by Kata Čuić
As abruptly as he began, he stills, gasping out his release on a long moan while his body trembles on top of mine. His weight threatens to crush me as he goes limp on top of me, but I’m still floating on a cloud of bliss, surely never to return to earth. The combined pounding of our hearts lulls me into a state of half-consciousness. I startle when he rolls off me, pulling out before I’m ready to part with him.
I’m still too dazed to do anything other than listen as he retreats to the bathroom. The door snicks shut, there’s a lapse of silence, then the sound of water running, followed by more stillness.
Just as I’m beginning to think he’s changed his mind about staying for a few hours, he returns and climbs into bed beside me. In the darkness, his face remains hidden while he lays on his back, too much distance between us on the mattress for me to believe he plans on staying. His chest rises and falls in a steady rhythm, eventually convincing me he’s already fallen asleep.
His voice sounds gravelly when he surprises me with words. “I’d apologize for it being over so fast, but I warned you it wouldn’t be good for you.”
All I’m capable of is rolling my head to stare at him in shock. Is he joking? How can he not know that was the best I’ve ever had? I can’t even speak. I’m paralyzed by what he’s done to me, though I want so, so badly for him to read my mind and pull me into his arms.
“If you want me to go, so you can take care of yourself with the replacement vibrator I got you, just say the word.”
I may never be able to use a vibrator again. Nothing will ever come close to what I’ve just experienced. Pun intended.
“Emma? Are you already asleep?” There’s a hint of hopefulness in his voice. “I never thought of boring you to sleep with bad sex. I guess that’s worth keeping in my back pocket. The next time you’re making my ears bleed with random word vomit, I’ll just fuck you into silence. Yeah, that could work.” He pauses. “Unless you’re not talking to me because you’re upset.” He rolls up onto his elbow, bringing his face close enough to mine to peer at me in the dark. His mouth flattens into a hard line. “You’re awake.”
I blink at him and nod. Even that slight movement feels monumental for my spent muscles.
“Are you being so quiet because you’re mad at me?”
I shake my head.
“Are you just trying to lull me into a false sense of security, so you can cut off my dick while I’m asleep?”
I shake my head again. And crack a small smile.
His gaze roams over my features, hopefully seeing my half-closed eyes, upturned mouth, and relaxed state for what they are—near total satisfaction. He must interpret my appearance differently because his expression grows serious. “Did I hurt you? I told you I wouldn’t be gentle.”
It’s obvious I’m not going to get what I want without speaking up. He’s too lost in his own self-loathing to see things as they really are. I clear my throat, bolstering one last shot of energy. “Hold me.”
Shock descends over his features. “You want me to…hold you?”
I nod, my voice escaping in a whimper of begging and exhaustion. “Please.”
He doesn’t seem convinced but adjusts himself at my side and gathers me into his arms, anyway, muttering as he does, “You’re definitely going to cut off my dick tonight. And I’m being stupid enough to fall for it.”
The sensation of his bare skin against mine and the warmth of his body enveloping me feels like every fantasy I’ve ever had come to fruition. I sigh, the only outward show of contentment I’m capable of.
Lie: Misery loves company.
True to his word, Jason is gone by the time I blink open my eyes to the early morning sunshine. My body protests the usual stretches before I roll out of bed. Muscles I’ve never worked at the gym before scream, and I can’t help but wonder why. It’s not like I did anything other than lay there and take whatever he gave me.
And oh, he gave me more than I ever thought possible. Until last night, multiple orgasms were an unachievable myth—even under my own supposedly capable hands.
A frown pulls at my lips which still feel swollen from his rough kisses. The Panhell girls were right. He’s an absolute animal in the bedroom. Maybe not the way they imagine with kinky sex toys and an affinity for spanking, but they’re going to piss themselves with laughter when I waddle to our planning meeting later.
I hate they’re right about him and know him better than I do in some ways. Jason would be so smug if he ever found out I’ve imagined him making love to me in the slowest, gentlest, most tender way possible.
