by Brook Wilder
That brought us to an impasse, one full of the most dreadful kind of silence there was. All I could do was stare at Dax. I knew my expression must have been pleading, pathetic even, but there was nothing I could do about it. I had laid it all out there, poured out my heart, but I couldn’t force Dax to say the things I wanted to hear.
“I’ve got to go.”
"Wait, what? What are you talking about?" For some reason, it hadn't even occurred to me that his answer to everything would be to just up and leave. I would have done just about anything to make him stay, to make him talk to me, but I felt cemented in place. There I was, unable to move, and he was going to walk away.
"I've got things I have to do, Fawn. I didn't account for this kind of shit, and I don't have time to deal with it right now. Believe it or not, you aren't my only responsibility in this world."
As closing lines went, his was a scathing one. By the time I found it within myself to do anything he was already out the door, locking it behind him with what felt like heartbreaking finality. I kept waiting for him to come back, for him to say that he was sorry, but he never did. He just left me there to regret ever opening my mouth in the first place.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Dax
"What's the matter with you, man? You look fucking wiped out. You go on a bender last night or something?"
“No, Micah, nothing like that. Just didn’t get a whole lot of sleep.”
“Too busy having visions of the bossman breaking into your place and putting a bullet in your head?”
“Get the fuck out of here. Of course not.”
"Really? Because that's exactly what I would have been doing if I were you. Telling Dan, the man that you knocked his only kid up? Shit, man. I'm pretty sure I woulda dropped dead on the spot. Everyone knows Fawn is off limits. He even went over it again the day she came home, remember?"
“Sure, Micah, I remember.”
“So you can see why I mighta thought he tried to kill you after you left, right?”
“Sure to that, too.”
“I mean, he acted all about it after you guys left but I wasn’t going to let that fool me. Boss is one hell of an actor, for sure. All of us know that.”
“He acted cool about it? What does that mean?”
I was doing my best to stay disinterested in the conversation between Micah and me. The goal was to keep it as one sided as possible because I was in no mood for talking. The stupid story I'd told Fawn the night before about having somewhere I had to be had been a load of crap, something she had most likely known straight off. What I had needed was to get as far away from her as possible and to do it as quickly as possible. The other thing I had needed was a bottle of whiskey, and not a bottle meant for sharing. By the time I'd gotten myself into the liquor store my hands had been shaking so badly, I'd like to have dropped the bottle; my nerves were so fucked. If I hadn't grown up with the guy working behind the counter, he probably wouldn't have sold me a damned thing. But he did, and I tipped him for it despite all of his protests that people didn't do that kind of thing, then rode my bike like I was courting death all the way back to my hole in the wall apartment. It briefly crossed my mind to stop by the clubhouse, avoid drinking alone and all that good stuff, but it didn't take a genius or all that much time for me to understand how bad of an idea that was. The clubhouse was the last place on the planet I needed to be. It was where the people who knew me best in the world would be, which meant they would know straight off that something was wrong with me. Given the news, Fawn and I had delivered to Dan that day, and how quickly news traveled with the members of the Carolina Devils, everyone in the house would know my business. That meant all of them would figure it was that same business that had me all fucked up in the head.
“Yo! Dax?”
“What, man? Why the yelling? I’ve got a banging headache, okay? Try and keep that in mind.”
“First of all, I’m not yelling. I’m talking at a perfectly normal level for human beings to talk at. And b, it’s your shot. This is hands down your worst game of pool in your life, by the way. And I should know. I’ve known you for most of it.”
“Really fucking funny. Just let me make my shot, will you?”
“If you think you can.”
Turned out, I couldn't. I didn't even come close to making the shot and then hurled my cue across the room, where it hit a wall and cracked all the way down its length. That one drew more than a couple of looks from the guys sitting around the clubhouse, including one from Micah himself. Nobody said anything, though, not a word. That was one thing I could appreciate about the Devils. They knew when to keep their mouths shut and let things lie.
“Shit. Hey, buddy?”
“I got it, Micah, don’t worry about it.”
“No, man, I’m not talking about the game. We may have a little bit of a problem on our hands.”
When I looked up, Micah was staring at something over my shoulder, but before I had a chance to turn around and see what it was, Dan was storming out of his office with murder on his face. For a second I thought this must be it, the time when he finally snapped and beat the shit out of me over getting his daughter pregnant. If that were what was going on, I wouldn't fight back. He would have every right to kick me around for what I had done. Micah was right. Dan had made a point of reminding us both that Fawn wasn't one of our clubhouse girls. He'd reminded us, basically, to keep our hands off and I hadn't done that at all. I had done the exact opposite and if that earned me an ass whooping, so be it. Shit, after the last twenty-four hours I'd had, I would have welcomed it. At least I would have felt something other than the hangover and the residual shittiness from my conversation with Fawn
“What the hell is going on here?! What in God’s name do you think you’re doing?”
