Their kiss deepened. She savoured the old familiar taste and scent of him. His hands moulded her to him, it was as though all the years slipped away and they had never been parted.
‘I want you,’ Chris murmured. ‘Ellen, Ellen, it’s been so long. It’s driving me crazy. You’re all I can think about.’ He was so aroused he wanted to take her there, pressed up against the wall in the hallway.
Ellen stared into his eyes, which were glazed with desire. He was pressing against her, his hands frantically trying to undo the knot of her dressing-gown belt.
‘I want you. I want you, baby.’ His breathing was harsh, hot against her neck as he nuzzled into her. His hunger aroused her. She wanted to touch him, taste him. She wanted to feel him inside her. Although she’d kissed and cuddled with other men, she’d never had full sex with anyone since Chris. He was the deepest, truest love of her life. He was the only one she wanted.
The sound of a sleepy childish cough, upstairs, penetrated her sensual daze.
‘Stop, Chris. Stop!’ Ellen twisted away from his kiss.
‘No, no. Please, Ellen. Please let me make love to you.’
‘I can’t. It’s not right. Stephanie might hear,’ Ellen whispered.
‘We’ll be quiet. Come on, love.’ Chris sought her lips again.
‘Let me go, Chris.’ She turned her head away.
‘Aw, Ellen.’ Chris rested his head on her shoulder. They stood, holding each other. After a while he said, ‘I’m sorry. That wasn’t in the script.’ He smiled wryly. ‘You always did get to me.’
‘Only when it suited you,’ Ellen said sadly.
‘Can’t we be friends?’ His tone was weary.
Ellen looked at him. He’d been vigorous, full of energy and enthusiasm and ideas when she’d known him, but the Chris she was looking at now seemed tired and spent. His boyish good looks were coarsened by age, a hint of jowls marred his once firm jawline. Incredibly, Ellen found herself feeling sorry for him.
‘Let’s go upstairs and have a cup of tea.’ She walked ahead of him and led the way into the sitting-room.
‘This is nice.’ He looked around approvingly.
‘Sit down, Chris. I’ll make the tea.’
‘I’ll come out to the kitchen and talk to you while you’re doing it.’
Ellen was in such a tizzy, she didn’t know if she was coming or going. She was immensely conscious of Chris watching her as she filled the kettle. Her hands shook as she took down cups and saucers from the dresser.
‘Why did you come?’ she blurted out.
‘Are you sorry I did?’
‘Yes . . . No . . . I don’t know.’ She was utterly confused. The peace of mind she’d struggled so hard to achieve over the years had just shattered into a thousand pieces. She was back to square one.
‘I wanted us to be friends. I wanted to see my daughter,’ Chris said.
‘How can we be just friends? There’s too much between us. Look what happened in the hall,’ Ellen argued.
‘If you want to be more than friends, I’d be very happy.’ Chris looked her straight in the eye.
‘But what about your wife?’ She had to ask the question.
‘Look, Ellen. Suzy’s a great girl. But I should never have married her. She wanted it and she pushed until she got it. I’ve stuck it until now but I’m miserable because I can’t stop thinking about you. She shouldn’t have married me. She thought she’d change me but she won’t. You’re the only one who understands me.’
‘Oh, Chris, how typical. Everyone’s to blame except you. Suzy shouldn’t have married you. You’re miserable because of me. Grow up and take responsibility for your actions.’ Ellen angrily clattered teaspoons onto saucers.
‘You’ve changed.’ Chris frowned. His eyes were bleak. The old Ellen would never have said that to him.
‘Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I’ve changed. I had to. I had a child to bring up. I had to put up with a mother who will never forgive me for the shame I brought on the family. I had to survive the gossip and slurs and judgement of so-called Christians here in Glenree. There were times when I wanted to kill myself. Times when I wanted to give in to myself and wallow in misery. But I couldn’t allow myself the luxury of it. I had to get on with life for Stephanie’s sake. I had to face my mistakes and accept them. But it made me a much stronger person. I don’t expect anything from anybody. I take responsibility for myself. So yes, I’ve changed, Chris. I had to.’