Just as he promised, there is no magical morning elixir wafting from my coffee pot. No white paper bag left anywhere conspicuous for me to spy, then promptly scarf down its contents. I limp to the bathroom in search of a hot shower which will hopefully loosen me up enough for the walk to The Beanery. Even traveling only a few blocks seems like an insurmountable feat in my current state. As I wait for the water to reach the scorching temperature I need, my brain hiccups with the thought I imagined it all. Other than my physical aches, there’s nothing left behind to prove Jason was ever here, not even the anticipated bruises. In my growing desperation, I check the wastebasket for a used condom. It’s empty.
By the time I trudge through the front door of the coffee shop, I’m running twenty minutes late, in an increasingly foul mood, and have no desire to play nice with others, let alone put on an Oscar-worthy performance of feigning ignorance about the inevitable truths versus lie debate which always follows a fresh round of texts on Sunday mornings.
Identical expressions of wide eyes and wider grins train on me when I flop down into a seat, immediately wincing in regret over my poor choice of movement.
“My, my, my. Someone looks rode hard and put up very wet this morning.” Jacquelyn smirks at me over the rim of her coffee cup.
I flip her the bird with my free hand that isn’t clutching my lifeline of a black magic mocha with an extra shot of espresso. That’s a completely unlady-like reaction for a Sigma Sister, but zero fucks are given this morning about anything other than Jason’s vanishing act. He’s not even still in the back of The Beanery, baking away his frustrations. Yes, I asked the barista as she was making my coffee like the clingy fake girlfriend I’ve apparently become.
Am I still a fake girlfriend? Was that just animal sex between us? I shudder at the thought. Jason swore he’d never be like Kieran. Maybe he only meant his appearance.
Lisa laughs at my physical reaction to the idea. “That good or that bad?”
“Not sure yet,” I admit, taking a large enough gulp of hot coffee to ensure I won’t taste anything again for a few days.
“Oh my God.” Jacquelyn leans forward in her seat, then lowers her voice. “Did the condom break? Did you forget your birth control this week? We can take you to student health for a morning after pill and a sexual health work up right now. Don’t even worry about the meeting.”
Her visceral reaction stuns me. Has that sort of thing happened to her in the past? Or, do they automatically assume the worst-case scenarios because Jason is involved? “No,” I hedge. “I’m not worried about anything like that.”
She leans back in her chair with a frown, then holds up her phone. “Well, maybe you should be before you end up like Layla.”
I know what she’s referring to without even checking last night’s mass text. “What do you mean?”
“Layla wasn’t too concerned about her broken condom incident, either. She convinced herself her birth control pills were enough back-up protection. What she forgot was that she had been on antibiotics for a week that month because of sinusitis. The only reason she had that abortion is because the syphilis she contracted from her hook-up caused the baby to die in her womb. It wasn’t so much an abortion as it was a D&C of a fetal corpse.”
Bile swims up my throat.
No, no, no, no, no. This isn’t supposed to happen.
Lisa glances around the mostly empty coffee shop with a panicked e
xpression before hissing, “That’s one of the truths? I figured for sure that was the lie!”
“I wish.” Jacquelyn frowns. “She was messed up for a good year after the fact. I have so much admiration for her. She could have dropped out of school, let her depression consume her, and it would have been totally justified after what she went through. It makes me sick to think one of our sisters she leaned on for strength in her darkest hours have obviously sold her out this way. No one outside of our sisterhood knew the truth about what happened. Not even Layla’s family knew.”
Tara flattens her mouth into a hard line. “Maybe it wasn’t one of your sisters who sold her out for a cheap thrill. What if she was on Hayleigh’s blacklist? That could be why her dirty laundry has been aired to the entire campus.”
Everyone trains their gazes on me with suspicion instead of excitement. Sweat beads on my forehead and trickles down my back.