“Sir,” Micah started with a stutter, trying to step in so that Dan wouldn’t have such easy access to me, “I’m not sure this -”
“Get the hell out of my way, Micah! I’m not talking to you. I’m not talking to any of you! I’m talking to her!”
Dan pointed, and when he did so, all of the rest of us turned to look at whatever it was that had him so pissed off. When I finally had it figured out, I swear to God my blood pressure rose by fifty points. There was an instant murmuring amongst the men, but I didn't care. I didn't care about whatever Micah was trying to say to both Dan and me, either. All I cared about was her. All I cared about was the fact that Fawn was storming into the clubhouse, her face dark with unhappiness and clearly ready for round two of our fight. Not that I would be first in line when it came to that because Dan was just about as pissed off as I had ever seen him, especially when it came to his daughter. It was an ongoing joke amongst the men that Dan's heart had long ago been pulled from his body and now walked around on the earth in the human form of Fawn. She was honest to God the light of his life, the thing that made him feel like it was worth getting up in the morning. This wasn't just me guessing or waxing romantic, either. These were things he'd said to me on those nights when all of us had been up for too long and partied a little too hard. Fawn was the most important part of his whole world. The rest of it just didn't make any sense without her, which was why he was so pissed off to see her in the clubhouse now.
“Fawn! What the hell is this? Why don’t you tell me what the fuck you think you’re doing here?”
"Jeez, Dad," she answered in a hurt voice, "Nice to see you, too."
"No, no, no. Don't give me any of that crap. You answer my question. I made it very clear to you that you weren't to leave your condo without an escort. Don't give me any of that crap about how you're a grown woman now, either. Being a grown woman won't keep you safe if the Wild Cats decided to go after you. Don't you get that? Being a grown woman won't keep you safe from their guns, and if you don't think they'll come after you because you aren't technically one of us, you're wrong. If you want to know how wrong, why don't you ask Dax? You ask him how safe Lilian was from those bastards."
&nbs
p; “Dad -”
“And you!” Dan turned on me, enough fire in his eyes to burn down the whole damned building if that’s what he’d wanted, “Where the hell were you?”
“No, Dad,” Fawn broke in, still not willing to look at me but apparently not willing to throw me under the bus, either, “it wasn’t his fault. He had no idea I was coming.”
“Be quiet, Fawn. Dax? Do you understand what I wanted from you?”
"Yes, sir."
"Do you? I asked you to watch over her. I asked you to keep her safe, and that means being there with her anytime she leaves her place, anytime she goes anywhere. She's supposed to have an escort at all fucking times, not only when you feel like it or aren't nursing a fucking hangover."
“You’re right, Dan. You’re completely right. I’ll do better.”
“See that you do, Dax. If anything happens to her, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
“I know. I promise you.”
“Good. Now, Fawn, how about you tell me what the hell you’re doing here? I’d like to know what was so important that you went directly against my wishes to come here.”
“I came here for Dax. I need to talk to him.”
“That so? Fine, then talk.”
“No, Dad, not in front of the whole clubhouse. I need to talk to him in private.”
"Fine. You two use my office. But Fawn? I don't want to go through this with you again. Not ever. You make sure you follow the rules next time, or I'll keep you here."
"What, you're going to keep me prisoner in the clubhouse? Come on, Dad, get real. You wouldn't do that."
“You don’t think so? Well, sugar, you just wait until you have that little baby and then we’ll talk. You wait until you’re a parent yourself and then tell me what you wouldn’t do to keep that baby safe. Now go on, you to get to talking. Both of you, go on and get out of my sight.”
It was obvious to everyone in the room that Fawn was more interested in talking back to her old man than doing what he told her to, but I grabbed her by the hand and pulled her along behind me as quickly as I could manage. I made sure not to make any eye contact at all until I had her behind closed doors and even then, I was wary. Out in front of everyone, I had been too shocked to feel much of anything at all, but now that we were alone? Now I was starting to approach the level of pissed off Dan had shown.
“Okay, Fawn. You want to tell me what the hell you think you’re doing?”
“Are you kidding me?” She scoffed, making my skin crawl with how condescending she was being, “You sound just like him. You know that, don’t you? Was that like, the goal? Are you trying to grow up just like Daddy?”
"I'd stop right there if I was you. You're starting to move into some seriously dangerous territory."
“So what, you’re threatening me now? Is that the way this is going to go?”
"No, Fawn, of course, I'm not threatening you! But your dad was right. You shouldn't be here. You should never have left your condo without somebody there. I don't know if you just don't get it if you think this is some kind of a game, but it's not. It could be life or death. That’s the kind of thing you’re tampering with here.”