‘You must really hate me,’ he said forlornly.
She looked at him. Her anger dissipated. She’d never been able to stay mad at him for long. And he had come to try and make up . . . even if it was six and a half years too late.
‘I don’t hate you. You know that, Chris.’
‘Do you forgive me?’ He cocked his head to one side the way he used to when he’d stood her up, or let her down in some way.
Ellen was silent. She knew he hadn’t the slightest idea of what she’d suffered. Do you forgive me, were only words to him.
‘Do you?’
‘Does it really matter to you, whether I forgive you or not?’
‘Yes it does, Ellen.’ He was emphatic.
‘I wish I could believe that,’ Ellen retorted.
‘Believe it, love, please.’ He came and stood in front of her and put his arms around her. ‘I’m desperately sorry for what I did to you. I want us to be friends. There’s nothing more I can say than that. I understand if you can’t forgive me.’
‘I do forgive you,’ Ellen murmured against his chest. She could feel the steady beat of his heart beneath his shirt.
‘I want you to be part of my life again. I want to get to know Stephanie.’
‘I don’t know, Chris. Maybe we’d be better off leaving things as they were,’ Ellen said doubtfully. She was disconcerted. She had Stephanie to think about. And Chris had a wife.
‘Just let me phone you, then. To talk, the way we used to. I could never talk to anyone the way I talked to you.’ He was very insistent. Ellen found it difficult to say no to him.
‘I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a few days to think it over. And then I’ll phone you and, if you want to keep in touch, you tell me. And if you don’t, I won’t bother you again. How about that?’
‘OK.’ It would give her time to think.
‘Could I have a peep in at Stephanie?’
‘Oh Chris. I don’t know. This is painful for me. I feel very angry and very resentful that you feel you can walk in here and just pick up where we left off as though nothing had happened,’ Ellen snapped.
‘I just wanted to see her once,’ he said sullenly. ‘She is my daughter after all.’
‘It’s a bit late for you to think of that now. Don’t give me that crap,’ Ellen said bitterly.
‘Ah, Ellen, don’t be like that.’
‘I’m sorry.’ It wasn’t in her nature to be unforgiving. Her heart softened as she looked up at him and saw the hurt in his eyes.
‘Come on.’ She took him by the hand and led him out to the hallway. She walked up the winding spiral staircase to the attic. He followed quietly behind.
Stephanie was fast asleep, her dark hair spread across the pillow, her cheeks rosy in sleep. Her battered old teddy was clutched in her arms. She looked peaceful and untroubled. Ellen watched Chris looking down at her and felt a lump in her throat.
‘She’s beautiful,’ he whispered. Ellen switched off the bedside lamp.
‘Yes she is,’ she said quietly.
They went back to the kitchen where their tea remained untouched. Neither of them wanted it.
‘Will you give me your home number?’ Chris asked.
Ellen knew it was time to make a decision. She could say no outright and never see him again or she could let him into her life once more. She knew what she should do, but it wasn’t what she wanted.
She went over to the dresser and got a pen and a slip of paper and wrote down her phone number.
Chris took the number
and put it in his inside pocket.
‘I’ll call you in a few days,’ he said quietly.
‘Maybe you’ll change your mind.’ Ellen fiddled with the cord of her dressing-gown.
‘I won’t.’ He took her face in his hands. ‘It was good to see you, Ellen.’
‘It was good to see you too,’ she said awkwardly.
‘I’ll go, then.’ Chris looked at her questioningly.
‘OK. I won’t come down with you. Just pull the door behind you.’
Chris looked disappointed. Well what did he think? That she was going to take him by the hand and bring him into the bedroom and let him seduce her? Did he think she was that much of a pushover?
It wasn’t until she heard the click of the front door as he closed it after him and she exhaled, that Ellen realized she’d been holding her breath.