After several beats of silence in which my pulse roars in my ears, Jacquelyn shakes her head. “It sounds awful to say aloud, but I honestly hope so. I can’t stomach the thought one of our sisters would betray Layla that way. But, I also don’t know how Hayleigh would know about it. She might be a supreme bitch, but even she isn’t omniscient. I can’t imagine any scenario where Layla would divulge that information to her.”
“Maybe Layla didn’t,” Tara insists. “Any one of your sisters who knew could have said something to someone else in passing, and it eventually made its way to Hayleigh. The bigger question is: Why would Layla be on Hayleigh’s blacklist?”
“Panhell.”
Everyone’s eyes widen in both fear and understanding.
Jacquelyn continues, “Remember last year? Layla beat Hayleigh for the position of Panhell secretary. Our house campaigned hard for her because we knew she needed something positive to focus on after what she’d been through. It’s very possible one of our sisters let the reason why slip to someone as a way to sway votes in Layla’s direction. It’s also possible that’s what landed Layla on Hayleigh’s radar.”
I swallow down the sour taste in my throat. The somber expressions of the women before me seem to blur together as the room tilts and the floor beneath my feet falls away. I hadn’t known anything about what happened on Panhell last year.
Oh, God. What have I done?
Jacquelyn wraps a stabilizing arm around my shoulders. “You’re white as a ghost. Please. Please let me take you to the student health clinic. It’s better to be safe than sorry. I swear, I will not breathe a word of this. And neither will anyone here.”
They nod in response to Jacquelyn’s glare which demands agreement.
“It was nothing like that, I promise.” The vow tastes like ash in my mouth. “He just ghosted me, that’s all.”
“Figures,” Jacquelyn scoffs. “Which is exactly why women should stick together instead of acting like life is some kind of competition the way Hayleigh does. We can’t afford to do anything but lift each other up. The patriarchy is ready and waiting to tear us down. It’s us against them.”
“Amen.” Lisa raises her mug in a toast. “Sisters before misters. We can have a good time with or without them, if you know what I mean.”
Tara barks out a harsh laugh. “My rabbit gives me way more pleasure than any man ever has. If you want children, then they’re a necessary evil as sperm donors. Other than that, men are more trouble than they’re worth.”
They continue to vilify the male gender as I sit, mute. The world I’ve carefully constructed collapses around me, regardless of my planning and efforts to avoid the worst-case scenarios. And it has nothing to do with the man who brought me more pleasure last night than I’ve ever been capable of reaching on my own.
A hand juts forward to cover the pages of my book, effectively ripping me from my daydream of running away and assuming a new identity. In all my years at Wellbridge, no one has ever encroached on my solitude before. I’ve honestly been starting to believe no one else knows about this hidden alcove in the upper floor of the main campus library.
“So, this is where you’ve been hiding all week.” Kieran offers me a strangely shy smile from the opposite side of the small table.
“How did you find me?”
He shrugs while looking around to examine the intricate scrollwork on the marble walls. Columns of swirled gray seem to hold up the very ceiling, framed by beautiful fleur de lis of the same color and texture. This sanctuary is as aesthetically pleasing as it is secret. Or, it was…until now.
“We were together for nearly two years. I know your habits.”
I blink at him. Understanding is just on the edge of my periphery. “You’ve been following me?”
“I check up on you from time to time without you realizing, yeah.”
I don’t bother holding back a well-timed scoff. “This from the guy who admitted I’ll never replace the woman who has his heart for all eternity? No offense, but if all you wanted me for was sex, then ‘checking up’ on me when I don’t know it isn’t cute or romantic. It’s creepy. And borderline stalker behavior.”
His expression turns properly chastised, with just the barest hint of flush coloring his cheeks. “I didn’t mean any harm.”
Those words hold so much more weight for me than they might have before. The fight drains out of me in an audible whoosh. “I know.”
