by Kata Čuić
It probably says a lot about my mental state that I enjoy him begging for me, even in the same breath as denying me. Or maybe it just says I’m hopelessly addicted to this man, for whatever breadcrumbs he’ll give me. I guess I haven’t learned as much from Kieran as I thought.
With more defeat piling on my shoulders, I nod in acceptance.
Seemingly unaware I’m giving in rather than jumping on his offer for a date, he bounds around the car to open my door, proudly tucking my hand in the crook of his elbow to lead me into the restaurant. He spoke of feeling like a peacock at the Holiday Bash, and he’s definitely strutting now as he asks the hostess for a table for two.
The weight of stares pushes me closer to his side. They watch every subtle movement he makes. Some even lean together to whisper and gesture to their friends who have their backs to us.
It’s been so long since I’ve been in a situation where people aren’t used to Jason’s appearance. I forgot how fucking angry it makes me. And how guilty.
I was in their shoes once.
Sensing my rage, Jason pats my hand which is clutching his arm a little too tightly. “They’ll get over it. Just like your brothers did.”
I stare up at him, an achingly familiar awe tingling my skin. “How do you do it?”
“I don’t have a choice.” He leans down until his breath washes over my lips. “You do.”
“Not anymore. You took that away from me.”
He straightens. “What if I told you that you’re my greatest revenge?”
“What is this, The Matrix? Are you going to offer me a red or blue pill next?”
He chuckles but doesn’t respond as the hostess leads us to our table. Unfortunately, we’re not tucked away in a dark corner where no one will continue to stare. The entire restaurant seems to hold its breath as Jason pulls out a chair for me in the center of the dining area. “Do you want a bottle of wine?”
“Do you need a buzz to tell me what’s going on?”
“No, but I thought it might help you ignore their stares.” He picks up his menu, placing it strategically in front of his face. Within seconds of being freed from the burden of sight, people resume normal conversations around us.
I swallow down the ball of guilt in my throat. “We still have a long drive home. Neither of us should drink anything.”
“Okay.”
No further explanation comes from his side of the table, and frankly, I expected as much. “For what it’s worth, their stares don’t bother me for me; they bother me for you.”
He doesn’t lower the menu. “Okay.”
Annoyance simmers in my veins. He must have been telling the truth about being hungry. This dinner obviously isn’t a chance to spend time together, talking.
“What can I get you to drink this evening?” I startle at the voice of our server. She smiles sweetly at us.
“I’ll have a water with lemon, please.”
“Absolutely. And for you, sir?”
“The same, thanks. Could we get an appetizer started while we decide on our main courses?”
“Of course. What would you like?”
Jason lowers his menu to aim a silent question my way.
The server gasps.
She actually gasps out loud.
My fingers wrap so tightly around the nearest object to me, my knuckles crack with the strain.
“We’ll have the appetizer platter.”
My death glare diverts from the server’s saucer-wide eyes to Jason’s reddening face. He isn’t embarrassed. His lips are pulled in tightly as he tries to hold back his laughter.
“What were you going to do? Gouge her eyes out with your spoon?”
I glance up to find the server gone, then down to discover my weapon of choice is, indeed, a spoon. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
He lets loose his pent-up laughter, which only causes more stares. They obviously don’t see any reason for him to be so happy. “There was a time in my life I couldn’t wait to go blind. You have absolutely changed my mind about that.”
“What? Why?” Even I understand his reasons for wanting an additional way to ignore people’s reaction to him.
“Because then I’ll miss out on seeing all the stupid shit you do.”
“You think this is funny?” I hiss, clutching the spoon tighter. I’m all too willing to help him speed up his potential blindness.
“It’s hysterical.” He continues to laugh even as he pries my fingers from the utensil. “I have to admit, I’d hate not seeing your beautiful face, too.”
“Your fake compliments are wasted on me. You’ve already proven exactly how you feel.”
He sobers in an instant, wrapping his hand more firmly around mine. “I feel enough to make a deal with the devil.”
I’ve had enough of the cat and mouse games to last a lifetime. “Start talking.”
He disentangles our hands but doesn’t disengage eye contact. “Rosie set up the meeting between me and Hayleigh.”
I nod. This isn’t new information. Even if she hadn’t somewhat admitted it, the writing was on the wall that night.
“Hayleigh already knew who blew her cover about the blacklist. She’d only ever admitted its existence to one person.”
Some of the puzzle pieces fall into place. “Rosie.”
“Exactly. Hayleigh is smart enough to know what she can and can’t get away with. The damage has already been done. All she can do is try to save face. So, she made Rosie an offer she couldn’t refuse.”
“I thought she made you an offer you couldn’t refuse?”
“She did, but she had to find a pathway to get me to agree. Rosie was it.”
I nod again, though I don’t understand at all.
“Bottom line: Hayleigh wants to save her reputation. She figures being with me will gain her sympathy and renewed popularity.” Jason grimaces. “I never thought I’d be the most wanted man on campus for anything other than being an eyesore, but here we are.”