She sank down into the armchair. Her heart was pounding. It was hard to take in. After all this time, Chris had turned up out of the blue. He’d told her all the things she’d wanted so badly to hear. Especially that he’d made a mistake marrying Suzy. But could she believe him? Chris was very plausible, but lies had tripped off his tongue so easily in the past.
Why had he come tonight? Obviously things weren’t going too well with Suzy. Maybe he was horny and frustrated and he thought he’d have a bit of diversion with good old Ellen.
Her cheeks burned as she remembered how she’d responded to him. The arrogance of him, to walk into her home after all these years without a word, and to start kissing her the way he had. What did he think, that she was some kind of a doormat? Ellen stood up and began to tidy up. She was angry. Once again, Chris had turned her life upside down. She folded up the paper, put the fireguard in front of the fire and switched out the lights. She went downstairs and locked the front door. The mirror reflected the soft peach light and her own troubled gaze.
‘Oh, Chris, Chris. What have you done to me?’ she whispered. He wanted to come back into her life. And that was what she’d always wanted. Wasn’t it? Why wasn’t she happy?
She went to bed and lay in the dark turning over every second of their encounter in her mind as she argued fiercely with herself.
He’s using you.
He really loves you, just like you knew he did.
He’s a lying, cheating bastard.
He does care about you, otherwise he wouldn’t have come back.
He really wanted you.
You really wanted him.
He’s married.
That’s her hard luck. All’s fair in love and war.
If he can deceive her, he can deceive you.
But if he was happy with her, he wouldn’t have been standing on your doorstep. Maybe you’re getting a second chance.
What about Stephanie? What are you going to tell her if you let him back into your life? Is it fair to her?
Is it fair to her to keep her father from getting to know her? She has a right to have a relationship with her father. And he wants to get to know her.
Ellen lay tossing and turning. After all this time, she’d lost hope that Chris would ever come back to her. And now he had. There had to be a reason. He must love her. He did love her. And she loved him. God knows she did. Seeing him again had unleashed all the emotions she’d buried away. Now that he was gone, she was beginning to regret letting him go. What if he didn’t ring as he said he would? Was it promises promises like the old days? Ellen turned over on her side and curled up in a ball. She knew she’d be on tenterhooks until he called. Some things never changed.
Chris let himself quietly into the house. There were no lights on downstairs. Suzy was in bed. He walked into the lounge, switched on a lamp, poured himself a brandy and sat down in his armchair.
He couldn’t believe that he’d driven over to Ellen’s. She’d been on his mind constantly since he’d seen her. Suzy was like a scorpion, bitter and angry over his admittedly unforgivable faux pas, when he’d breathed Ellen’s name during sex, the morning of the funeral.
The tension and rowing between them had been so bad over the weekend he’d felt like packing his bags and walking out. In an effort to pour oil over troubled waters, he’d suggested she get a babysitter so they could go out to dinner that night.
‘Take your tart out to dinner, and leave me alone,’ she’d snapped.
He was so angry he’d stormed out of the house and driven off in a temper. Before he knew it, he’d found himself heading in the direction of the northside. To hell with it, he’d thought. He’d had to see if Ellen would have him back.
As he sat in the lonely quiet of his home, Chris sipped his brandy and thought about his meeting with Ellen. He’d wanted her the minute he’d seen her and it gave him fierce satisfaction to know that she’d wanted him too. The passion was still there.
But she was an angry woman. And a changed woman. She was a much stronger person, he thought in grudging admiration. The old Ellen would never have blazed away at him the way she had. Several times he’d thought that she’d tell him to get out. But then there’d been times when the old, soft, loving Ellen had resurfaced and he’d hoped he was in with a chance.
Maybe he’d lost his touch, he thought with uncharacteristic uncertainty. In the old days she’d never have pushed him away from her. He’d always been able to seduce her. Maybe when he phoned her, she would tell him to get lost, when she had time to remember how badly he’d treated her.