“Maybe I don’t care.”
“Fine. You don’t care for yourself? That’s up to you. But it’s not just you anymore, is it? That’s my baby you’re carrying, not just your own, and I’ll be damned if you’re going to but that kid’s life in danger just to make a fucking point.”
“Oh! Ha! Okay, so now you care? That’s rich, Dax. That’s just unbelievable.”
“What the hell are you talking about?! Since when did I not care?”
“Since last night. You made it really clear, Dax. You made it painfully clear where you stand on things.”
“You’re making things up, Fawn. I don’t know if you just like drama or if it’s your stress or what, but that’s not what happened last night.”
"Oh really? It's not?" Fawn was so pissed off at this point that she was on her tiptoes while she yelled at me and I was sure the others could hear it if that were what they wanted to do. Not that she gave a shit. She had the look of a woman who had spent the whole night practicing what she was going to say, and now that she had her opportunity, she was going to say it all, "So now you're going to tell me what I know?"
“No, but I’m going to tell you that you’re wrong.”
“No,” she laughed scornfully, the kind of laugh I wouldn’t have tolerated coming from anyone else, “no way. That would be super convenient for you, I’m sure, but I’m not an idiot. That’s not what happened here.”
“Yeah? So then why don’t you tell me what happened, since you seem to be such an expert on everything.”
“What happened is that you led me on.”
“I’m sorry, how do you figure?”
"You did! Even from the very beginning, that first night you got me into bed, you've been leading me on. All of this time you've been acting as you cared. You've been working overtime to make me believe that you did and at the first sign of things getting serious -"
“Unless you count the whole we’re having a baby together thing, I guess.”
“At the first sign of things getting serious, you freak out because you think things are ‘moving too fast.’ You’re full of shit, Dax. Everything you’ve said, everything you’ve done since I’ve been back, it’s been full of shit. I don’t know why I ever allowed myself to believe any of it. I guess I’m the idiot there.”
“This is about the marriage thing, isn’t it?”
"Don't," she hissed, her eyes full of a hatred I had never seen in her before, "don't even say that word to me. I wouldn't want you to have a nervous breakdown or anything."
“So then you don’t really want to talk about anything, then. You just wanted to yell at me.”
“I don’t know what I wanted. I don’t even know why I came.”
I could see that she was about to cry, and I took a step towards her, but she backed away as if I was some strange, dangerous man instead of the guy who'd loved her for all of her life. I wanted to tell her what was really going on inside of me. I wanted to tell her that the idea of having not only a baby but a wife on top of it was the most terrifying thing I could think of. The idea of losing both of them was enough to make me feel like I was suffocating and having a wedding would only make the three of us a bigger target. I wanted to tell her those things and more, but I didn't get the chance before I could say a word, she was back out the door, slamming it behind her.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Fawn
“Okay, baby girl. You wanna tell me what’s going on here?”
“Please, Dad, not now. I’m not in the mood.”
“Not in the mood to talk to your old man?”
"Not in the mood to get another lecture. You already dressed me down in front of three-fourths of the club. Don't you think that's enough for one day?"
“I don’t know, that depends. Do you think it made enough of an impression to keep you from running off half-cocked like this again?”
“Dad! Seriously! I just told you, I can’t handle this right now!”
“I know you did. So it’s a lucky thing for you that I didn’t come out here to give you another lecture.”
“Then why?”
“Because I wanted to check on you. Wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine, Dad.”
"You sure? Because I gotta be honest, you don't look entirely okay. I know talking to me isn't the same as talking to a mother, but I don't have one of those to give you, so I'm just about the best you've got at the moment."
It was so much more tempting than I would have expected to just break down right then and there. I could have spilled my guts, told my dad everything and freed myself of the burden of having to think about it, to worry about it all of the time. If I had slept at all last night, it didn't feel like it, and my entire body hurt with fatigue. There was a part of me, a big enough part to freak me out, that wanted to just put
my head in my dad's lap and tell him anything and everything that came into my head. Probably the only thing that stopped me was the fact that if I did that if I told him everything that was happening and everything that had already happened, I would never be able to un-tell him again. It might feel better at the moment, but it would also make my dad's desire to keep a hawk's eye on me even bigger, and that was something I wasn't willing to put up with.
"Dad, I appreciate the concern, I do, but I don't have much to talk about. I'm just tired, you know? Just tired and trying to get used to the hormones. I swear to God, they make you feel like a crazy person, you know? Like, sometimes I'm doing something or saying something, and there's a part of my mind that is like, screaming at the rest of me to just chill, only I can't do it. Being pregnant is no joke."