I never imagined this would be the reality of my senior year of college, so I empathize with that. “I still don’t see what Hayleigh could have possibly offered you to make you agree to be her pawn.”
My tongue perches on the roof of my mouth, aching to reveal everything I’m not supposed to know about their history. If I put myself in Jason’s position, there’s nothing she could say to make me align myself with her.
“The beauty is she never offered anything. I simply saw an opportunity, and I took it.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
Our conversation pauses as the server reappears with our appetizers and obviously avoids interaction with Jason as much as possible while we place our dinner orders. The moment she scurries away, he continues without being prompted. “She already knows the blacklist is out there. She all but admitted it’s true, and Rosie is a corroborating witness to that. If there is even a single charge brought up because of Layla’s suicide, Hayleigh is going to take the fall for those reveals.”
“What?” I’m practically sprawled across the table to be closer to him, so no one overhears us. “How could she possibly be held accountable? She didn’t come up with those reveals; I did!”
“No one knows that.” Jason doesn’t seem at all bothered by these developments. He’s acting as though we’re at a casual dinner date, filling his small plate with bite-sized morsels, then inhaling them like this conversation hasn’t ruined his appetite. “The entire student body of Wellbridge suspects she’s behind it, thanks to her own vindictive behavior. It’s the perfect set up.”
“How?” I nearly screech but remember our surroundings. I’m starting to wonder if the only reason Jason didn’t insist on dinner was to minimize my reaction. This set up smacks of Kieran’s same plan when he confessed his dead girlfriend to me at The Beanery. “Nothing about this is perfect. She might be the vilest person on the planet, but you cannot possibly be considering setting her up for something she didn’t do!”
“I don’t want to go
that route.” He pauses to swallow his mouthful of food. “But, if my hand is forced, I will. And I won’t lose a second of sleep over it.”
I slump back in my chair, all the wonderment of his strong character evaporating before my eyes. “You are a villain, then.”
He rolls his eyes as if I’m being overly dramatic. “I keep trying to tell you that. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why you think I’m anything else.”
If only this situation was as black and white as heroes and villains. Unfortunately, I can’t erase my knowledge of the gray. “Is this because of what she did to you in high school? Is this another way for you to have your revenge?”
He shakes his head, grumbling. “I should’ve known Ro would tell you about that. Getting drunk with her and spilling my guts is going to be one of the two biggest regrets I’ll carry for the rest of my life.”
Hopefully, his current plan and involvement in an illegal fighting ring comprise part of that. “What’s your other biggest regret?”
Jason raises his gaze. “Pushing you into Kieran’s arms to keep you out of mine.”
I didn’t think I could be any more shocked by this conversation. All the times I fantasized he’d reveal the truth to me, it was never supposed to be like this. Until those words fell from his lips, I wasn’t even sure they were true.
“At the time, I needed to keep you at a safe distance. Safe for me. If I had known he was going to use you and cause you hurt the way he did, I never would have done it. I’m not setting Hayleigh up to get back at her for what she did to me. I accepted my place in life a long time ago. What she did was completely in line with my expectations. Until you crashed into my world and made me question everything I thought I knew.” He reaches for my hand again. “I would do anything to give back to you even a fraction of what you’ve given me. Hayleigh isn’t my revenge because I’m setting her up to take the blame. You’re my revenge because I was never supposed to be loved by anyone as much as I love you.”
“How long, exactly, have you known I love you?” All my witty comebacks are erased by a single stupid question escaping my lips. Of course, he knows. I’ve admitted it, but his admission feels bigger than the events of the past few months.
A slow smile spreads across his face. “Not even the sunniest disposition or the most caring doctor would put up with what I’ve dished out to you if it wasn’t for love.” He doesn’t bother to release his hold on me as the server sets our main dishes in front of us. “I might be ugly, but I’m not stupid.”
The waitress turns an embarrassed shade of red before she walks away without apologizing for her shitty behavior.
“There’s no way Danishes and morning coffee were enough for you to keep me around. You could get those from anyone. If Kieran had given you everything you needed, you never would have shown up at my door in the middle of the night and been content to sit in silence with me. I’ve known for a long time. Knowing and believing are actually a lot more different than they seem.”
“Yeah.” The word escapes me in a breathy sigh, reminiscent of my daydreams where I’m the seductive heroine. My agreement has nothing to do with lust and everything to do with complete understanding.
“You’ve given me more than I ever thought possible. But, being the villain I am, I’m going to selfishly ask for one more thing.”
“What’s that?” As much as I love Jason, there’s no way I’ll be complicit in harming an innocent person. Not even Hayleigh.
“If all we ever have is this one night, then I want it to be everything you’ve ever imagined. A nice romantic dinner, easy conversation with a friend, and no worries about anything outside this restaurant.”
Lie: The best fantasies are rooted in reality.
“No worries about anything outside this restaurant, huh?” I glance up at Jason’s confused expression as he stares at the parking lot. Our hair is damp within a minute. “Don’t act like you didn’t plan this. Did your perfect evening include getting stranded in a random town, so we’d have to rent a hotel room? For as much as you detest clichés, this is a big one.”
