moved, just in case. The real reason I’d been so desperate to leave my mark. Clinging to the hope that he was out there, searching for me, when he’d probably known where I was all along.
Rosa May was stroking my hair. “Does your mum ever talk about the past at all?” she said. “Has she told you anything about her old life in Oakbridge?”
“Not really,” I said, feeling shaky. “I mean, I know she met my dad here when she was really young and that she was best friends with Stella, but that’s it.” I stood there in Rosa May’s arms, feeling weak, as if my muscles had turned to water. I didn’t know if it was the shock or the heat or both of them combined. I just wanted to lie down in the grass and go to sleep until everything was back to normal.
“I hate your mum,” said Rosa May suddenly, spitting the words out like bullets.
I pulled away shocked. “What do you mean? You don’t even know her.”
She turned scarlet, her face burning up. I think it was the first time I’d ever seen her embarrassed. “I know enough,” she said. “It’s a small village, Becky. People talk.”
“What people? What do you mean?”
“Just people,” she muttered, and then jumped up before I could ask her what she was talking about. “I’m going for a swim if you want to join me,” she called over her shoulder. But I shook my head, more confused than ever. Rosa May was the closest friend I’d ever had, but sometimes it felt as if I didn’t know her at all.
I left the Garden while she was still swimming. I knew she’d be upset, but I was determined to talk to Mum and I had to get home before I lost my nerve. I’d asked her about my dad so many times, but I wasn’t going to let her wriggle out of the conversation or twist things round this time. I’d tell her what Colin said, and then, when she was feeling stronger, I’d tell her I’d seen the photo. I needed to know about the past, about what happened before I was born; however difficult it was.
Butterfly Summer Page 10