If Ellen turned him away he’d go nuts. He needed her love and her compassion and her tenderness badly. He needed to feel cherished and comforted the way she’d always made him feel. He was going through a bad patch. Suzy didn’t understand. She was too demanding. He couldn’t cope with it. He needed an escape. He needed Ellen.
He’d better not put the pressure on too soon, he decided regretfully. He’d leave it until Thursday to phone. That was about as long as he’d last, he thought, pouring another measure of brandy. He wasn’t at all sure what her answer would be. The new Ellen was an enigma. And a challenge. It excited him. It was a pity Suzy was in a huff, he thought crankily. He was as horny as hell and he needed sex. But he wouldn’t be getting it from her. And right now he wasn’t sure if he’d be getting it from Ellen either.
Suzy tensed as she heard the key in the front door. So he was home. She’d half-expected that he’d stay out all night. She wondered where he’d gone. It wasn’t that late.
Had he gone to see her? The mother of his illegitimate child. Bastard! she fumed. How dare he . . . how dare he say that woman’s name when he was making love to her? She wanted to kill him with her bare hands. How could he do that to her? How could he make her feel so dirty? She’d never be able to let him make love to her again. She’d always be afraid he was thinking of that woman. Tears trickled down Suzy’s cheeks. She’d always hoped she’d satisfied Chris. She’d taken pleasure in knowing she turned him on and believed it was because he fancied her and wanted her. She’d enjoyed sex with him. But not any more. By calling out Ellen’s name he’d taken away her trust and her self-confidence. He’d demeaned and diminished her and for that she’d never forgive him. He could sleep in the spare room from now on. Her bedroom door was well and truly locked.
Chapter Twenty-Two
‘I’ll take this one, please.’ Chris indicated the eighteen-carat rope chain and matching earrings to the assistant who was serving him. He watched as she placed the jewellery in black velvet boxes.
‘Would you like it gift-wrapped, sir?’
‘Please.’
This was costing him a small fortune. But it would pay dividends. What woman could resist expensive jewellery? He’d never known one who could.
As the assistant wrapped the jewellery, Chris browsed absent-mindedly along the display cabinets. He noticed a half-price offer on a selection of birthstone rings. They looked pretty, and more expensive than they were. Perfect! Chris thought. Now, when was her birthday? Chris cast his mind back and concentrated hard. It was around this time of the year. Soon after the first
time they’d met.
‘What’s the birthstone for February?’
‘The amethyst,’ the assistant said helpfully.
‘I’ll have one of those birthstone rings too.’
‘They’re only gold-plated.’
‘That’s fine. Wrap them separately,’ Chris said briskly as he took out his chequebook to pay.
‘I’m telling you, Alexandra, he’s having an affair. I bet he’s going out to see that woman,’ Suzy raged down the line to her best friend. ‘He’s damn well not getting into my bed again.’
‘He will have an affair if you keep that up, Suzy. Why on earth would he want to have an affair with some hick out in the sticks? He’s told you he hasn’t seen her since before the child was born. Why would he want to go and see her now all of a sudden? And do you seriously think that, even if he did go and see her, she’d want to have anything to do with him now? Chris treated her like dirt. She’d send him packing with a flea in his ear,’ Alexandra scoffed.
‘Well I don’t know what’s wrong with him then. He’s as moody as hell. And he did say her name when he was making love to me.’
‘Look, Suzy, maybe he’s feeling neglected because of the kids. He was the centre of your universe for a long time. Start paying a bit of attention to him,’ Alexandra advised.
Suzy could sense the irritation in her tone. Obviously her best friend was getting annoyed listening to whingy phone calls.
‘I’ll let you go,’ Suzy said dolefully. ‘See you.’
‘See you.’ Alexandra hung up immediately as if glad that the conversation was terminated.
Suzy glowered resentfully at the receiver. It galled her to think of all the hours she’d spent listening to Alexandra moaning about her troubled love life. Her friend couldn’t even spare ten minutes out of her busy schedule for her.
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