He gazes up at the snowflakes still falling steadily, which coat his eyelashes as he blinks. “It seemed like it was slowing down before we came in, and the highways were decent. I really thought we could spare an hour.”
An hour, maybe. Unfortunately, our impromptu date lasted for three hours, complete with appetizer, main course, dessert, and coffee. The longer we stayed at our table, the more our server’s patience seemed to unravel. Jason and I spent another twenty minutes arguing over the generous tip he left her. I thought it was undeserved. He insisted she was professional and could have behaved much worse. He won the debate after sharing a story of his family being kicked out of a restaurant when he was only ten because the manager claimed he was ruining the other patron’s appetites. Apparently, his face used to look much worse before all the laser treatments he underwent over a course of several years.
There are at least three new inches of glittering powder covering everything in sight. We’re used to heavy snow in the winter in New England, so it’s not surprising the restaurant is still full of patrons who likely live in town, but there’s no way we can drive another two hours home in these conditions.
“It’s not like this storm came out of nowhere. They’ve been screaming about it in the forecast for over a week. Mom knew I might have to stop somewhere overnight. You’re the planner.” He smirks as we trudge through the parking lot. “Did you seriously not have a contingency for this option?”
“I really didn’t.” In all fairness to me, I haven’t been at the top of my game in quite some time.
He ushers me inside the car. “You’d better text to let her know you won’t make it home tonight, then.”
“She’ll just freak out over the possibility of me staying in a hotel alone, then send my dad to come fetch me.”
Jason nods like it’s completely reasonable for me not to be capable of handling myself independently. “Tell her you’re with me.”
“I’m not going to tell her that!”
“Why not?” He grins. “Your mom loves me.”
Much like the great tip deliberation, my arguments are wasted. Jason will do whatever he wants, and I do need to let my mom know I won’t make it home until tomorrow.
I fire off a quick text while he cleans off the car.
Me: Stuck in Connecticut because of the snow.
Stopping for the night. Will be home tomorrow.
Mom: Please tell me Jason found you.
Me: Yes… How did you know about that?
Mom: I love you. Have a great night!
Mom: Oh, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to be a grandma yet! Use protection!
There’s no need for Jason to crank the heater when he slides into the driver’s seat. My face is on fire.
“Everything settled?” He doesn’t wait for an answer as he begins slowly navigating the streets, trying to keep the tires in the grooves made by cars in front of us.
“Did you call my mom to let her know you were coming to find me?”
An evil smile lights up his face in the dark cabin of the car. “You were the one who gave me her number, freshman year. I finally had a reason to use it.”
I hunker down in the passenger seat, stewing. If Jason wanted this to be a night from my fantasies, then he’s in for some serious disappointment. The big “I love you” is supposed to be exchanged under the most romantic circumstances, complete with flowers, candles, maybe even a picnic by a sparkling lake. He’s not supposed to have figured it out before I even had the wherewithal to admit it to myself. He’s definitely not supposed to think of it as his own personal revenge.
He pulls into the lot of the first chain hotel we find. It’s not fancy like the restaurant, but the vacancy sign is lit, and the roads are getting worse by the second. “Stay put. I’ll go get us a room.”
“Embarrassed to be seen with me? Don’t want them to know you’re only renting a room for a cl
andestine hookup?” It’s mean, and I know it, but…
“I don’t want to have to bail you out of jail if you decide to assault the front desk clerk for gagging at the sight of me.” Jason leans over to kiss the tip of my nose, then he’s gone.
I try to hold onto my anger. I try to dwell on all the ways this doesn’t match up to my daydreams of love at all. Deep down, there’s no way for me to extinguish the smolder of desire pooling between my legs. Jason’s promise to make love to me dances in my memory, drowning out the little voice in my head which says this is all wrong.
By the time we’re unlocking the door to our rental, virtually no cars pass on the main road. The highway is assuredly shut down until the snow ebbs and the plows can get through. We got the second to last available room.
“It’s not much,” Jason admits as he looks around at the meager furnishings of a bright orange pleather chair and a queen bed with a decidedly outdated comforter, “but, it’ll keep us warm, dry, and from dying in a fiery explosion on the interstate.”
I close the blinds to the outside world. “I think it’s too wet out there for a fiery explosion. A slow death from hypothermia after our car runs off the road seems more plausible. It’s apparently one of the nicest ways to die, though.”
He cocks an eyebrow at me. “Sometimes I wonder what really goes in that brain of yours.”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“Yes.” He approaches me carefully, like I may bolt back into the snow if I don’t like what he does or says. And knowing what I know about his history, that seems justified. “I would like to know.”
“What did Rosie blackmail you with to attend the Fall Opener party?” If we’re going to talk further about plans for ending things, the beginning of this mess seems like a good place to start. Even though Rosie might be right about Jason loving me, that doesn’t mean I trust her any more than I trust anyone these days. It still bothers me I haven’t seen or heard a peep from her since the Holiday Bash.
Jason sweeps his big hands against my hair, pushing the damp locks away from my face. “She threatened to tell you how I pushed you together with Kieran.”