He trains a heavy gaze on me. “You haven’t been seen anywhere on campus other than classes, not even with Jason. You’re not returning my texts about potential reveals this weekend. Rosie claims she hasn’t seen or heard from you. I’m worried. What’s going on?”
My throat burns with the effort of holding back. I want to be having this conversation, I do. I just want to be having it with someone else. Someone I trust. “Nothing. Just studying for finals and trying to get ahead on my coursework for the spring semester.”
He reaches across the table to encase my hand with his own. “Lie to someone who doesn’t know you in the Biblical sense.”
I wrench my hand free and resist the urge to tell him he knows very little about my sexual preferences, in spite of all the time we’ve spent in his bedroom. “I don’t really have time for games today. Why are you here?”
His demeanor immediately shifts from open to business-like. “Straight to the point and with no pretense. You’re learning little grasshopper. Fine. Let’s get right to it. Are you thinking of backing out on our operation? Rumor has it Layla is suicidal after that last reveal. I can see how that would affect someone as sensitive as you. If you’re having second thoughts, I need to know, so I can course correct.”
His brusque manner in regard to such heavy consequences sours my stomach. It’s obvious he’s only in this for himself. No noble ideas of righteous revenge can justify bringing another person to their knees. And that only firms my resolve to stay in the fold, even if I may inadvertently make missteps. “No. I’m not having second thoughts.”
He nods. “Good. I’m glad to hear that. I couldn’t pull this off without you.”
His validation falls flat to my bruised conscience. “You would do this with or without me. Don’t insult my intelligence.”
“You’re right. I won’t.” He seems to think his words over before he spits them out. “Are you maybe pulling out of the limelight this week because of Jason, then? What did he do?”
As if I’m going to use Kieran as my own personal relationship therapist. As ironic as it is, I pull a page from Rosie’s playbook—I feign stupidity. “What do you mean?”
“You two have been hot and heavy all over campus until this week. I’m not the only one smelling blood in the water. His groupies are circling without you there to fend off their advances.”
Maybe I haven’t heard from him because he only needed me as a safe place to land after what Hayleigh did to him—a self-esteem booster, so to speak. Obviously, I can’t reveal any of that to Kieran. I have to keep up the ruse, no matter how deeply it slices. “Jason already told you. We’re nothing more than meets the eye. He
wasn’t lying.”
Kieran’s dark eyes rove over me in a way that makes me think he knows there’s far more to the story. “He’s competing with me, whether he realizes it or not.”
“Do tell.”
Once again, his hand finds mine. “He’s trying to prove himself as the worthier choice. If he’s unattainable and seemingly out of your league, you’ll want him that much more.”
I can’t help but bark out a sarcastic laugh. “Is that what you were to me, Kieran? Unattainable and out of my league?”
“Yes.”
As if telling me I’m a physical-only replacement for a dead woman isn’t debilitating enough to my self-confidence. I don’t have to sit here and listen to this. My chair falls to the floor as I stand to hurriedly collect my things.
He stands, too, then grabs my wrist before I can leave. “Hear me out. Please. I swear, I’m only trying to help. That’s all I’ve ever done with you.”
I narrow my eyes. “You have ten seconds to say something that doesn’t make me want to throat punch you.”
“I saw something in you I recognized in myself. You needed someone.” He releases me, then shoves his hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels in another uncharacteristic display of discomfort. “I wanted to be that someone. I thought maybe we could…help each other.”
As much as my brain screams this is a bad idea… “I’m listening.”
“I gave you all I had to give. Honest. I didn’t come clean to hurt your feelings. In fact, I only waited this long because I knew you weren’t strong enough until now not to be crushed by the truth. I’m proud of how much you’ve grown up since we met.”
“Patronizing me is the wrong way to go, pal. I don’t need your approval.”
His eyes light up as a handsome smile overtakes his face. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. When I first met you, no way would you have stood up for yourself like that. You were so busy trying to fit in with everyone around you, you never stood a shot at finding yourself.”